Never ending waiting for him to come home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Middle Village, NY
Posts: 48
Never ending waiting for him to come home.
So here I'm, it's after 11 p.m. I was reading today a lot of informations about boudaries, how to deal with husband who drinks etc. My head is loaded with informations and made a new plan for how to deal with the problem. Meanwhile my husband is gone. He's been gone four nights one week ago, two nights last week and it's Monday and he'd never showed up. I don't remember how many nights I've been waiting before. Lots and lots.Never calls to tell what he's doing, where and with whom. I don't know his friends. I'd have an emergency with one of the children I'll have to ask some friends to help me. It goes on and on and on. I can't sleep when he's gone. I'm affraid in what mood/shape he's going to come back home and what's going to happen. He always comes home drunk. So here is nobody to talk to, confront, and I have nobody to present my new self in "living with alkoholic battle". How to make him just stay at home? How to start communication which doesn't exist anymore?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I don't have any answers for you. I am struggling with some issues myself. However, I can echo what I have heard from others here and that is to look after yourself and your own needs.
One thing I have learned, maybe not accepted, but I am close, is that you cannot change someone. I didn't think that I was trying to, just to make it right. In retrospect, after much learning I realize that I WAS trying to change someone. They have to want to do it on their own. I thought that trying to keep my AGF to stick to her words about wanting to change I was not controlling, but I have come to realize I was. Anyway, in taking care of yourself, setting boundaries as to what you will and will not accpet you change things for the better no matter what they end up doing. A favorite saying I learned is "nothing changes, if nothing changes".
If you have not read the stickies they have lots of information. Read here and in the Alchoholics section. I empathize with you srugles and the pain, frustration, and powerless you feel. Many others with more wisdom and experience will chime in soon I'm sure. This is a wonderful place for people like us who happen to be in not such wonderful situations. My love and support go out to you though.
One thing I have learned, maybe not accepted, but I am close, is that you cannot change someone. I didn't think that I was trying to, just to make it right. In retrospect, after much learning I realize that I WAS trying to change someone. They have to want to do it on their own. I thought that trying to keep my AGF to stick to her words about wanting to change I was not controlling, but I have come to realize I was. Anyway, in taking care of yourself, setting boundaries as to what you will and will not accpet you change things for the better no matter what they end up doing. A favorite saying I learned is "nothing changes, if nothing changes".
If you have not read the stickies they have lots of information. Read here and in the Alchoholics section. I empathize with you srugles and the pain, frustration, and powerless you feel. Many others with more wisdom and experience will chime in soon I'm sure. This is a wonderful place for people like us who happen to be in not such wonderful situations. My love and support go out to you though.
Last edited by IPT; 07-20-2009 at 09:42 PM.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Welcome to SR, swert. I hope that you'll keep coming back as often as possible. I think that IPT is right about you reading the Stickies at the top of the page and there will be others with alot of experience come here to support you.
I've personally found that the best thing that you can do is to get involved in Alanon or Naranon meetings and stay busy with all that makes you personally happy and all that you enjoy doing, no matter how small a project it might be. Completely focus on yourself & stay very busy. Let him deal with his issues because you can't change a thing where he's concerned and it's just destructive to you and your life, to even try.
I've personally found that the best thing that you can do is to get involved in Alanon or Naranon meetings and stay busy with all that makes you personally happy and all that you enjoy doing, no matter how small a project it might be. Completely focus on yourself & stay very busy. Let him deal with his issues because you can't change a thing where he's concerned and it's just destructive to you and your life, to even try.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Swert,
Welcome to our virtual family / support group. I found this site several weeks ago and wish I had found it a year ago. There is an enormous amount of knowledge and wisdom to be found here, but most importantly a group of people who do "get" what you are going through.
The stories of the friends and families of addicts / alcoholics are frightenly similar.
This was exactly what my AGF used to do... and I did have cause for concern... 2 DUI's, one totaled car, and one time ran out of gas, driving on a country road 40 miles from home... completely lost at 3am.
Thankfully, no one was killed or injured.
I have come to learn 3 things:
1. It is absolutely impossible to "win" a confrontation about behavior with an active alcoholic / addict. When I confronted my AGF about getting a DUI and totalling the car, her response was "The car I hit was parked too far from the curb." When I pointed out that her car hit the curbside of the parked car and her car ended up on the lawn, her repsonse was, "I was swerving to avoid the car." At that point, I just walked away.
Facts and reality do not enter into the brain of the active addict / alcoholic. Einstein couldn't reason with my AGF.
2. There is NOTHING that any of us can do to MAKE our loved one stop drinking or using. It was a bitter pill to swallow. The addict / alcoholic has to want to change more than anything in the world.
3. Perhaps the most self-protective thing... and ultimately the best thing for the alcoholic we need to stop "rescuing" them... and start setting and defending boundaries. We need to protect ourselves and care for ourselves, while allowing the alcoholic / addict to experience the real consquences of their actions.
Welcome to our virtual family / support group. I found this site several weeks ago and wish I had found it a year ago. There is an enormous amount of knowledge and wisdom to be found here, but most importantly a group of people who do "get" what you are going through.
The stories of the friends and families of addicts / alcoholics are frightenly similar.
Originally Posted by swert 
I don't remember how many nights I've been waiting before. Lots and lots.Never calls to tell what he's doing, where and with whom.
Thankfully, no one was killed or injured.
Originally Posted by swert
So here is nobody to talk to, confront, and I have nobody to present my new self in "living with alkoholic battle". How to make him just stay at home? How to start communication which doesn't exist anymore?
1. It is absolutely impossible to "win" a confrontation about behavior with an active alcoholic / addict. When I confronted my AGF about getting a DUI and totalling the car, her response was "The car I hit was parked too far from the curb." When I pointed out that her car hit the curbside of the parked car and her car ended up on the lawn, her repsonse was, "I was swerving to avoid the car." At that point, I just walked away.
Facts and reality do not enter into the brain of the active addict / alcoholic. Einstein couldn't reason with my AGF.
2. There is NOTHING that any of us can do to MAKE our loved one stop drinking or using. It was a bitter pill to swallow. The addict / alcoholic has to want to change more than anything in the world.
3. Perhaps the most self-protective thing... and ultimately the best thing for the alcoholic we need to stop "rescuing" them... and start setting and defending boundaries. We need to protect ourselves and care for ourselves, while allowing the alcoholic / addict to experience the real consquences of their actions.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((swert))
Oh do I remember those nites and days of just wondering!!!
That is a frustrating and painful place to be - I hate that you are living that miserable life.
But I am SO glad that you are reaching out for help - SR is an awesome resource for recovery for YOU - so is Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, recovery literature, prayer, mediation, etc.
I hope that you will seek what is best for you - in order that you may live Happy, Joyous and Free - you deserve that!!
Wishing you a better nite tonite!
Rita
Oh do I remember those nites and days of just wondering!!!
That is a frustrating and painful place to be - I hate that you are living that miserable life.
But I am SO glad that you are reaching out for help - SR is an awesome resource for recovery for YOU - so is Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, recovery literature, prayer, mediation, etc.
I hope that you will seek what is best for you - in order that you may live Happy, Joyous and Free - you deserve that!!
Wishing you a better nite tonite!
Rita
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