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Kinda confused...

Old 07-18-2009, 02:26 PM
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Kinda confused...

So a lot has been going on with my addicted exbf. But now I'm so confused as to what's going on and what to do with this..

After a month of not speaking to me, he showed up at my door last week. Apologized for everything, said he wanted to quit smoking pot, and wanted my help (among a ton of other things). He said he could see what it's doing to him (ruining his memory, his vocabulary, he speaks much slower now, he loses his breath faster, and there's other things affected too). He realized that he's destroying himself, his life. He says that he sees now that I'm right, and have been all along. He was going to be sober this semester.

Clearly, that didn't last long. He's right back at it. Now he's saying he's just "not ready" to stop. But he still sees all the negative things in it. Still says that he has a problem. But thinks that he can just cut back, cause he's not ready. How is it possible to SEE all the bad things and the negative, that you have a problem, and not be ready to stop. What does that even mean?

I kinda have a thing I want to talk to him about...but I don't even know if it's helpful or not. I could really use some advice guys..
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Old 07-18-2009, 02:49 PM
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I believe that addiction really is just a symptom for the desire to numb emotions. My ABF quit drinking, but he still smokes pot on a regular basis and I think a large part of the reason is that he suffers from PTSD (he is a vet) and
does not want to deal with the anxiety, fear, depression, and all the rest of it. He is now in psychiatric care and hopefully able to start therapy soon because I don't think he will ever be able to quit without really facing and working on his issues.
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Old 07-18-2009, 03:11 PM
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I think it means he doesn't [I]really see that he has a problem[I]. My XAGF does, did the same thing. We'd go away on a trip and get away from the drugs and her co-dependant relationships and she'd be so much happier. She put all the pieces together and be ready to be done. recpgnize all that she lost and was losing. Then slowly it was "just once" and soon enough she was right back like she never even stopped. Addiction is ugly, and it destroys the people around it as much as the people in it. Except we don't even have the ability to dull the pain with the drug use. My advice is to walk away.....though that is super hard to do. I did it briefly and it was the most tranquil I felt in a long time. Now I got sucked back up into it and am as lost as ever.

A reovering addict friend of mine said that when an addict says they want to quit, they really do. It's just that once they try they find they don't have the coping skills to do it. I guess that is the real part of rehab - learning to cope and deal without just drugging the issues away.
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Old 07-18-2009, 03:15 PM
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That's why I want to give him things to cope with. I want to talk with him. But I don't see him sticking to it.

I just really hate....that he sees that he can't have both me and his pot...and he's willing to lose what he have because of it.

When he's with me, he wants to quit. He wants to be sober and be everything I need. When he leaves me though, and he's with his friends or alone, he "realizes" he doesn't want to quit.
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Old 07-18-2009, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by 28Days View Post
When he's with me, he wants to quit. He wants to be sober and be everything I need. When he leaves me though, and he's with his friends or alone, he "realizes" he doesn't want to quit.
Been there, done that. She actually said "I don't get it. When we are together things are great, but on the phone or when we are apart everything goes bad". Yeah, well that is because when she is away she becomes irresponsible and is with people who don’t care about anything but themselves and their drugs. They allow each other to enable each other and life is good. Yet, it’s not, and when they come down, or get away from for a while by being with clean and healthy people they see it, and want it to stop. The habit, and draw of the addiction is too strong though and no matter how much we love them, try to meet their needs, and make them happy, we just cannot take the pain or struggles they are masking away like the weed or the DOC can. I have been on and off with this for 4 years now. It is not a fun ride.

Oh, and I don't think he wants/is willing to "lose you" because of it. I am sure he wants you more. It's just that the addiciton is too powerful for him to control and it will win over everytime. In the end it doesn't matter why, either way we lose out (so do they). It kills me a little more each time I go thru it.
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Old 07-18-2009, 04:09 PM
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So pretty much unless he gets away from these people, nothing will change or get better?
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Old 07-18-2009, 04:50 PM
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Until he decides to do it for HIM and that his life is better without the drug, he won't stop. It is heartbreaking to realize that someone has such a problem or is making such choices that don't put us first. Again... my husband said, over and over and over..."Give me another chance. I'll do anything" ... the words were easy to say... but the actions never happened. He wasn't willing, ready, able to give up the drug and or engage in life. You can't have a relationship with someone who isn't truly there.

Take care of you!!! HUGS
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Old 07-18-2009, 05:01 PM
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I thought he was deciding to do it for him. To save himself from everything that was happening. He asked for help finally. And then he suddenly decided that he no longer felt he was ready. I don't understand how you can just accept all the bad, even after you've seen it.

"Oh, and I don't think he wants/is willing to "lose you" because of it. I am sure he wants you more. It's just that the addiciton is too powerful for him to control and it will win over everytime. In the end it doesn't matter why, either way we lose out (so do they). It kills me a little more each time I go thru it. "

From what he said in his last message, it seems like that is what he's saying. He says he was sober for a bit and doesn't think he feels ready (a bit equals like a day or two, btw). He knows how much that bothers me, and it just isn't going to work.

It's heartbreaking to see that he would rather lose me than lose something that he knows is destroying him.
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Old 07-18-2009, 08:21 PM
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This is your ex, right?

Let go. Let God.

Life is too short to waste time with someone who hears the beat of a different drum.
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Old 07-18-2009, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by 28Days View Post
So pretty much unless he gets away from these people, nothing will change or get better?
exactly! friends are SUCH bad influences and hard to break ur ex or bf from em, my ex ALLLLLL his friends do is 500 worth of coke or more each wknd day ect is SICK thats why our ex's of bf's NEED their friends, because we refuse to party with them no matter what the drug or alch all the same, those crowds are not our addicts TRUE friends, they need to realize that
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Old 07-19-2009, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by 28Days View Post
That's why I want to give him things to cope with. I want to talk with him. But I don't see him sticking to it.
It's not your job to help/fix him. Help is readily available in the forms of 12 step programs, rehab, counseling, etc.

Those of us closest to the addict are the least likely to be able to help.

There are countless recovering addicts and professionals out there to help him if/when he wants the help.
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Old 07-19-2009, 11:42 AM
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Freedom - I am simpley offering him suggestions. 12 Steps is a no dice thing. I wouldn't subject myself that to that, so certainly not him either. Rehab is no way either because of the money issue. Counselling I'm going to suggest, but he's really against that idea for some reason. I'm gonna tell him that it would more than likely help him, and hope that he'll go. Unfortunately I'm not only the closest emotionally but physically. Since all his REAL friends are 600 miles away. And his friends here are all druggies.

Lost - It's trying to convince him on that that's so tough. He doesn't really have ANY other friends here. And he's tired of just sitting around doing nothing. He's afraid to lose them..and in his eyes bad friends are better than no friends I guess...-sigh-

Outto - While he is officially my ex, technically there's a lot more to it than that. Letting go without talking to him about it, and trying to get him to seek help outside of me (as he did ask me for help.), is NOT an option. Not yet anyways. Soon, but not yet.
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Old 07-19-2009, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by 28Days View Post
Freedom - I am simpley offering him suggestions. 12 Steps is a no dice thing. I wouldn't subject myself that to that, so certainly not him either. Rehab is no way either because of the money issue. Counselling I'm going to suggest, but he's really against that idea for some reason. I'm gonna tell him that it would more than likely help him, and hope that he'll go. Unfortunately I'm not only the closest emotionally but physically. Since all his REAL friends are 600 miles away. And his friends here are all druggies.
Well then, by all means, please do offer him some suggestions. You're certainly free to stay as enmeshed in his addiction as you wish.

My life is so much peaceful and content since I no longer enmesh with any addict, including my 31 year old AD.
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Old 07-19-2009, 12:48 PM
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Once I offer him these suggestions, if he refuses, then yes, I am walking away. As hard as it is since we live so close together. My life is never going to be peaceful from him. Which is why it's so hard.
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Old 07-19-2009, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by 28Days View Post
12 Steps is a no dice thing. I wouldn't subject myself that to that, so certainly not him either.
You wouldn't "subject" yourself to it??? Honestly, I feel NA meetings are a treat to go to most of the time. Have you ever been to a meeting?? If as you say, he has no sober friends in your area, that'd be a good place for him to find them. Thank God for NA! It has made me closer to my higher power, helped me form good clean friendships, helped me develop social skills I never had, and is where I found my sponsor, who helps me in so many ways my bf can't. I know I'm a much better partner as a result of my involvement with NA. I just finished my fourth step.

I've known some sober partners who don't want their addicted significant others in a 12-step program because they don't want to miss them for an hour a night, or because they don't trust them not to find someone to cheat with in meetings. I hope that isn't what you are worried about. I mean, if it were me in your relationship, I'd hope he would at least give NA a try. Even if it isn't your cup of tea, lots of people find recovery there. Your b/f might be one.


Love,
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Old 07-19-2009, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
You wouldn't "subject" yourself to it??? Honestly, I feel NA meetings are a treat to go to most of the time. Have you ever been to a meeting?? If as you say, he has no sober friends in your area, that'd be a good place for him to find them. Thank God for NA! It has made me closer to my higher power, helped me form good clean friendships, helped me develop social skills I never had, and is where I found my sponsor, who helps me in so many ways my bf can't. I know I'm a much better partner as a result of my involvement with NA. I just finished my fourth step.

I've known some sober partners who don't want their addicted significant others in a 12-step program because they don't want to miss them for an hour a night, or because they don't trust them not to find someone to cheat with in meetings. I hope that isn't what you are worried about. I mean, if it were me in your relationship, I'd hope he would at least give NA a try. Even if it isn't your cup of tea, lots of people find recovery there. Your b/f might be one.


Love,
KJ
It's just that neither of us are into the "higher power" idea really. It's an issue with us. Though I do intend on taking him to a couple/few meetings to see if it works for him. But he doesn't like opening up or anything. I don't see him much anyways, and if he finds someone better, as long as they're not toxic to him, then that's fine. I'm not worried about that sort of thing. Because it helps to form non-toxic friendships, and offers more help than I ever could I am taking him to a meeting once I find one. But he seemed to not like the idea of counselling.
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Old 07-19-2009, 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
I too am confused, I must be missing something. Since your are offering him suggestions and taking him to meetings, then I assume you too are an addict...but you are in recovery? And, the suggestions you are going to offer him are what you did to get clean and stay clean? That's how recovery works, addicts reaching out to other addicts. And, I'm sure you too had times when you wanted to be done, but were just not ready. All you can do is share what worked for you, resources you used, and then the rest is on him and his timeline.
Yes I was an addict, and have been in recovery for a long time. I no longer feel the urge to use..well...maybe when things get "unbearable". I'm telling him what I used, yes. What I would have wanted to hear. However, I have never known I needed to stop, wanted to stop, but didn't think I wasn't ready. Which is what makes me confused.
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Old 07-22-2009, 03:18 PM
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So, we talked. Didn't get anywhere really, though he seems to think we did. I suggested NA meetings. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable going because he's not an addict. He said himself two weeks ago that he is. When I reminded him of that he said "well two weeks makes a big difference".....He doesn't care about any consequences.

He said he no longer knows if he wants my help. Then he told me that when he's with me he wants to be with me again, and fix everything and make it work. Then when we're not around each other he thinks about all the bad things and thinks it's better without being around each other at all, and so he can continue to use as much as he wants, whenever. Instead of quitting, he's "cutting back". And now he's started to drink more. yay....
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