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Old 07-05-2009, 07:51 PM
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Withdrawals

Hi, everyone. When I found my way to this forum, I had filed for divorce from my AH and I was seeking healing for me. Learning to live without the addict in my life. During that time my AH was doing his thing and contined to fall further down. There was the occasional phone call from him, the times when he needed food, help with his checking account and other mandane request. I stood my ground and sometimes failed, but always picked myself up and continued working on me. This past week he checked himself into a rehab. I'm not sure how to feel. One part of me wants to be supportive but then there is the part of me that thinks he just checked out of reality cause life was getting tough for him. Maybe that is what was suppose to happen for him to really want recovery and own it, but it has left me with having to deal with his financial responsibilities that we agreed upon when we filed the uncontested divorce papers.

Here I am tonight and the stress of this past week and the holiday has finally hit. It is almost like I am having withdrawals from not having the addict in my life. I want the phone to ring. . .for nothing else just so I can say No I'm not coming to pick you up (after all I was just getting the hang of that). It all seems so overwhelming!

I am just beginning my own recovery and am still working on Step 1. I am powerless over it all. . .and I have never felt more lost in my life, but at the same time a very calming feeling is overcoming me, because I finally really truly get it! I guess what I am describing as withdrawals is all apart of the process. However, tonight I am heartbroken and missing the man I love. . .even in the current state of his addicted mind.
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Old 07-05-2009, 08:59 PM
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I understand completely how you are feeling. It has been 3 weeks since my A has moved out and he is 3000 miles away. He contacted me on Thursday night stating that he was getting his recovery back in order.... has an addiction specialist and has come clean about everything with his new doctor. Essentially, he is getting his life in order. But that was the last contact - and it's only been 3 days - but it feels like it's been much longer than that.

I still get those feelings of withdrawal.

I have learned that the healthiest move is to "feel" these feelings. Accept them for what they are- observe them. As much as we want these feelings to go away or to STOP - I know that if I don't work through them as they are happening - they will just build and manifest within.

Tonight I am full of a lot of emotion ... and as much as I kind of want to hear from A ..... I'm scared to, at the same time. Ya know? And you know what? With A's - the one thing you CAN count on - is predictability of the unpredictable. So... lets just say he DOES contact me - it will more than likely be not for the reasons/feelings I would be hoping for. There are those expectations!!!! (resulting in future resentments)

So - I come to SR - and this is where I get my HEALTHY fix ... and know that I'm not alone, and that these feelings are PART OF THIS PROCESS.

I ACCEPT THEM.

Oh... and another thing - I also look at what other things in my life are possibly not quite right - whether I'm over tired- hungry - not satisfied in where *I* am in my life ..... and do a check in to make sure I'm not using these feelings of missing him as a way to avoid what I'm not really wanting to look at within myself.

I'm VERY tired.. and I'm under a bit of stress that I'm not wanting to deal with - and I realize that I very well could be putting my energy into something I can't control - because I'm so scared to face what I really CAN control.

So... I am tired... and tonight - I'm going to put together a list of what I am going to do tomorrow - and then get to bed early. That should take out the TIRED factor!
HALT - is a good way for me to do "check-ins" with myself. Am I hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired?

Tonight - I'm tired.

~ Peace ~
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:17 PM
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Abundance, thank you for sharing. This is just the advice I was needing. As I thought about what you have written, I realized that I am a little stressed over a conversation with my boss, who has decided to turn her retirement papers in, and that means more changes. Plus, it has been a stressful holiday weekend. So, thank you for putting this in perspective for me.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:11 PM
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Black Sandals

I put on my black sandals.........

YouTube - little black sandals - sia

I'm being dragged down
Down by the hand
The hand of a golden giant man

He's crushing my knuckles and splitting my skin
He says he will let go if only I ask it of him

He says girl it's your call
You wanna fly
You wanna fall

So I shout I wanna get away from you as fast as I can
I tell my feet to move it
I hope they have a plan

These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today

So now I'm free
Free from the big bad giant who was stalking me

Thank you feet for guiding me
I'm glad somehow I've got brains down there at least

These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today

Sometimes I'm tempted
Sometimes I am
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man

Oh
He was a line between pleasure and pain
But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today
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Old 07-06-2009, 09:58 AM
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When i first found out about my boyfriends addiction - i becamse obsessed with knowing everything about it. After about 2 weeks of not eating and have uncontrolable anxiety and reading everything i could possibly find on the internet about addiction and opiates and relationships with addicts, etc, i found this site.

The one thing that i heard/read over and over again was focus on yourself. Help yourself. It made me reflect on my behavior and i began to think that i was addicted to my boyfriends addiction. And it was doing nothing but driving me insane, and straining our relationship even more.

So i started focusing on my diet, my workouts, my finances, MY problems, not HIS. The people on this site have given me such fantastic advice, and reading other peoples stories have really put my own in perspective. Stick around, the support here is amazing.
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