teke

hi, ipt, ever thought that she may not be ready to give you the closier that you think you need? i think its very important that you change your thoughts when it comes to her and what she may or may not be doing. focus more on you, don't get caught off guard, she may show up again when you least expect.

try not to take her not responding the way you would like her to, so personally. too much meditation could possibly turn in to an obssession and that could be very painful.

i was addicted to my ah while he was addicted to his doc, and trying to figure him and his actions out, was crazy making for me.

IPT

Honestly, if I was in a calm state like I am now (or even if not)…I don’t think I would say much, I would listen. Just her calling would set me at ease, reassure me that I, or at least my needs/feelings meant “something” to her. Enough so that she would take action, do something for me. I guess I feel like I tried my best to be there for her for 4 years, it is the least she could do for me. I would certainly want to ask her why she went from “I miss you” all the time, going to a wedding together, making plans with me fpr two separate days – then cancelling both times and not being even able to find one min to actually call me (she texted..”still busy, can’t talk now.” Every time I tried to contact her). She basically just stonewalled me and that hurts when you still care about the other person and like to believe that on some level they cared about you.

I am trying to focus on me, but sometimes it’s hard menatally (even though I managed to go to a car show today, workout twice, and spoke to a few friends). This does consume me sometimes. I fully realize that in some sense I am in withdrawal. Like I said, if she did “show up again” in some ways it would be easier. It would validate my importance to her. Then choices would need to be made and obviously the correct choice is to not get involved at all. Still, it’d be nice to have a choice and know on some level I was important to her. Right now I just feel used, manipulated, and lied too.


Thanks for listening....and giving your thoughts and insight. I find it helpful.

Latte

Life was too big for me. I used to escape. I wasn't happy, I was high. Today I can be happy and I only tackle life one thing at a time.

IPT

found this poem today..

My life has fallen down
around me before
--lots of times,
for lots of reasons--
usually other people.
And most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain & desolation
that followed.
And I survived.
And I live to love again.
But this,
this slow erosion from below
--or within--
it's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life
--but not really.
And you're out of that life
--but not quite.
I do all right
alone,
and better
together,
but
I do very poorly
when
semi-
together.
In solitude
I do much,
in love
I do more,
but
in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.
Come to stay
or
stay away.

Abundance

Nice find on the poem. The later couldn't explain any more so how I have been and am feeling.

Thanks for sharing.

sleepygoat

It's such a paradox. I was so unhappy, but always thought the drugs were the only thing that helped me feel better, when in fact they were the cause of my misery for the most part. For example, I had no friends left due to my attitude and behavior while using - but I would think, "My friends all abandoned me. Thank god I still have my drugs to take the pain away." Yes, at first it was about partying and having fun but then later it was just all about escaping from pain...

IPT

Thanks sleepygoat - I think for her it started early and was probably fun, but she also probably did it to "fit in" (started at like 12 or 13 y/o). Strangly all of her family quit for a bit and she said "I'm the only loser who can't quit". Sadly, for whatever reason, I think she took the hardest hit as a child with the abuse and neglect and she has flat out told me she has low self esteem and "self hatred". I tried, but if she is not ready to help herself I can't do anything for her. She's pulled me (or I guess I should really say "I let myself get") so far into this dysfunctional mess it's all I can do to keep me on track now (ugh). It's a lost cause, and I just need to fully un-entangle myself from it.

SCRedhead

IPT
I agree with you "fully un-entangle" yourself. You absolutely must keep your sanity and know that you are worth much more than she can give you. Do something just for yourself--just because you want to--just because it's fun--just because you deserve it.

I wish you peace and happiness!

IPT

God that is hard to accept....but it is probably true. I had a friend tell me that once "you need to date someone more at your level". Makes me sad though. Maybe I had expectations that she would be able to grow and be at my "level". Maybe "level" isn't even a fair term.

She is a person and I don't think one person is any better than another. One may make better decsions regarding thier happiness and finances, but that doesn't make them "better". It can make them happier and healthier though. I guess I just wanted her to be happy and healthy so we could share a happy and healthy relationship. The truth is she has not reached that level of maturity and ability. It hurts me to even write that but it may be true.

Being healthy I guess I just struggle to understand how a 31 year old women does not function in a responsible way or follow thru on things that she states she wants and will make her life better. I will never undertand though and I should be glad I don't have that reference point...

Trying to let go...Struggling with the co-dependance and control issues I now realize I had that compunded things...

IPT

That is the kicker. Part of the reason they became my expectations was because it is what SHE told me she wanted. Sadly she most likely told me that because she didn't want to lose me. She misled me to maintain the relationship. I willingly held onto her words because it's what I wanted.

The sad thing here is I worked under the idea that in a relationship when your partner tells you they want something they, they do. They usually follow thru and work for it. There should be trust in what your partner says. As a partner, expectations are developed based on words. If my g/f tells me she is going to pick up the kids I WILL EXPECT that she will. If she doesn't, I am going to be hurt and upset. To me that is normal logic and thinking within the context of a relationship. Her mis-representation (manipulation if you will) caused much of the hurt and confusion.

In the end she is where she wants to be. It just hurts because she lied to me about where that really was. In the end I didn't fight a thing...I let go of her living up to my expectaions or the things she laid out and that is why I haven't seen or spoke to her in over a month.

cassandra2

I think no in fact I have learned that expectations for a partner is based on ACTIONS.

That is how you know that you can depend on someone to do what they "say" they are gonna do. Words are just words until something that you can visualize with your eyes backs up the words.

I think that that is part of our (codies) problem. We want to believe the words that are coming out of their mouths so badly and we place so much emphasis on words that we are in total denial that their ACTIONS dont match up with their words.

In my relationship now with my RABF I watch his actions. Yes, I listen to what he says but I wait, BEFORE I put any weight on what he has said. His actions tell me far more then any words would ever reveal.

IPT

yes, you are right. Lesson learned (I hope to God). I hung on her words tremendously. I so wanted to trust her and she proved to me time and time again that I could NOT put faith in almost anything she said!

How sad that I can recall being SO HAPPY that she was actually at my house when she said she would be! How could I have settled for such poor treatment? That should be a given but with what I had it was a rarity, to be treasured and appreciated. How can I possibly be sad about this? Feel hurt and lonely?

Jody Hepler

Things that over the years have helped me have a bit of an understanding about addiction:

It is a disease - like cancer - and they didn't ask to get it. (in my family there seems to be a huge genetic componenet - you shake my family tree and the alcoholics/addicts fall out)

Using drugs and alcohol puts "something" between them and reality. When/if they get into recovery, they have to learn other ways to cope. AA/NA is a good way - and it is basically free.

They will - and have - "chosen" drugs over me so I don't ask those kinds of questions any more and put myself in the position of hearing what I don't want to hear. That is just how the disease is - the most important thing in their lives.

How do you know an addict is lying - when they are moving their mouths.

It made me very sad, raging with anger, powerless and thus hopeless, depressed and physically sick. Alanon taught me another way to live - whether or not the addict ever got better.

Do I still get sad? Yes. But it doesn't consume my life any more.

Keep reading and posting - there are some tremendous people on this Board with lots of valuable experience and hope.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler