kuljey

Well my husband is gone again. He is not using meth (like last weekend) and drinkin wiskey. Tonight he is at his nieces drinking. He hasnt even tried to look for a job...ive been even working extra hours. Bought him a cellphone cuz he sd couldnt look for a job w/o something to communicate with. I have not bugged him about money...i just have asked please help a little around the apartment. Nothing...ive asked for maybe 2 small things a day. His mother gave him 100.00..i have 1/4 tank left, he has used my car everyday..

I have been trying to be supportive. He has been going to NA meetings. Last night i took him, he didnt really want to go. He keeps saying he loves me.. wants to be with me...then bam.. bi polar personality comes out.

He despises me, i disgust him, i am stopping him from seeing his family, his daughter, playing his music. Im at work, he wont answer me. Hes being so mean.

hello-kitty

Sounds like you need a hug. (((hug)))

kuljey

gosh, i sure do. this is such a roller coaster.

BBD

Here's another hug hon and when your ready to get off that roller-coaster~~you will!! Smiles, Bonnie

ItsmeAlice

What the heck?

This going to NA and saying that he loves you sounds like a load of hooey!

This relapse seems to have taken hold regardless of what substance he has chosen to use this week.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

What's the plan going forward. Is he going back to rehab? Are you in charge of his attending NA meetings? What's up with that?

Oh sugar, we need to get some brainstorming going here and get you moving on your own recovery.

Keep posting. There's support and help here.

Alice

whereami

I agree, you have got to let go of this before it drowns you. What do you want to do, if you knew he would be the exact same a year from now?

Freedom1990

His mother gave him money. You let him use your car. You're the sole breadwinner. He's got a nice soft place to 'fall' (ie, your home). What makes you think he's going to get back into recovery?

outtolunch

Sounds like he is a man child expecting the world to take care of him. And you want an equal partner in a relationship.

You cannot control what he or his family, does or not. You can however, control your reactions.

If it were me, that cell phone would be canceled. The car would be off limits. The apartment would be off limits. I would get out of his way and let him figure it out, or not. If his family wants to sustain him, well then, that's their business. That's me. Only you can decide what's acceptable for you.

kj3880

Abso-friggin-lutely, I would have to let him go. He is not in recovery. Drinking is not part of the NA way! Addicts in NA are told that alcohol is a drug. We know that. He is still using. What are you getting out of this relationship? Even if he weren't using, why would you want to be with someone who treats you this way? Hint..."I love him" isn't good enough, is it? It isn't good enough for you to be in a relationship with someone who isn't showing you love back, is it? You can be in love with someone from a distance, and that's what I suggest at this point. Sounds like his Mom is still taking care of her baby. Let him go there, and change the locks! Tell him you'll reconsider (if you want to) once he has a year or so clean, of all substances, including alcohol! And is in treatment and consistently medication-compliant for his bipolar disease. That can bea real nightmare combined with the self-centeredness of addiction.

Love,
KJ

kuljey

None of this is acceptable. I know i am better than this. I know that hes very sick. I keep lettin myself get sucked back in when he cries, pushes me down (literally) then picks me back up n hugs me, tells me he loves me, tells me he doesnt want to leave.

Then.............kaboom. He goes nutso. I continue to think..ok, hes absolutely not gettin any better, time to go. Then the tone goes to nice..and im back in. Im sick myself arent i?!!!

This roller coaster is goin to cost me my d*amn sanity and my kids. I am like addicted myself to this doo-doo. My brain has to take control.

Then.... i go back down, listen, believe..Then even lower...abuse.

He is full of it. Why God does this have to happen?!

Yvonne

winnie12

Didnt sound like you expected much more with him coming home - he really didnt sound like he was in recovery. He places the blame of everything on you - even did in rehab - now is not going to be any different.

so radical thought here - how about you take yourself out of the situation and see if he has the same problems. My son blamed me for everything so i took myself out of the scenario and left him to himself. Once alone without me to blame he found he still had the same problems - of course now he blamed others but he didnt blame me anymore so it wasnt my problem anymore it was his. I'm not saying throw him out or leave him - that's not my choice to make but figure out a way to get out of his hula hoop - whatever that takes because if you dont you will end up going down with him. I tried to stay in my son's for a long long time. Lost 20 lbs, was getting sick, couldnt sleep, having panic attacks and night terrors - ended up under doctor's care just to keep from having my own mental breakdown. dont let that happen to you.

It is time to put yourself first and him second. It is time to take care of yourself because you are going down with him. Its time to stop listening to him and thinking about what he is doing and focus solely on yourself. He is not there for you right now - he is not capable of that so you must be there for yourself.

outtolunch

Aw, Kuljey.....

He's physically abusive, too?

You can decide to get off this Wild Toad Ride, anytime you want.

In other words, you can choose to save your self and kids, anytime you want.

Click those heels three times and repeat, "my kids and I are worth more than this and no man is going to define my value".

rover

I am going thru a very similar situation. I have been married to my ah for 8 years, we have 2 kids. He has always had an alcohol problem but now he has anger issues. He just came out of a psych institute and has been diagnosed with bipolar and alcohol dependency. He is now on 5 meds and still wants to drink. He has given me the same song and dance for years, " I know I need to slow down, I'm sorry". He is ok for a day or two, then back to the drinking and being an a** for awhile. Being mean and verbally abusive to myself and sometimes the children. Drinking and driving, nothing fears him. But then we give in and think ok this time it will be better. We never get off the rollercoaster of hell. They will say what we want to hear and as long as we keep letting them think that we are not going anywhere, they will continue to play their games. I am now only finally realizing that my life will probably never get better. That all the love i have for my husband just isn't enough anymore because mentally I can not take anymore of his actions or hurt. I see my children hurt and they do not deserve that. It is hard to take the step to get out, and i am hoping i can actually do it because i know i have to. Good Luck and we are all here for each other.

Learn2Live

Hi Kuljey. I totally relate to everything you are saying about your AH because I have just finished another 2 years of the same ping-pong game, the same rollercoaster ride, the same cyclone in and out of my home, with my XABF who is also addicted to crack cocaine, gambling, etc. A few days he is in my home, sleeps it off, comes back to earth a bit, then he's up doing something around the house for me, telling me how much he loves me and cares about me and thanks me for helping him, wants to cuddle with me, blahblahblah. Then the next thing I know, I'm taking my morning shower getting ready for us to spend the day together, and I hear the door slam. He's run out of the house in dirty clothes he got out of the basement, without having brushed his teeth or anything!!! And it all starts all over again. I don't hear from him for a week or so (crack, alcohol, gambling, women, God knows what else) and I clean up my house and my life, cry a little, cry a lot, pick up the pieces, just start getting some of my peace and serenity back, when out of the blue, he starts calling me with half-lies/half-truths, then he blows back into my life, wrecks my routine, my daily life, my sanity, and then, there we go, the whole thing starts all over again. I get sucked right back into it. I've been going thru this for 2 years straight and have finally had enough.

The odd part about it is he didn't start out as my BF but I had known him from childhood and teen years and when I "found" him again after having not seen eachother for some 20 years, he was a complete disaster, and I consciously decided I would help him. I just couldn't turn my back on that in good conscience. Well, try as I might, as far as I've come in life (a good 12 years sober myself, during which time I got some college degrees, and got a really good job), as strong as I thought I was, I got sucked into his sick life and have fought many times, exhausted, hurt, sick and confused, to climb back out. Each time I climbed out and got my senses about me, I would think "I can hold my ground, keep my serenity, and not fall for him emotionally again; I just want to help him and Jesus said it is the right thing to do." Right? WRONG. So for a few months now I've been struggling, between weekly panic attacks from even talking with him on the phone, with getting him out of my life, trying to get him to get all his stuff out of my house, trying to make up my mind to just grin and bear it and go through the pain all over again but THIS TIME be strong enough to be rid of him forever. I've made it 41 years without this person in my life, and I've done a damn good job working on myself and accomplishing things I am very proud of myself for accomplishing, I might add, and I certainly can go another 41 years without him. When you're ready, you're ready and until that time you will put up with it until you get to the point where you can't take it any longer. You know it's sink or swim. Then you take a deep breath and jump in, feet first. You make a choice, just as he has made a choice. My only advice is to read about rebuilding self-esteem and self-image and all that because that sickness affects you in ways you aren't even aware of.

Myself, I can't believe I'm 41 and going through this AGAIN. Eight relationships I've been committed to in my adult lifetime, smart enough to have never married 7 of them, sick and dumb enough to have not married the one healthy man I've ever been committed to, and here I am again, stepping out the door, starting at "GO". Life sure does bring you the same lessons over and over until you finally learn them. I still don't know what else I'm supposed to learn from this.

kuljey

wow!! so exact...exactly what im goin thru. im sorry if i missed it. but im semi-brain dead-ru out of this relationship?
my anxiety/panic is every darn day now.

this is just so hard... his drug problems are just way too much. hes the devil when he drinks. but...its always me.

Yvonne

kj3880

I have recently been through a brief, abusive relationship. The only reason it was brief is because I was already in recovery, so I had enough self-esteem and self-knowledge to get out quickly. I was very ashamed, though, that I allowed it to continue for the month that it did. He took advantage of my desire to fit in with other people in NA while in early recovery and used that to hook me in. And I was weak enough to go for it. I let myself be alone in a room in a recovery house with him (people-pleasing, I knew better, I knew he was still really sick), and I got raped. After that, I was so ashamed I didn't call a rape a rape, didn't report it, and let him pervert it into a relationship.

I was then regularly hit in the face when he didn't get his way (I wouldn't give him my hard-earned money ever, and this enraged him). When I tried to break up with him, he wouldn't let it happen. I had to threaten to have him arrested to get him to stop coming over to my home. Then he stalked me for 6 months.

This only recently ended when I found enough nerve to tell a close male friend in recovery what had really happened just a month ago. He started staying near me all the time when the ex came to my NA meetings and tried to talk to me/touch me. Eventually, this ended up in a physical confrontation between my ex and my friend at a meeting. It was so embarrassing, but that is what it took to get him out of my life. He turned out to be a typical bully: happy to hit me, a small woman, but not wanting a fight with a full-grown man. Cowardly.

I'm done with it now, and I am so glad. He's back out there using heroin again, and I'm over a year clean now.

I'm only telling you this so that you can understand you aren't alone. And you aren't dumb. Just Codependent. We need our own type of recovery from this. Have you tried any meetings for this? Naranon or alanon can be very helpful. We do recover from codependency, with constant vigilance, just for today. It can happen for you, too.

Love,
KJ

Learn2Live

Yvonne/Kuljey, I am now two days out of this relationship. I FINALLY got him to get the rest of his stuff out of my house and off my yard Tuesday afternoon. Now he has no reason to call, no reason to come around, nothing. When he was at my house getting stuff from the garage and yard, I kept all the doors locked and would not look at him. When he had to come get his furniture out of the house, I opened the door and walked down the street, and sat on my neighbor's steps. I will not look at him, nor will I answer any of his calls. The last time I was able to keep him out of the house, I asked him to get the rest of his stuff (there were probably still about 6 truckloads left); I can't tell you how long ago that was but it's been an on-going thing (he takes little by little). But somehow or another, it seems while my back was turned because I was focused on MY life, he would slip back in. He's done this so many times but I don't realize it is happening until the cyclone has already ripped through and torn up my life and home. Each time, what he does and what he tells me hurts like hell. He only tells me half the story and leaves me to fill in the rest. I'm no dummy.

I don't know anything about meth, but I have learned a lot about cocaine. You describe your AH as bipolar. He may very well be, and I am no clinician, but here is a link to a doctor's web site. He wrote a book about cocaine recovery and in it (chapter 3) he describes the cycle and the stages they go through. Reading it helped me understand my ex'es behavior, and what it was doing to me and why he would be nice one day and then an obnoxious #*^%) the next. Here is the website (SR won't let me post a link):

paulearley.net/Everyone/
Click on the Cocaine Recovery Book Chapter 3.

I don't know much about you and your situation but if that man is hitting you, or beating you, or your children, you need to quietly get some help. Avoid the drama, keep quiet, and get some help. There are a lot of places that can help you.

kuljey

So... now, he had taken off to do some bad stuff. His best friend (who "he had TOLD" what he went to do according to what he said) has 1 year of sobriety today received a call from my addict husband, his BF got upset about what he was doing. I had written him an email askin for his prayers, we do occasional bible studies together and knowing my husband since high school he knows him well. According to AH i can always talk to him, no matter what. BUT now that the BF is not smoking M, drinking, and has been studying the Bible and really turned his life around--the BF told him that he didnt want his lies, drama, and the devils work away from him. MY addict husband is furious. Told me i am ruining every aspect of his life. His daughter (remember that story,) mother is always crying, his BF, sobriety, relationship w/his family, music.

I MUST BE SOME FREAKIN MONSTER!!!


:rotfxko

kuljey

kuljey