riaerif

Okay, so there was stuff going on today and I wanted to talk to my mom about looking at the Step 1 stuff and how I'd learned I had a lot of work to do and I wanted to talk with her about it so she'd be proud of me and see that I'm awesome and all and guess what????

I kept my mouth shut! Woot woot me!!!!!!!!!!

This is my journey. Not hers. This is me trying to get better. I mean... good luck to her and all with her meetings but there's no way in hell I'm letting her in anymore. I've let her crap taint my life for way too long and yeah, maybe in my mind she would have been thrilled and told me how proud she was of me and how much she hopes I can forgive her for being so frikkin' self-centered and full of poo for more than half of my life. But it's a fantasy.

She's an addict. Recovering, yeah, but she's still an addict and she IS selfish because... well that goes hand in hand. Just because she quit the drugs doesn't make her not selfish. Trying to get better does, though, and I sincerely hope she's doing that and not just blowing smoke to look good to people like she does so much of the time.

So there I was, on the verge of saying something and I knew what I wanted was not fair to her or me and I knew it was all about these expectations that I'm not supposed to have and then it was all yay because I didn't let her in on it because she has no place in it.

I'm screwed up, not because of what she did so much as what I did to survive it. I became someone I don't like. I became the ying to her yang and her yang is really screwed up.

So maybe this isn't a big deal, but it feels that way to me. I'm still not sure I want her in my life at all, but I do know that I want her drama out of it.

I just pray I can stick this out because I know this is a tiny itty bitty step in this very long process that I've been looking for.

I think back to when I first stopped in and fussed at all of you more than a year ago and it's scary how far I have NOT come from that time.

But... anyway, I'm off to bed and just had to share with you that I'm not sharing anything with HER. This is about me and it's so nice that something finally is.

Rianestorm

Wow! Congrats, that IS a big deal. There are times when I want so badly to talk to my Mom about how I'm skrewed up and how I'm trying so hard to fix it. But then I remember how all those talks went before.

She would cry about how I thought she was the worst Mother in the world then I would reassure her. And then I would just feel guilty for upsetting her and angry because she made it all about her again. But I still want to talk to my mom you know? Sometimes you have to seperate your healing from them if you want it to continue. God, here I am talking about me (slaps head) but all I'm trying to say is that I really get how huge a thing this is. And how hard it is. You deserve a big pat on the back.

riaerif

LOL, Rianestorm! No, I like that you're talking about yourself. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Of course... I did JUST talk to her a little bit about it, but not about being on here or trying to work the steps. But that's because she came over to me just now and hugged me and said she loved me even if I didn't believe it. I'm not quite sure where that came from, but I have a good idea. And STILL I said nothing. I just told her I hope she gets better for her and not for me.

And she said she was trying to stay out of my way to make things easier on me and I told her to please not allow my emotions to dictate her actions because that was a lot of responsibility on me that isn't mine and a lot of pressure on her to worry about how I'm dealing with things.

I think I'm going to do a happy dance right now because I am totally working my way back. Slowly... very VERY slowly, but I'm doing it no matter what because it feels GOOD. For now.

Seren

It is a struggle, isn't it?! Congrats!!! I still struggle with my own need to have my mother be proud of me, when all I need is to be proud of myself!

Hugs, HG