Abundance

*I mean RELAPSE*

Please help me... I have to block him... I have to stop this madness. I was doing so well and then last night..... I broke.... I faltered. I wish I could go to codie rehab.... I just wish that this pain would go away. Quitting a person is so difficult.

Please... help me... PLEASE!!!!!

I've been so crazy in just the last 15 minutes.... calling and texting and then asking his bro if he is really home like he said he was. YET... he won't answer the land lines or his cell phone.

He told me he was home....... but the thing is last night after we had a tremendous heart to heart- I called him and he answered while he was at the bar. He said that a friend of his who is several weeks clean off of oxy pills called him and wanted his help. And asked him to meet him at the local hang out/bar. THAT in itself is crazy to me.

So tonight... he was very wordy about how he couldn't talk on the phone... and that he was in the basement.

I feel like such an IDIOT! I'm just falling right back into it.... I'm listening to his lies... I'm not buying them...... but just the fact that I'm even ENTERTAINING this is exhausting and pathetic.

Seren

I'm sorry you are going through this tonight.

I guess you have not yet reached your own bottom with him. Please take care of yourself!

Hugs, HG

Abundance

I want to send him this....... but I can't... I won't........ but I am going to get it out here..... I am THIS ANGRY!!!!!!!!


I tried.... I tried to trust you and believe that we could do this.

Your message to me tonight that you are in the basement and not able to talk is UNREAL! You know how MUCH I need to know that I can trust you..... and that I *NEED* proof.... and the proof you gave me was ........ "back later".......... and then........ that you are sick of the insults and that you will catch me another *DAY*~ !

This is ridiculous.

I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE OUT OF A MAN!

And you are sick of the insults???? INSULTS? Really........ so me asking you to help me HELP YOU earn your trust back with me........ is INSULTING YOU?
Saying.... I don't believe you..... can you PROVE it to me? Yeah - I bet that is REALLY insulting!!!!!!

YOU are the one who has lied and LIED AND LIED......... and then CHEATED as well.............. and YOU ARE INSULTED???????? Insulted by my asking you to SHOW ME that you are an honest human being?

Well.... I'll tell you what.... I don't need this in my life. I don't need your LIES and your FALSE self in my life.

SO.... I'm taking you OUT of my life. ALL means to reach me........ ARE NOW GONE!

I have blocked you from my phone ........ I have blocked you from my email. YOU ARE OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER. And obviously you are already blocked from my home (snail) mail...... because those TWO packages you "SAID" that you sent......... NEVER GOT HERE!

Just like OXY is out of your life................ YOU ARE OUT OF MY LIFE.

THIS IS MY LETTER TO MY DRUG............................ (you)

F*** YOU!!!!!!!!!!

F*** YOU and F*** YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boys don't deserve to know you......... and to think you want to give them opportunities?????????? The only opportunity you REALLY showed them was how to make their mother cry...... to make their mother hurt....... to make their mother totally crazy. Without actually "telling" them how to lie and be a distrustful human being ........ you SHOWED THEM!

Well.... not anymore........ not anymore.

Yeah... I could say I "allowed it"........ FINE... I "allowed" YOU to treat me the way you did. I "Allowed" you to hurt me........... I "REACTED" to your hurt by "insulting you", going crazy, not trusting myself, actually getting worked up when I could tell when you were lying, crying, pleading for you to STOP HURTING ME, breaking up - taking you back......... YES - I ALLOWED IT and REACTED TO IT IN THAT WAY!

PAST TENSE

NOW - I no longer will ALLOW any of this. NOW - I will no longer TEACH you or anyone for that matter that it is OKAY to lie to me and cheat on me!

MARK MY WORDS!

This is like taking me back to the later part of 2007....... to early 2008. And I went BACK there for 24 hours....... and after tonight..... I will not EVER go back there AGAIN!

GOOD BYE!

Abundance

Hydro..... I have reached my bottom. I had 24 hours of remembering what it was like..... WHY I wanted it over.... just 24 hours..... and you know what.... it's remarkable....... because the amount of time that I can cope or deal with his bull#$*%..... keeps on lessening.

Thank goodness, it was only 24 hours........!

As soon as I typed this first post in the thread...... I went online to my cellular carrier - and I BLOCKED his number. I've blocked his emails as well.

I can fully move on now..... he is 3000 miles away. It's okay - I told him to "go"..... I've now SHOWED him to "go"....... and he won't hurt me anymore. The only hurts I will now feel will be just memories..... memories that over time will hurt less. And the power of our thoughts are just that.... POWERFUL - so if I remember - and have no present space being occupied - then all the much easier it will be TO CHANGE MY MIND UP!

MOVE ON!!!!!

*oh.... and if the Universe isn't as wonderful as it is - I dropped my blinking cell phone in the bath after I was reading his text. WOW! I am drying out the battery.... so hopefully it will be okay. But hot dayummm.... !

Seren

Hugs to you and your boys! You do deserve better....a peaceful, restful, happy life!

IPT

WHoa the Abdund. whoa.... been there. You were there once, get a grip and get back there. It is so easy to feel the anger when we communicate and don;t hear the thigns we want. Or worse yet (at least for me) to have our needs and attempts to reach out to the ignored like we are meaningless.

We are not meaningless! You were the one that pointed it out to me that the XAGF and I were in a push pull thing. You were right. Don't get wrapped up in that game. Fight the temptaion to "win", or "get" him to do anything...you can't, and he is not well enough to do the right thing...no matter how much you care about him.

My xagf once reminded me not too long ago that I had said "you were happier without me anyway, remember". She was right, I did say that, and I was.....

Hang in there...(hugs)

itisatruth

Wow Abs ~ I'm sorry you felt like you were falling back into it....but I've gotta say I like the way you processed it out -- you were able to not only remember why you are doing what you're doing but you also acted on it.....actions speak louder than words! No contact is a good, strong, move....kind of like the addict who can't just dabble in his/her DOC without getting sucked back down.....for you, staying in contact with him was drawing you back in....Good for you to take these steps for you and your boys.


You can do this!!!!

Hugs ~

Abundance

Truth...... thanks so much!

IPT - I know... seriously... "woah"....... pulling on the reins. But you know what... I just had to do it. I had to use the anger to cut the ties. The ties of contact. Because every little bit of contact..... the text messages mostly - they drew me back in.... and I couldn't ignore... or I should say ... that I wouldn't ignore. Every bit of pain that I was feeling was only being brought to confirmation when I'd hear from him. And I'd experience the "euphoric recall"..... and then I end up actually not putting my self worth where it DESERVES to be!

I am so glad that I spent the night last night with my best friend and her wonderful adoring kind loving husband of nearly 10 years.... and I continually have witnessed just what I was NOT getting from my "x"! Ya know?

My girlfriend wanted to know what the *latest* was.... as it was becoming an ongoing soap opera all over again - and I couldn't even blinking tell her what the *latest* was.......... as the latest was out at a bar helping his friend who was in recovery. And the stories he told of how old friends would walk up to him in the bar and he'd say that he had gone to rehab.... and that he was clean off of coke/oxy and whatever (meanwhile drinking alcohol).... and that they'd walk the other direction - like out the door! Great story - huh?! He told me that happened to him not once...... but a few times! I mean seriously - how in the heck can I explain that - straight faced - to my best friend WHO btw - just last night found out that due to her sister's alcoholism, and at the age of 41 - is hospitalized and just diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver!

Anywho - so when I phoned up and he was quickly trying to exit the bar and being quite nervous about telling me where he was.... at first it was... "I'm out". And then I started prying and told him I heard the bar noise.... he had to come clean obviously. And his excuse was that he wasn't planning on going out - but an old guitar playing friend of his who lost his wife, his job, tons of money ...etc. to OXY ...... called him up and said he "needed him". I'm like... ugh... at a BAR? Really? ummm okay! wow And then he just rattled off all the reasons why it was OKAY it was at a bar. I just was silent and he was defending himself before even really being accused. RED FLAG!

And then... he send me a text saying that if I'm not going to tell him what to do then how can I be mad when I don't like what he is doing?

HUH?

I just replied back saying that I wasn't impressed.

Anywho....... if any of you have even read this far.... I'm so sorry that you aren't going to get this time back. That is EXACTLY why I couldn't even share the baloney with my best friend. I almost thought of running it by her amazing husband..... but he already questions what in the heck I was thinking for the last 3 years anyway......... and well - I just had to let it go. And figure that I'd keep it to myself.

And then tonight happened.... and it's like...... what in the heck ... NOWAY - I'm not getting sucked back in. I spent a lovely day at a water slide park for my son's birthday party...... and I come home.... and THIS happens. Well... guess what? I don't want or need "THIS" happening ANYMORE!

Sorry for that ramble folks..... I do tend to 'ramble on rose' a bit... but it's therapeutic. Especially if I just stream type from my brain..... and don't re read before hitting SUBMIT!

IPT

you bounced right back into the saddle! Nice. We don't need "this" for sure. Isn't it amazing what a healthy relationship looks like? You, we are lucky to at least have some examples of that around us. WE deserve that to.

You do realize that we have grown sooooooo much since last year!? I think we are on the cusp of recovering ourselves .

Impurrfect

(((Abs)))

I think you did pretty darned good, sweetie. Yes, you got sucked in a bit, but you got yourself back out rather fast.

Sometimes, I think, we forget why we chose to go "no contact" in the first place and we need reminders. Most of the time, the A is more than willing to remind us.

You are doing great! I'm working through some anger, myself, and have had some pretty lively conversations in my head lately, and am lucky to have a friend I can vent to. It may never go any farther than that, but as long as we remember it's okay to have these feelings and work through them, we're going to be just fine.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Sometimes my clearest vision is in hindsight. And, for me, until I let go and release all contact with the past to the universe, I am like an addict who thinks he can use sometimes and not slip back into his old ways.

You will reach your "enough" point when you are ready, and not a moment before. One day you will wake up and decide to use all your energy and apply all your thoughts to healing and moving on with your life without looking back.

I love the old saying "Don't look back, you're not going there."

Life can be better, you deserve better, but life cannot happen until you show up and embrace it. I promise, that's when it will get better fast.

Hugs

lightseeker

Abundance -

it's just a wicked disease (what happens within us that is!) and there are relapses. I have a part of me that remains hopeful and forgiving and sometimes that part takes over the rest of me and bam! there is my relapse. The more that I stay in recovery and open my eyes the faster than I see what is going on....sounds like you saw very quickly. In the past, it might have been easier for you to make up excuses that would have made his lies true - instead, you called him on them. That's a lot of progress.

It is painful to do this but at least the part that remains hopeful and innocent is waking up to the reality of dealing with him. Yes - there are good parts that happened in a relationship and our brains (in particular the amygdala and hippocampus) react to that past information before our frontal cortex has a chance to mediate our response and reactions. Our brains seek that "feel good" neurochemical release because it was so awesome in the past. Our frontal cortex has a lot of work to do to counteract that strong reaction. It truly is physiological. Is there hope? Absolutely. Really, all we have to do is remember to slow the whole process down. We don't have to answer a text right away or respond to contact. If we do, we are reacting from that old feel-good place and not reality. Mindfulness is so important....observing and not judging your reaction - just being curious and seeing what's up. Then your frontal cortex has a chance to catch up and mediate your response.

I'm not typing up a bunch of bullsh#t to confuse you I hope. None of this made sense to me and I've pursued a course of study that has finally explained the physiology to me in a way that makes sense when you combine it with the emotional picture. Until we give our brains the chance to heal and form new patterning we are going to keep doing the same thing over and over again. Slowing it down seems to be the pathway to managing it with a little less pain.

Sorry to get so esoteric here but it has helped me to understand that what I experience is not just rooted in my emotions....it truly is an embodiment of the emotional in ourselves. If we neglect to consider our physiology it's just so much more difficult to move into a different realm of being. It doesn't make that an excuse - it just leads to a more compassionate way of dealing with ourselves as we travel through all of this.

If you need a quick guide/book that explains mindfulness better than I ever can then I'd recommend THE HIGH CONFLICT COUPLE by Fruzzetti. It is an approach from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which had it's roots in helping with borderline personality but has seeped out into being hugely successful with chronic pain, addiction, etc.

Anyways - you go girl. It's a process. Each relapse teaches us more and that become information that we need to move forward. It's all good.

Love ya!

marle

My daughter has recently been in contact with a boy that she dated in high school. It did not go well for them back then as he was addicted to pot. Long story short. He had issues and he left Michigan and went to California without telling her goodbye. A real heartbreak for her. It had been 5 years and they reconnected with MySpace. It took her about two weeks to catch on to the fact that he was 5 years older physically but still the same emotionally. I kept my mouth shut as I knew that she was going to do what she was going to do She spent $300 and booked a flight to LA to see him. She finally realized this week that he was still the same ole same ole. She cancelled her flight and has to eat the $300 because she can't get a refund. Told him and they went back and forth on the texts for a while until she realized that it was going nowhere. I asked her if she was sad because I knew that in her head she had imagined a different ending. She told me yes she was but she saw no point in going further with the relationship and that if she wanted to be abused and put down why do it with someone that is 2000 miles away. She really showed a lot of maturity doing what she did and she is only 23 and a recovering addict herself. It is so hard to give up a dream but it is infinitely better to live in reality. I am glad that you found out that you do have limits to what you can and can't live with and maybe it took this small relapse for you to find out. There is a reason why things happen the way they do. Hugs, Marle

Chino

With the help of an incredible therapist, I did the same thing and it's allowed me to see the entire world with a different set of eyes.

A long time ago (back in grade school), my favorite teacher realized my problem solving skills had to be approached from a different angle. She took me under her wing and gave me the answers to mathematical equations, then had me connect the dots. I've always learned better by understanding 'how' because I can seriously get stuck on 'why'. The former carries me past the latter.

When I got stuck in my own recovery, I remembered what she taught me, and went looking for new teachers because this student was ready.

Abs, you're busting up the discordant rhythms in your brain. Cheers to you scoring a new and refreshing melodic symphony

laurie6781

(((((Abundance)))))

Recovery for ourselves is "progress not perfection."

Hopefully this was your "ENOUGH" point.

Do not beat yourself up. We (I) have a tendancy once in a while to 'doubt' myself and have to revisit a situation (usually to my chagrin) to prove I was right the first time, lol

Your hindsight now will help you in the future. You didn't get 'sucked back in', you know that No Contact is what it has to be, so now ............................ the grieving can start.

Actually, you did quite good ................................. it could have been so much worse.

I am proud of you that you got through this episode so quickly.

Love and hugs,

Callie

Abs - I know that crazy feeling all too well. Your flighty, start to almost hyperventilate, can't calm down, need to know the answers and sure as heck won't give up until you get them. The feeling of being played again, knowing that a panic attack is just around the corner. It can happen in an instant, but takes a while to come down from. Pacing, crying, screaming, pacing, frantic phone calls, texts etc.

You processed it well. You know when my Ah moved in with his mom last year, I felt relieved somewhat. I didn't see him very much, he was out of my face everyday. BUT we still talked multiple times a day on the phone. I was trying to control everything via phone or through his mom or through his sister etc. Looking back I should have detached completely. It's tough Abs, he tried and has been trying to draw you in ever since he left via texts or words of 'we're soulmates, happy anniversary etc.' He finally got you @ arms reach and you got burned again. Use it as a lesson if you can to stop the madness.

Hugs abs and thanks for putting this out there so honestly.

Abundance

Thanks you guys! I'm in 'shut down' mode I guess you will call it. Being that angry makes me a bit paralyzed the next day.

Callie...... those "sensations"... they all came flooding back. Like as though I have never taken a break from feeling them. I just knew he was lying and I found myself HAVING to make him to tell me that I"m not crazy and to PROVE to me that I'm not crazy - that he is really telling the truth! Maybe somebody *new* would have bought it - maybe a 105 year old - but not me. So ... then I quickly did a body scan and a mental health check and remembered the lecture I went to last week on "euphoric recall". And relapsing. OMG - I was totally relapsing into OLD behaviors. And it was all too easy. Like Truth said... addicts can't dabble in their DOC... I can't "dabble" in staying in contact with him.

So... my phone dried up~! And it is working.

He was clever and did an internet message with a website *tinyurl* ... and it was a webpage explaining his side of things. And I looked at it and was thinking... there is noway I'm not going to take notice of his trying to unfold everything to protect his lie. THAT is what he has always done! Before, when it would happen, I would think to myself... "Who would really go to that much effort to lie? And try to keep the lie as the truth?" Or if it takes *that* much energy don't keep doing it again! It's unfortunate for him because he lies so much he doesn't even recognize that he is lying. If that makes sense? A couple of nights ago, I almost found myself texting him saying... "Now... the point of not lying isn't so you don't get into trouble. It starts with not doing something that you feel you have to lie about to begin with. - Meaning - have the ability to ask permission and not always forgiveness."

That is not rocket science, but I think he would actually come back and say... that it's the "path of least resistance". .... And then I'm debating that one... and it goes on and on and on and on.

Well... I've stopped it. I can't dabble. I know what my limitations are... HONOR them!

Donna - check out Vipassana Meditation Website - it's where I'm going in a couple of weeks with the boys- it is much like what you are talking about.

Laurie- ..... geez - why did you have to say now the grieving will start? lol j/k ... I know it's a reality.

Chino - how vs. why - BRILLIANT .... thank you so much for sharing that!

Marle- your daughter is doing so well. It's wonderful that she shares so much with you!

Amy and Ann - your posts had me thinking of "happysoul"..... do you remember her? She doesn't post here anymore - but she is someone I will never forget. She would post *results* of her relapses or codie behaviors ... and they kept going down in the amount of time it lasted. So - in honor of her - I'll say.... the actual codie / freak out - lasted about 45 minutes - where nearly 2 years ago..... it would have been daysssssss!

Thanks guys for all of your support! I am going out shopping with my son who has some gift cards to spend! Retail therapy ....... YAY!

xoxoox

cassandra2

Abs I just wanted to say that you are doing VERY well for yourself. The biggest battle in our own recoveries is RECOGNIZING the problem (whatever it may be) and doing something different instead of reverting back to our old ways. That is HUGE. So often we see the problem but are reluctant to do anything about it or stay stuck in the same patterns that arent working.

I really second what Laurie said because I see it daily in my life. Recovery is about progress and NOT perfection. As I will NEVER be perfect but I will continue to make progress even if I slip. Its easy to beat yourself up over a slip but the longer you beat yourself up for it the longer you stay in the slip......

Abundance

Dying my hair - 'midnight black' -

Change in my hair has always been a symbol. It was only $5 too! woo hoo!

I have calmed down now... it doesn't take me long for the anger to subside. I am grateful to not be in that crazy head space I was in last night. My gut... my feelings were telling me it wasn't right... that there was not truth in our conversation. Instead of staying in it and trying to make sense of it - I simply asked for the 'truth' ... and there was no answer. And then I took 'action' ... I don't have hate in my heart - but what I have done is put my safety-structure-and support in place. It did take my anger to do that - which is where the anger served it's purpose.

Anywho - our minds are extremely powerful.

I have so much to do with my own life... and that is where my focus is going. Starting with..... changing my hair color.... and it symbolizing the death of our relationship ...

I got 2 boxes.... !

Today is day 53 of him moving out..... and it's day 56 of finding out about the "cute little red head".... last nights lie was not the breaking point - but it was the reminder that there is still much healing on both sides that needs to be worked through.

Today is day 1 of NO CONTACT.... and I also have to say that tomorrow is going to be day 1 of not smoking. Cripes! Now, THAT should keep me busy!

Thank you again for all of the support..... xoxo

tjp613

Hi.... just now reading your post and BOY DID THAT BRING BACK MEMORIES!!! I was in the very same place with a long-ago exbf. We could compare stories all night long. I just remembered a little poem/story that I glued to my mirror and it always helped me thru some rough spots:

Life in Five Chapters

CHAPTER 1

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
And I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER 3

I walk down the same street and there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, and still I fall in.
It's a habit.
But my eyes are open and I know where I am.
It is my fault and I get out immediately.

CHAPTER 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER 5

I walk down a different street.

By Portia Nelson

Do yourself a favor and pretend he is dead.

Best wishes!