The courage to change the things I can...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
The courage to change the things I can...
Hello all,
I have given my addicted partner many, many chances to clean herself up. Most lately, I kicked her out of the apt. on a temporary basis, saying that she could move back when she had 30 days clean and was in rehab. She got into an outpatient rehab, but several times I caught her huffing duster and spray paint when she was visiting. I extended the 30 days... the last time she visited and I caught her was last monday. Initially I said, "Okay, get out. The 30 days starts over now." I said she would have one more chance starting August 1st. Then she got kicked out of her rehab for arguing and being difficult with counselors there. They said, "We cannot help you." That was a couple days ago, on Friday. Then last night she called and when I answered her voice was slurry and weird. She sent me some strange text messages. So I decided I am tired of the waiting and detective game, and rather than try to argue and prove whether she was under the influence, I simply decided that she must move out permanently. I informed her of this last night. Naturally she tried to talk me out of it, but I remained unmoved. This morning, I still feel that I'm doing the right thing, and the only thing I can do. But it is very hard! I still love her and believe that eventually she will find her way. But my instinct says that she still doesn't "get it" and is fighting recovery, therefore regardless of what last night's phone call meant, she will not be ready to move back in in a month. But this is very hard and painful! The separation process itself, dividing up our stuff, furniture, sorting out our clothes (we are both women), etc.... seems almost too painful to bear. I asked her to come pack and remove her things next week during the evenings since i will be away at night school. I can't bear to be there while she's packing and stuff. It's so sad. we had a little life here together. we set up this apartment together. I am thinking to myself, Well this is what people go through during a divorce, and if they can get through it, so can I. But i would really love some support or reinforcement here. My therapist says what I am doing is valid and okay. But I feel so mean. My partner is saying "This isn't love. this isn't what you do to people that you love." But I have been increasingly happy over 2 years of her using and refusing to really get help." Regarding getting kicked out of the rehab, she said, "Well if my insurance won't cover another program, I'll start going to NA every night." But she didn't go that night, or the next night. I feel she is still in much denial and still angrily blaming other people for her circumstances, which is a sign she's not done with the addict mentality and lifestyle. Please folks, am I a bad person here? I am even telling her this is not necessarily the end of our relationship, we can still be friends and maybe even date, but that i just can't live with her anymore.
I have given my addicted partner many, many chances to clean herself up. Most lately, I kicked her out of the apt. on a temporary basis, saying that she could move back when she had 30 days clean and was in rehab. She got into an outpatient rehab, but several times I caught her huffing duster and spray paint when she was visiting. I extended the 30 days... the last time she visited and I caught her was last monday. Initially I said, "Okay, get out. The 30 days starts over now." I said she would have one more chance starting August 1st. Then she got kicked out of her rehab for arguing and being difficult with counselors there. They said, "We cannot help you." That was a couple days ago, on Friday. Then last night she called and when I answered her voice was slurry and weird. She sent me some strange text messages. So I decided I am tired of the waiting and detective game, and rather than try to argue and prove whether she was under the influence, I simply decided that she must move out permanently. I informed her of this last night. Naturally she tried to talk me out of it, but I remained unmoved. This morning, I still feel that I'm doing the right thing, and the only thing I can do. But it is very hard! I still love her and believe that eventually she will find her way. But my instinct says that she still doesn't "get it" and is fighting recovery, therefore regardless of what last night's phone call meant, she will not be ready to move back in in a month. But this is very hard and painful! The separation process itself, dividing up our stuff, furniture, sorting out our clothes (we are both women), etc.... seems almost too painful to bear. I asked her to come pack and remove her things next week during the evenings since i will be away at night school. I can't bear to be there while she's packing and stuff. It's so sad. we had a little life here together. we set up this apartment together. I am thinking to myself, Well this is what people go through during a divorce, and if they can get through it, so can I. But i would really love some support or reinforcement here. My therapist says what I am doing is valid and okay. But I feel so mean. My partner is saying "This isn't love. this isn't what you do to people that you love." But I have been increasingly happy over 2 years of her using and refusing to really get help." Regarding getting kicked out of the rehab, she said, "Well if my insurance won't cover another program, I'll start going to NA every night." But she didn't go that night, or the next night. I feel she is still in much denial and still angrily blaming other people for her circumstances, which is a sign she's not done with the addict mentality and lifestyle. Please folks, am I a bad person here? I am even telling her this is not necessarily the end of our relationship, we can still be friends and maybe even date, but that i just can't live with her anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
No, you are not a bad person. We do have the choice to get off the roller coaster of having an active addict in our lives.
My 31 year old AD is no longer welcome in my home. I wouldn't even entertain the thought of trusting her until she has at least 2 continuous years of recovery.
My 31 year old AD is no longer welcome in my home. I wouldn't even entertain the thought of trusting her until she has at least 2 continuous years of recovery.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
This helped me when I was faced with a similar situation. I hope it can help you, too.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by Faith444 
My partner is saying "This isn't love. this isn't what you do to people that you love."
She is engaged in a vey typical addict behavior... to try to blame you for her problems. As long as she can blame you, she doesn't have to accept responsibilty for her actions and decisions. She will promise you the moon to get you to allow her to stay... and by extension... gives her an easy way to continue using.
Would you feel guilty about kicking her out if she was having an affair with someone... and said, "I want to continue to live with you and be in a relationship with you, but I am going to be involved with and see this other person every day?" My guess is you would not. Sad as it may seem, because of the disease of addiction, she cares more about using than she cares about you.
It is so hard to understand. We (the non-addicts) want to understand why. And the truth is, the only explanaition is... well.... they are addicts. Rational thought the way you and I understand it does not exist.
I asked myself (about my AGF) maybe 1,000 times... why can't she see the chaos this causes? Why can't she understand how much her drinking and drug abuse is hurthing her children? She says she loves me, but then why won't stop her self-destructive behavior?
A friend of mine in Al Anon said to me... "Why is the booby prize..."
I must tell myself 20 times a day, I didn't create it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
Forcing my AGF to leave the home was the hardest thing I have ever done. And, it was possibly the greatest act of love I have ever done. Love for myself, love for her children, and yes, love for her. She had to hit bottom before she would truly seek help. As long as she had all the comforts of home (paid for by me, with her being unemployed), why would she seek help? It was a perfect world. I paid for everything, took care of her children, and she escaped into drugs and alcohol every day. Why would she want to leave that?
IMHO you are doing the right thing... for yourself and for her... in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Who do you love more? Her or yourself?
Would you treat someone the way you are treating yourself or allowing to be treated?
You are questioning yourself and having guilt. This is normal, btw. I've been going through it for a few weeks now.
As a "quick fix" so help you with not feeling this way ...... think about this: "Loving her to death" - in addiction - that is so totally true. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
If I think about my guy's well being - I just hope that our splitting up helps him reach his "bottom" that much quicker - and I can only hope that his bottom isn't 6 feet under. And I would have that hope whether I am with him or not.
But it's no good thinking about them.... who is thinking about you? I don't think she is - so someone has to think about you, right?
When things stop working for the addict... it's when they are forced to have to look more at themselves. Hopefully, this will be a movement for her.
The 3 C's are critical.
You can't control, cure, or cause it. And that goes with recovery just as much as addiction.
Would you treat someone the way you are treating yourself or allowing to be treated?
You are questioning yourself and having guilt. This is normal, btw. I've been going through it for a few weeks now.
As a "quick fix" so help you with not feeling this way ...... think about this: "Loving her to death" - in addiction - that is so totally true. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
If I think about my guy's well being - I just hope that our splitting up helps him reach his "bottom" that much quicker - and I can only hope that his bottom isn't 6 feet under. And I would have that hope whether I am with him or not.
But it's no good thinking about them.... who is thinking about you? I don't think she is - so someone has to think about you, right?
When things stop working for the addict... it's when they are forced to have to look more at themselves. Hopefully, this will be a movement for her.
The 3 C's are critical.
You can't control, cure, or cause it. And that goes with recovery just as much as addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sacramento, California
Posts: 1
Hi Faith: I wanted to share my experience with you to let you know you are doing the right thing, I hope this helps. First off, I was a former Meth addict for about two and a half years with a girl that was living with me. I have a little over 400 days clean now. I wanted to bring up two main points that I think are true for me and might be true for others. The first quick point I wanted to make was that most of my success in my recovery program probably has to do with the fact that I attended a 30 day residential program that gave me a great foundation for recovery. I truly believe that this was the best thing for me and I would encourage others if their insurance plans allow it to go away to a place for at least 30 days.
It was the best 30 days of my life, I got the rest I needed, I made friends there that I still have today, which are important to my support needs. The reading and literature and daily meetings were awesome. Being taken away from work, bills, influences and the day to day stuff that we all face was very helpful in my recovery. Meals were provided obviously, since we all lived there and it was nice not to have to mess with cooking, shopping, cleaning up etc, it helped in allowing us to focus on ourselves. Anyways enough said on that, but mainly the drug that took me down was very powerful and it was crucial that I was put into a safe environment and given a 30 day start.
My next point, is the most important I believe and that is that most people don't change myself included until they are faced with serious consequences. Most of us are not noble enough to change on our own. We need our teeth kicked in to put it bluntly. In my situation, I was inches from losing my job, my finances were in a shambles and my soon to be exgirlfriend was cheating on me and had gone back to using needles which I never did and scared the hell out of me. So the rug got ripped out from underneath me so to speak and that allowed me to want to change.
So what does all this have to do with your situation. One the thing you did by asking her to leave is allowing her to face real consequences for her actions which will help her to change hopefully. And two, I think for her to be successful in getting well depending on her drug of choice I feel that doing an inpatient residency program is best for most people, it gives you the best foundation possible. Also, allowing her to live with you in a drug mode will only enable her to continue her slow destruction of her spirit and well being. My heart goes out to you and your situation. I still miss my ex girlfriend but she and I both wrecked whatever we could have had. Very damaging to both of us and I still struggle daily with my feelings of loss etc.
But you did the right thing and stick to the course, I hope the best for you and your girlfriend..... good luck to you and her both..
Take care,
Dustingoff
It was the best 30 days of my life, I got the rest I needed, I made friends there that I still have today, which are important to my support needs. The reading and literature and daily meetings were awesome. Being taken away from work, bills, influences and the day to day stuff that we all face was very helpful in my recovery. Meals were provided obviously, since we all lived there and it was nice not to have to mess with cooking, shopping, cleaning up etc, it helped in allowing us to focus on ourselves. Anyways enough said on that, but mainly the drug that took me down was very powerful and it was crucial that I was put into a safe environment and given a 30 day start.
My next point, is the most important I believe and that is that most people don't change myself included until they are faced with serious consequences. Most of us are not noble enough to change on our own. We need our teeth kicked in to put it bluntly. In my situation, I was inches from losing my job, my finances were in a shambles and my soon to be exgirlfriend was cheating on me and had gone back to using needles which I never did and scared the hell out of me. So the rug got ripped out from underneath me so to speak and that allowed me to want to change.
So what does all this have to do with your situation. One the thing you did by asking her to leave is allowing her to face real consequences for her actions which will help her to change hopefully. And two, I think for her to be successful in getting well depending on her drug of choice I feel that doing an inpatient residency program is best for most people, it gives you the best foundation possible. Also, allowing her to live with you in a drug mode will only enable her to continue her slow destruction of her spirit and well being. My heart goes out to you and your situation. I still miss my ex girlfriend but she and I both wrecked whatever we could have had. Very damaging to both of us and I still struggle daily with my feelings of loss etc.
But you did the right thing and stick to the course, I hope the best for you and your girlfriend..... good luck to you and her both..
Take care,
Dustingoff
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