Learn2Live

You guys, I know I'm all right but I am disturbed this morning and I need to share what I am going through.

My A+A ExBF called my cell phone last night. I didn't pick up for obvious reasons. He left my home in January this year and I didn't let him back. I've been trying to get him out of my life since then. He would come back under some pretense that he wanted to finish some work around my house that he had left unfinished. I fell for it over and over with the hopes that he would someday get clean and sober and we could be together. I know he does this because he knows what I need and I really do need help keeping up with that house and all the stuff falling apart that I don't know how to fix (toilets, radon fans, electrical things, you know).

Anyway, that went on for months, basically on weekends. But every time I heard any indication that he was with other women, under any circumstances, I told him to get his stuff out of my house. He'd take a truckload or two each time.

The last time over July 4 weekend was IT. He spent the entire weekend with this widowed woman (the dead husband was his "best friend") and her children and they all spent the night on his boat. But they "didn't sleep together." RIGHT. He has been telling me that he has just been "helping" her because she "needs" him in her time of sorrow, etc. Whatever. It doesn't even matter what the truth is anymore because this behavior is just unacceptable and harmful to me.

Now, it's been since July 7 since I've seen or talked to him because I had to force him out of my life. I just don't want to hear or know ANYTHING that he is doing because I am so tired of guessing at the truth and being hurt by him being with other women. I'm tired of the half-truths and the lies and the manipulations that make me crazy trying to figure out what is REALLY going on.

So, anyway, he calls my cell last night and leaves a "message." Like a dummy, I listened to the message cause I was wondering, "Oh, what's he got to say THIS time?" MISTAKE. It's a recording of him walking up to this woman's house, and he says to her, "This is for you" and I hear her say "Oh, that's nice." And then I hear him telling her two little boys, "Look guys, I got you T.V.s so now you will each have a T.V. in your own rooms. And I don't have just cable, I've got satellite!" Then they have some more miscellaneous conversation and then he says, "Oh, where's my phone?" And then it clicks off.

What? His phone just ACCIDENTALLY called my cell phone when (1) he has a flip phone (2) He hasn't called my cell phone since July 7 and (3) their voices were so clear it was like he had a microphone up to their faces while they had this conversation. So no way the phone was in his pocket and accidentally dialed me as cell phones sometimes do when they're in your pocket!

So at first I totally reacted, pissed, angry, calling him all kinds of names. He's just rubbing it in my face that they have now moved in together!?! And he's paying for SATELLITE for these people when he wouldn't even help me with my bills when he lived in my house for two years?!

So I call and text as many people I can, and tell the story over and over to rant and rave and try to figure out what the hell that was all about and what do they think? Everyone has different opinions but there was some answer that I was looking for.

Well after doing this for an hour or so, trying to calm myself down and get out of my anger (which didn't work) (ya'll know I have a real problem with my anger), here is what I came up with. Can I have some feedback on what I've decided this was all about? I know I only want to hear I'm right so that this aching will leave my heart.

I decided that this man is obviously very confused about making the right choices in his life and unable to relate to ANYONE in a healthy way. He probably is coming down from a coke binge over the weekend and is trying to clear out all the truckloads and truckloads of his junk that I made him get out of my house and off my property within the last couple months. He lives on a boat so obviously doesn't have room for a houseful of stuff. So anyway, I told myself he is probably very confused and grasping for straws at this point, anything to try to manipulate me back into his life. I think he's preparing me for a visit from him at the end of the month because I know he's coming my way (about an hour from where he is living now) for a doctors appointment. Maybe he was just trying to show me how good a person he really is by letting me know he's giving these kids T.V.s.

I am going to post this on the Alcoholic Family forum too.

Thanks for listening.

isurvived

Block his number!

MsPINKAcres

my only comment is:

Honey, you deserve something so much better than this - please try to work on letting it go. I know it's not easy, but you truly do deserve something so much healthier than this.

HUGS,
Rita

Learn2Live

I don't know how.

PurpleWilder

Call your service provider - they can maybe do it from their end? Or, if you have lost your phone's manual, you can probably Google it and read it online.

What I did when I got a secondhand phone w/o a manual was to assign a special ringtone to any number I knew my ex called from regularly. That way, when I heard the tone, I never bothered answering it.

JMFburns

L2L,

I know it's hard.

Lately I've been able to catch myself about 5-10 minutes into my obsession about my son (what is he doing, why is he doing it, what's the logic in it, where is it going to lead him, how will I be involved, etc.) and have been able to STOP and say a prayer to my HP to let it go. It doesn't always make me feel wonderful, but it does help me to take the focus off of my son - I have no business obsessing about him because he is gonna do what he is gonna do regardless of what I say, do, think.

Say a prayer to "Let Go and Let God" then focus on something else.

Gypsy Feet

I changed my number. The only thing I can say is the sooner you get to the point where all of this is just pathetic and disgusting, the better. Because from here, all of his behavior sounds pathetic and disgusting, and you deserve better.

tjp613

OMG! Is his name TIM by any chance??? I went thru this kind of crap for FOUR years with my long-ago ex-BF. Take a look at a website called lovefraud[dot]com and specifically the "key symptoms" of a sociopath. It will give you chills how close to home this hits.

Trust me. Just don't listen to any more messages, change your cell number and get on with your life. RUN!!

Ann

He left the message, you "reacted" to many people. No doubt he will hear that you reacted and do it again. Accidental or not, you played into his game.

The question is, how long do you want to continue this dance of codependency? You get to change your number, you get to let go of his problems, let go of "what might have been" because it isn't and it has a great cost (living with an active addict who plays games), you get to say "enough" and never "go there" again.

The choices are yours. The consequences and/or rewards are yours also. So far, I don't see you getting anything from this relationship except pain.

Maybe, just for today, choose living life well. Change your number, find yourself a meeting and wrap yourself in recovery for you because you deserve so much better than this. Choose to live in the solution instead of the problem and good things will follow.

Hugs

Ann

P.S. I merged your thread in FFA with this one, as the rules allow only one forum per thread...it just gets too confusing to have the same thread running on more than one forum.

Learn2Live

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST! Your opening line is HILARIOUS and I really needed that laugh!!!!!

atalose

Learn,

When you say you don’t know how, do you mean how to let go of him and all your emotions that are revolving around him and his addiction?

Learn2Live

atalose, thank you for asking.

I know how to let go of him and I am fine without him (just a little sad still but I will get through it). I know I will because I've done this SO many times before (this is my 8th breakup and I'm 41). I'm sorry this post is so long but I really think I need to talk about what I am going through right now and all the stuff that's in my head.

I'm trying to get my bearings because what happened last night really threw me off balance.

Honestly, I've been trying to get and keep this man OUT of my life for two years--since the very SECOND he told me about his crack use. I told him to get in my car and drove him right back to where I had found him. He called me and said he would quit, quit everything because he wanted to be with me and always wanted to build a life with someone but never had. (We had been friends long ago when I was a teenager. He had always been so kind and thoughtful and protective of me back then).

I posted a few days ago how he just moved right on into my house and made himself comfortable. I never asked him to move in, nor did I want him to. I am VERY happy living by myself. I had finally found peace and serenity in my life and a nice place of my own. I was dumbfounded (but obviously I have weak boundaries). He screwed up my daily routine, his behavior caused me so much stress, he would just blow thru my house coming and going as he pleased. Basically destroying my peace and serenity for two years. Each time I tried to get rid of him I couldn't (primarily for my OWN moral reasons but also because I didn't know HOW). And I always took him back, sometimes because I felt bad about how I had reacted when I kicked him out.

He eventually did work his way up to quitting EVERYTHING his life consisted of (drinking, bars, crack, women, gambling, etc) because at some point, after a while of trying to be in a relationship with me (he "cheated on me" twice), he realized that his behavior was hurting me. So, he bit the bullet, started studying the Bible with me and got clean for 4 months but never went to rehab or got a program. During that time he started to calm down, his sleep cycle normalized, and I helped him to clean himself up, get himself back into a normal hygiene routine, get to the dentist to fix the damage he had done (he's spent about $10,000 so far). Things like that. He had actually started READING again, something he hadn't done since graduating high school (and he's 47 years old).

So, because he was obviously trying, and was not like a cyclone in my life anymore, I let him stay. I NEVER really believed that he was going to turn into the perfect boyfriend and I ALWAYS helped him strictly out of the friendship and feelings from long ago. And frankly, I was very mature about the whole thing (for the first time in my life). I was very aware that whatever he did, that was his life and really, even when he "cheated" it hurt but I knew he did NOTHING to ME. He did it to himself.

But even though I had long periods of this maturity and understanding and unconditional love and emotional detachment from him, eventually, whether he was clean or sober, no matter what he did, my feelings would take over. It's been like an emotional ping pong game. Honestly, I have never stopped being in love with this man for 28 years. (His recent behavior however is helping to cure that!)

He was very grateful for my helping him and thanked me sincerely. He did fine for that four months until his parents gave him $600 last Christmas. That was it. He took off on a rampage and hasn't come down from it since. His life is going back to right where it was when I found him two years ago.

I did my best to help a friend, just as my morals instruct me, and I can do no more. At this point I am just avoiding all contact and avoiding knowing ANYTHING about him, so that I can get my life back on track and stop getting hurt every 2 weeks.

Thanks for listening.
L2L

splendra

Let's say that nothing happens by accident for a moment concerning this cell phone message; so at least you know that he is obviously deeply involved with this family.

Guard your heart be gentle with yourself

atalose

Learn,

You post as long and as often as you feel you need to, that’s how we get better!!

I had a similar experience with someone from my past, someone who showed me nice attention and respect at my young age of 18. I developed a crush on him and held a fantasy life with him in my head for years. After my divorce our paths crossed and of course my thinking was something like this “O its fate that brought us back into each others lives after all these years” then when we did begin to talk and get close of course my “fantasy/dream” came true or so I thought.

Turns out that the person I dreamed about all those years didn’t even exist. Yes he was nice to me and showed genuine concern but he had so many issues that my fantasy clouded over. There were so many red flags wagging in my face yet my dreams and desires overshadowed all of them.

I so desperately wanted to be taken care of and loved by that fantasy guy I knew so many years ago that I allowed myself to accept so little yet continued to give and give and fix and fix.

The ending of that relationship opened up the door for me to discover my codependency!!

I do believe you will get your life back on track and I also believe you will have the strength to keep this toxic person out of your life for good.

And the quicker you can release him from your thoughts and all the things you need to talk about the quicker you will get your life back on track.

Don’t waist your time or energy on trying to figure out his why’s, with that phone call or anything else. Now is the time you need to begin thinking about your own why’s so you don’t repeat things down the road with him or anyone else.

Learn2Live

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement atalose. They help me not to feel so alone. I hope folks don't mind that I keep writing to help me get my brain straight and get me back to being able to look at the past objectively. PLEASE COMMENT. I really need your feedback everybody.

The relationship you describe in your post is the same relationship I had with a recovering addict when I was nearing my thirties. Like you:
That same event also marked the beginning of my awareness, especially that I needed to be in Active Recovery and that I needed to learn so many things. So I have been on this journey for a while. I know it never ends.

I did jump back into the fire two years ago, not because of any illusion that I was going to be taken care of by him or that we would live happier ever after (like I dreamed would happen in the last relationship). I am certain this is because I am a lot older now than I was before, and because once I got into Recovery, I kept moving forward. These things have made me not needy.

I totally changed the people, places, and things in my life; went to college, got two degrees; accomplished a lot I never dreamed I would do; and now have a kickass job and am finally financially secure for the first time in my entire life. I have good social supports and am working on my spiritual life. I do have a lot of strength I never had before.

It is very difficult to go back to full codependency (and deluding yourself and believing in fate or soulmates or "love of my life" all that dramatic stuff) when you have really worked on yourself, your life and your future. I am not needy in any way other than I need work done to my house and not sure how to go about that.

I don't want to screw anyone up in their Recovery here, especially those who are just discovering and learning about Codependence. But I decided years ago that I am NOT "Codependent." I HAVE Codependent tendencies. I have historically involved myself in Codependent RELATIONSHIPS. But by wording it this way, I give myself the CHOICE to be in a Codependent relationship or not, and I have the CHOICE to act in Codependent ways or not. I am not stuck with a label that defines and limits who I am.

So with this man who I am now trying to get out of my life, I just could NOT in good conscience turn my back on this person who had been so kind to me when I was a teen. It was obvious to me he had NO IDEA how bad off he was and no one in his life had ever mentioned to him that there might be a problem (despite his very obvious physical decline, including his awful breath from advanced periodontal disease and missing his three front teeth from smoking crack).

I never intellectually sought to have a successful relationship with him and was really able to remain detached much of the time. But I do admit that he was just so cute some of the time! Because I truly loved him unconditionally. Yes, I tried to help him, yes I took care of him to help him get back on his feet and relearn many things that he had just completely forgotten. If that is an indication that I am "Codependent" then I accept that label with dignity and honor. The reason is the following:

Because of my "codependence" my dear alcoholic, gambling-addicted, womanizing, crackhead friend relearned to brush his teeth at least twice a day, relearned to wash his hair with shampoo and wash his body with soap. He relearned that he should wear deodorant every day and he relearned that he should shave his face every day. He relearned that he should not walk around with long greasy hair but that he should get haircuts once in a while, and that his clothes should be laundered, and that he should wear shoes when walking outside. He relearned that he should wash his feet before bed and that he should clip his toenails and fingernails every few weeks. He relearned that he should wash his hands after using the toilet and that he shouldn't throw his trash on the living room floor. I could go on but I think that's probably enough.

I honestly don't know why what he does hurts me so much. All I know is that it raises the fear of God in me and the fear and the racing heart and all the signs of stress are just too much for good for me. Because I have had a bit of peace and serenity in my life, I am better at knowing what is me versus what is "them." I own what is mine and can let go of what belongs to someone else. It's getting easier as I age.

I agree with what you say here because it really doesn't matter WHY but the behavior of addicts is rather perplexing. I know I can never completely emotionally detach from that.

IPT

I haven't had time to read the full thread yet (at work, just had a min). I will say that I can totally relate! My A(X?)GF has me in a tail spin. I can totally understand how you can stuggle to get him "out of you mind/space" as was stated. Sometimes it is just not that easy. I am doing good with not trying to manipulate things to get my way, but I am having a hard time truly letting go and moving it away from me emotionally. Hang in there - we can do this and find peace the happiness and happiness we deserve!

outtolunch

Have you, really?

Here are things you might do if you really want him out:

Donate his stuff to GoodWill or Salvation Army.

Stop reading his text messages.

Stop listening to his VM.

Change your number.

Refuse to turn any contact that might "slip through" into a drama.

Cease pretending that you can read his mind or know how he is feeling or his intentions. It no longer matters.

Stop rationalizing.

These are the things you control and will stop the drama and chaos.

The rest is outside your hula hoop.

outtolunch

Some people are addicted to substances.

Some people are addicted to the chaos and drama of someone else's addiction.

Getting someone out of your space/life is easy. Stop procrastinating, wishing, hoping, rationalizing, giving ultimatums and just do it. That the aGF continues to maintain a place in your heart, is OK. You are human.

Learn2Live

outtolunch, Thanks so much. Your list is very helpful. I especially appreciate:

That is so true. I talk about how much drama he creates but in fact it's my reactions that are the drama!

Are you serious? You mean I CAN'T read minds? LOL

Would you please point out some of my Rationalizations from my posts? I read my posts over and was able to identify some things, like my Reactions, how my Alcoholism plays a part in my behaviors (I'm in Recovery), and my Boundary issues, but was not able to identify Rationalizations. Thanks for any feedback you can provide.

Thank you for putting it that way for me. That makes sense.