littlebird77

I am getting so tried. ABF had been clean off heroin for almost a year with a few relapses (he was in jail, so I have a hard time counting that as clean time because it is so forced. He suddenly went on Suboxone... No program, no sponsor, nothing... The doctor gave him blood pressure medicine, his name was on the bottle, he showed me the amount he took, I counted the pills, but he was sweating so much and kept nodding out I was sure he was on dope. He swears he is not. He took four Soma the other day that were his mom's because she is a pill popper seller herself and I could hardly carry a conversation with him.... I have become so tired. I told him all the past has taken a toll on me and I still don't trust him. I ask him to work a program and he says he needs a place to live to do that. I told him to get a job and rent a room.... Every other day he is going to doctors finding out all the long term effects of his addiction... I am feeling that I am getting at my lowest. I am so surprise because this is the cleanest he has ever been and I am hitting my low... How weird is that?.... I told him to leave me alone. He says I don't love him... I do, I just want to be left alone for a while... He said that I would just find another man, and I respond that I want to work on myself and to leave me alone...

Wascally Wabbit

Well, living with an a does tend to wear you out. Eventually we have no strength to keep up the constant "minding" of the addict. They make excuses, blame us for their problems, and life becomes unmanageable for us!
We want and need peace. One day we just can't bear another day of chaos, and we then just don't care any more. It's like you've spent all this time "mourning" the relationship you wish you could have, only to realize it was never there to begin with.

greeteachday

I found that when the addiction was running out of control and life was constant stress and drama, that my adrenalin level was super high and I was in survival mode. When the worst danger was past but I was still dealing with early recovery...semi-clean...addict thinking and PAWS, that was when I crashed too...Just could not do it all any more. My bottom came when things started to calm down a little bit. Prior to that I was numb, and when the feelings started coming back, I could no longer deny how bad things were. Maybe you are feeling a little of that?

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to have that time alone...it sounds like just what you need. Hugs

BackToMe

I've been feeling the same way myself. I give him mixed signals because I still care but at the same time he's cleanER not CLEAN so he's not stable enough for me to jump right in.
I am SO tired and, I guess, just have nothing left to give - I too need a break. I need time focus on me and get closer to God. I have to have faith that, in time, everything will work itself out for the best. Maybe in the future we'll be together but right now there is still too much turmoil and I have no patience for it, I just want it gone for awhile.
A little peace will do wonder for us both.
Sending good thoughts and prayers your way,

littlebird77

This is EXACTLY how I feel.
Any advice on what I could do?
He thinks we are broken up and honestly I don't care what he thinks. I feel like if I am not left alone I will crack. I have this feeling in my body like I am going to blow my top if I see or hear another thing associated with a relapse.

I've been intensively working on step four, but I feel that this is bringing me further down. Or maybe that is what I need right now so I can put this behind me?

Thank you!

littlebird77

Wow it is so weird that two people and I am sure A LOT more are going through the same thing. I wonder how many of the same prayers God hears from different people.

darkwater

Its amazing how many times a day God hears prayers of "help" and "I need advice" from all of us! I think its quite amazing because I know he's taking care of us all.

I felt the same way with my abf.... you get to a point where you just don't care what they think anymore because you are just so run down!! My advice is if you need the time to yourself to rebuild then take it. Don't let him change your mind or tell you otherwise. We have listened to them manipulate us so many times before... for once really stick to your guns and get something that you really want out of your relationship - some time off. You will really appreciate it and feel so much better if you rebuild yourself first. I will pray for your recovery as well as his.

Learn2Live

Thanks everybody for posting these! Because I had NO IDEA I was't the ONLY person on earth who was so exhausted by my XABF who is also a cocaine, etc addict. I just never even thought anyone else was so wiped out; I THOUGHT IT WAS ME and all my personal and mental health issues and all my limitations and my inabilities that were causing me to not be able to deal with having this person in my life!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

whereami

I feel like in 1 year my addict put me through such a whirlwind it felt like 10 years easy...I felt like I was overanalyzing everything and that everything meant something else or had some hidden agenda. If he came home and threw his clothes in the wash right away was he cheating or did he spill something that I would smell? When he stayed in the bathroom for 20 min running the water was he getting high or texting a girl? It drove me nuts and the whole time I was pregnant and dependent on him for half the bills. It sucked and I tell you any day of stress now with my new little one or my parents is nothing compared to the insanity I endured with him. I know exactly how you feel and yes, you deserve and WILL find better.