BBLove

Hello all. I am new here and a little nervous. As with most, my story is a long one and I dont want to bore you with all the details. Basically, my H was a frequent cocaine user. I use the term "was" loosely, and for that I feel guilty. We went through approx 2 years of lies, fights, and everything that goes along with it. The last time he used was New Years. I caught him red handed and he admitted it. He assures me that he is no longer using, a story that as I'm sure most of you know, I have heard too many times to count. My issue is that I am having a horrible time believing him. He works away and is gone for 26 days of every month, sometimes more. That obviously complicates things. I look back at everything that has happened and tell myself that if I had proof of him using one more time, I would be gone. Sadly, sometimes I wish he just would. I guess the bottom line is I am feeling guilty. Why cant I trust him? I feel like a horrible person for second guessing him. Its quite clear that I hold alot of resentment towards him. For what he did to me and our picture perfect family. And to be perfectly honest I'm not convinced that I love him as much as I should anymore. We are high school sweethearts, and I would never have guessed I would ever feel this way. Why cant I get past this and trust him again. The last time I questioned him, he completely lost it. Made me look and feel like a complete bitch. Told me that he was sick and tired of trying to prove himself to me and was not going to live with this hanging over his head for the rest of his life, and if I cant let go of it, then maybe I should move on. That terrified me, and I caved and apologized up and down. What a loser! Whats wrong with me? How do I forgive?

IPT

Okay, I am far from an expert and struggling with learning quite a few things myself...however, that seems like addict manipulation to me. He is aware of your concerns, what is he doing to help you with them? Trust once lost is hard to earn back. It takes commitment, and if he has lost your trust for a legitamet reason I would think he would be willing to make some effort to rebuild it. JMO of course and others here with more wisdom may think differently than I. I understand your frustration though!

BTW - just saw this was your first post. If you have not read thru the "stickies" at the top of the page here and in the Fam and Friend of Alchoholics section I advise you to do that. It really helped me get a better understanding of not only my issues, but what I was dealing with as well.

MsPINKAcres

((BBlove))

Welcome to our SR Family

Congrats to you for seeking help in dealing with the way you have been affected by another person's addiction. You are a brave person to do that.

In my understanding of healing of a relationship that has been damaged by broken trust, especially thru lies, manipulation and addiction - it takes time - lots and lots of time. It also takes both parties - working together - usually thru each person working in programs of recovery.

Also, I have learned for me - I have to base my decisions on a person's actions not their words or intentions. And it is perfectly ok for me to communicate that with them in a respectful manner - such as "I'm sure you have every intention of staying sober but it is in my best interest to base my decisions on your actions."

That is just what recovery has given me.

I agree with the suggestions about reading the stickys - maybe try some AL-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, read some recovery literature, and please keep in touch with us!!

Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - YOU deserve them!!!
HUGS,
Rita

jerect

Welcome...

He is manipulating you... that is a classic addict behavior to get you to take responsiblity for his actions... Girl, stop falling for that crap and please do not apologize to him anymore like that either.. I used to do the same thing with my AH.. I would say I'm sorry over and over and beg him to stay... arrggg when really it should have been the other way around.

The best thing to do is not argue with him, question him, nag him or go snooping through his stuff.. I know it sounds cliche but when you argue with him and question him all you get is the response he gave you in your post.. you cannot reason with an addict in active addiction.. it's like trying to reason with a tree.. in fact you would probably have better results reasoning with a tree because they at least do not argue back..

Forgivness is for yourself... forgivness means being able to let go of something so that it is not eating you alive anymore, releasing it to your HP and letting him take care of it.. Forgiveness is not justifing what the other person has done nor does it ever mean that they are off the hook.. you can forgive but you don't have to forget.

As for trust, unfortunatly that is the first thing to go and the last thing to come back if it ever comes back. Do not feel guilty about not trusting him.. you shouldent..

Two more things.. pick you up a copy of codependent no more and read that book from cover to cover.. it will help you set some boundaries for yourself and learn to not feel guilty over your AH's behavior.

Second, get yourself to an alanon or naranon meeting immediatly.. you need the support of face to face meetings...

and of course keep posting here.... oops I guess that is three things..

sunnigirl

Sweetie - it's not you, you're not crazy or to blame for the feelings you're having, he's not helping you trust him if his response is so aggressive and full of blame, quite the opposite. keep reading, as I am, and I hope you will find it helpful. We're both pretty new to this ... so I know what it feels like, keep reading, keep posting.

wuzzled

I so agree with this, forgiveness is for myself. The addict has to forgive himself, and will probably have a much more difficult time forgiving himself for what they have done because of their addiction.

I don't trust my RAH and in no way do I feel guilty for it. He destroyed the trust, and he will have to earn it back. His actions, not words, is what will help him regain my trust. . . . . . . someday, and it will take him a long time. I guess I look at actions as the same thing as "prove" himself. I don't question him, I watch his actions. They tell me far more that any words he could ever say.

I go to Al-Anon and it helps me in so many ways, ways I never thought possible. I highly recommend it. I believe things would be a lot different at this moment without Al-Anon. Find a meeting and do something for yourself, put the focus on YOU, not him.

BBLove

Wow.....everyone here is so awesome! Why cant I be as smart as you all are!! I also feel that he needs to prove himself to me, but what is ironic is those were the words he used the last time we argued over this. He doesnt feel that he should have to "prove himself" over and over again. The thing is... I'm still waiting for it to happen at all!! And I think thats because I dont trust him.What a vicious circle!

Learn2Live

From my experience it is very difficult for them to rebuild that trust. You can forgive and try to forget, but my body NEVER forgets and that's why when I see or hear certain things, my heart starts racing and my stomach starts hurting --STRESS, anxiety, panic.

jerect

Expectations are future resentments... do not expect anything from your AH.. do not expect explanations. apologies, honesty and certainly the day where he will prove himself to you... He has already proven himself to you buy using, lying and manipulating you...

Keep posting here BBlove, there is a lot of knowledge and support here..