suspect sister of drug abuse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
suspect sister of drug abuse
hi,
i and the rest of my family and many friends suspect that my sister is abusing prescription medication (or worse). we are all at a loss of what to do, and i'm hoping that some people on this forum have some advice.
we know that she has had access to prescription medications in the past -- she has a history of migraine headaches and had a doctor a few years ago that was prescribing her very strong painkillers -- percocet, vicodin, and something stronger the name of which i cannot remember. these days, she'll admit to getting a percocet prescription filled every so often, but she claims "they don't do anything to me" or "i don't take them" (she then claims she gives them away).
however, we all notice the following behavior: droopy eyelids, nodding off at inappropriate times (like while she's in the middle of actively doing something), slurring her speech. when she nods off she sometimes does this thing where she looks like she's dreaming or visualizing something, and she will even sometimes begin to reach for something in the wrong direction while her eyes are still closed. i have taken percocet in the past, and i identify these behaviors with things i have felt while on percocet.
but when i point out her behavior and ask if she's taken anything, she always denies it. she denies that she's taken anything, and she says she's not aware that she's acting strangely. this is a dead end.
this comes in waves. she'll be totally lucid and normal for weeks at a time, and then suddenly she starts acting strangely again and it will last for a few days or even more than a week.
when we press her about her behavior she has a litany of excuses: her contacts are bothering her which is why her eyes are drooping; she's nodding off because she's been up since 5am and hasn't been sleeping well; she is depressed. while all of these things may be true, i don't think they explain the behavior i see.
i've started to more aggressively confront her about this, but i see that it is going nowhere and quite possibly becoming more damaging to the situation. i am considering an intervention, but since the abuse seems to be intermittent i wonder if that would be effective. also the intervention seems more difficult since she won't admit she's taking anything.
i've been reading some posts on here which tell loved ones that there is nothing they can do and they should not even try. so now i'm a little more confused than before!
we're all kind of at our wit's end about it. i really cannot understand how she can so obviously be high on something and flat out deny it!!
any thoughts or advice is very appreciated. the posts i have read already were very insightful, so thanks everyone!
i and the rest of my family and many friends suspect that my sister is abusing prescription medication (or worse). we are all at a loss of what to do, and i'm hoping that some people on this forum have some advice.
we know that she has had access to prescription medications in the past -- she has a history of migraine headaches and had a doctor a few years ago that was prescribing her very strong painkillers -- percocet, vicodin, and something stronger the name of which i cannot remember. these days, she'll admit to getting a percocet prescription filled every so often, but she claims "they don't do anything to me" or "i don't take them" (she then claims she gives them away).
however, we all notice the following behavior: droopy eyelids, nodding off at inappropriate times (like while she's in the middle of actively doing something), slurring her speech. when she nods off she sometimes does this thing where she looks like she's dreaming or visualizing something, and she will even sometimes begin to reach for something in the wrong direction while her eyes are still closed. i have taken percocet in the past, and i identify these behaviors with things i have felt while on percocet.
but when i point out her behavior and ask if she's taken anything, she always denies it. she denies that she's taken anything, and she says she's not aware that she's acting strangely. this is a dead end.
this comes in waves. she'll be totally lucid and normal for weeks at a time, and then suddenly she starts acting strangely again and it will last for a few days or even more than a week.
when we press her about her behavior she has a litany of excuses: her contacts are bothering her which is why her eyes are drooping; she's nodding off because she's been up since 5am and hasn't been sleeping well; she is depressed. while all of these things may be true, i don't think they explain the behavior i see.
i've started to more aggressively confront her about this, but i see that it is going nowhere and quite possibly becoming more damaging to the situation. i am considering an intervention, but since the abuse seems to be intermittent i wonder if that would be effective. also the intervention seems more difficult since she won't admit she's taking anything.
i've been reading some posts on here which tell loved ones that there is nothing they can do and they should not even try. so now i'm a little more confused than before!
we're all kind of at our wit's end about it. i really cannot understand how she can so obviously be high on something and flat out deny it!!
any thoughts or advice is very appreciated. the posts i have read already were very insightful, so thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: OZ
Posts: 38
There will be others who will respond and give you better advice than I can. I wanted to tell you I am sorry you are all dealing with this. My husband is an addict (pills) and he even fell asleep in his Thanksgiving dinner plate and when I pulled his head up and it was dripping in gravy, he said "Oh its okay, I was just thinking"....addicts deny anything and everything. What is obvious to the world is not obvious to an addict. And if your sister is using - and it sounds like she is - there is not a thing you can do to stop her. Only she can stop herself.
Keep reading. I would have given anything to have known about this site many years ago. An education from those who know will help you on your journey.
Keep reading. I would have given anything to have known about this site many years ago. An education from those who know will help you on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
When an A (addict) is in denial, there is not much you can do to force them to admit they're using. You can catch them red-handed, and they will still deny it.
The best thing you can do is learn about addiction, allow the addict to suffer any consequences (don't enable) and focus on yourself. It's hard to do, as we do love our A's, but the more we focus on THEM, the more we tend to lose US.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When an A (addict) is in denial, there is not much you can do to force them to admit they're using. You can catch them red-handed, and they will still deny it.
The best thing you can do is learn about addiction, allow the addict to suffer any consequences (don't enable) and focus on yourself. It's hard to do, as we do love our A's, but the more we focus on THEM, the more we tend to lose US.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by RedTailHawk 
My husband is an addict (pills) and he even fell asleep in his Thanksgiving dinner plate and when I pulled his head up and it was dripping in gravy, he said "Oh its okay, I was just thinking"....addicts deny anything and everything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
My sis-in-law is a precscription pain killer addict. They are all narcotics, in the same drug family as Heroin and Opium. Does your sister ever drive with the child in the car when she's bombed like that? Actually there are things families can do to protect themselves and the child. My nephew is in foster care right now because CPS didnt think my brother was protecting him from my SIL's addiction. Including her driving around with him. Look up my previous posts to hear the whole story. Give them to boyfriend to read. The next time she's all droopy like that when the child is around, feel free to call CPS for a "safety check". ALso pls check out Nar-anon meetings in your area. Your boyfriend-in-law should go to some too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: OZ
Posts: 38
[QUOTE=sukha;2303237]i guess what i need to educate myself on is when does intervention become an appropriate action?
QUOTE]
No one can tell you when an intervention is "appropriate". Intervention has helped some; others it has not. For my AH, the more we "intervened" the worse it got and the more he used. I do believe in sitting down with her when she is not high and letting her know your concerns and letting her know your boundaries. The boyfriend in particular will need to set boundaries for himself and for their child! The boundary would be... if you do XXX, then I will do XXX. There is a great thread on this site about boundaries... Say what you mean; don't say it mean.
Understand that in all likelihood, she will promise you anything, she will say anything to make you believe that she is not using and that she is fine. She may say all the right things to get you off her back and she will go right on using. Your words are not going to make her stop using. Counting pills will not make her stop using. Hiding her pills will not make her stop using. Talking to doctors will not make her stop using. There is no action you can take - there are no words you can say to make her stop using.
As you will read in many of the threads here, you will need to be sure of the boudaries that are set and be ready to take action. I used to set boundaries and then my AH would - because it's what addicts do - distort and change all the wording until I thought I was crazy and the boundary was wrong!
It is easy to get lost in the world of addiction. What I encourage is for you and her bf to read here and understand how to keep yourself sane and her child safe. I agree with ventuhome - protecting that child is paramount. You can not stop her from using, but you can protect that child.
QUOTE]
No one can tell you when an intervention is "appropriate". Intervention has helped some; others it has not. For my AH, the more we "intervened" the worse it got and the more he used. I do believe in sitting down with her when she is not high and letting her know your concerns and letting her know your boundaries. The boyfriend in particular will need to set boundaries for himself and for their child! The boundary would be... if you do XXX, then I will do XXX. There is a great thread on this site about boundaries... Say what you mean; don't say it mean.
Understand that in all likelihood, she will promise you anything, she will say anything to make you believe that she is not using and that she is fine. She may say all the right things to get you off her back and she will go right on using. Your words are not going to make her stop using. Counting pills will not make her stop using. Hiding her pills will not make her stop using. Talking to doctors will not make her stop using. There is no action you can take - there are no words you can say to make her stop using.
As you will read in many of the threads here, you will need to be sure of the boudaries that are set and be ready to take action. I used to set boundaries and then my AH would - because it's what addicts do - distort and change all the wording until I thought I was crazy and the boundary was wrong!
It is easy to get lost in the world of addiction. What I encourage is for you and her bf to read here and understand how to keep yourself sane and her child safe. I agree with ventuhome - protecting that child is paramount. You can not stop her from using, but you can protect that child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
thank you for all of your advice! some evidence was found that let us know that the situation was more critical than we thought it was. we talked to a drug counselor and had an informal family intervention. all of your testaments about A denial, even in the face of what seems obvious, was extremely helpful to us.
i know that she may well have been giving us lip service about getting outpatient treatment, and even might get the treatment but still go on using. but i feel like we finally had a somewhat sane interaction which didn't consist only of accusations and denials.
i know that she may well have been giving us lip service about getting outpatient treatment, and even might get the treatment but still go on using. but i feel like we finally had a somewhat sane interaction which didn't consist only of accusations and denials.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Lancaster, NY
Posts: 10
I have a sister with a similar problem
Hi and I am so sorry you have to see your sister go through this. I have been going through it with my sister for about 6 years now. My family tried to have an informal intervention in the beginning and my sister ended up blaming us all and telling us that she was doing cocaine and pills because we weren't "helping her with her kids enough". Since then we have been to hell and back with her on and off.
Loving an addict is the hardest thing to deal with outside of a death of a loved one I think. You miss that person they were and feel so helpless when they decline help...its so sad. Then to top it off, how it hurts the kids is heartbreaking too. I am at a point with my sister now that I am sort of numb to her antics. This sounds bad, but in a way I hope she ends up in jail so that her kids can have a chance and a sober mom too.
You will have to go through it and then get to where you are at peace with whatever you have done. Naranon meetings are the best thing for me and this site is great too (just found it). One thing that struck me was when I went to a meeting one time and a kid told me that "I had to get myself better first." Being involved in an addicts life made me sick too.
Good luck and keep us posted on your intervention. It is sooo hard to go through all this I know, big hugs to you and your family, Paula
Loving an addict is the hardest thing to deal with outside of a death of a loved one I think. You miss that person they were and feel so helpless when they decline help...its so sad. Then to top it off, how it hurts the kids is heartbreaking too. I am at a point with my sister now that I am sort of numb to her antics. This sounds bad, but in a way I hope she ends up in jail so that her kids can have a chance and a sober mom too.
You will have to go through it and then get to where you are at peace with whatever you have done. Naranon meetings are the best thing for me and this site is great too (just found it). One thing that struck me was when I went to a meeting one time and a kid told me that "I had to get myself better first." Being involved in an addicts life made me sick too.
Good luck and keep us posted on your intervention. It is sooo hard to go through all this I know, big hugs to you and your family, Paula
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
'My family tried to have an informal intervention in the beginning and my sister ended up blaming us all and telling us that she was doing cocaine and pills because we weren't "helping her with her kids enough".'
Boy, does that sound familiar. A day and a half after our small intervention, my sister sent an email saying that she doesn't have a problem and will take care of herself. She then accused her boyfriend of not supporting her or their son (he takes care of the son two days a week so they only have to pay for two days of day care, and by my observations is a great father). She says that because of this she needs to numb herself (yet, insists she doesn't have a problem! the logic just kills me!).
At this point I am drawing some boundaries for myself, and I'm going to my first nar-anon meeting tonight. We have set a boundary with her that we won't let her be alone with her son, which of course she is already starting to challenge. I am wondering if there is anything I can/should do in terms of building some kind of official documentation of the situation, in the case that she tries to take some action against her boyfriend or us. If I see her when she is clearly high and around her son, even if there is another adult present, is it an option for me to call the police or child services and have them document it?
Boy, does that sound familiar. A day and a half after our small intervention, my sister sent an email saying that she doesn't have a problem and will take care of herself. She then accused her boyfriend of not supporting her or their son (he takes care of the son two days a week so they only have to pay for two days of day care, and by my observations is a great father). She says that because of this she needs to numb herself (yet, insists she doesn't have a problem! the logic just kills me!).
At this point I am drawing some boundaries for myself, and I'm going to my first nar-anon meeting tonight. We have set a boundary with her that we won't let her be alone with her son, which of course she is already starting to challenge. I am wondering if there is anything I can/should do in terms of building some kind of official documentation of the situation, in the case that she tries to take some action against her boyfriend or us. If I see her when she is clearly high and around her son, even if there is another adult present, is it an option for me to call the police or child services and have them document it?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Lancaster, NY
Posts: 10
Yes, it definitely is an option (I have personally called CPS on my sister several times)-but, beware because CPS needs tons of proof of neglect, such as empty cupboards, bruised and battered kids, ect: to ever really "do anything". Also, if you do call-it is likely that you will be cut out of your neice/nephew's life for a long time. That is what happened to me anyway.
You have going for you that dad is on board, that is really good for the child. I wish my nephew had that but both parents are drug abusers
It is so weird how they blame other people and can't see how their actions hurt others so much. Sometimes I still have conversations with my sister in my head where I convince her that what she is doing is terrible for her and her kids. But then I snap back to reality and realize that she would just get mad and cut me off if I had that conversation, which is what has happened in the past.
Let me know how your meeting went and keep me posted on your sister. The meeting that I have gone to is called "hope lives" and the people/information there is just incredible for your spirit during tough times.
You'll be in my prayers,
Paulaya
You have going for you that dad is on board, that is really good for the child. I wish my nephew had that but both parents are drug abusers
It is so weird how they blame other people and can't see how their actions hurt others so much. Sometimes I still have conversations with my sister in my head where I convince her that what she is doing is terrible for her and her kids. But then I snap back to reality and realize that she would just get mad and cut me off if I had that conversation, which is what has happened in the past.
Let me know how your meeting went and keep me posted on your sister. The meeting that I have gone to is called "hope lives" and the people/information there is just incredible for your spirit during tough times.
You'll be in my prayers,
Paulaya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
i think my purpose for calling the police or CPS would be not for them to take action but to have documentation in case things should get uglier in the future regarding their son. this is probably a better question for the police, but i wondered if it would be something they would even respond to in the case that another adult was present and responsible for the child.
the meeting was good! i think i did go there partially thinking that i could get advice about how to get my sister to bend to my will - *laughs uncomfortably*. but it became clear pretty quickly that it was more about solidarity and support in doing just the opposite: accepting the addiction. i really felt comfortable there and could see that it is doing great things for the members - i'll definitely go back.
it's interesting looking back because in a lot of ways my sister has been a perfect addict all her life. her behaviors of deflecting, turning around accusations, pushing boundaries, being oddly delusional about factual things (i.e. 'i went to bed at 8pm' when in my observation she went to bed at 11pm), and generally having thought processes that seem totally illogical to most other people (i've often thought a book entitled 'the world according to my sister' would be a hilarious read) are things that i can remember of her for as long as i can remember.
i worry about the rest of my family. i'm bracing myself for a lot of ups and downs. one thing i realized at the meeting is that this is really a new world for many people, when they discover a loved one has an addiction. i've at least been exposed to the world of substance use (thankfully never to the point of addiction), and i've seen a lot of friends go through many different experiences within that. i can't imagine trying to cope with accepting something that seemed so foreign to my life happening to a child or loved one.
with my family, it's another place where i have to let go of control. i can't control how my mother reacts to what is happening. i can be empathetic -- and at the same time completely frustrated -- to the fact that my mother wants to believe the best of her daughter: that she doesn't have a problem. at least i hope i can continue to be empathetic!
it's all such a mess!
the meeting was good! i think i did go there partially thinking that i could get advice about how to get my sister to bend to my will - *laughs uncomfortably*. but it became clear pretty quickly that it was more about solidarity and support in doing just the opposite: accepting the addiction. i really felt comfortable there and could see that it is doing great things for the members - i'll definitely go back.
it's interesting looking back because in a lot of ways my sister has been a perfect addict all her life. her behaviors of deflecting, turning around accusations, pushing boundaries, being oddly delusional about factual things (i.e. 'i went to bed at 8pm' when in my observation she went to bed at 11pm), and generally having thought processes that seem totally illogical to most other people (i've often thought a book entitled 'the world according to my sister' would be a hilarious read) are things that i can remember of her for as long as i can remember.
i worry about the rest of my family. i'm bracing myself for a lot of ups and downs. one thing i realized at the meeting is that this is really a new world for many people, when they discover a loved one has an addiction. i've at least been exposed to the world of substance use (thankfully never to the point of addiction), and i've seen a lot of friends go through many different experiences within that. i can't imagine trying to cope with accepting something that seemed so foreign to my life happening to a child or loved one.
with my family, it's another place where i have to let go of control. i can't control how my mother reacts to what is happening. i can be empathetic -- and at the same time completely frustrated -- to the fact that my mother wants to believe the best of her daughter: that she doesn't have a problem. at least i hope i can continue to be empathetic!
it's all such a mess!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Lancaster, NY
Posts: 10
Right-in my family I noticed that there tends to be (or has been in the past) a lot of controversy over how people handle the addict. Some are more "gullible for their antics" and some do more of the ignore and tough love thing. At times, I couldn't beleive that my family was being sucked into believing my sister. She sounds like yours, a con artist of sorts at times.
I heard some good news about my sister today actually. She kicked out her loser boyfriend (huge L on that- lol). She was doing really great before she met him. I don't know if anything will happen,ect: I definitely don't hold my breath that she will be back into a program anytime soon, but I do miss her and the thought of having the real her back is a nice one, even if it is short lived
Take care of you and keep me posted,
Paula
I heard some good news about my sister today actually. She kicked out her loser boyfriend (huge L on that- lol). She was doing really great before she met him. I don't know if anything will happen,ect: I definitely don't hold my breath that she will be back into a program anytime soon, but I do miss her and the thought of having the real her back is a nice one, even if it is short lived
Take care of you and keep me posted,
Paula
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
