I have no idea what to do

Old 07-22-2009, 12:04 PM
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I have no idea what to do

I have to make a really tough decision in the next couple of days and I have no idea what to do. And of course the decision is mine to make with no help from my AH since he has no part in the kids lives. I have to decide weather to split my kids up, I get the 2 boys and my parents take permant custody of my oldest who is my daughter. Or Take all 3 kids. Why is this such a hard decision? There are many reasons. My daughter has sever emotional problems and acts out by seeking out and hurting her brothers severly. She also lies to everyone. Not little lies huge ones that can cause the children to be removed by social services. She destroys property and her own possesions. My oldest son also has ADHD and color blindness. He is only 4 so is having a hard time dealing with all of the stuff happening.

For safety reason it hsa been suggested to split them up. At least for a while. This way my daughter can get the one on one care she needs and supervision and structure she needs and the boys do not learn from her example and also are safe and my oldest son can get more care and attention that he needs.

I am going to be a single mom either way. My heart aches to have all of them home. I love all my kids. But everyone is telling me I need to look at the big picture. I need to do what is best for them since I obviously have failed them when it came to protecting them from my AH. I want to make the right decision.

Why am I always the responsible one? Why do I have to make all the hard life changing decisions? Why do the addicts get to make an exit to do as they please with no responsibility? I love my kids> I don't want to hurt any of them. I want them to have the best life possible. I am so lost.
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:18 PM
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I am so sorry you are facing such a heart wrenching decision.

My initial question is why is permanent custody at issue? Is it possible your parents could take your daughter with temporary gaurdianship? Are they near you where you could have as much time as humanly possible with her?

I guess where I am going with it is that permanent custody and removal from the home for her is traumatizing of course, but I wonder if making it a "temporary" arrangement or more like an extended visit with grandma and grandpa would soften the blow for both of you.

You are talking about the health and welfare of all your children. Each one requiring different therapeutic needs. Once those needs are met, you may find the reason for the separation in the first place becomes manageable and they can spend more time together.

The goal is just to make the next right decision. Let the master plan play out from there. If this is the healthy decision for them, then take a deep breathe and get it done.

Hugs to you.

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Old 07-22-2009, 12:27 PM
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Thanks. My kids were removed from my home because of my AH abusing me and my kids. That was a year and a half ago. I have finally gotten him out of my life and am doing well enough that social services is considering giving me custody agian. But the issue with my daughter has caused everyone to wonder if it is best that she stay where she is. Her therapist is there, her school knows her and her history, all her workers are there and her doctor too. So she is in a routine already there.

All of them will have a huge change in their lives when they come here. THey will finally realize that it is true that daddy and I are no longer together. They will no longer have a two parent home(which is what they had with me before and with my mom) but a single parent home with very little to no contact with their father, which is all his choice.

My parents live an hour and a half away. I do not drive so when we would visit we would have to take the bus or have them come visit us. I want them all to be safe and have the best and healthiest home possible.
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:34 PM
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Do you think your daughter would benefit from more change?
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:41 PM
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Either way she will have change in her life. If she comes to my house it will be a HUGE change. If she stays she will see her brothers leave and her life become more structured and centered around her. I also fear she will be deeply hurt that I brought her brothers home and not her. That she will feel unwanted, unloved and deserted. None of which is true. If she comes here she will have all new doctors, therapists, teachers who do not know her history. She will realize her dad is not here and I know she will be hurt by that. Either way I have no idea which decision will cause the least amount of pain and be the best for her life.
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:52 PM
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((Nikki)

I will pray that you will be given the strength, couarge and wisdom from Your HP to know what is the very best decision to make for you and your children.

You are an AWESOME mom - how do I know? Because you care about how this will affect them!! that's what's important.

When I have decisions like this I try to remember - I don't have the power to mess up God's plan - I Make my decision and ask God to Block it or Bless it and guide me along the way.

That's what has helped me!!

BIG HUGS for you!!
Rita
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Old 07-22-2009, 01:49 PM
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hi, sorry you are having to go through all of this and i just wanted to add my esp. my 6 kids were affected a lot due to addiction and abuse while living with my ah but i was told that as i and their surroundings got better then they would too.

is not clear to me how old your kids are, especially your daughter, but with my kids, i found out that the only way they learned to cope with the abuse was to act out. i'm wondering if the change in your life would also make a difference in their lives. sounds kind of like you are leaning more toward letting your daughter stay. i think the decision is yours and i pray that your hp helps you to make the best one for all of you. keeping you in my prayers
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Old 07-22-2009, 01:52 PM
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Nikki I'm saying prayers that God grants all of you serenity, courage and wisdom.
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Old 07-22-2009, 02:21 PM
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My daughter is 10. My two sons are 4 and 18 months. I am not leaning anyway right now. I am waring with myself on what would be the best option for the healthiest life for everyone. Including myself.
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Old 07-22-2009, 04:09 PM
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The reason the decision has to be made in the next couple of days is because that is when the final conference is with my supoort team and social services. There are no more extensions to be had. Either the children go permant custody to my parents or they come back to me. I am ready emotionally and finacially to care for them. As for moving closer that is not possible. If I move closer then it means I am that much closer to where my AH lives. Right now I am almost 3 hours awy from him. If I move to the town the kids are currently at then I would only be an hour and a half from him. Plus my support network and team are here.

It won't be a slow transition when I get them. They will be brought here to stay. Though I have already decided that they will visit with my parents a couple of times a month and can call them as often as they need too. I also have already set up support networks for the kids here so when they get here it is already in place. I just have to decide whether I am getting all three or try seperating them for a while to see if that will help my daughter deal with her issues.
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Old 07-22-2009, 05:47 PM
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Nikki, talk with your daughters' counselors and doctors, get their recommendations ............................... ie better for her to stay with the familiar right now and let them help her to deal with her brothers coming to you or to totally change her environment.

You say they know her, they have been working with her, and if it were me, I would go with their recommendations, ........................................... which I suspect will be to leave her for now with your folks .............................. where she will get 'one on one' with both of them, and be seeing the counselors and doctors she is familiar with. It will be hard for you, no doubt, but for your daughter may be the best thing, for now.

Please talk with her counselors and doctors. I am sure they will certainly give you their honest suggestions and diagnosis since you are her mom and you only have her best interests at heart.

I also think that CPS will look favorably on you for doing what is best for your daughter right now.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-22-2009, 06:49 PM
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I agree with Laurie -- talk to her counselors and get their opinion.

I'm so sorry you have to be faced with such a difficult decision right now but at least you have your AH out of the picture and you are at peace in that regard. You sound like a great mom.

God bless you.
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