bluebelle

My ABF has been in recovery from prescription codeine since December. He has been working really hard, he reads, meditates, keeps a journal, etc. My concern is that he is telling me things that don't really make sense. He has had an addiction to trading stocks over the years. He lost a whole lot of money back before he became addicted to codeine. He is reading books that talk about how you can think about things and then achieve them. He says that he traded stocks to test this out. Huh? He's just not making sense. He claims that he has only traded stocks twice, but he made money each time. It seems to me like he is trying to show that he has control over stock trading. He claims that he is not going to return to addictive stock trading, because he is taking such good care of himself--having structure, keeping journals, etc. I told him that he doesn't make any sense. He got mad at me and says that I am returning to giving him a hard time, and this will turn to a discussion of codeine, and only end up in a fight. I need to worry about my finances, and not worry about his. (We keep our finances separate.) I said that I'm not worried about his finances, just worried about his mind.

I just don't know what to do. I know that I can't control him. I also know that he can't control the stock market. I'm worried about his thoughts/behaviors, but he doesn't want to hear what I think. Is there anything I can do? Or, should I just focus on my own thing and realize that if he gets screwed up that is his own business? Right now, he is writing in his journal. I think he is still sober, but he is starting to trick himself into thinking he has control or something.

Any thoughts?

leelee5675

I'm certainly no expert and have been fortunate enough to not ever have fallen victim to substance abuse. I don't understand an addict's mind in the least, but I'm trying to learn as I have a daughter that is an addict.

My daughter just came out of rehab from "round three" of a meth addiction. One of the things I heard her express all three times was that she thought at first that she could just occasionally use without getting addicted again.

I'm with you...his logic sounds fishy to me. It's like he's testing the waters to see if he can control another prior addiction. The only reason I can think he would test one is if he's thinking of trying the other. In other words, "If I can control this stock addiction, I probably have "addiction" whipped and I can use again and keep it under control."

My daughter has been using on and off for over 8 years. It is just beginning to sink in with her that recovery is a lifelong process and that she will always be an addict whether she uses or not.

The one thing I would hate to see you do is become consumed with watching him and constantly trying to figure out what he's up to. It is such a miserable existence that is fresh on my mind from this last bout with my daughter (she was actually living with me on this last one). Please remember that we have no way of knowing what another person is thinking, what they are up to, and no way of controlling what they do.

Protect yourself and don't get caught up in that vicious cycle. You deserve a serene existence. Sometimes we just have to "let the chips fall where they may" in order to preserve our own sanity.

Hang in there and keep posting.

Freedom1990

He's an adult, no?

My oldest AD doesn't live the way I 'think' she should. However I give her the dignity to make her own choices, wrong or right they may be.

My 21 year old daughter does a lot of things I 'think' she shouldn't. However I give her the dignity to make her own choices, worng or right they may be.

I work really hard at staying on my side of the street and taking care of self. That's a full-time job in itself!

:ghug2

bluebelle

I guess I was just concerned because his thought process was so disjointed. He is reading this book on how you can make your own reality, and he decided by practice on a stock trade. He was saying that his thoughts abled him to control the result of the trade.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=Freedom1990;2316656]He's an adult, no?

However I give her the dignity to make her own choices, wrong or right they may be./QUOTE]

I remember the first time I read this when you responded to someone's post, back when. It hit me between the eyes and helped pull my head out of the muck. Thank you.

LiveURLife

it sounds to me like if he is in recoverythen he might be looking for that instant gratification... that feeling he once had.. to make his self happy...he probably trys to justify to you and to his self but when he talks about it, it come out jumbled and you dont understand what he is trying to say...

i get that way.. i have been in recovery since december from opiods... and i get to the point sometimes that i start to cry b/c i cant say what i mean.. and i get very frustrated by it... its like i forgot how to say certain words or how to speak...

if you ask him what he is talking about he will agree with what you think.. its part of his addictive brain telling him to tell you what you want to hear to leave him alone... i hate to put it that way... if it sounded mean but i didnt know how else to type it...

Nina Kay

It sounds to me like he is trying to find ways in his own mind to justify his addiction and to convince himself that he is in complete control so that he doesn't have an addiction anymore that is in control of him. He believes that if he can find a way to control it, then he can still do it without it controlling him, so then it's okay for him. Basicly, it's a relapse in progress. I'm sorry, but that's the way that I see it. That is an addict's stinkin' thinkin' that gets them into so much trouble and keeps them going back to it. I'm sorry to say that trying to make sense out of the way an addict thinks is a very futile endeavor. That's just my 2 cents, of course.

teke

hi, imo,december is really good for you guys but its really not a long time. it is in my understanding that recovery is a life time process. mind altering substances are what they are, they alter the thought process. i',m ara and addicts don't always think the same as non-addicts, it takes work and time for addict to regain some normalcy.

i agree with nina, sounds like stinky thinking to me, a relapse waiting to happen. i also agree with the others, try to focus more on you. whatever is going on with him and his stock trading, will soon come to light.

i was literally going insane trying to figure out all the why's,whats,hows and where's of my ah and his addictive behavior. i finally got so sick and tired of it till i just decided to let time tell the story and believe me, it will.

cassandra2

After you have been through active addiction and fallen into the typical responses (ie: controlling, monitoring, thinking, detective work, try to prove etc.....) it is very difficult to unlearn those things. Just as an addict is unlearning substance abuse we codies need to unlearn our behavior also.

This would include spending WAY tooo much time trying to figure out what is going on in their head. In all reality who really knows what, why, where for ANYONE in ANY given situation.

I have found that when I take the focus off of myself and spend too much time worrying about things that are out of control I am unable to think clearly, get anything done, process what is happening NOW today, and just plain miserable. That becomes something you get used to feeling as a codie, misery. Its very hard to break out of the habit. I still find myself going back there. I am getting better. Recognizing it and changing it before it becomes a problem but it happens I am human NOT perfect.

It really would irritate me when people would say that I was spending to much time worrying about the addict in my life and what, why, when, how...I now see why people said that. Each time you do that you lose more and more of yourself and it takes longer for you to get back to healthy.....

Maybe I am just rambling now but I really think that with your situation I wouldnt spend time figuring out what or why he is doing something. It puts to much stress on yourself and before you know it your off and running with the horrible thoughts that start to creep in. Stay out of your head sometimes its a dangerous place to be.......

winnie12

as long as your finances are seperate and they cannot affect you then in my humble opinion its his problem not yours. i try to keep my opinions to myself when the outcome (negative or positive) has nothing to do with me. maybe he just has some lessons he needs to learn like the fact that no one is making money in the stock market.

kwigers

Since your money is already separate, then it sounds like you are in fear for him making a mistake or experiencing his own truth about an idea.
Since you ask what you should do, my vote is to support him in his own inquiry about the subject. Perhaps actually listening to what he is saying with a open fearless mind, you may hear something other than what you think he is saying.
Even if he fails in making money, he may succeed in learning something powerful!
Much love and light~Cheryl

bluebelle

I obviously have a long way to go in this codie recovery stuff--a really long way. I obviously feel the illusion that I have some control over what is going on. I know that I don't--it's just hard to face. I guess I am just so afraid of getting blindsided again. I'm going about my life trying to accomplish things, and it turning out that he's just stuffing his brain with drugs. I know that I have already spent too much of my life wondering what he's going to do--this is after a lifetime of worrying about my mom and her drug usage. I have a lot of issues to deal with in my own life. For one thing, decisions regarding work/career for myself can seem overwhelming. It seems like it would be easier if ABF was at least working and seemed stable. I know that his being stable doesn't make me stable, but it is extra hard this way. I need to make some real decisions because I want to go to part-time work, and take some school loans, etc. The last few years have been pretty rocky--I've changed careers, taken classes, ABF got really addicted to drugs, and now is on his 2nd recovery. Meanwhile, we've moved across the country, and now I'm trying to work part-time. It just seems like a lot of changes.

We will definitely continue to keep our finances separate. We've been together for 12 years, and we really agree that this is important. It keeps us from having to argue about money, which is good because there is always something else to argue about.

Thanks for all your helpful words.