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Partner just entered rehab & already wants to come home!

Old 07-12-2009, 08:33 AM
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Midwest Griever
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Partner just entered rehab & already wants to come home!

Hello Everyone,
I was a member on this site 2 1/2 years ago and you guys were a great help. Now I'm back with a whole new set of problems.
Background: My partner is an opiate addict (pills). I am 50 and he is almost 25 and we have been together for almost four years. Yes, we are a gay couple (please, no flaming as I can't deal with it right now.)
So 2 1/2 years ago I had my own intervention and kicked him out to make him hit rock bottom. He is Native American and receives healthcare and treatment for free. Two years ago his doctor put him on Suboxone and now my partner and his doctor both agree it is time for him to come off of it. In the meantime, he has been going to college and has made the dean's list two out of four semesters. So he IS a really smart guy and loves me more than any other partner ever has.
Well, two weeks ago my partner tried to detox himself at home and it was a disaster. He went to his doctor and he wrote him a rx for one week to slowly taper him off with decreased doses each day and also arranged for my partner to enter a facility for 30 days. This particular one is has a great reputation for detoxing Suboxone patients. He took his last pill Fri. morning before we left for the four hour drive to the facility.
Now he has nearly or already used up the calling card I bought for him because he started telling me he wants to come home after he has been there for only 24 hours! I feel as if he needs to stay there the whole 30 days. And that is probably going to make me look like the biggest a**hole in the world in his eyes. I feel that this is a huge "gift" as they say on Intervention and he shouldn't let down the people who worked so hard to make this happen. I just don't understand this turn around in his behavior because he was so pumped up about going and was excited all the way there.
I know for sure the half-life of the Suboxone will run out tomorrow or Tuesday and then his withdrawals will begin in full force. Another thing he has been saying is that he wants to come home right after detox and I don't think that's right either. He hates where he is because it is an older, renovated house that he says stinks. He's complaining that one of his roommates has severe body oder. He says he is so much further along than the rest of the patients are in their recovery process. He doesn't like the rules as in being told where he can and can't go and when to do things. He feels that because he went there voluntarily that he can leave anytime he wants unlike the others who are there at the facility by court order. I finally told him he's an addict and all of this is addict talk and I don't want to hear it anymore and if it is so bad, go and complain to his counselor about it because I can't do anything four hours away.
All day yesterday I was in huge codependency mode and spent my entire day off of work chain smoking and acting like a maniac because I never expected this would happen.
So what do I say when he calls begging to come home? And I want to write him a letter, but what do I write?
Please help me out with some advice as I really don't know what to do. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate your valuable time!
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:24 AM
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You are doing the right thing. He is right where he should be getting the help he needs. I on the other hand loved my son to death letting him talk me into everything he wanted now he is dead from herion overdose. You will be in my prayers.
A friend
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:41 AM
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Welcome Back to SR.

So what do I say when he calls begging to come home?
NO

No is a complete sentence. To help with that, go No Contact for a bit, just don't answer his calls. Maybe you might like to find some Al-Anon or Naranon meetings in your area, I suggest Al-anon as there are usually more of those in any give area than Naranon.

Unfortunately you cannot help him any more than you have, he has to do this for himself. You have the right to set your OWN boundaries. Al-anon or Naranon can help you with this.

There are also the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE it.

You can't CONTROL it.

You can't CURE it.

Writing a letter is not a bad idea, I would suggest though that you write, then leave it sit for a few days, go back and re-read it, edit, leave it sit again for a day or two, than do the same thing again. By then you will know within yourself if you still want to send the letter.

Hope the above helps a bit and doesn't 'muddy' the issues further.

Again, Welcome Back.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:50 AM
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It may be cowardly, but maybe not...If you don't think you have the strength to say no, then don't pick up the phone. I did that at times because I felt it was better for me to not engage than to fold, and I did not trust myself not to fold.

It isn't unusual for the first week or so of rehab to be a hell week and then things get much better. I was grateful when my daughter's rehab had "black out" (no contact) duing that first week...Sort of wished it was for two weeks.

Your gut instinct is right - he is right where he should be. Maybe you can get a few Naranon meetings in while he is working on his own recovery. As far as a letter, perhaps for now the best is a nice card with a sentence or two from you just letting him know you support him and care. I know my daughters both looked forward to mail when they were inpatient. I tried to keep it loving and light and leave the heavy stuff and the "I think you shoulds" out of it. That I tried to leave to the counselors. Honestly, it was a relief to just get back into the role of unconditional love and stop trying to control.

All the best to both of you.
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:58 AM
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Welcome, Prizewinner!

"So 2 1/2 years ago I had my own intervention and kicked him out to make him hit bottom."

Remember it's HIS bottom to find so maybe a musty smelling, renovated recovery house and a little B.O. won't cause him to find it, but at least it might raise it a little. Of course you'll be the a**hole as he's looking for any excuse to avoid discomfort or consequences for his behavior... doesn't sound like he's in a place to accept these as conseqeunces just yet. And in the grand scheme of things, some unpleasant odors aren't the worst of consequences for someone to 'suffer'.

We here, however, understand the difference between being an a**hole and setting healthy boundaries. Setting such boundaries can initially make me feel like an a**hole, but can be the most loving thing I can do. Sometimes we have to put-on our theatrical face and 'act as if' our heart isn't breaking while in the act of imposing healthy boundaries. It's places like this where we can find a safe milieu to share how our hearts are breaking, lending us greater insight into our dissonance of loving someone addicted.

Odors, rules, being the exception... LIFE IS HARD... BRING A HELMET.

Maintain healthy boundaries for YOU and maybe he'll find that bottom.

Many Blessings,
Shaman
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:24 AM
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No is a complete sentence.



I need this tattooed on my forehead.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:10 PM
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I just don't understand this turn around in his behavior because he was so pumped up about going and was excited all the way there.
I tried to put myself in his shoes and all I could come up with is, he's been in recovery for two years now, and this may feel like punishment instead of self-protection. Maybe a gentle reminder might be helpful, that his brain chemistry needs time to adjust without temptations, not necessarily his behavior?

You and your partner and in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:34 PM
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Thanks so much to all of you for your swift responses to my thread. And please keep them coming as I need all of your support more than I can express. I have already found an Al-Anon meeting for tonight located about a mile from my home. I should go for sure because I think I will feel much better after I go. I even felt better going with my partner to NA meetings the past few weeks and I'm not even an addict!
As a side issue, I am going to invite my parents, who are retired, to come and visit while he is gone. They do not know I'm gay and think my partner is just a "roommate," but that is a whole 'nother matter and an issue I have to deal with at some point in time. My story is that the "roommate" is gone to visit his sister in the Twin Cities for a week. My parents are from the "bible belt" and are deeply religious and it would devastate them to find out that their only child is gay. I feel that they really don't need to be put through the trauma of my coming out since they live over 700 miles away and are in their mid 70's and set in their ways. The past few days I thought of having them come right away this coming weekend and stay for a week in case my partner wants to come home after detox. In other words, get them in and get them out before he possibly comes home. But there is SO much preparation in having them come up to visit. We do not live in a pigpen by any means, so don't get the wrong idea. We have a one bedroom apartment with a fireplace. But my mother's standards of "clean" are so beyond the norm that I feel pressured to have everything spick and span by the time they arrive that it stresses me out beyond belief. So I think I'm going to be selfish and tell them not to come until the week after. That way I'll have more time to clean the way I know my mother would like for the place to be. Besides, my partner isn't going to be back home until the 8th or 9th of August anyway, so what difference does it make? I'm actually trying to control a situation myself instead of letting him be in charge as to what happens when and how. We discussed this whole matter before he went into rehab and got really angry and told me to get them here for their visit ASAP thinking he wouldn't be at the facility that long. Well now I know that's not the case, because I'm determined for him to be there 30 days.
OMG, my partner just called me AGAIN. He said he feels a lot better today after talking to his counselor about how he is feeling. He told his counselor, however, that after he detoxes that he will want to leave this coming Saturday. His counselor AGREED telling him to keep giving the program a chance and that they will revisit the issue at the end of next week. Can this be true?? Or is the counselor just giving him enough feedback to get through next week so my partner can see that things aren't that bad there? Is it some sort of psychological twist he is putting on the passage of time?
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Prizewinner View Post
I'm actually trying to control a situation myself instead of letting him be in charge as to what happens when and how.
Alanon will help you with you. You CANNOT control any person, place, or thing. The more you try the worse YOU will be.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:42 PM
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Sorry.....Welcome to SR. Keep reading and posting. Learn for yourself.....
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:05 PM
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What are your boundaries prizefighter? For you - for what you are willing to accept in your life. Not for him. You can't force him to change. You can only change yourself.

Is it ok with you that he drop out of rehab and come home to live with you? If it's not, then why are you letting yourself be pressured into it? Because you don't want to be considered an "*******"? That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. It sounds a little onesided.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.

If we don't stand up for what we believe in, for what is important to us, then we are living a lie. A lie that can destroy relationships and lives.

Have you looked into any support for you? Like alanon or codependents anonymous. Or maybe read some books on how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship. Or another good book is called "Codependent No-More" By Melanie Beatty.

If you don't stand. You will fall. And you won't have saved anyone. Especially not yourself.
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:24 PM
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His counselor AGREED telling him to keep giving the program a chance and that they will revisit the issue at the end of next week. Can this be true??
What the counselor ACTUALLY said and what HE HEARD may be two entirely different things.

Stick with your plan. If he pushes, simple answer is NO. If you feel you need to back that up with something more, "sorry my folks are here from such and such date to such and such date" (and you can 'lengthen' the actual time if it will make you feel better).
Therefore, if he should decide to leave he will have to figure out where he is going to go, NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I would suspect the counselor AGREED to talk about it in another week, lol

Stay in today. I am glad you are going to a meeting tonight. Just remember, he is still in MANIPULATION mode and will be for quite a time to come.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-12-2009, 04:44 PM
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Thank you so much for writing. I just spoke with my partner again and he is really being munipulative just as you said he would. He told me that I brought him to rehab and it is my responsibilty to come and get him. He said I'm not his father or his mother and I can't tell him what to do because he knows what is best for him. He said he wasn't abusing drugs like eveyone else there did and that he is basically there just to detox from the Suboxone.
Well, I've already spoken with my parents and it is set for them to come the 24th and stay for a week. My partner doesn't know that part yet.
Thanks for reminding me that all of these problems are his and not mine. I will be so glad to go back to work tomorrow so I can get my mind off of this mess for awhile.
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Old 07-12-2009, 10:26 PM
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Nice to meet you Prize, welcome to SR!! I would suggest you read the post up on the Substance Abuse and Suboxone detox, and even post up there too. from what I've read up there, detoxing from suboxone takes a long time, much longer that detoxing from street opiates. He will need to stay longer. ANd also he has to address the issues that got him into drugs in the first place, and learn tools to keep away from drugs. ANd he has to do all of this by himself, for himself, becaause you cant control his addiction. Not going to pick him up is a healthy boundary. Come here often for support.
I can totally relate to your situation with your parents - one of my husband's nephews is gay. The guy's parents are cool with it, but Grandma and Granpa (in their 80's) are so dyed in the wool conservative, he moved to another continent!! Being Gay is not an issue here (or Black, or Spanish, or Left-handed, or....)
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Old 07-13-2009, 02:25 AM
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It is not unusual for addicts new to rehab to want to come home within the first week or two. Most stay and are glad they did, some do not. The thing is, they are not locked in and have the choice to leave any time. Or they can get themselves thrown out with bad behaviour or breaking the rules, even if they don't use.

What I am trying to say is that this rehab visit will be as successful or unsuccessful as his willingness to to find recovery and you are doing the best thing by just stepping back and not participating in the chaos and instead, finding meetings for yourself and working on your own issues.

As for your parents, what about a brief visit to see them. It strikes me that it would not be uncommon for you to get them to your place and then have your roommate/partner show up at the door and cause problems. Going to visit them would get you away for a while and ensure that no drama would throw your world into chaos.

I really hope this all ends well for you and your partner, but please prepare yourself to deal with whichever way it goes.

Hugs
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Old 07-13-2009, 10:51 AM
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He's flippin' out cause he knows if he stays, he won't be able to get any dope. It is very scary for him. DON'T PICK HIM UP! Just keep telling him that everything is going to be OK. He needs encouragement to know that he can do this. Tell him to take this one second at a time. Teach him how to take deep breaths to get him through each minute. He is way panicing (not sure how to spell that; What I mean is he's having a panic attack). You know how to calm him down; write him about something to get his mind off himself. Be strong!

p.s. What does "no flaming" mean?
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Old 07-13-2009, 11:12 AM
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Prize Winner, one more thing... Part of your recovery can be (and should be at some point) asking yourself what YOU want. And what YOU need. I agree about not coming out to your parents, at least for right now, because it sounds to me like you can use their company and love right now. Not only that, you don't want to give them a heart attack or anything (my parents are that age too

I know you don't want to hear criticism from your mom about the state of your apartment but that is HER issue and you can learn to recognize that that is HER issue, and you can ignore what she says about it. I think it probably takes a long time to get to that point where you can let it be someone else's issue; it's just something I am learning from my mom right now, who is really good at that with my alcoholic dad. Anyway, my point was, if you need your parents right now, because you are stressed out smoking and being a maniac, you can learn how to make YOUR needs a priority and not EVERYONE ELSE'S (not yelling at you). OK. Hope this helps.
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Old 07-14-2009, 10:08 AM
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Hi,

Regarding withdrawal from suboxone... How long does it take to get addicted? My son was on a fairly high dose for months and had to stop taking it abruptly when he went to jail and he didn't have any problem. The jail didn't allow suboxone therapy but it did allow prozac which he also takes. He is not taking suboxone now and I am happy about that. I read the other thread about it and it seems there was no doubt in my mind he was getting a little high from it.
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Old 07-15-2009, 08:42 PM
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Hi Uards,
He was on a maintenance plan taking Suboxone for almost exactly two years and is detoxing now. My partner was on a fairly high dose, too all of that time but they didn't taper him off properly and now is spending time at a facility. He is on day 6 right now and it is pretty rough for him, but no where near how bad it was a couple of weeks ago when he tried to detox himself. I know my partner was getting high from it because I could always tell about 20 min. after it dissolved under it tongue that his attitude changed. Best wishes to you and your son and you both are in my prayers. Hang in there!
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Old 07-15-2009, 08:43 PM
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Thumbs up Update on my partner

Thought I would give you an update on my partner. Finally, finally he told me that he's "in it for the long run." What a relief it is to me that he's actually changed his mind and is going to stay the whole 30 days. He is still experiencing some discomfort (vomiting and diarrhea) but nothing like he experienced when he tried to detox himself at home a couple of weeks ago. He was given some over the counter stuff for that today and feels much better. He has been eating more and says the food in the facility isn't that bad at all. Only problem is he hasn't been sleeping that well but slept better last night than any night since he's been there.
That's all for now. And thanks so much for the support! You guys are the best!
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