sunnigirl

Flash back almost a year ago - I found out my husband was using heroin, something he had been clean from for five years before I met him, and about three years since we got together - we've now been together five years. Last summer when I found out, I confronted him and told him that I knew he was using and that while I would help him to get off of it, I wouldn't help him to stay on it. After a month and a bit of false starts, trying to go cold turkey, he returned to the clinic he attended before and went back on methadone. He's worked himself down from a dose of 25 ml to 20 ml. Several times I suspected that he was taking heroin holidays, now I am almost certain, and I hate it. I hate it because I know the fights are coming again (as a general rule, we don't fight and have a loving relationship). But in my mind, his drug use is about deception, deceit, and it makes it so hard for me to trust him, believe him, and ultimately, I start to visualize that I will be okay without him, but I love him still. It stinks. Oh god, please give me the strength to go through with this again. My daughter, his step daughter, loves him like he is her dad and it's going to tear at her. She doesn't know that he is using again, although I did talk to her last summer about it because there was so much fighting going on. Anyone, offer some words of strength and wisdom? Thanks.

jerect

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are at and it's no fun.. The best thing that I did for me was to detatch and work on my own sanity.

As messed up as this sounds.. You can't help him stop.. he is the only person in this whole wide world that can do that.. when he is good and ready he will stop and not a minute before.. you can help him by setting boundaries for yourself and doing whatever it takes not to enable him.. the enabling part is hard because sometimes even now I get confused on where the line is between being a caring and supportive spouse and being an enabler....

good luck to you and please keep posting here.. there are much more wiser and experianced folks then me that will have more to say..

sunnigirl

while you are right, only he can stop, I have no solid feeling about what I can do that is supportive to him, but not to his addiction.
He says I don't understand about addiction - he's right, I don't. Nobody pins him down and force feeds him the stuff, it is his choice, right? So I just don't get it. and I am not trying to simplify it, and I'm not stupid, I just don't understand.

Abundance

Hi... Welcome to S.R. ... although I'm sorry you are here, at the same time- but it's good that you are here - because this is where you will find much love and support.

I said the same thing....... I will support you in recovery, but not in addiction. I surrendered to not being able to cause his using or not using, cure his addiction, control him to be someone other than what he is, or control him using or not - He is an addict. That was the first step for me - recognizing that he is a Text Book Addict. There is even a "Addict Handbook"!

I also learned that I actually had a role in it. Even though he was the one with the "problem" - I realized that there must be something wrong with me! I mean - who in their right mind - would put up with this? And that is when I really began my own recovery.

When my guy went to rehab for an opiate addiction, I started to go to Al-anon meetings.

I also learned everything there is to know about opiates... and the science behind the addiction.

But the biggest lesson is that it is up to him to want to not use it any more.... to not run away from his problems any more - to face himself without having to self-medicate. I knew ... -he's smart- - why doesn't he?

Again - I'm so sorry you are going through this. Read the stickies.... post - share - ask questions..... this board is full of experience, strength, and hope.

peace xoxo

Abundance

Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease. Hate the disease, but not the person. It messes up the brain!!! So- addicts can't even begin to understand - their brain isn't working on all 8 cylinders.

So - as for you being supportive. Well - there is a remedy. And that remedy totally sucks, but it's the one that has the highest odds of working!

Loved ones can not enable the addiction - whatsoever. Boundaries are drawn and are stuck by. It's the hardest thing to do - but it's also the best thing for everyone to do... all parties - and most definitely for the addict. However, the closer they hit their bottom..... by all their resources that enable them to use - are taken away. There is truth in "love someone to death" - our love will not heal addiction.
During the time of detaching, it's important for the loved ones, to also do healing because it's a very hard thing to do. To no longer show your love the way you only know how to love. At first it can feel like we are being cruel to be kind. So - that is why we take self-care during this time.

Up above in this forum are some "stickies" - threads that have good information re: how to support/help someone you love that has addiction.

sunnigirl

Thanks for replying - I have read some of your posts yesterday and today, and it was helpful to bring me back to posting myself.

Now I know this is going to sound far fetched, but from the outside or on the surface, not much is wrong with our relationship other than his addiction (yes I know... there's a contradiction in that). He works, he deposits his paycheck to help with expenses, he is loving and attentive, is definitely a neat and tidy guy, has his own interests and supports me in mine, loves his son dearly, and is mostly a responsible guy. What he does do is lose track of time (comes home in three hours rather than the one and a half he says he will be away), he hides his addictive behaviours as much as he can, he therefore decieves me and deals in deception. He spends money on his addiction that I resent, although he works for it.
We look like the happy couple, if I could just ignore it, then it would continue to look this way, but I can't. I feel a little sick. We will be alone this evening (no kids) and I am trying to work up the nerve to tell him I know he's using again. yuck

sunnigirl

I feel like I'm trying to walk through mud - wish me luck.

Abundance

I call it the "fog of addiction".

It's dark and heavy.

I was battling with having the "grass is greener" approach to things (splitting up) - but then I reminded myself that I'm not exactly trading "green for green" - that on this side of the fence - the grass is brown... heck - it's not even grass ! I'm standing in manure!


Wishing you much luck.......

sunnigirl

yes - that's very accurate... the fog of addiction.

So, boundaries, kick him out? he does have somewhere else he can go. buy test kits? That implies a willingness on his part to take them.
gack

jerect

You don't have to kick him out. In fact I would not make any big decisions like that for at least a year unless your life or your childs life is in immediate danger.

First thing you should do is get yourself to an alanon or naranon meeting. Being around other people like yourself who are going through these same things is very supportive and very helpful.

For me, Acceptance was the biggest key in my detatchment and boundary setting. I had to accept the things that I could not change and change the things I could.. I cannot change the fact that my AH is a drug addict and that he lies and steals to get his fix.. I had to learn to not make that my problem. I must allow whatever consequences that happen as a result of his drug use to happen.. whether that be an arrest for possession, a job loss, friends and family avoiding him etc.. when these things happen, no matter how much I want to put my hands in them and fix things I must step back and let him deal with them.. it's the only way he can hit his bottom because if I or his mom or anyone else continue to bail him out and fix his problems he will continue to use drugs with no consequences at all..

As for boundaries, you have to decide what is acceptable to you and unacceptable to you.. they are rules for you and not your addict cause trust me he could care less about your rules lol.

Keep reading and posting, it's a lot to take in at once.

sunnigirl

I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to bring it up last night, so we spent the evening mostly in silence. A consequence for me when things are not going well is to withdraw into myself, communicate less and just go through the motions of doing what needs to be done. not really satisfactory. His son is coming over for a few days so everything is on hold. His son doesn't know about his previous addiction, and certainly nothing about what is presently happening, so for now, I won't be going down that path. His family (sisters, mom and dad) did know about his problems before, as they underwent some family type counselling when he went to rehab, but they think he's cured. I don't know what if anything to do about telling them either, as it will be a big shock and disappointment. Last summer I did not tell any of them, it didn't help him recover though did it?

jerect

Actually you did the right thing by not bringing it up.. trust me when you do that all you get is an argument, some lies and it just leaves you feeling worse..

However, the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself.. I have a tendency to do that as well and it's not a very healthy thing for me to do..

Find you a meeting.. it will be the best thing that you can do for yourself and him..

sunnigirl

it's so frustrating. I feel like I am waiting because of other things (his son coming over for a few days) instead of actully doing something that moves my life forward.

Abundance

.......


Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

Jerect is right about the al-anon meetings. You don't have to say speak / say anything. It's totally anonymous - and you get so many tools to help you deal with this.

Even though it's not alcohol that is the concern - al-anon - addresses the same co-dependent behavior.

Can you just observe him right now? Does his family sense anything different? Especially after staying with you.

thinking of you ........

sunnigirl

you see, I have waited a year, to see if he was serious about his recovery. serveral times I suspected he might be using the methadone in the shared space, that I knew he was going to get his prescription, but using heroin privately. He was , and he is, but not daily because the methadone takes care of his worst withdrawal symptoms. Now I feel that to continue to do nothing - we haven't spoken about his using since November and he denied it them - but to continue to do nothing is becoming less of a choice. I keep thinking about how I would explain to my kids 21, 18 15 why I stayed with him or allowed him to stay in our family home when I knew he was still using. How could I if it were one of my kids, counsel them to do the same if ever they found themselves in such a situation?

Freedom1990

That sheds a whole new light on things, doesn't it? My youngest daughter was 11 when my ex-fiance walked out on us.

For the first time in my entire life, in spite of being in recovery from alcoholism/addictions for 9 years at the time, I finally saw the pain that my choices had brought upon my daughter.

Up until that point, it had always been about me and my pain.

That was when I finally made a firm commitment to myself to start the hard work of looking at my codependency and start healing.

My youngest is now 21, and seems to make some pretty poor choices in relationships. It wouldn't do me much good to offer my concerns if I were still settling for less in my life and sticking with unhealthy men, would it?

I sincerely hope you find peace of mind and a quiet heart in your journey. :ghug2 :ghug2

sunnigirl

yes - fact is also that having my daughter know the he is using again or still is going to hurt her a whole lot.
she loves him, thinks of him as her parent. She is the 15 year old . her brothers who are both older live away from home and are at college/university.

liesagain

My two kids are now both "adults" one is 20 and one is 18, my stepson is 13(his mother is an active addict Not willing to get treatment ``in the streets crack addict) and his father is in his 5th episode of drug treatment in the last 3 1/2 years!!

and from my experience I can tell to you that they begin to really resent the relapsing
the 20 year old wont speak to her step father/my AH she is hurt and let down......Shes away at university....shes never seen him use only gets told about it after a relapse (which are only a day or two long before he returns to treatment) and he's never done anything that would hurt her EXCEPT he smokes CRACK every........6 or 7 months
NONE of us have ever seen him use, he leaves the house to go to work or an NA meeting or even a ballgame and doesnt return....his cell is off and hes smoking crack!

My 18 year old says.....this is his last chance if he does it again I'm DONE with him too.

Not only are they disappointed in him, they become disappointed in me that I stayed.....

My 20 year old daughter said, "mom leave his sorry butt and move on with your life while your still young and cute enough to do it"
(funny girl that I have)


and a little background............my addict was clean 10 years..relapsed 3 1/2 years ago and the longest hes stayed clean since that time is about 7 months.

like your addict, we look great on the outside...........but we are not great. he is an addict who is willing to keep seeking help ( grateful for that part) but does not manage to stay clean for more than 6-7 months. and the affects on our family are there

My daughter also said............."mom, can't you see that he's never going to make it, he's never going to stop! He will use again, maybe not today but he will do it again.........so just leave."

My heart goes out to you, I know how difficult this is but you should try to remember.......you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it.
Even when an addict wants to get better, sometimes they don't..........
its an inside job for him and only he knows what its gonna take to get and stay clean..............your job is to look at you and your children and do whats best for you

I can't say i've done whats best for my kids, because clearly they wish I would leave, not because they dont love him rather because they DO love me.

sunnigirl

it's like reading my life a few years from now - I thought my life was so out of the ordinary. sad to find out that it's not out of the ordinary at all. THANK you for being so open and honest and giving of your experiences. I just didn't know how to relate to some of the really terrible things I have read, my experiences have seemed so tame. but it still huts, still has implications, and still is what it is, no sugar coating needed. so, why do you stay? What would make you go, or get him to leave, does his frequent trips to rehab give you enough time to regroup? I know I love my man, just not his addiction, so I do understand.

liesagain

Why do I stay, thats such a tough question to answer.
Of course I love him but really love is never enough.

Well I guess a few things, one I knew he was an addict when I married him. He was a Clean addict and I thought he'd never use again, I was wrong. He doesnt drink he doesn't go out he works hard and provides for his family hes an all around good guy........

.but hes an addict who when the urge hits him has YET to learn not to follow it, and hes yet to learn he really cannot control his addiction..........I guess as they say in the program (12 steps) he has reservations, and hes still as sick as his secrets. Because despite all the treatment and such he doesnt reach out for help, when he has using dreams or days of using thoughts......he lies to himself and everyone else thats hes FINE. But he isnt because he ends up using. Maybe because he still wants to use, I dont know but I will never know thats for him to figure out.


From day one, the first time he used again after the 10 years clean, he's been doing all that he can not to use...EXCEPT telling people whats going on in his head...............right up to the time he uses.

that sounds like a contradiction .....

let me explain that a bit further, he knows hes an addict, he goes to meetings heck he's chaired/lead meetings, he has been in therapy, he's been to addiction doctors hes been to treatment and hes been in 1/2 way house...........

Hes made progress, I have seen many changes in him as a person good changes and he's never given up trying to get help,

of course the help started off with one thing....like therapy and/or meetings then progressed to treatment

the first treatment center he was there less than a week got kicked out for spitting some medicine in the trash, then went straight from there to a 30 day program transitioned to 1/2 way house and relapsed...........

came home tried other things like he went to a out patient program..........and meetings and therapy and 12 steps and sponsor made it many months

relapsed again, this time went to 4 month program and came home continued outpatient for months then relapsed while home so he went to

a program was there 3 months and used there in the program and got transferred to the place hes at now which is for 10 months ...........no leaving at all for the whole 10 months.....

Essentially this last episode .....
he has been gone again for about 4 months at this point and will be gone for at least 9 more months......

So basically I guess i feel like he hasnt given up and that makes it difficult for me to give up on him yet.

I use to think that he would just quit trying to get clean If I left, but I have come to accept that though he may use for a longer period before trying again.........he isnt trying for me. Addicts are selfish in most of their behaviors, he doesnt keep trying to get clean for me, I believe he wants to get clean because he in his mind thinks he wants the crack until hes done it, and he doesnt want the life that crack brings but he cant let it go either....so its the staying clean part that hes struggling with.

BUT, I have learned ALOT in this process about me, and some of the reasons I stay are internal me issues like codependency that I need to work on.

I have learned that I have a need to fix people(I'm a nurse too who would guess, since we are the picture of caretakers)

I have learned that I in many ways helped him keep using by picking up peices and holding things together..........SO I have learned to say NO!
For instance I don't live with the fear that I did in the beginning, when he used in treatment the director called me and told me about the new place and my husband said it would be about 4 days before he could get in COULD HE COME HOME UNTIL THEN? I said NO! he told me, if you dont let me come home my only option is the homeless shelter I said Fine go there and if your still there in 4 days I will come get you and take you to the new place, if your not there dont bother calling me...........( this was 2 hours away from where we live)
In the past I would have rushed to his rescue scared hed leave and keep using or kill himself or whatever............but I said No and at the end of 4 days he was still there.....

This wasnt the first time I said no I have before but this time I said no, and I didnt worry about the outcome.....I was finally willing to accept whatever happened I've said no you cant come home, go to treatment, but still talked to him or checked on him until hed get in and then step in to make sure everything was good for him, bring cigarettes and money etc etc
thats whats different in ME this time.

I have said before "this is the last time" yet I never got to the place where I leave, but life is changing and I am changing and when he went into this program they asked me to be involved with weekly marriage/addiction therapy, I told the director........I will (everyother week because I work) BUT the only reason I am willing is because I am at the end of the line, I am ready to leave if he doesnt complete the program or if he uses, this is it for us either he makes it or I have to leave for ME. And I mean that with all my heart so for now I take it day by day work on me, pray for him and remember I have done all that I can the rest of this is up to him and God.

I have learned that his addiction is his to deal with but my life and my damage from it all is mine to work on, and you know those classes help me too........and if i do leave I need to be "better" just as I keep wanting and waiting for him to be better..........so i have a responsibility to myself to work on me, and this program hes in is actually giving me that time.

Because there are no phone calls.........all the other times i wasnt living my life i was waiting for phone calls, listening to his voice to see if I could tell if he was ok etc etc
but where he is now there are no phone calls he doesnt get to leave there and I only go for one night everyother weekend.............

so I feel like, this separation allows me to work on me and in a sense forces me to begin to let go and let him and God deal with him..............

SORRY SO LONG,