splendra

Everybody in my family goes thru everybodies stuff. I am going to start calling them all out on this.

It is a terrible trait. Yesterday I saw one of my siblings going thru the other ones stuff. I said what are you doing they said looking for my stuff. We both laughed then looked away for a private thought about it. It really is not funny.

Freedom1990

I realized through the year in my recovery that my family of origin has either no boundaries, or very poorly defined ones. It's been years since my parents have come to my house, and I'm fine with that. My dad would always be looking in rooms around the house, or thumbing through my bill rack, and that isn't acceptable to me. I'd never dream of doing that in their house!

:ghug2 :ghug2

winnie12

Its a lack of respect for others privacy and possessions. I have a lock and key for my door when my son is home - wear a key around my neck. He was always looking for things to take (even if it was silly things like my good shampoo or face creams) - and of course anything to use as ammunition against me when we angered - like my own private things.

My daughter on the other hand shares a bathroom with me and wont even open one of my drawers to get something she needs without asking my permission - even though i've told her she can get anything she needs. She takes care of my things and always puts them back so i dont care in the least.

Learn2Live

splendra,

Thanks very much for posting this! I had NEVER thought of that before but now that you mention it, my family (at least when we were kids) were the same way! My brothers would go through my dresser and make fun of me for things they found in there, and would break my stuff. I could never understand why my sister was (and still is at age 46) such an extremely private person (she won't even give us her phone number!) I thought my brothers were just being pains but now I see it.

Once we kids got older and got our own places, everyone in the family would get a key to your house. I wonder if that is an outcropping of having no boundaries? I thought that we were just very close.

That also makes me think how my friends and my Mom just could not understand when I told them 2 years ago how my A+A now-XBF just moved into my house! Seriously, he just moved right on in and made himself comfortable, commandeered my life and drove me crazy. I came to work one day, dumbfounded, and told my friends, "You guys, he moved into my house?!?!?!?" They were like, "How?" And I couldn't give them an answer other than, "I don't know." Sometime (and many tears) later I discovered that was because I have no boundaries.

This is great because I have just recently begun my Boundary work.
Thanks!

Ann

I think it's dreadful and terribly nosy to do such a thing.

Can you firmly insist that they stop?

Or buy locks for everything?

You have my sympathy, this is very intrusive.

Hugs

kj3880

Learntolive--maybe it's a Maryland thing? I'm having the same boundary problem exactly as you. I was brought up in the atmosphere where our possessions and space weren't respected. There were 9 in my family, and we shared everything, even bath water. I'm serious, we were told to "leave it for the next person and hurry so it isn't too cold."

I remember in therapy one time I was telling my therapist how my sister had been wearing my new underwear before I ever got a chance to wear them. She was notorious for ruining everything, especially clothes and would wear them until they were so dirty they'd fall off of her. Then she'd stick them back in the drawer like I wouldn't notice. And I wasn't allowed to complain. "Just be grateful you have underwear" is what Mom would say. She meant well, I guess.

Nothing was sacred, not even privacy. The little ones would creep into your bed at night, or follow you when you were trying to do homework or read. As a result, I became an adult who loves alone time, but isn't good at insisting on it. I am too laid back and people-pleasing at first in a relationship, don't seem to know how to set healthy boundaries. Then I can't get them out of my space.

I've also had a dope-fiend abf just attempt to move on in without being invited. One day I noticed a whole pile of his chothing in the chair near my bed and I told him "this stuff needs to go back where you pay rent and live there." He said "I'm going to stay with you for a while." I was able to say "No, you cannot live here. Absolutely not. It is not Okay." That's the product of recovery. Before recovery, he would have been in there running the house in short order. He left that night and we were broken up, which was what I was going for.

The very next day, I went to a conference and my son called me to let me know that exabf was in the house, in my bedroom, on my computer, eating a sandwich from my fridge!!! I freaked, got him on the phone, and told him to get out or I would have him arrested for burglary. He responded "Okay, okay, I'm leaving, I just had some time to kill, so I thought I'd have some food and relax at your house." Without my permission! Without me even being there! The day after we had broken off the relationship!

So don't feel too bad, it might not be just your enabling if dope fiends are encroaching on your territory. It's something that some of the more manipulative ones do as a lifestyle and you have to be fairly persistent and even downright nasty to get rid of them. Like roaches!

Love,
KJ

Learn2Live

Hi Ann. Thanks for the reply. Your feedback reminds me that I really am not insane! :O) I did get his key a couple of weeks ago and finally got him to get all his stuff out last week so it's not an issue anymore. But it was a long, hard road. I guess I should explain before I go further that I have known this person for nearly my entire life, and we were very good friends 25 years ago. Back then, he was obviously very respectful and protective of my physical and emotional health.

He basically moved out 6 months ago the same way he moved in, without telling me what was going on. I don't think he was really aware that he had dumped me. He has worse boundary issues than me obviously. This entire time (2 yrs) he has insisted that he loved me and cared about me (which I don't doubt for even a second) and that I was his "girlfriend." Despite the fact that he had sex with at least 2 other people.

Fortunately, from early on I knew that I really wasn't his girlfriend; that I and our relationship were really just a ruse to keep himself and everyone else in his life in the dark. This really cemented my belief that alcoholism / addiction is TRULY a disease, like an insidious monster that takes over the person completely. I let it all happen, having all this knowledge, because NO ONE in his life could or would see what was happening to him. I thought that I could get through to him to help him see what he had done to his life and that he needed to make a change FOR HIMSELF. I really felt he was close to death when I "found" him again after 25 years of being out of touch with eachother.

I kept letting him come back, and letting him do his best to maintain a "relationship" with me, because I really didn't care what he did (although I would keep getting get sucked back into a "relationship"). Some things did hurt me and cause me immense emotional upheaval. Make no mistake, I more often than not DID get entirely wrapped up in him and his drama and all my pain. I let it happen and tried to be mature about it, because I do love him and I very clearly remembered how he had honored, respected, and guarded me so many years ago, during a time in my life when I was a very vulnerable, confused young teen. I had hoped that one day he would get into recovery and we could live a good life together.

The only thing that really bothered me was his chaotic, complicated, unstable lifestyle that he would force into my life and mess up my home, my routine, my peace, and my serenity. I do love him as a person and could NEARLY all the time clearly see what he was doing. I think he's finally moved on to his next hostage, which is a relief, but I do miss him (but not all his baggage). He really is such a sweet person still, way down deep.

I am so proud of myself for how far I have come in 12 years. This web site helps me because when I write it all out, I can see more clearly. And the feedback helps me because it validates me and my feelings and my experiences. Thanks for being that for me.

Learn2Live

Hey KJ, Yeah, I've believed for a LONG time that there is something seriously wrong with the water in MD! I giggled nearly all the way through your post, not at you but at your examples of your family dynamics because it is so very familiar. I can't believe your sister would actually wear your underwear! I'm glad you shared your story about the dope fiend because I was really worried that there was something wrong with me. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one this has "happened to".

Thanks again for sharing that!

splendra

I remember when my mom would clean out my dresser it always made me feel really creepy.

splendra

I don't have take anyone else's inventory I don't have to go thru their stuff if their behavior bothers me I already know the truth. I can always take my own inventory when tempted to sort out someone else's stuff....

rose

That is a really bad no no almost without having to say it! My mom and dad have both passed away and my sister's and I have been getting their house ready to sell. It is a really funny feeling having to go through their private belongings.

Rose

splendra

some girl that knows my brother(the one in jail) called me up to ask me to look for something of hers among his stuff.

I told her I was not going to go thru his stuff without his permission. He called her from jail but he never gave me permission to go thru his stuff so I did not.

splendra

Talking with my mom about boundaries has been very healing for both of us. She is changing and growing and finding peace. I am very glad to see my mom feeling peaceful. She tried for so long to control everything.

She is the only child of two alcoholics growing up in the depression. For some reason she created this fantasy about her mom being all perfect and wonderful. Lately she has been able to admit everything with her mom was not all sweetness and light.

She is being really firm with my brother in jail and he is really trying to put the ole screws to her but she is keeping her boundaries and not letting him get to her I have been very proud of her for not breaking down and giving in to him. She is learning about taking care of herself for a chance.

Thanks for reading this.

rose

Nice to here Slendra,

It is so hard for a parent or grandparent to put boundaries into place. My mom would get ill to her stomach when she had to turn her grandson away. Made is so hard for us to try and convince her to not let him in. When my dad was alive my he never tried it, he knew better, dad had no patients for it and would think nothing of telling him to hit the road and he was gone. Mom would get so upset, but it didn't happen often. Once my dad passed away my nephew was non stop at her door at all hours, she always caved in to him. He robbed her blind and still she could not stop.

Rose

splendra

addicts want what they want and they will knock down what ever obstacle gets in their way.

It kills me how they can go thru my purse or my room looking for valuables and then get indignant when we look at their call record on their cell phone or look in their space for evidence of drug use.

My mom put a small mouse trap in her purse one time and noticed my sister had 2 black finger nails the next day. My mom asked her what happened to her fingers and she gave some BS story but she knew it was the mouse trap in her purse that snapped her fingers...