ADVICE NEEDED~Husband has relapsed
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sebring, Florida
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ADVICE NEEDED~Husband has relapsed
I need advice! Please, someone tell me what I am suppossed to do.
My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary on 07/21. Before my husband and I started dating he had been an addict (heroin). He went through a 9 month recovery program and upon completion he had been asked to stay on as a new members instructor. He was on staff for 2 1/2 years and we started dating when he was leaving the program and started a new job in a diffrent town. We have had a rough marriage and faced many obstacles. I have been married before and I share children with my ex husband. The past few months have been very difficult. My husband lost his job, our new home fell through and we started a custody battle for my youngest child. In all of this I started feeling like he was using again. I used to be an addict myself to marjuanna but his drug of choice was not one in which I am familar with. His weight loss, apetite loss, no sex drive and mood swings and his abusive behavior all started to flag me. Now he has gotten so deep that it shows in our finances (bank acct drained) and he is pawning things. He finally admitted it yesterday. I was furious and left. Stayed at my sisters for the night. I told him I needed time to think this through and to handle this with my head on straight. He tells me he is not doing herion but that he has been abusing prescription drugs. I went home this morning before work and I checked our account. My pay check went in last night and needless to say we are over drawn $117.00. When I confronted him, he said I have a problem, I need help. But he says no to rehab, no to his accountability partners knowing, NO to everything and he says I am to blame because of all the baggage I brought into the relationship. He has never been married and has no children of his own. I am just at such a loss and do not know what way to turn. We have been active members in our church and community. We both love the Lord and up until now, I thought we both realized what He had done for us. He has always been a wonderful husband and father. I have never seen this side of him. I do not know what to do. His family offers no support, his mom enables him. She will do whatever to defend him and she tells me that if I had never came into her sons life, they would not be in this situation right now.
I love my husband, I do not want to be without him and I only want him happy. He cries, says he is sorry, that he loves me and that he can just not do it anymore. But he has been using for at least two months and I question if he can just stop. I know that is nieve of me but I don't know what to do. I am working and he drains the account before I can even get it out. Someone, please give me some advice! :praying
My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary on 07/21. Before my husband and I started dating he had been an addict (heroin). He went through a 9 month recovery program and upon completion he had been asked to stay on as a new members instructor. He was on staff for 2 1/2 years and we started dating when he was leaving the program and started a new job in a diffrent town. We have had a rough marriage and faced many obstacles. I have been married before and I share children with my ex husband. The past few months have been very difficult. My husband lost his job, our new home fell through and we started a custody battle for my youngest child. In all of this I started feeling like he was using again. I used to be an addict myself to marjuanna but his drug of choice was not one in which I am familar with. His weight loss, apetite loss, no sex drive and mood swings and his abusive behavior all started to flag me. Now he has gotten so deep that it shows in our finances (bank acct drained) and he is pawning things. He finally admitted it yesterday. I was furious and left. Stayed at my sisters for the night. I told him I needed time to think this through and to handle this with my head on straight. He tells me he is not doing herion but that he has been abusing prescription drugs. I went home this morning before work and I checked our account. My pay check went in last night and needless to say we are over drawn $117.00. When I confronted him, he said I have a problem, I need help. But he says no to rehab, no to his accountability partners knowing, NO to everything and he says I am to blame because of all the baggage I brought into the relationship. He has never been married and has no children of his own. I am just at such a loss and do not know what way to turn. We have been active members in our church and community. We both love the Lord and up until now, I thought we both realized what He had done for us. He has always been a wonderful husband and father. I have never seen this side of him. I do not know what to do. His family offers no support, his mom enables him. She will do whatever to defend him and she tells me that if I had never came into her sons life, they would not be in this situation right now.
I love my husband, I do not want to be without him and I only want him happy. He cries, says he is sorry, that he loves me and that he can just not do it anymore. But he has been using for at least two months and I question if he can just stop. I know that is nieve of me but I don't know what to do. I am working and he drains the account before I can even get it out. Someone, please give me some advice! :praying
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by crazymama 
When I confronted him, he said I have a problem, I need help. But he says no to rehab, no to his accountability partners knowing, NO to everything and he says I am to blame because of all the baggage I brought into the relationship.
You are not to blame. He relapsed because he wants to get high.
Many addicts are exceptionally good at manipulating people and projecting the blame for their own choices, on others. This is what's he's trying to do to you. But you are way too smart for this and it's going to roll off your back, like water, off a duck.
He says he needs help but NO to acting upon those words. Ignore the man's words and pay attention to his actions. He is doing what addicts do.
Ignore his mom. She lives along the river, Denial.
First thing first, open a new bank account in your name only and get your direct deposit switched over or take the physical check. He's on a run and will take whatever is not nailed down to sustain his addiction. This is what narcotic addicts do.
I am going to assume he has a cell phone that you pay for. Cancel it, if the acocunt is in your name and you are responsible for the bill.
Anything and everything can be pawned, sold or traded for money/drugs. If you value it, get it out of the house.
As for the rest, only you can decide what's acceptable to you and most importantly, what's best for your children. Being exposed to /living with a narcotic addict will put all of you on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
You have a choice to get off the ride, anytime you want.
In the meantime, you did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you most definitely cannot cure this.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi Crazymama
First thing you need to know is that none of this has anything to do with you! YOU did not cause him to do this and ya know what... he knew about your previous marriage and kids before he married you so he is clearly grasping at straws to find a way to make it your fault. He's just making excuses like A's do. Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions or do anything to help himself. All you can do is what you think is best for you and your kids.
I would open a new account that doesn't have his name on it so he doesn't have access...
First thing you need to know is that none of this has anything to do with you! YOU did not cause him to do this and ya know what... he knew about your previous marriage and kids before he married you so he is clearly grasping at straws to find a way to make it your fault. He's just making excuses like A's do. Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions or do anything to help himself. All you can do is what you think is best for you and your kids.
I am working and he drains the account before I can even get it out. Someone, please give me some advice!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello, and welcome to SR.
We have a saying in Al-Anon called the 3 C's of alcoholism. It 'works' for addiction too.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
It's not your fault and the responsibility to stop using belongs _only_ to your husband. He has to want to stop and until he becomes willing to do what it takes to get and stay clean- he will continue to use. Thankfully for him- he already knows what recovery is about- that's a plus. In the meanwhile, maybe you could look into attending some Naranon or Al-Anon meetings for some face to face support in addition to coming here to SR.
What I've learned to do is to watch the actions of the other person instead of focusing on what is said; this includes the addict and the others involved.
I hope you will take a look around the Friends & Family forums' sticky threads and continue to come here to this FF of Substance Abusers.
The best thing I can recommend for you right now is to learn what you need to do to keep yourself safe and serene. That would include- especially at this time- protecting your finances.
We have a saying in Al-Anon called the 3 C's of alcoholism. It 'works' for addiction too.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
It's not your fault and the responsibility to stop using belongs _only_ to your husband. He has to want to stop and until he becomes willing to do what it takes to get and stay clean- he will continue to use. Thankfully for him- he already knows what recovery is about- that's a plus. In the meanwhile, maybe you could look into attending some Naranon or Al-Anon meetings for some face to face support in addition to coming here to SR.
What I've learned to do is to watch the actions of the other person instead of focusing on what is said; this includes the addict and the others involved.
I hope you will take a look around the Friends & Family forums' sticky threads and continue to come here to this FF of Substance Abusers.
The best thing I can recommend for you right now is to learn what you need to do to keep yourself safe and serene. That would include- especially at this time- protecting your finances.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sebring, Florida
Posts: 10
Thank you, all of you who have responded so promptly! I called the bank, we will go there as soon as I get off work. We share an account and the bank says we both have to sign for him to be removed. Ironic thing is I found a Naranon meeting to attend~tonight at 6:00pm. That suggesstion couldn't have come at any better time. I am right now on hold with the phone company, getting the cell phone cut off.
My girls are going to be out of town this weekend and I am trying to sort out weather I should stay at the house or leave as well. I want to support him, but at the same time I am so full of rage and anger that I don't even want to look at him. I understand that people may slip but the blaming it on me just threw me for a loop. He keeps saying that I think this is out of control and that I think he can't kick some pills. We're not talking a few pills, we're talking $2,274.41 in two weeks time, gone. I had loaned against my life insurance policy to get out of the hole, put it in the bank and before I could get my bills paid, it was gone. There's just no way it's only some pills.
To top it all off, he wants to know why him and I can't just handle this on our own. Why I can't be his wife and support him. I will keep an eye on the behavior and try to not listen and pay attention to all the words he keeps spitting out of his mouth. I told him that he needed to plan to not stay at the house. We will see what happens.
Again, I appreciate your advice. Keep it coming, I will need it!
I keep praying for the strength to get through this, it is just so hard right now. I feel like I have lived a lie and I gave my whole heart to him and he has betrayed me.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by crazymama
I called the bank, we will go there as soon as I get off work. We share an account and the bank says we both have to sign for him to be removed.
You said something about wanting to support him. Took me a while to accept I'm supporting recovery or supporting addiction, and there are no gray areas.
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Location: Sebring, Florida
Posts: 10
Anvilhead~
Thank you, although I don't feel like I am really doing well. I guess I can say, I am breathing, my girls are healthy and it could be much worse. I am so glad I found this site. I find myself going crazy trying to sort it all out in my own mind.
Thank you, although I don't feel like I am really doing well. I guess I can say, I am breathing, my girls are healthy and it could be much worse. I am so glad I found this site. I find myself going crazy trying to sort it all out in my own mind.
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Chino~
I am calling the bank now to question that. I spoke with my sister and she was telling me the same thing. Either way, I am going to the bank as soon as I can get there. You have such a good point about either recovery or addiction. I just don't want my girls to be exposed to all this. Thankfully, they have been gone for the most part with it being summer and all. I have a 15, 12, 11 and 3 year old. The older girls have been spending a lot of time with family and went on youth trip. They just got back and will go to see their dad toningt. It does make me want to just go crazy!
I feel like it is all just too much all at once. This is all new to me. Like I said before, I once was an addict but when I was done, I was done. i don't mean to seem judgemental, because I know this can happen to anyone, I just realized a long the way that there is so much more to life and my girls and Christ are just a few.
I am calling the bank now to question that. I spoke with my sister and she was telling me the same thing. Either way, I am going to the bank as soon as I can get there. You have such a good point about either recovery or addiction. I just don't want my girls to be exposed to all this. Thankfully, they have been gone for the most part with it being summer and all. I have a 15, 12, 11 and 3 year old. The older girls have been spending a lot of time with family and went on youth trip. They just got back and will go to see their dad toningt. It does make me want to just go crazy!
I feel like it is all just too much all at once. This is all new to me. Like I said before, I once was an addict but when I was done, I was done. i don't mean to seem judgemental, because I know this can happen to anyone, I just realized a long the way that there is so much more to life and my girls and Christ are just a few.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hi crazymama,
Sorry to jump in here. I am a recovered alcoholic Mom and wife.
I just wanted to say one thing and that is, if the ex gets a hold of this information, you are going to lose your custody battle.
ESPECIALLY if it is found out that you knew and THEN stayed.
Please keep this in mind.
You can not save him, but you can save your children.
Ago, I never took heroin or pills but I really do not see how you could spend 1k a week on pills on a supposedly fairly new addiction????
IMO, you are being played.
Grr, and let his Mom "fix" him.
Sorry, I am not a good Alanoner
(Blaming it on you just pissed me off)
Good luck!
Sorry to jump in here. I am a recovered alcoholic Mom and wife.
I just wanted to say one thing and that is, if the ex gets a hold of this information, you are going to lose your custody battle.
ESPECIALLY if it is found out that you knew and THEN stayed.
Please keep this in mind.
You can not save him, but you can save your children.
Ago, I never took heroin or pills but I really do not see how you could spend 1k a week on pills on a supposedly fairly new addiction????
IMO, you are being played.
Grr, and let his Mom "fix" him.
Sorry, I am not a good Alanoner
(Blaming it on you just pissed me off) Good luck!
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TTOSBT~
You are right! I have been thinking about all this already. He has been unreachable for almost 3 hours now. I am making the arrangements now to not stay at the house. Best friend and sister are getting the girls and their spouses will meet me at the house to get clothing, etc until I can get the rest of this figured out. It is just so much at one time but I have a lot to loose with his habit.
I realize it may be easier for her to think I am to blame, but she has to know deep down other wise and if not...she can pick up the pieces. I love him but I will not be blind and my girls are innocent and my responsibility lies with them first.
I appreciate your thoughts!
You are right! I have been thinking about all this already. He has been unreachable for almost 3 hours now. I am making the arrangements now to not stay at the house. Best friend and sister are getting the girls and their spouses will meet me at the house to get clothing, etc until I can get the rest of this figured out. It is just so much at one time but I have a lot to loose with his habit.
I realize it may be easier for her to think I am to blame, but she has to know deep down other wise and if not...she can pick up the pieces. I love him but I will not be blind and my girls are innocent and my responsibility lies with them first.
I appreciate your thoughts!
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Location: Sebring, Florida
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VIVIDSERENITY~ My baby girls name is Serenity! I got pregnant with her after my addiction. Thanks for the hug!!! I need that!
I feel like I have my own support system! Thanks to everyone!
I feel like I have my own support system! Thanks to everyone!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Originally Posted by crazymama
Anvilhead~
Thank you, although I don't feel like I am really doing well. I guess I can say, I am breathing, my girls are healthy and it could be much worse. I am so glad I found this site. I find myself going crazy trying to sort it all out in my own mind.
Thank you, although I don't feel like I am really doing well. I guess I can say, I am breathing, my girls are healthy and it could be much worse. I am so glad I found this site. I find myself going crazy trying to sort it all out in my own mind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
When u open the new bank account...if it's a checking account, try to use a different address if u can so they don't mail the checks to your house. I have mine mailed to the bank and pick them up there, or mailed to my office and I keep them locked up in my office @ work now. My ex-abf's doc is heroin. He stole checks out of my refills, out of the middle and back of the books so I wouldn't notice. He wrote checks to himself and forged my signature and cleaned out my account.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
He's been through a 9 month recovery program and worked in the field for 2 1/2 years. That means he has the tools to stay in recovery, but has chosen not to. He made the conscious choice to go back to using.
Kudos to you for putting yourself and those precious kids first! :ghug2
Kudos to you for putting yourself and those precious kids first! :ghug2
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Alaia~
Thanks for the advice. Accounts have been closed and everyone was right, did not need his signature. When I got home, I packed everything up and has his mom come pick him up. He didn't fight it and to top it off...yesterday he was popped with a drug screen and failed. His boss seen a change too and knowing his past, checked. He is waiting for a call from the center and has said he is going to get help. Will believe that when I see it. Drug of choice~ Oxy.... He finally gave that up in the midst of my loosing it last night.
My biggest question now is, how do I clear my name and get out of this hole? From cash advances, to pawned jewelery and an over drawn, now closed account, I just don't know how to begin picking up the pieces. I thought the meeting lastnight was Naranon, it was Narcotics Annom., not for the family. Meeting is on Tuesday, I will be there.
I just feel very numb..... I go from being content to crying and then to being so mad I feel like I can't breath.
The girls are upset and explaining things to them has been difficult. Lots of tears from them. Trying to hold it together for them.....just not as easy as I would like it to be.
Thanks for the advice. Accounts have been closed and everyone was right, did not need his signature. When I got home, I packed everything up and has his mom come pick him up. He didn't fight it and to top it off...yesterday he was popped with a drug screen and failed. His boss seen a change too and knowing his past, checked. He is waiting for a call from the center and has said he is going to get help. Will believe that when I see it. Drug of choice~ Oxy.... He finally gave that up in the midst of my loosing it last night.
My biggest question now is, how do I clear my name and get out of this hole? From cash advances, to pawned jewelery and an over drawn, now closed account, I just don't know how to begin picking up the pieces. I thought the meeting lastnight was Naranon, it was Narcotics Annom., not for the family. Meeting is on Tuesday, I will be there.
I just feel very numb..... I go from being content to crying and then to being so mad I feel like I can't breath.
The girls are upset and explaining things to them has been difficult. Lots of tears from them. Trying to hold it together for them.....just not as easy as I would like it to be.
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
You can work your way out of this hole, it will take time though. Make a list of what you owe and prioritize what you need to pay first. Look at your income now that he's gone and see how far it goes. Economize and tell your older daughters they need to economize too to get thru this. Maybe they can pick up some baby sitting jobs to pay for their own expenses. As if times aren't tough enough anyway, huh? My own teenage kids have to work for their back to school stuff. When you keep a record of your expenses, you can see it going down a little bit every month, and eventually you will be out of it.
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