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Partner just entered rehab & already wants to come home!

Old 07-16-2009, 04:26 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Well, I haven't been here for a while but I can tell you Prizewinner from my experience 1 year ago when my husband went to a facility for a 30-day program...he called me every day and on the 7th day called me at 1:30 am asking me if he could come home. I was silent and said "you can leave the program if you want, but you can't come to this house." I remained awake all night and he told me the next morning after he hung up the phone he fell asleep. He was on Suboxone too and it's just as bad as the opiates. The withdrawal is awful and even after 30 days they still may feel crappy. I hate to sound cold-hearted....but....that's on them. Be supportive and encouraging, but you have "Your side of the street to walk on" and he has "his side of the street to walk on". That's the best advice I received from a friend. Why is it so stinkin' easy to give advice but almost impossible to follow it!!! :o) sigh....... Good luck
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Old 07-17-2009, 06:58 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Smile Update

Just a quick update on my partner before I head off to work. TGIF!
I called him at the facility he is in last night and he had to let me go after a short conversation because his rehab buddies were waiting for him because it was his turn to play as they were playing spades! Isn't that too funny!?
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:03 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Prizewinner View Post
Just a quick update on my partner before I head off to work. TGIF!
I called him at the facility he is in last night and he had to let me go after a short conversation because his rehab buddies were waiting for him because it was his turn to play as they were playing spades! Isn't that too funny!?
No, it isn't funny at all to me. It's typical insensitive, all-about-me, the-heck--with-you, very-early-in-recovery, addict BS.

Spades are more important than talking to you right now because he isn't trying to talk you into getting him anything or picking him up right now. He has all the time in the world to be on the phone with you when he wants something, but when there's just talking, not convincing, to be done, he's too busy. Pathetic. Try to detach as much as you can, because he sounds like a real user. You're signing on for a lot of pain with this guy.

Love,
KJ
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Old 07-17-2009, 08:53 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Prizewinner,

I'm glad your partner decided to try to stay the 30 days. At least that's something. My opinion is that every day in therapy gives them a new opportunity to see the light and it's another day sober. My son left rehab after 16 days and that was a 6 month program. It only took us 7 or 8 years to get him into rehab (sigh) but I know that first and many subsequent rehabs often fail.

I'm a big believer in really long term programs. My sister did a 2 year program when she was 18 and at the time, I wouldn't have bet a nickle that she would live to see 20. She is now 54 and the mother of 3 boys and has never looked back. Life has many interesting twists.
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Old 07-18-2009, 07:10 AM
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I agree strongly with Uards. 30 days is a good start but its only a cleansing period - if he comes home after that then I would suggest an outpatient program or plan - this can be done with the counselors help at the rehab. 30 days will not "cure" him just give him a start. My son's trigger point is typically 2-3 months clean - he can make it that long and then just goes back off the deep end and ends up in a binge. so for my son I know he needs a good year or two clean. Physically it takes that long for the drugs to really stop affecting the mind and that time is needed to work through the underlying issues that are causing the addict to want to turn to drugs.

I'm glad that he decided to stay and maybe his/your experience will be different, I'm just sharing what i've seen with you because i dont want you to think that if he comes home in 30 days that everythings going to be over.
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Old 07-18-2009, 05:07 PM
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Winnie,

Has your son ever achieved a year clean? The longest my son has stayed clean was his 4 months in jail. Nowhere near long enough apparently since he was in the hospital 2 weeks later from an overdose. We are currently working on something like 10 days but I'm sorry to say I'm expecting a binge any day now.
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Old 07-19-2009, 06:53 AM
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uards - the longest is four or five months but that was due to being in jail. I thought he had five months at one point when he was in jal and then rehab but he spent a month here and i found out someone dropped drugs off for him. Right now he has 90 days because he's been locked up that long. I'll take whatever way helps him stay clean - the longer he is the clean the longer his brain has to recover.
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Old 07-22-2009, 06:08 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Unhappy Oh No! A terrible twist has occured!

Hello Friends,
My partner has really bad teeth due to poor/no dental care when growing up. He has had dentures and x-rays provided by his tribe for approx. six months now. It was his responsibility to have 14 teeth pulled and it still hadn't been done when he entered rehab 12 days ago.
So now apparently two of those twelve have been hurting him severely. The facility where he is arranged for him to have the two pulled today and it has been done. However, the facility has a no narcotics policy and he needed them after his extractions. He told me at first that they wouldn't let him take any painkillers after the surgery. Then he changed his story and said his counselors agreed that if I came and picked him up to bring him home, they would give the pills to me for me to "monitor." Doesn't that sound like a lot of BS? Would a facility agree to do such a thing?
While he's telling me this on my cell phone I get a call from where he is from his counselor and he tells me what is really going on. He says that they have "bent over backwards" for my partner and that he has been using his dental issues as a way to leave since he walked in the door. His counselor then went on to tell me that they had made an exception for my partner and they would administer painkillers to him and they would keep possession of them. His counselor asked me if I was still planning on picking him up and I told him no and he said, "good." They have even reduced his stay to Aug. 8th from 30 days to 28 to make it more convenient for me to come and get him on the weekend. I am SO glad his councelor called me with what is really going on.
But, what the heck is going on? My partner insists that he is leaving tomorrow and getting a ride from a girl he met in rehab who is transfering to a half-way house for six months. But I made it very clear to him that I am doing what I think is the right thing to do and that is my boundary I have set for myself.
So basically, my partner lied to me, right? What am I to do? My gut feeling is to end things with him because he isn't staying the whole time in rehab that he is supposed to.
You see, in his mind, he needs to get back home to get the other 12 teeth pulled while he is still on his mother's insurance but his coverage doesn't end until the end of September! If he stays the whole 28 days, he has two weeks before he starts back to college to get that done and then he has his day off from school on Wednesdays for after care visits to the dentist. THIS should be the plan.
My heart hurts when I can clearly see how an addict's mind works and how manipulative they can be.
Now all of this is closing in on me because my parents will be here in 48 hours and are staying for a week. (See earlier post.) If he leaves rehab early he can't stay here. And all of this was decided before he left that my parents should come and visit while he is gone.
Maybe a miracle will happen and he decides to stay. Please pray for me and with me that he does.
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Old 07-22-2009, 06:37 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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What you are hearing is the QUACK QUACK QUACK of addiction. He is STILL trying to MANIPULATE you to his world.

I am glad you stood by your boundaries and said NO. I would also suggest, although it will be VERY HARD that should he show up at your door, you NOT let him enter. No admittance. This would be another CONSEQUENCE of his erroneous actions in violating your boundary.

He's playing them, and THEY KNOW IT that is why they called. A lot of the 'counelors' that work in rehabs are recovering themselves, and have great BS detectors. Sounds like yours is working pretty good too.

Enjoy your folks visit, as much as you can, and leave SO to the counselors.

Don't forget your Al-Anon meetings, lol

Thanks for letting us know how YOU are doing, we do care so much.

GOOD JOB!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-23-2009, 10:19 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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So he's found a woman that is willing to let him stay with her when he elopes from rehab? Very typical addict behavior. He isn't ready for recovery. I'm sorry. End it and walk away with your sanity and most of your money intact while you still can. Don't get played any more. It's hard now, but if you wait, it will get even worse.

And he will be back, when this new friendship, or whatever it is (he may even be playing straight just to get to stay with her and get out of rehab, or he may have been playing gay just to get to stay with you. Impossible to tell sometimes when you are dealing with a lying addict) ends.

He'll come back, asking for money and a place to stay, claiming "I've finally hit bottom, I'll do whatever you say...I'm a broken man...I love you...You're the only one who can save me...blah, blah, blah, quack, quack, quack!

Just for today, can you let him go, and leave him to God's care, and get into your own recovery from codependence?

Love,
KJ
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:53 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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So basically, my partner lied to me, right? What am I to do? My gut feeling is to end things with him because he isn't staying the whole time in rehab that he is supposed to.
You don't have to decide this right now. Doing so is probably not advisable right now. Whether or not you choose to end it is not a decision of life or death, so all you need to do at this time is remind yourself of the boundaries you have set (hopefully you wrote them out. Do you know how to write out the three statements for boundary work? Let me know if not and I will send you what I have). Take this one step at a time. Forget about making a life-altering decision! Let him do what he is going to do, but meanwhile, you want to see your parents so focus on that. Don't let his actions and what he says control YOUR behavior. DON'T pick him up. Don't worry about his dental problem or how he should handle the medicine thing. (This dental thing is VERY common, especially for crack smokers and this facility should know how to handle this situation. You are not a professional, so let them handle it). Don't REACT emotionally or physically or psychically or anything. Don't let him see or hear your reactions. They feed on that. Just let him make his decision, let him make his own decisions about where he is going, who he will live with, whether or not to take meds. Keep reminding yourself of your boundaries, restate them to him "If you do this...I will do this...."

You will be fine.
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Old 07-24-2009, 10:14 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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