I can't handle this..
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
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I can't handle this..
boy am I glad I didnt go visit abf tuesday...I find out today he was seeing another girl the same time he was with me...which only proves even more that he was just using me cause I am too nice. Maybe this had to happen. Maybe my HP is trying to make it easier for me to walk away but I really feel horrible about myself right now. Like I should be surprised this all happened in the first place?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I am sorry to hear how hurt you are feeling. It is true that the worse the behavior from the A, the easier it is to detach as needed.
Just remember, you are a beautiful and unique creation worthy of love and respect. Hugs and prayers!
HG
Just remember, you are a beautiful and unique creation worthy of love and respect. Hugs and prayers!
HG
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Please don't be hard on yourself ((alaia))....put this where it should be -- on him. He chose to lie, he chose to betray, he chose to do all the things that have gotten him where he is today. Yes, people can do to us what we let them do....but we also deserve a chance to learn from it, and like you said, maybe this is a way for you to finally cut ties with him and move on in your own life, for you, and do things just for you now. What happened, happened and there is no changing it.....what you can do is make sure it doesn't happen again. That is within your control. Now you have a chance to make a clean break and let your healing begin.
You are probably hurting right now - and I'm sorry you have to feel those feelings - but I do believe that freedom from the insanity is within your reach right now.....and the happiness that can come with it. Hugs~
You are probably hurting right now - and I'm sorry you have to feel those feelings - but I do believe that freedom from the insanity is within your reach right now.....and the happiness that can come with it. Hugs~
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yeah, the same exact thing just happened to me on Monday. I found out he spent the entire weekend with this woman. And all the while I had no idea. He tells me they slept in separate beds. He's even tried to use that one before and I forgave him! It hurts like hell, doesn't it? I feel used too, for way too long. I feel horrible about myself, maybe there is something wrong with me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't care about my feelings, how could he do this to me?! Especially after how caring and kind I have been trying to help him. You know what, though? None of that matters! You just gotta' let go and let God. I have been in recovery for about 12 years and I am just really working Steps 2 and 3. I don't know if you go to Al-Anon or other 12-step, I don't know how old you are or where you are in life, but I do know that you are a courageous person and you don't need this guy. Hold your head high, turn around, and walk away with dignity. Don't let him see you cry. Change your focus and look at yourself and your life and make up your mind what you want for your life and your future and go for it. It's a journey and it will lead you to places you have never dreamed of! Just put that sickness behind you and walk away. And one day soon, you will look back and wonder, "What the hell was I doing wasting so much time with that guy?"
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
There have been so many things that have come up over the last year that I have felt like a fool for completely missing the boat on.
When did that happen? Why didn't I see the signs?
If these things were happening to someone on a TV show, I'd be rolling my eyes and shaking my head at their obvious mistake. And yet, I've let so many little things roll by me because I was so focused on the giant elephant in the room (his addiction).
I'm sorry this is just coming out now, but I agree that sometimes when you need a push in the right direction, you get a big one from HP.
All good things in time. Stay strong.
Alice
When did that happen? Why didn't I see the signs?
If these things were happening to someone on a TV show, I'd be rolling my eyes and shaking my head at their obvious mistake. And yet, I've let so many little things roll by me because I was so focused on the giant elephant in the room (his addiction).
I'm sorry this is just coming out now, but I agree that sometimes when you need a push in the right direction, you get a big one from HP.
All good things in time. Stay strong.
Alice
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Girl, you have been through way to much with this guy.... I know it hurts but cut your losses and thank your HP that he is out of your life for good this time...
Think of it this way, he is now someone elses problem...
Hang in there..
Think of it this way, he is now someone elses problem...
Hang in there..
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Alaia 
boy am I glad I didnt go visit abf tuesday...I find out today he was seeing another girl the same time he was with me...which only proves even more that he was just using me cause I am too nice. Maybe this had to happen. Maybe my HP is trying to make it easier for me to walk away but I really feel horrible about myself right now. Like I should be surprised this all happened in the first place?
He should be ashamed of himself but that's his problem. You should be nothing but proud of yourself. You stayed true to yourself and if he took advantage of that them shame on HIM.
I'm constantly surprised and amazed at what addicts do. I refuse to berate myself or feel bad or feel like "I should have known". How could we know any of this insanity?
I'm sorry you're so miserable. Just do something nice for yourself when you are feeling so bad.
Hugs, KariSue
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I went through the same thing, seeing what appeared to be lip gloss on him, coming home way too late, and all the while thinking it was addiction...yeah to control and manipulation. The sad thing is addiction keeps us so focused on their state of mind we forget they could have impulse control issues that extend beyond chemicals. I am glad that he is someone elses' drama and that I can move on to a happier future.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
so I know this girls name and I went on facebook...her page was public and they have been going out for more than 3 months! It was all on her page the whole time. He left the sober house and moved in with her on April 28th and this whole time was pretending to be my boyfriend. He was driving my car and I was giving him $ for food because after child support and rent @ the sober house he didn't have enough left over for food. He even brought her to my house about 3 weeks ago. I gave him an extra a/c I had cause he didn't have one. He even talked about this girl as his "friend" all the time. He met her in his program and she relapsed a few months ago and almost died. If her roomate hadn't have come home she would have been dead. How can someone be so heartless. He stayed over my house with his son and we have spent time together after he had already been living with this girl. And here I felt sorry that he relapsed and thought it was my fault cause we had been fighting. Our main fight was that he wasn't treating me like a gf and now it all makes sense. I am so upset i don't even know what to do. I don't understand how someone could do this to another person. I am so stupid. Everyone told me to stay away...but I kept going back for more. when she was at my house I even asked him if something was going on with them and he was like no I love you, I wanna be with you. I would never cheat on you and for some reason no matter how many lies he told me in the past I always though he would never cheat. My last relationship ended the same way. I just wanna crawl in a hole in die right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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You are not stupid or hopeless or naive.....you were in love with man and wanted to believe that he was telling you the truth.
Stop looking on Facebook. It's like torturing yourself or picking at an open wound. You will never heal that way and you need to and deserve to heal from this.
There is no point in questioning the motives of someone who has no morals. There is no explanation. He behaved like a toad.
Sending huge hugs and healing prayers your way! One foot in front of the other to a bright and joy-filled future!!!
HG
Stop looking on Facebook. It's like torturing yourself or picking at an open wound. You will never heal that way and you need to and deserve to heal from this.
There is no point in questioning the motives of someone who has no morals. There is no explanation. He behaved like a toad.
Sending huge hugs and healing prayers your way! One foot in front of the other to a bright and joy-filled future!!!
HG
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Alaia I am so sorry for what happened to you.
This has nothing to do with you. Honey please dont think ill of YOURSELF. This man has a problem with himself. The best way to get over this is to keep telling yourself that you deserve better and you will NOT tolerate that kind of behavior. KEEP SAYING IT until you believe it.
I know that right now you are hurting but this man has been hurting you for a long time now. Its time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and figure out what will make you happy NOT WHO.
Work on yourself. Figure out why you feel so bad about yourself. Journal. Read. Redecorate your apartment. Find some kind of outlet to allow you to express yourself.
I started walking and I love it. Lets me get all the crap out of my head and just enjoy the day or weather or flowers or whatever I find myself being able to see on my walks.
You have to love youself so much that you will no longer allow people like that in your life. You said this has happened before. It will happen again and again until you are willing to change YOURSELF and love YOURSELF. Once you start doing that toxic people will avoid YOU. We attract what we are inside. If you are sick on the inside you will attract people that are sick too.
Take some time do some soul searching. Look back at your relationship and be honest about the red flags. So you can avoid that again at all costs.......
This has nothing to do with you. Honey please dont think ill of YOURSELF. This man has a problem with himself. The best way to get over this is to keep telling yourself that you deserve better and you will NOT tolerate that kind of behavior. KEEP SAYING IT until you believe it.
I know that right now you are hurting but this man has been hurting you for a long time now. Its time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and figure out what will make you happy NOT WHO.
Work on yourself. Figure out why you feel so bad about yourself. Journal. Read. Redecorate your apartment. Find some kind of outlet to allow you to express yourself.
I started walking and I love it. Lets me get all the crap out of my head and just enjoy the day or weather or flowers or whatever I find myself being able to see on my walks.
You have to love youself so much that you will no longer allow people like that in your life. You said this has happened before. It will happen again and again until you are willing to change YOURSELF and love YOURSELF. Once you start doing that toxic people will avoid YOU. We attract what we are inside. If you are sick on the inside you will attract people that are sick too.
Take some time do some soul searching. Look back at your relationship and be honest about the red flags. So you can avoid that again at all costs.......
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Alaia,
I've been cheated on many, many times - so many times that i've actually developed a nice break-up routine (starting with an over the phone conversation that says "its not me, it's you, we're through." I follow that with an emergency 911 galpal meeting for me to vent about what a jerk he was, in which they tell me "all men are the same and I'm wayyyy better than him anyway." I then give myself a calculated amount of grieving time: for every month I was with said jerkoff I allot myself one day, so if I was with said jerkoff for 6 months I'd get 6 days of alloted grieving time to sulk/listen to bad break-up songs/eat ice cream/etc..)
As cruel as this sounds, because I've created this almost robotic response to the painful betrayel of cheating, over time I've become extremely great at moving on. Of course I'll probably never be able to fully shake the feeling that eventually all men will cheat but what has helped me is at the beginning of any relationship I lay down my rule: if you cheat I leave.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but honestly any man who cheats on you when you've been supportive and loving is far too immature to be in a relationship. Give yourself the allotted grieving time and then focus on making yourself happy. Being single is actually really fun - and it's certainly better than being in a bad relationship!
Hugs & support,
Rach
I've been cheated on many, many times - so many times that i've actually developed a nice break-up routine (starting with an over the phone conversation that says "its not me, it's you, we're through." I follow that with an emergency 911 galpal meeting for me to vent about what a jerk he was, in which they tell me "all men are the same and I'm wayyyy better than him anyway." I then give myself a calculated amount of grieving time: for every month I was with said jerkoff I allot myself one day, so if I was with said jerkoff for 6 months I'd get 6 days of alloted grieving time to sulk/listen to bad break-up songs/eat ice cream/etc..)
As cruel as this sounds, because I've created this almost robotic response to the painful betrayel of cheating, over time I've become extremely great at moving on. Of course I'll probably never be able to fully shake the feeling that eventually all men will cheat but what has helped me is at the beginning of any relationship I lay down my rule: if you cheat I leave.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but honestly any man who cheats on you when you've been supportive and loving is far too immature to be in a relationship. Give yourself the allotted grieving time and then focus on making yourself happy. Being single is actually really fun - and it's certainly better than being in a bad relationship!
Hugs & support,
Rach
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 11
Obviously so many people have stood in the same shoes as you with your situation. I have been there too!
I will probably repeat a few things that each person has brought to this post.
I was with my AH 14yrs and in the last yr he was screwing around. I kept getting the "I'm not going to see her anymore", "I want to be with you".
I went through so many emotions along the way. I felt ashamed that this happened to me. I felt embarrassed around people. Then I went through the anger, "How could he do this to me?". "How could I keep believing that he wanted to be with me?"
My last straw came when I found out while he was in rehab that he was still seeing and talking with her. Then trying to tell me he could be friends with her. I have finally let go, I feel he made the decision. I had given opportunities time and time again to forgive him for this. He took advantage of my kindness and love.
He has been out of rehab for 1month now and I have started going out. I have finally started to talk to guys again. (Which is a great self-esteem booster). I am not looking to get into a serious relationship right now. I'm out here to enjoy myself. To find myself again, in doing that it is freeing.
I have recently had to deal with him talking about missing me. I just feel it is him trying to coax me back in, to have someone to use. I am not falling for it this time. A year of that was enough for me!
Be strong and realize how great of a person you are! That we don't need another person to be complete. Your job is to make yourself happy and do what is right for you!
I will probably repeat a few things that each person has brought to this post.
I was with my AH 14yrs and in the last yr he was screwing around. I kept getting the "I'm not going to see her anymore", "I want to be with you".
I went through so many emotions along the way. I felt ashamed that this happened to me. I felt embarrassed around people. Then I went through the anger, "How could he do this to me?". "How could I keep believing that he wanted to be with me?"
My last straw came when I found out while he was in rehab that he was still seeing and talking with her. Then trying to tell me he could be friends with her. I have finally let go, I feel he made the decision. I had given opportunities time and time again to forgive him for this. He took advantage of my kindness and love.
He has been out of rehab for 1month now and I have started going out. I have finally started to talk to guys again. (Which is a great self-esteem booster). I am not looking to get into a serious relationship right now. I'm out here to enjoy myself. To find myself again, in doing that it is freeing.
I have recently had to deal with him talking about missing me. I just feel it is him trying to coax me back in, to have someone to use. I am not falling for it this time. A year of that was enough for me!
Be strong and realize how great of a person you are! That we don't need another person to be complete. Your job is to make yourself happy and do what is right for you!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Alaia, You CAN handle this and you WILL handle this. This too shall pass. One thing that helped me the first time I was in your situation was that I realized he did not do ANYTHING to ME; he did it to HIMSELF. It is his life and if he wants to act in such a shameful way, if he decides to betray me and lie to me and use me, it has nothing to do with me, my worth, my beauty, anything. If that's how he relates to the rest of the world, boy is he in for a surprise. Let it go. She is NO better than you, and I can guarantee that he will do the same to her (and everyone else for that matter) as he has done to you. Keep your head up. Spend time with those you love. Spend time doing anything you enjoy. And you will get through this. Love ya'!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
One of my favorite " take no prisoners" posters refers to her "picker" as being broken. Given the choice between a solid guy and one on the edge, she always chose the edge.
My daughter is the same way.
I am the anti co-dependent when it comes to men. It's tough enough to take care of yourself, without having to take care of a man child, too. I could not imagine ( back in the day) being involved with a bad boy. Prison/felonies...no way. Drugs...no way. Excessive drinking...no way. Chronic unemployment....no way. Living off someone....no way. Can't make child support payments....no way. Needs to borrow money....no way. Can't clean/shop/do laundry....no way. No car.....no way. Revoked license....no way.
How about you?
My daughter is the same way.
I am the anti co-dependent when it comes to men. It's tough enough to take care of yourself, without having to take care of a man child, too. I could not imagine ( back in the day) being involved with a bad boy. Prison/felonies...no way. Drugs...no way. Excessive drinking...no way. Chronic unemployment....no way. Living off someone....no way. Can't make child support payments....no way. Needs to borrow money....no way. Can't clean/shop/do laundry....no way. No car.....no way. Revoked license....no way.
How about you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Alaia, You CAN handle this and you WILL handle this. This too shall pass. One thing that helped me the first time I was in your situation was that I realized he did not do ANYTHING to ME; he did it to HIMSELF. It is his life and if he wants to act in such a shameful way, if he decides to betray me and lie to me and use me, it has nothing to do with me, my worth, my beauty, anything. If that's how he relates to the rest of the world, boy is he in for a surprise. Let it go. She is NO better than you, and I can guarantee that he will do the same to her (and everyone else for that matter) as he has done to you. Keep your head up. Spend time with those you love. Spend time doing anything you enjoy. And you will get through this. Love ya'!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Ya' know, Alaia, you and me, we had the same thing happen to us pretty much last weekend. And guess what? We made it an entire week! We're still alive, the rest of the world is still turning, 
He does what he does and it doesn't affect us anymore! We are free to live our lives without all that mess! Yup, I cry and then I'm OK, and then I'm sad and then I cry and then someone calls me and on and on. Life goes on. Up and down. But we can do this WITHOUT them!!!
He does what he does and it doesn't affect us anymore! We are free to live our lives without all that mess! Yup, I cry and then I'm OK, and then I'm sad and then I cry and then someone calls me and on and on. Life goes on. Up and down. But we can do this WITHOUT them!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am the anti co-dependent when it comes to men. It's tough enough to take care of yourself, without having to take care of a man child, too. I could not imagine ( back in the day) being involved with a bad boy. Prison/felonies...no way. Drugs...no way. Excessive drinking...no way. Chronic unemployment....no way. Living off someone....no way. Can't make child support payments....no way. Needs to borrow money....no way. Can't clean/shop/do laundry....no way. No car.....no way. Revoked license....no way. How about you?
ALAIH, keep lookin!
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