Husband Gone Again...Drinking.. Etc
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Unless scapegoat means the same thing as monster, I think you're way off base here!!
You haven't done a thing but try to understand what is happening to him and reaching out to anyone you think might lend a helping hand or a comforting shoulder.
He has guilt, tremendous crippling guilt over relapsing and all the hurt he has caused. He cannot cope with his own negative emotions. This is probably what got him using in the first place as is the case with my ABF.
You know how when you have a song that gets in your head and repeats itself over and over and over. Some say the only way to get rid of that song is to give it to someone else. Sing or hum it in an elevator full of people and by the time you get to your destination, it will be gone and someone on that elevator will now be tortured by the tune.
When my ABF cannot get the numbing effect he desires from alcohol, he turns his hurt on me. He yells, rants, and raves. He always seems eerily satisfied when I'm left crying in my room. It has taken these months of recovery for me to realize that it is the transferring of his anguish onto me that makes him feel better when booze won't do it.
I know he's the loudest voice in the room right now, honey, but you've got to find the strength to drown him out. Let him deal with his own emotions, you have enough on your plate.
Alice
You haven't done a thing but try to understand what is happening to him and reaching out to anyone you think might lend a helping hand or a comforting shoulder.
He has guilt, tremendous crippling guilt over relapsing and all the hurt he has caused. He cannot cope with his own negative emotions. This is probably what got him using in the first place as is the case with my ABF.
You know how when you have a song that gets in your head and repeats itself over and over and over. Some say the only way to get rid of that song is to give it to someone else. Sing or hum it in an elevator full of people and by the time you get to your destination, it will be gone and someone on that elevator will now be tortured by the tune.
When my ABF cannot get the numbing effect he desires from alcohol, he turns his hurt on me. He yells, rants, and raves. He always seems eerily satisfied when I'm left crying in my room. It has taken these months of recovery for me to realize that it is the transferring of his anguish onto me that makes him feel better when booze won't do it.
I know he's the loudest voice in the room right now, honey, but you've got to find the strength to drown him out. Let him deal with his own emotions, you have enough on your plate.
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Rio Rancho, NM
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Originally Posted by kj3880 
Iso I had enough self-esteem and self-knowledge to get out quickly.
wished i could be the same
I was very ashamed, i am as well now!
I was then regularly hit in the face when he didn't get his way (I wouldn't give him my hard-earned money ever, and this enraged him). MY AH SEEMS TO CON ME PRETTY WELL OUT OF MONEY. PROMISES PROMISES...I WILL GET A JOB.
He turned out to be a typical bully: HE IS A BIG OLE BULLY ALSO.LOVES TO THREATEN. EVEN AS FAR AS CALL PPL TO TELL THEM IF HE GETS PUT IN JAIL TO COME "TAKE CAR OF ME."
wished i could be the same
I was very ashamed, i am as well now!
I was then regularly hit in the face when he didn't get his way (I wouldn't give him my hard-earned money ever, and this enraged him). MY AH SEEMS TO CON ME PRETTY WELL OUT OF MONEY. PROMISES PROMISES...I WILL GET A JOB.
He turned out to be a typical bully: HE IS A BIG OLE BULLY ALSO.LOVES TO THREATEN. EVEN AS FAR AS CALL PPL TO TELL THEM IF HE GETS PUT IN JAIL TO COME "TAKE CAR OF ME."
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
My grandmother told me THE best advice i've ever heard: people do what they want to do. I'm a complete control freak but I totally mean well. I can tell you're very compassionate and caring, and obviously you want your husband to be okay, but right now you need to focus on YOU being okay. As they say, if you love someone, set them free, if they love you, they'll come right back into your arms.
Stay safe!
Hugs & support,
Rach
Stay safe!
Hugs & support,
Rach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Rio Rancho, NM
Posts: 83
[QUOTE=Learn2Live;2290855] But somehow or another, it seems while my back was turned because I was focused on MY life, he would slip back in. He's done this so many times but I don't realize it is happening until the cyclone has already ripped through and torn up my life and home. Each time, what he does and what he tells me hurts like hell. He only tells me half the story and leaves me to fill in the rest. that is what happens to me...i think i am strong..then...wow..im sucked in. Its all my fault this that..after that.
QUOTE]
QUOTE]
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
This is just awful. Threatening to have people come and take care of you if he goes to jail! Sounds just like my ex. One time, he was desperate to get me to give him money. Well that is just something that I don't believe in, so I wouldn't. He told me "give me your address then. I said "You know where I live. Why do you need the address?" my ex said "So when I go break the law to get the money I need, I can write you from jail if I get caught."
Writing that, it sounds so ridiculous that I can't believe I didn't kick his sorry butt outta my life at that second. But when we're caught up, it somehow becomes normal to us. Just think honey, if you get rid of him as I did, you can be sitting here in a few days with us laughing at the silly things he said and did and thanking God you had the sense to get out! Put an ex in front of that abf!
And trust me, I'm no strong hero type, just a girl who got sick and tired and had enough!
Love,
KJ
Writing that, it sounds so ridiculous that I can't believe I didn't kick his sorry butt outta my life at that second. But when we're caught up, it somehow becomes normal to us. Just think honey, if you get rid of him as I did, you can be sitting here in a few days with us laughing at the silly things he said and did and thanking God you had the sense to get out! Put an ex in front of that abf!
And trust me, I'm no strong hero type, just a girl who got sick and tired and had enough!
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by kuljey
None of this is acceptable............. i am better than this.
Whether he's sick or not, that is not an excuse to do the things he's doing.
I'm posting this link because when I read your posts, that roller coaster sounded a whole lot like the cycle of domestic violence....which can be verbal, emotional, physical. Blaming the victim is a form of control. By blaming you he is trying to keep you on the roller coaster. Many people have gotten into this type of relationship and had trouble getting out.
This is just one site, there are many out there.
Domestic Violence
My abusive ex was a master at getting me to feel sorry for him. It was always "poor me" and it's not my fault. When really, most things he brought on himself.
Once I had decided I had enough, I took small steps....started moving my valuables into storage so he wouldn't know, got my own bank account, started saving money, then found a place to stay that he did not know about so he could not contact me. No contact made it impossible for him to try to get me back, make promises he wouldn't keep, and make me feel sorry for him. It was hard and it took a while to finally get him out of my life but it was waaaaaaaay passed time.
And here's another hug from someone who's been there too....
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He hasnt involved the kids at all. I finally heard from him this a.m. from the whole weekend. His question was "What do we have in common or agree on?" I answered. He then says he will be home so chill.
What the heck.............. he is gone all weekend and.... uggg.
His mother has spoken to him and has seen him. She said he stayed at his dads house because it was quiet and peaceful AND wasnt coming home cuz we will just argue.
IN LIMBO still!
What the heck.............. he is gone all weekend and.... uggg.
His mother has spoken to him and has seen him. She said he stayed at his dads house because it was quiet and peaceful AND wasnt coming home cuz we will just argue.
IN LIMBO still!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Quiet and peaceful, whatever. He only went there so that he could sleep off his binge and he couldn't do that at home because he knew he'd have to face the consequences of his actions. Is his mother trying to make it seem like she agrees with him that you're the 'problem'? If so, she is in denial.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You know i've said this to several addicts in my life:
"If I am the reason you drink/use, if living at MY home makes you miserable, if what I do makes YOU hit me, if I am the root of YOUR problems and YOU would be happy if YOU didnt have to be around ME then YOU should leave - in fact I INSIST that YOU leave for YOUR own good because I want YOU to be happy."
You do what you want but I've walked around with the blame target on my back long enough and it was up to me to take that target off my back. The only way i found to do that was to get out of the way of the the person who was using me as a target. Guess what has happened every single time? They found themselves with the exact same problems but with different people to blame. The same things they said about me they suddenly said about others but I didnt have to deal with it anymore.
My son's history went like this:
1. If I could live anywhere but with you mom everything would be fine - i would rather be in jail then live with you - its all your fault mom. So he went to jail.
2. If i could just be anywhere but jail then everything would be fine - I would rather be in rehab then jail - its the Judges fault and your fault i'm here. So he went to rehab.
3. If I could be anywhere but rehab everything would be fine - I would rather be in jail then rehab - its the rehab's fault. So he went back to jail.
4. Then he said if I could just be home with you mom instead of jail or rehab then everything would be fine - its the judges and PO's fault. Too late - he's staying in jail - ITS HIS FAULT!!!!!!!
See - no matter where he is he has to blame someone because if he doesnt then he will have to realize its HIM and his fault and personally i think that's the hardest step for any addict,
"If I am the reason you drink/use, if living at MY home makes you miserable, if what I do makes YOU hit me, if I am the root of YOUR problems and YOU would be happy if YOU didnt have to be around ME then YOU should leave - in fact I INSIST that YOU leave for YOUR own good because I want YOU to be happy."
You do what you want but I've walked around with the blame target on my back long enough and it was up to me to take that target off my back. The only way i found to do that was to get out of the way of the the person who was using me as a target. Guess what has happened every single time? They found themselves with the exact same problems but with different people to blame. The same things they said about me they suddenly said about others but I didnt have to deal with it anymore.
My son's history went like this:
1. If I could live anywhere but with you mom everything would be fine - i would rather be in jail then live with you - its all your fault mom. So he went to jail.
2. If i could just be anywhere but jail then everything would be fine - I would rather be in rehab then jail - its the Judges fault and your fault i'm here. So he went to rehab.
3. If I could be anywhere but rehab everything would be fine - I would rather be in jail then rehab - its the rehab's fault. So he went back to jail.
4. Then he said if I could just be home with you mom instead of jail or rehab then everything would be fine - its the judges and PO's fault. Too late - he's staying in jail - ITS HIS FAULT!!!!!!!
See - no matter where he is he has to blame someone because if he doesnt then he will have to realize its HIM and his fault and personally i think that's the hardest step for any addict,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by kuljey
IN LIMBO still!
Is any of this acceptable to you? If not, then start taking the necessary steps to get away from him and his active addiction.
Stop giving the power to him, and start making decisions in the best interest of you and those precious children. :ghug2
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Originally Posted by kuljey
IN LIMBO still!
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Update...well, i havent seen my AH. I did talk to him, he was feeling sooo soo awful. Then...i guess he found liquor at his dads trailer. I had no idea he was even beginning to drink, i was about to go pick him up. We started talking, and BOOM he started to lecture me about my behavior. How he cant stand a weak woman, he needs a strong woman, one who isnt outspoken, and if we go to peoples houses and i reject food offered he "wants to just shove my face in it and make me eat it." Then of course, he decided to just be a major jerk!
Headache is not goin away...
Headache is not goin away...
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Originally Posted by kuljey
How he cant stand a weak woman, he needs a strong woman, one who isnt outspoken, and if we go to peoples houses and i reject food offered he "wants to just shove my face in it and make me eat it." Then of course, he decided to just be a major jerk!
give me directions to where he is - i'd drive all night to shove something in his face - and it aint gonna be a plate of food!!! lol. sorry - i know i'm supposed to be nice and supportive and give words of wisdom but i'd rather pop him upside his head.
Do you have anywhere you can get away for a few days - a friend, family member - anywhere you can escape the craziness for a few days? If not - think about not answering his phone calls for a while. Or what i do is as soon as the abuse starts up on the phone i say "i'm done now" and hang up or just set the phone down and walk away - sooner or later they realize that no one is listening to their rantings.
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well got this urgent call...caller kept calling, calling, calling. i work for a bank call center so i cant answer. i jumped off phone, didnt know if it was regarding my children. it was Ah. He had broken his phone and i needed to "do something about it." I told him im not on break and would have to call back. He tried the guilt trip on me..my fault for breaking it. Geez... when can my headache go away. I KNOW I KNOW only I can do it!! boy howdy..this is a hard one.
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Are you in anyway starting to see the humor in his behavior? Seriously sometimes we really try so hard to see logic in the addict when its just ridiculous behavior. I'm not condoning making fun of addicts (so please dont anyone get their feathers ruffled) but this guy is getting comical in his blame.
Start saying these phrases to yourself over and over and then when the situation arises you may find yourself actually saying them outloud to him.
1. That's not my problem.
2. I cannot help you.
3. No.
Start saying these phrases to yourself over and over and then when the situation arises you may find yourself actually saying them outloud to him.
1. That's not my problem.
2. I cannot help you.
3. No.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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OMG! Emergency! Someone call 911! My phone is broken!!! Give me a break. What a brat! I'd tell him to take care of it himself. Except of course if he's going to hit you for saying that. Like doing your work, AT WORK, isn't stressful enough for you without him calling about his stupid phone.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
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Are you going to a counselor or to alanon or anything? I really feel that you need to do something to help yourself learn that you deserve so much better than this. This is horrendous abuse he is putting you through and you don't deserve it. Do you know that? Do you know that you could be with someone who would treat you kindly and with respect?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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I just can't help but saying that this guy is just an abusive and manipulative jerk and I don't think addiction or not makes a difference. Sometimes addiction gets too much credit and it's a good excuse for us codies to stay because we believe they are sick and need help. But some people are just jerks and he sounds like one....
He also sounds dangerous...
He also sounds dangerous...
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