itisatruth

Hello ~ skip to the bottom for the gist of the issue

After reading a comment in another thread I felt I needed to get this out and am hoping for some words of wisdom and ES&H from you wise parents out there.

My 28 year-old step son moved back in with my AH and I several months ago. At first he was working, was hardly here, and contributed sporadically with money. It wasn't ideal, but it was workable.

Then, about 4 months ago, he got laid off. Not so workable now. These are the facts:

- He is receiving around $1800 a month on unemployment and his only bills are his car payment and cell phone (around 500-600).
- He is not paying rent or anything to us for anything - food, soap, toothpaste, you name it.
- He is usually broke. Today - he is sitting around the house because he has no money for gas or food or a cell phone (turned off).
- He helps out around the house if/when we ask him to - but we have to ask.
- He is not looking for work.

OK so that's all on him except.....

- About 3 months ago we paid $350 for his car to get fixed. He was supposed to pay us back but all we have gotten is $50.
- Our food/utility bills are higher with him here and we have been trying to get back on track with our own stuff so this is only added stress.
- He seems to always have money for marijuana - something that we worry about and are not OK with
- I feel he does not treat us with much respect.

My AH is working on finding recovery again. Finally going to NA and got a new sponsor. I have owned up to my part in things (trust and anger) and am working on staying detached and letting him work his own program while I do mine. But this is adding more stress because we are not on the same 'page'.

I want to put down some boundaries (which I have been wanting every time he has moved home in the past). But AH is afraid to because step-son becomes angry/rude when AH tries to talk to him. I think SS uses that as a way to keep us from asking him things. SS is also manipulative. We see it but don't confront him.

SO, AH and I had it out about this last week and agreed to think of some good, fair things we as parents should be able to expect from an adult child living at home. Then the plan is to ask him to sit down and talk to him about it and hear what he has to say....but honestly...we are still afraid to. AH has already made it clear that he is not willing to make him move out if he doesn't agree to our terms. He is so afraid of losing his love.

I don't trust myself on this because - although I love SS, he and I have had issues in the past because I tried to be a mom when he didn't want one.

The only parents I know in similar situations are also struggling with this as well - is there a fine line between enabling and helping?

What are reasonable expectations of an adult child living in your home?? Is it fair to ask for rent? Food money? Break up house chores? I feel strongly that I should not have to clean up after an adult. Do we treat him like a person renting a room?



PS - tried to make it short but it is partly venting too...

Learn2Live

This sounds just like the relationship I just got out of except he was my friend/boyfriend! It was very frustrating! I have lived with two different brothers and their wives before when I got laid-off and was receiving an unemployment check, and without being asked, I always cleaned up after myself, I did not borrow money from them, I wrote them a check each month (although it was not much), I mowed the lawn some of the time, I paid for my brother's air conditioner to be fixed, I bought my brother a pair of shoes that had better support, and I tried to stay out of their hair. During that time I was in active recovery from alcoholism and was attending Al-Anon meetings probably at least 5 nights a week. I was about 28 at the time. If your stepson is not stepping up to the plate to do these kinds of things without being asked, I think he's just letting you enable him. Whether or not it's mature of him at his age has nothing to do with it either, because it sounds like you believe he has a drug problem. It sounds to me like you want to help him but don't want to enable him, but I don't think there is a way to do one without doing the other. If you want to help him for your own sanity, your own reasons, your own self, etc., you have to find a way not to have any expectations of him because I think you're going to just be disappointed and therefore stressed out about it. If you don't want to enable him, well, you'd have to tell him to leave I think.

smacked

I only read your "gist" of the story..

An to answer your question, yes, he should be treated as a tenant, it is ridiculous for him to expect otherwise. You are now a landlord, he is not a child.

Now I'll go back and read the rest, I just didn't want it to cloud my post back to you

Wait, I have a basic question.. why is he living with you?

smacked

Sorry, went back and read that AH is scared to kick him out. I would say, become a landlord, treat him as the tenant that HE IS, and maybe he'll find that he prefers to live elsewhere on his own.. stop enabling him to live there!!

itisatruth

He is living here because....well...he told us he had to move out of his last place because his last roommate did not pay their share of the rent - talk about irony! But now that I think of it, that is only his side of it. I wouldn't want to live with my parents if I didn't have to. Perhaps we are making it too easy for him...?

I don't think helping him get back on his feet is so bad but I don't think that is what we are doing now....

Thank you

Learn2Live

Yeah, when their lives slowly start to fall apart, each thing that happens is always someone else's fault. Yeah, I think you are making it too easy.

winnie12

the big thing i read in all of this is that you "fear" him. Afraid of his reactions and over-reactions. That's one thing that you have to work on first. if you are afraid of him physically then he goes - bottom line. if you're fear is the emotional manipulation then you have to get over that - he's not acting like an adult so you must. I understand this completely - i have that same fear with my son but bottom line comes down to my home, my rules - doesnt matter what he says or thinks and if i show the least bit of fear then he will take advantage of that. think of it like dealing with an animal - if they sense fear they will attack - if they sense that you are over them then they are more likely to be docile. This adult child has been the pack leader for far too long in your home and its time for you or your husband to take over that role. it will take some time for him to get it but if you stand firm and never budge on what you say you will get further. negotiations are out - its now your way and not his.

outtolunch

Sounds like he has $1200 a month or so to blow on whatever he wants....cool beans for him.

He can easily repay your loan with his next unemployment check. Are you willing to impose consequences if he does not pay?

You can create a contract, that specifies room and board, when it's due and the consequences, if he does not pay. Are you willing to impose consequences if he does not pay?

All the boundaries in the world do not matter unless you are willing to impose conseqeunces.

ItsmeAlice

I kind of wondered the same thing...why did he move in with you?

He started out well enough, not the greatest, but well enough. I don't think it is unreasonable to tell him that is, at the least, what you expect from him...workable.

Your expectations of him are your own. He is going to do as little as he can get away with. What you can control are your boundaries in the situation, although boundaries are useless if they are not backed up when crossed.

Good luck. Being a stepmama is a balance between a rock and a hard place for sure.

Alice

jerect

itsatruth..

If you let him, he's gonna take over... he already has you and your DH afraid to make a move.. if you guys continue on, he will be running the show.

He is 28 years old.. very much an adult even if he isn't acting like one.. I would sit down with him and I would discuss Your rules.. YES! he should be paying rent.. YES! he should be buying his share of food, YES! he should be giving you money towards your utilities..

Times are tough right now and jobs are scarce but if one really wants to work, you can find work.. even if it means he has to flip burgers... it's an honest living and nothing to be ashamed about..

If there are drugs involved and Pot is a drug then I would be very clear about what my rules are.. Your hubby is a recovering addict himself.. the last thing he needs in his house is another addict...

Impurrfect

Just to give you an idea I'm a recovering addict, I work TWO jobs, and don't make, most months, what he is making in unemployment. I pay my dad $100/week in rent, I pay car payment, car insurance, 3 credit card bills, health insurance....etc. If my car breaks, I pay for it. Very rarely, my dad has helped if I didn't have money for something, but I paid him back ASAP.

This is partly due to the way I was raised, but also due to the fact that if I don't follow the rules, I don't live here....period. There have been times I couldn't pay rent...my hours were cut at work, I was sick, etc. and my dad let me "slide" on the rent since it doesn't cost him $100/week for me to live here. However, as soon as I could pay him again, I did. It's not the amount or whether it costs that much for me to live here. It makes ME feel better to be contributing. My dad is struggling with finances, right now, so not only am I helping him, but it's sort of like one of my amends to all the worry and grief I caused my family while I was out using.

As long as he is allowed to live like he's doing....he will keep doing it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

I've been in your shoes and today I have no idea why I tolerated it, but indeed I did for far too long.

What I did was set down not just boundaries for myself but rules of the house and gave him the choice of living by my rules (they were not up for debate) or living any place else and make his own rules. I told him I would love him just as much either way...and then when he continued, it was HIS choice not to live by my rules, which was a deal breaker and he had to leave. I didn't throw him out, he chose the "exit" option.

If you are anything like me, this will continue until you hit your "enough" point. Meanwhile, lock up your valuables and hide any medication prescribed to you.

Hugs

outtolunch

Good stuff, Ann.

itisatruth

I know you're all right....like I said I didn't trust myself with this because of the past issues we've had - and I felt like I wasn't being fair. AH would even say if it was my son (who is 21), I would be more "understanding". But I really feel I would want to do the same with him. So, thanks - I think I needed to see it in black and white from people who don't know us in real life.

Learn2Live

My experience and take on it is that it's unfortunate, frustrating, and a reflection of how "they", especially the addicts I've dealt with, think and behave, which causes you to have to make the rules in the first place. That's how they see everything: "What are the rules and requirements in this situation, and what is the minimum I have to do to get by and to live the way I want to live?" That is their dynamic in interpersonal relationships with everyone. They're just not on the same level as you, don't think like you, and don't see anything from anyone else's perspective. If they don't want to do what you are requiring, they think you are picking on them or being unfair. They don't care what the "right" or healthy thing to do is in any situation; they only care about getting what they want. It's really, to me, the primary reason you can't have ANY kind of personal relationship with any of them. It's not normal. It's sick. And if you choose to have them in your life, in any capacity-tenant, son, husband, boyfriend- that's what you have to accept in order to keep your sanity. You see he's even got you second-guessing what is normal in this very simple situation and having to ask others what their take is. His sickness is creating a disagreement between you and your husband that will probably soon escalate into an argument as you get more and more stressed out by the situation. I've spent my ENTIRE life thinking I'm too sensitive, or I must be crazy, or I must be wrong, and constantly asking others their opinions or looking for others' reactions because of their sickness.

Abundance

Truth..... looking on the outside is always so much easier to come with what is wrong / right.

Not to make excuses, but your RAH has no one in his life except you and his son and your son. So - I can 'understand' where he is worried about losing 'his' son now, too.

The thing is this - what is acceptable to YOU?! If you come from a place of YOU and show your H that him lovingly detaching is the best thing that can happen for him. Is there a kind way that you can ask him if he feels that his son is closely following his footsteps?

Your son, on the other hand, is independent... and not a worry - so don't even let him bring that up as a way to guilt you into not doing the same for both sons.

Truth...... help only those who are HELPING THEMSELVES!

Start with a date ... a date that he must get out.

What about explaining to your AH that by his son being there it is stagnating the healing of your marriage? Your H does not want to lose you and if this another drop in the bucket moving you further away - he will have some assessing to do.

Also - chica - you are home now where your H isn't .... so it's going to bother you more than him no doubt.

Has your H talked with his sponsor about this?

Thinking of you!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo

Chino

I agree with that and as I thought about it a little more, a question came to mind for itisatruth: do you and your husband have firm boundaries with each other?

itisatruth

His fears of losing and/or disappointing his son, I think, stem from his guilt/shame in not being as good a father as he thinks he should be, which SS has used to get things, IMO. So I understand why - but I really, honestly, truly believe SS needs to grow up - and not letting him do that is hurting more than helping. It's like AH is trying to buy SS's love - but you can't buy love or respect.....and I think we're losing his respect more than anything. Who respects doormats ya know??

I don't think he's talked to his sponsor about it but I talked to mine last night about it and shared on it. Got much of the same as here - from parents who had to do the same....like Ann....and said...put the choice out there....give him the choice to live in the household as a contributing member or find something else.

But again, if AH won't back it up - how can I enforce my boundaries? One thing I have done is stop cleaning up after him...and very soon....if AH doesn't get on board I will stop buying stuff for him too...like food - if we run out, AH can go to the store if he wants but I'm not going to go around spending my summer doing things for a person who doesn't give me the same respect while he hangs with his buddies all day watching movies and playing video games after leaving the bathroom dirty.

See....there I go, I get mad and resentful....then back off because I don't like that side of me - and I don't express myself to him because I'm afraid of confrontation and my own anger - I can be really mean when I get angry and feel terrible afterward. Sigh.

itisatruth

Couple other things I wanted to respond to....from winnie -- as far as being afraid of him - I'm not physically afraid of him at all - but AH and SS have come just short of physically fighting.....like pushing/shoving. It happened once, years ago when SS was getting in some serious trouble, he was around 20, and AH was trying to lay down the law....SS ran out of the house and we didn't see him for a while. So, yes....that is unacceptable from both of them. I wasn't home at the time.

But typically this is what happens nowThis happened yesterday before I posted)

AH found his expensive razors all spread out in our bathroom. Knowing SS had used them and left them messy...he went asked SS about it...within 30 seconds SS was raising his voice and changing the subject to how many razors AH uses....it was completely ridiculous how quickly he 1. put things off the real issue and 2. intimidated my AH into dropping it. When that happens I soooo want to jump in and stop the manipulation.

Chino, I have a boundary of no pills - but other than that - we don't have any others - at least not tangible ones.

Abundance

I know I know I know!!!! About being angry and not liking being in that head space.... it's SO much energy.

What I do see; however, is that you are also turning this anger into being assertive..... i.e. not cleaning up his messes .... (that is not being resentful).... it's being assertive!!!

Setting boundaries, what *you* will do and won't do, is a form of assertiveness that comes from anger....... it started with anger - but you have transitioned over to being assertive. And then you begin to feel guilty.

I give you permission (as I'm sure many people do)... give you permission to shove that guilt where the sun don't shine!!!!!!!! *wink!

Proud of you my friend!