How do you deal with the pain of accepting reality?

Old 07-30-2009, 07:30 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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IPT - You are dancing a dance, back and forth, spin around, always comming back to the same steps, taking a break, sitting down to rest, only to get up and dance again.

Except this dance has gone on for so long, that it has become the motions that you have to take, not because you enjoy dancing any more, but because you just can't stop.

She is in your thoughts all the time, analizing your every action, her every action, what could I have done different, how could she do ......., how could I have ever let things go this far. and so forth and so on.

And it hurts. It hurts so bad sometimes, that it feels like you have been run over by a Mac truck pulling a fully loaded trailer...bump bump, bump bump...all eighteen wheels.

The obsession over how, why, what, when and will it ever end, cycling over and over again. Hurting so bad, that it is like tunnel vision, all you see and hear and feel is the hurt.

I've delt with these things my entire life as far back as my memories will take me, from family on to relationships. It helped create this co-dependent person that I am today.

I broke the dance off finelly, the same as you are doing today. One of the biggest things that changed for me and helped me see things differently was almost dying. Yes, it took that for me (hopefully not for you).

I realize many things now, my tunnel vision prevented me from seeing some of the most beautiful sites around me, it prevented me from living life. It blinded me. For every day that I continued to dance, I lost that day. Every morning I wake up and remind myself, my days are not infinate, I have only so many, how do I choose to use this one today? If I do nothing else, I choose to stop and see something beautiful around me today. A sunrise, a puffy cloud, a flower, a majestic tree, an innocent child. I truelly stop and observe these things and allow them to fill my senses. In the process, a little bit of the toxins from the past, flows out.

I try to make a conscious decision, that no matter what has happened in the past, I'm not going to loose today too. It makes me feel good, it eases the pain and I even find myself smiling.

Try it, maybe it will help you too.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 07-30-2009, 07:41 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Oh I am glad I read more, it sounds like you know you are making up stories, and that is what the ego loves to do, is make up stories so you can sit in victimland and feel rotten about your life and the world and everyone around you.
It is challenging in the begining to change your thinking patterns. I always noticed how when I first attempt to change a cycle of thoughts, my ego steps in and gets even louder...it just does not like change. No matter how miserable we happen to be, it is what the ego knows and feels comfortable with.
Hang inthere, and every time you catch your ego making up stories, simply start talking out loud about what you are doing in the moment. This actually helps nudge the needle on the record player in your head....:-)
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl
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Old 07-30-2009, 11:02 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post

we also gotta own up to our part too.......sure she may have been a lot of things.........but who picked her? and who hung on to her?
I agree with one part and not the other. The part I disagree on is that we got to accept our part in picking them. The reason I disagree is for many of us the person we thought we picked was an allusion. Someone they chose to play. I had no clue when I married my husband that he was an addict or an abuser. None. And there were no signs. My therapist and I went over it many times and there really were none. He played a part to get what he wanted. He was a very convincing actor. If I had had a sign that he was an addict or abuser I would have run in the other direction fast. I had a daughter to protect and was very stricked on who I dated. So there may be signs for some people but not for everyone.

On the hung on to part I totally agree. It was my choice to stay when he abused me, it was my choice to stay when I found out 5yrs into the marriage that he was also an addict. Didn't help that I had just given birth a few weeks earlier to our 3rd child. I did have choices and I made very poor ones. So I do agree we have to accept our part.


IPT all I can say is when you get those feelings go do something special for you. Something you enjoy. It helps. I didn't believe it at first when my therapist told me this or the women from my survivors of domestic violence group told me also. But it does help. I still wish he would suffer the way I did. But when those feelings or thoughts come I phone my kids, or I go for a walk with my dog, call a friend or do my crafts. Something that will change my train of thought. These thoughts are my problem not his. He is his own worst problem. He has to take care of himself and I have to take care of me and my kids.
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Old 07-30-2009, 11:38 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Thanks Nikki. I have been trying to take good care of myself. I like to come back here when I am having a weak moment . I am slowly doing better, realizing even if I did "get her" back into a relationship it is probably not really what I'd want. I am probably more wrapped up in helping her, curing her, or just winning her affection than I am the actual person.... I don;t really want to hurt her, she is hurting enough on her own. I don't think she hurt me intentionally...she ws just doing "the best she could" with the skills she has (which sadly are not very much).

My girl also was VERY good at putting a false foot forward. I think addicts, and people from dysfunctional families learn to hide, fake, and appear very different then they are. My girl once said she wishes she was more honest but she was afraid that I would not have accpeted her. Truth is, she is probablly right. They know that. I think with the dysfunctional upbringing she learned at an early age to hide things, be manipulative to get what she wanted, or needed.

Fair? No. Reality, yes. In a way I got suckered by her hiding truths (but it is all she knows, it IS how she lives...right or wrong, it is her current skill set)...and then once I saw the truth I choose to stay and try and change it, help her change, make it better, save the day.....and my fantasy...

Last edited by IPT; 07-30-2009 at 11:58 AM.
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Old 07-30-2009, 12:24 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
two challenge question for you IPT.....is the great sex WORTH the price? how big a part DOES sex play? you don't have share your responses, i'm not asking you to bare your soul! but we do have to get RUTHLESS when we examine OUR participation in unhealthy situations.....what GOT us there, what KEPT us there, what PULLS us back.
Thanks as always for your input. The fact is it was great, but it was too much of what constituted the "relationship" and as good as it was, the price was becoming too high anyway. Truth is, I craved more (from the relationship) and never got it, so the sex kept me hooked while I was waiting (again) for the rest of the fantasy to come true....or for me to "win her over" and realize that she was not what I wanted anyway.

Part of the pain is directly related to her not contacting me. I know if she called I would get a sense of instant releif because it would mean I was important to her. After all we've been thru it would be nice to know I was at least important to her....though I also know I should not base my worth or self esteem on someone else's actions, or lack of them .
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Old 10-05-2009, 02:14 PM
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Well, 2 months later and I have come a long way. Still have my moments but there are way more moments of peace and even times where that "pit" that used to live deep inside me 24/7 is not there at all. She is (slowly) fading into a memory with less emotion attached to it. What also is fading is all the needs that were not being meet by her or the relationship and that makes me in a way entertain the idea of "what the heck happened?". I find it helpful sometimes to go back and read what you all have said as well as my own responses. I also think there may be a few new people around that could maybe take some of the insight from this older thread and apply it to their situation.

I am a long way from being “there” but I am a lot closer than I was here. I think like was said the emotion will fade, but there will ALWAYS be a small part of my heart that will break for and love this women who came into my life.
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