Control or Boundaries?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Control or Boundaries?
A reading from Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope in Nar-Anon . . .
July 21
CONTROL OR BOUNDARIES
When I have a difficult time distinguishing between my unhealthy, controlling behavior and the healthy behavior of setting boundaries, I look at my feelings and motives about what I am doing.
Who am I focusing on? Whose behavior am I trying to change – mine or someone else’s? I become controlling when my actions are motivated by fear. If I fear what will happen in my absence and therefore do not take a trip or go to a show with my friends, I am trying to control. I have lost focus if I allow others to control me simply to win their favor. I am trying to control if I set up ultimatums and threats that I have no intention of following through on. In Nar-Anon, I have learned that the idea of controlling someone is an illusion.
So what are boundaries? Boundaries are healthy, personal limits I set for myself. It is important to set boundaries I can live with. When I set a boundary and do not keep it, I risk diminishing my self- esteem and lessening my credibility with others. Boundaries should be a reflection of healthy self-love. When I set my limits, I make a decision about what I will and will not accept. In this process, I decide ahead of time what my actions should be. Then when faced with a difficult situation, I already know how I want to behave. A personal boundary is for me only. Boundaries are healthy, loving limits I set for myself.
Thought for Today: I will set limits for myself because they are good for me and help me be the person I want to be.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the Wisdom to know it’s me.” ~Anonymous
July 21
CONTROL OR BOUNDARIES
When I have a difficult time distinguishing between my unhealthy, controlling behavior and the healthy behavior of setting boundaries, I look at my feelings and motives about what I am doing.
Who am I focusing on? Whose behavior am I trying to change – mine or someone else’s? I become controlling when my actions are motivated by fear. If I fear what will happen in my absence and therefore do not take a trip or go to a show with my friends, I am trying to control. I have lost focus if I allow others to control me simply to win their favor. I am trying to control if I set up ultimatums and threats that I have no intention of following through on. In Nar-Anon, I have learned that the idea of controlling someone is an illusion.
So what are boundaries? Boundaries are healthy, personal limits I set for myself. It is important to set boundaries I can live with. When I set a boundary and do not keep it, I risk diminishing my self- esteem and lessening my credibility with others. Boundaries should be a reflection of healthy self-love. When I set my limits, I make a decision about what I will and will not accept. In this process, I decide ahead of time what my actions should be. Then when faced with a difficult situation, I already know how I want to behave. A personal boundary is for me only. Boundaries are healthy, loving limits I set for myself.
Thought for Today: I will set limits for myself because they are good for me and help me be the person I want to be.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the Wisdom to know it’s me.” ~Anonymous
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
This can still be a difficult thing for me to BALANCE.
I hear those voices in Ritaville saying - "Well if I do this then maybe this will happen . . . "
That's not a good thing!! lol
So then I take that mental recovery check list out -
what I am "fearing, controlling or trying to manipulate"?
Remind myself that my God would definitely do a better job of handling it, give it to HIM and the determine if I need to set a few healthy boundaries and then attempt to return to my sane, safe and drama free life.
Praying this reminder helps you as much as it helped me today!!
HUGS,
Rita
I hear those voices in Ritaville saying - "Well if I do this then maybe this will happen . . . "
That's not a good thing!! lol
So then I take that mental recovery check list out -
what I am "fearing, controlling or trying to manipulate"?
Remind myself that my God would definitely do a better job of handling it, give it to HIM and the determine if I need to set a few healthy boundaries and then attempt to return to my sane, safe and drama free life.
Praying this reminder helps you as much as it helped me today!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The problem I continue to have with boundaries are consequences relating to business. I'm doing pretty good with my personal life, though the two intersect occasionally and sometimes it's flat out overwhelming.
Change is hard for some people and not everyone accept/respect my 'new' boundaries. I've allowed myself to be disrespected for too long so it's no surprise I've faced a lot of provocation lately. I end up with two choices: fight or flight. I am learning that walking away isn't always the appropriate answer just as fighting isn't.
What I'm learning is to strengthen my spine. It used to be strong as steel but I got lazy. My challenge is to not overdue it while I'm regaining strength, and it's very much a delicate balancing act.
Change is hard for some people and not everyone accept/respect my 'new' boundaries. I've allowed myself to be disrespected for too long so it's no surprise I've faced a lot of provocation lately. I end up with two choices: fight or flight. I am learning that walking away isn't always the appropriate answer just as fighting isn't.
What I'm learning is to strengthen my spine. It used to be strong as steel but I got lazy. My challenge is to not overdue it while I'm regaining strength, and it's very much a delicate balancing act.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
I think boundaries are a term that creates some sort of illusion. It is setting myself up to act and behave in a certain manner, expecting that something will show up, so that I can act a certain way.
It is some misguided attempt to control oneself and others in the future.
As long as I am going to practice a new skill, I choose to practice checking in with myself in the moment, and choosing actions that support me in the moment. I choose love and life in the moment, not down the road into the future.
I do not want to spend time "looking" for someone else to behave or show up a certain way....I want to set them free to show up perhaps in a new light!
Just my 2 cents plus 5
~Cheryl
It is some misguided attempt to control oneself and others in the future.
As long as I am going to practice a new skill, I choose to practice checking in with myself in the moment, and choosing actions that support me in the moment. I choose love and life in the moment, not down the road into the future.
I do not want to spend time "looking" for someone else to behave or show up a certain way....I want to set them free to show up perhaps in a new light!
Just my 2 cents plus 5
~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Thank you Japic for sharing this post. 
I've found that to not have boundaries invites chaos into my life- my boundaries are not set in stone to the point where I predict anything except to guard what is mine and make decisions that are for my benefit, safety & serenity.
The whole point of me setting a boundary gives me the option to not place the focus on someone or something else and I find that I enjoy the freedom that brings into my life. I'm so glad that I don't have to depend on what happens to or because of someone else in order to live my life to the fullest.
Who am I focusing on? Whose behavior am I trying to change – mine or someone else’s?
The whole point of me setting a boundary gives me the option to not place the focus on someone or something else and I find that I enjoy the freedom that brings into my life. I'm so glad that I don't have to depend on what happens to or because of someone else in order to live my life to the fullest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Boundaries. This is a really hard one for me. I have trouble setting boundaries I know I really want to set because I am so afraid I won't be able to follow through with it. So I just can't seem to bring myself to get there.
If I set a boundary and it is crossed, I don't know if I can actually do what I say. Do what I need to do.
I struggle with so many different things. Some days I feel really good, and then one day, I just don't do so well.
Living with a addict or recovering addict is so fricking complicated!
I have much work to do on my own recovery!
If I set a boundary and it is crossed, I don't know if I can actually do what I say. Do what I need to do.
I struggle with so many different things. Some days I feel really good, and then one day, I just don't do so well.
Living with a addict or recovering addict is so fricking complicated!
I have much work to do on my own recovery!
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