Abundance

A week ago, today, I broke my left big toe! Went to the E.R. and was given a splint/cast and crutches! Spent the week at my BFF with my boys - and then we all came back here a few days ago. My house at one point had 8 children! It was AWESOME!

My BFF and family left this morning and the house is pretty quiet. This is when I don't do so well.

Anywho - I had the cast removed on Friday (today is Sunday) and I have a walkable shoe.

I have to do the timeline - write it out - so that I can read it when I start to have doubt and I'm missing my guy. It's going to be hard going over things in the past and then at the same time admitting to myself all of the sickness I allowed in my life.

My ex-guy was supposed to skype with the boys a couple of weeks ago -- but he panicked and couldn't do it. The boys were disappointed, as they were looking forward to it. Then - I broke my toe - and I sent him a text about it. I said "no more texts from you about your worries ... I now have a cast and am on crutches! lol j/k" ... well - he never responded. He did send me a text a few days later; however, saying "happy anniversary" - it would have been 3 years! I replied saying that it wasn't so "happy". No reply back... nothing since then.

Yesterday, was my son's 11th birthday - and there was no text, no phone call, no email... nothing.

I am obviously still wrapped up in him, because I find myself being "put off" because of the skype call that never happened, then his lack of care with me being on crutches, and now because he didn't wish my son a happy birthday!

When my toe broke - I was asking the Universe just "why... why now?" - I have no insurance... and financially I am already hurting - and now who knows the thousands it is going to cost for the ER visit, xrays, crutches, etc. So... a few things came to me -

1. Gone from dealing with a pain in the ass to a pain in the toe. HA! (not really)

2. To show me that I can count on my friends and that it's okay to ask for help.

3. To spend time with my BFF and family - and be submerged in a young, healthy, honest, loving, non-addicted, etc.. FAMILY. My bff's husband is an amazing father, husband, and SIL. She is an amazing mother, wife, and BFF!

4. To be reminded that he is still so self centered and absorbed to only care about *his* pain and not be concerned about things going on in *my* life. It's still all about him!


5. To be able to rest my body because I am going through some massive change right now.

NOW - I 'm home ... I still haven't checked the 'snail mail'. I'm worried about what I am going to find and what is also not going to be there.

Please tell me that these types of feelings will fade away, eventually.

Going to get the gumption to check.......

xoxoxo

Freedom1990

:ghug2 :ghug2

If it makes you feel any better, I'm paying off $7,500 in hospital bills and that is with health insurance.

I hope you continue to heal in more ways than one!

Abundance

Freedom.....that is just crazy!

Well... I checked the mail..... and his folks sent my boy a card and a magazine subscription. So very kind..... he called them to say thank you, but there was no answer.

My boys were thinking that the birthday was going to be when they heard from him, but they haven't mentioned anything about it (yet)... the Not hearing from him, that is.

When I'm surrounded by other people... good friends... he is hardly on my mind (I mean, he still is, but I just don't get down I suppose). Keeping busy really is the remedy that works for me.

Grateful I'm off the crutches, but I'm still not as active as I like to be. It still blinking hurts!

Okay... enough wining.

Glad I checked the mail... and maybe it is better that there was no contact in anyway - because that only prolongs matters.

It's also very telling that just a couple of weeks ago he "said".. that he was mailing a gift for both boys actually, and that he wanted to be a part of their lives.... and my life. And that he is *there for me*..... but there have been NO .... ZeRO actions on his part. Typical. (and then I get frustrated and angry..... with who though? Me or Him? Me for believing what He is saying.)

ventuhome

Medical bills are a real B*TCH to deal with!!! Last year I ran up over $8000 and I have health insurance too!! They denied claims for anethesia for my special needs children!! Thank GOD I can work overtime at my work, even though I'm a wreck by the time the weekend comes. I have paid just overe $1000 of these bills so far, I put them on a low interest credit card and just keep sending the minimum plus around $100 every month. In order to make this work, you have to live your life like they did back in the DEPRESSION - no new clothes for me, use the clothes line to keep electric bill down, brown bag and no eating out or movies. And even that bottle of wine a week is gone!! In order to keep my spirits up, I have taken to wearing the vintage costume jewely that I have inherited from my mom. If you cant put your medical bills on a credit card, call the medical billing company and tell them you need to have a payment plan. Most will work with you, they'd rather have it back slowly than not at all. Stick with us and keep your mind off that loser.

breakingfree88

I hope you continue to feel better. Its amazing how something so small (your toe) can hurt so damn bad!! I hope you enjoy the much needed rest as you are going through a lot of change now. I'm glad you can have a sense of humor about it.
Keep us updated!
Love, Holly

IPT

Hey Abundance - we meet again. I was outta here for a while because I had found my peace. I was detached and let go. Well I got wrapped back up in it again am going thru withdrawals for my (X?)/AGF.

I am glad that you have found keeping busy keeps your mind off him. Him not being there for you is something I can relate to. I had a little flood last week and again was dealing with all this alone being pissed she wasn't here to help (emotionally or physically) as is always the case.

A few months back I freed myself. She had just pushed that final button and I quit. I fully accepted she was simply incapable of changing. I was at peace, not angry at all texting her things like “I gave you so many chances and you choose not to change, I am not doing the same things over and over, it was your choice”.

Have you got to that point where you really feel free and are totally okay with it? It was so peaceful to not wonder if the phone was going to ring, if she would show up, or not? If you haven’t, I hope it is just around the corner for you.

I'm happy you have good examples around you. I think we forget what normal supportive relationships are supposed to be like. We accept way less then we should clinging to the hope that it may morph into something healthy. I always enjoy the reality check of hanging out with my friends who have healthy relationships to remember “that’s what is supposed to be like”.

Hang strong, glad you’re in the walking boot! What did you break?

Abundance

That is crazy about the medical bills. I am a licensed Insurance agent - and it pains me that these insurance companies hurt people. Not cool... but I would contact the agent of these companies - and make them aware because 9 times out of 10 - the agent isn't told.

I have the paperwork to apply for financial assistance.... and yeah - paying something is better than nothing.

[QUOTE=breakingfree88;2301717]I hope you continue to feel better. Its amazing how something so small (your toe) can hurt so damn bad!! I hope you enjoy the much needed rest as you are going through a lot of change now. I'm glad you can have a sense of humor about it.
Keep us updated!
Love, Holly[/QUOTE]

Thanks Holly. I have the BESTEST friend of nearly 15 years ... and she was with me in the ER.... we actually had the best time... we laughed so much! It was the best ER visit ever! We certainly made the "best of whats around"! No kidding though - that - such a small part of our body has such a huge impact. Crikey!!

Hey IPT - I was wondering how things were going for you. Yep - seeing a healthy relationship is eye-opening and sharing just 'glimpses of a day in the life of him and I'... are shocking to someone who is in a healthy relationship. It's amazing how de-sensitized I have become... there were so many 'deal breakers' that I allowed and continued in the relationship w/ hopes of us working out. Because of our love and connection....

Tonight my boys (individually) asked when we would be skyping with my guy. I told them that I didn't know. It came up about how my oldest wasn't contacted on his birthday, they are actually more disgusted than disappointed. My youngest said "Well... we had some fun times - he is a good guy" ... but then he got a bit aggravated and said: "But we hardly ever saw him. The only times we would see him is if we came alllll the way upstairs to ask him how he was doing and what he was doing.... and he would say "and then (fillinblank), and then (fillinblank), and then (fillinblank), and then".... and then we would stand and stare at him for like a minute and watch him ..... and then leave thinking, "that was weird". He talked about how my guy was always saying what was coming next... not what was going to happen right then and there. We then started laughing at ourselves... because I told him I would do the same thing.... walk in and just stare at him while he was working... and he would just keep on working - and then I'd just walk out of the room. I mean... crikey - what kind of relationship is that? Granted.... my boys don't know that he was tweaking out on tons of ritalin.... BUT ... I did. My youngest told me that he came across nervous and not able to hang out with us.

So .. yeah - hearing my boys talk about their own personal views of him/our relationship, it is helpful in my healing and knowing that I absolutely can not have active addiction in my home. Knowing that in their innocence that they picked up on things (that I too was picking up on) ... and that they could have been learning codie ways - trying to please him for attention or even trying to upset him for attention - which sometimes they would . My boys definitely don't have hard or angry feelings towards him - but they were getting fed up with him being so disconnected from everyone... and in the end - they were detaching too! Like I have said before - the boys and I have a very tight bond... and we are congruent with one another. Where I feel like my guy would come in and out of our family groove and was able to really put a wall up. My youngest said it really well: "Where did he spend most of his time mom? In the bedroom... he was more interested in doing "his own" thing." Now... my guy's retaliation to that was - "well - THEY are doing THEIR own thing... " And my response was: "Yes, thank goodness - ... now, how about you BE THE ADULT ... and lead them ... guide them to do something all together. And he said... "But I'm not interested in the things they are." ... I mean - we would go around in circles talking about it - and then there was no resolve. ... okay gotta remember -

I think that 'guilt' is probably where my issue is, as well as, feeling sad, but mostly guilty when I think about the possibility of what if I was strong enough to have handled loving myself and not needing it from him - and staying in the relationship - waiting for him to show me the love he 'says' he has/had for me. But I tell myself that he really didn't love me.... and then it helps me feel less guilty.

BUT you know what? The "what if's" can go on forever.... and ever. The "what IS" .... is really where it's AT!

It is what it is ..... and is that enough? Is that good enough for me? For my boys? NOOO way!

Callie

Abs - you're doing a good job at fighting through your addiction. I know that when H moved in with his mom last year I was glad he was out of the house, but that addiction on BOTH of our parts was still there. We talked every day several times a day though we rarely saw eachother. Looking back now I see that it wasn't good for either for us. Sounds like you still have expectations from him that aren't being met even though he's gone. It also sounds like you realize them and that you're working on that, which is even better. Hang in there and thanks for keeping it real as far as what you're thinking or going through.

Are you on facebook? I continue to be amazed at what 'normal' and menial things people post on there and realize JUST how abnormal my life is/was. I know we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but it's a good reminder of how much we've lowered our expectations in order to remain with an addict.

Abundance

Thank you Callie -

I do still have expectations.... which I am working through. Now - what I am working through is not hearing from him... I am worried, but it's not for me to worry about - I realize that. Hopefully he is doing well moving on. He is probably mad at me because when we were text messaging a week ago - I told him to stop sharing his feelings with me - that I'm not able to feel sorry for him or I can't tell him how to work through how he is feeling. That I'm looking after myself and it's too painful to worry about him and what he is going to do. He told me I wasn't being nice. Whatever.

As for Facebook...... I know what you mean. I love love love facebook. It's a transition going from here to FB - and sometimes I do tend to be more like it's "soulbook"! lol It's a great way of staying in touch with people! Where I broke my toe was reuniting with an old class mate from High School.... who I got in touch with from FB. I also got in touch with a dear friend via FB - and she is now a drug/alcohol dependency counselor. She couldn't believe just how much I knew about addiction, but wasn't an addict; however, a TOTAL co-dependent.

Today I faxed over more documents for my loan modification .... I'm really hoping that I can keep my house. I should know by the end of this week or early next week. It's tough because the bank statements don't show his "rent" for June. And I didn't make any money, either. I had him down as a renter....

Wish me luck folks.

hello-kitty

What a B-tthead.

Sorry about your toe. Sorry that your boys have been hurt by the whole situation. It's tough for kids to understand. Just be honest with them and true to your values. Everything will be ok. Good luck with the loans.

Everything will work out - you may not have full understanding of how or why but it's good to just trust that there is balance in the universe and that things will be ok. Take care.

Abundance

My oldest called my xguy's parents tonight to say thank you. I'm so proud of my boys - they are such good conversationalists. At the end of it ... he said... "OH... and please tell <ex> I said hello." My youngest then wanted to speak with her and he then asked if she wanted to speak with me. My stomach sank.

So - we spoke and caught up on the ins and outs of new news. She asked how I was doing with finding work... and I fumbled around - because I'm really in a financial mess right now. I explained to her that towards the end of our relationship I really wasn't able to make decisions about anything - and that I'm now just bringing myself out of the "fog". I choked up and told her that I still love her son and at times I really do miss him. Apparently, he has another contract in his work and he is working a ton. That's great for him! At least he can just focus on work and not have to worry about upsetting me or the boys. Anyway - she said that she misses me and the boys, and I told her the same. She is a lovely woman and we get along very well. I told her that I hope we stay in touch.

I will admit - I am relieved now knowing just a little bit about what is going on with him. Like I got a little "fix"..... but I already want MORE! I have checked my phone now about 5 times to see if he has called or texted.
Today - I have been hyper focusing on the relationship - and I know what that is all about. I'm not around friends or other people, essentially not keeping busy. I just keep telling myself - TOMORROW - I will do xyz. It's depression doing a number on me.

I think turning on some music loud and cleaning up will be helpful.... maybe having a good cry and releasing? On a good note, I've been pretty much off my foot!

My house is pretty much tore up from having 8-9 children here since Thursday.... so there is much work to be done.

I come here to SR and it just breaks my heart seeing all these threads of opiate abuse. I loathe addiction..... I can't understand why so many wonderful, charismatic, amazing people have this disease..... and that we fall in love with them. It's not right.... and it pisses me off to no end that the remedy is really on us...... because of the enabling and then facing our co-dependence - for tolerating all that we tolerate when loving someone with addiction. We suffer right along with them, don't we? And then we detach and that is painful, too.

Okay - good... tears are flowing - a release will be good.

xoxo

Abundance

Anvil..... I've missed you.

I know what you are saying... and I teach my kids the same thing, with their relationships. I always have. I was the parent that didn't force my kids to "share".... unless THEY wanted to.... not because it's the fair thing to do. They had to see the reward in it.... and they usually did - but it was okay more so if the other child didn't. It is the person's CHOICE! Now... it goes with someone hurting you..... when someone say's ...... "I'm sorry"..... the response isn't... "it's okay". Since they learned how to talk - their come back is...... "Thank you for saying you're sorry - it's not okay - and don't do it again, but thank you for saying you're sorry." Should the same thing happen AGAIN - then my kids have a CHOICE whether they want to surround themselves around that person. But ya know- their confidence and being commands respect .... right from the beginning. Everything I KNOW ... I teach - but it's damn hard to actually follow it myself. Probably because it's been ingrained in me to make nice, play nice, even at the sake of losing self- confidence.

What do they say? Those that can't do, TEACH?! ::: raises hand:::: < ---- that be me.

-------------------

Anywho - I do know what you are saying. And what it comes down to is my looking past all of the "red flags" and while I did "try" to break it off earlier on because of the red flags ........ our intense feelings - like the ones you only hear / read about - see in the movies - kind of feelings........ would always WIN! And he would point it out to me.... it never failed. And I would be right back into it! It was in the past few months of our relationship that our connection wasn't something strong enough to drown out all the bad. Maybe it was the lack of intimacy? Or my heart caught up with my head? The worry of my children being this close to addiction, and my no longer being able to protect them? The "cute little red head" on the airplane? Getting deeper into my recovery and it hitting home that asking him to not use drugs and be honest IS "controlling". Even though - it doesn't seem like it should be too much to ask! After all, my best friend doesn't even have to ask her husband of such a thing~! It's just common knowledge! I don't know - maybe it's just because I got sick and tired of having to deal with so much incongruence and I was going insane trying to make sense of it all!

Like he said...... "Our bond/connection is such a gift.... it shouldn't have been this hard."

My reply...... "Well, when what we have is taken for granted and not being cared for....... this is what happens."

................

aaaaaaaaaah I 'm so glad that this has come up - because just 10 minutes ago ... ALL the good was flooding back. The boys and I were talking about all the positives that he has brought into our lives. However, what is the PRICE for these positives?

It's interesting when I tell guy friends that I'm now single..... and they tell me - WOW - he really messed up a good thing. You are a hot, sexy, open-minded, caring, loving, responsible, kind woman. And saying I'm not going to be single for long. And all I think is - I am a hurting person and my attraction will be those who are also hurting. So - I can't even think about that right now.

Humans have aversion to change - unless we are pushed into it and just have to DO IT! Then there is the transition phase.... out with the old and in with the new. It's crazy to think that just 50 days ago we were in bed cuddling and having at least that last bit of love between us. But literally - that is all we had left. And as much as I would tell myself that it's just a phase and we will get out of it...... the truth is - that addiction is progressive - and if that is all we had left - until something drastically changes - then that would eventually be gone too! AND...... IT'S GONE~!

I have had 4 real relationships in my adult life (incl. 2 marriages) - and out of all 4 - I love my guy MORE than the other 3 combined! And that is what I mean by - it's just not right!. But like you said - it's my choice - and I chose to hang in, but in the end- learned that the bad ended up outweighing the good.

Abundance

hmmmm... well... then I would have to say that we hit phase 4 after the first few months.

The thing is .... is all those things *on my part* - the insecurities - was because he was hiding drugs from me. NOT ... that that makes it okay - whatsoever.

In the first year - I must have tried ending the relationship every other month- but I'd get drawn back in ... even though I was telling myself that with every time I went back - the longer I stay in it- the more it will hurt when it's over.

Anvil - you are absolutely right with the euphoric recall .... our relationship was like a drug. Which is why when he moved out - I recognized that I was going through a detox/withdrawal. And I had to literally expel it out of my system. Because he had left the relationship mentally and emotionally towards the end - I didn't feel anymore lonely after he was gone- instead I felt relieved to not feel the way I had been feeling on top of feeling alone. (rejected, unloved, untrusting, walking on egg shells, fear of the future... etc.) But not feeling all the negatives was like being in the pink cloud. Now that the PC is gone- it's all really sinking in.

Anywho~!

I've been doing this "reclaiming my life" blog - and thinking about it- a lot of it is a story about how i'm dealing with the relationship loss.
I want to change it up now..... and focus ONLY ON ME! Not looking back on our relationship......

Just keep the focus on me and what I'm learning in my heavy therapy... and coming here. Sigh.... I'm also PMSing.... and I am not on any estrogen (right now)... so everything is a bit more emotional. Gotta make allowances for that!

I will end ~ by being grateful for having addiction OUT OF MY HOME!!!!!!!!!