kuljey

Husband is out of rehab tommorow. I have alot of anxiety about it. That said, with all the negativity from him while in rehab i am goin to give this a try.

He has made some demands on "coming home" and if i dont follow 'em he will go live w/his niece. Actually not a bad idea. I think i needs to grow up. I CANNOT take care of myself, my kids, my job and walk on FREAKING eggshells.

Anyway... thanks.

Yvonne

Callie

what are your 'demands' / boundaries if he's coming home? My H came home from rehab after 45 days unexpectedly (insurance). I so wish I would have been more prepared and strong in my boundaries. I wish we would have sat down and talked about them as SOON as he stepped off the plane. I simply wasn't prepared, didn't have a clear mind, didn't have boundaries in place and discussed. Needless to say it has not been the bed of roses that I thought it would be or could be.

That is my #1 suggestion - have your boundaries intact AND make sure he's clear on them. That way if he does cross them he CAN go live with his neice.

Impurrfect

(((Kuljey)))

I'm a recovering addict, and I can't even imagine imposing rules our demands on my family of what I expected from them. I didn't go to rehab, but I was the one that used, I was the one that caused so much turmoil.

Personally, I would do as Callie suggested..have MY boundaries in place, and the first time he crossed him - he'd be on his way to his niece's.

Addict or not, no one is going to make demands on how I live my life, but that's me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

I think i might tell him to go live with his neice but that's just me. pretty arrogant to come home and place demands on you. i'm glad i'm not in your situation because i'd probably just start laughing at him and his "demands" and just make it worse

MycoolFitz

Sounds like your husband is getting out of rehab but not out of his own diseased mind. I got out of rehab 66 daze ago. I was reintering an environment I had done a lot to pollute. It was up to me to work, day by day, to clean up the mess I made. My only demands I made were on myself. Things were pretty ugly between my wife and I, though they are slowly getting better. But I made by bed of thrones and it was up to me to lie in it. Don't let your husband make demands or threaten you. Let him live with his niece until she throws his sorry ass out. You take care of you and your kids. If your husband doesn't want to get healthier along with his nonuse, he isn't recovering he's surviving.

To your spouse: We need to bring our ego out front and take a good, hard look at it. When we live out our “I want it this way” or “I don’t want it that way” mind, our immediate experience is dissatisfaction, misery, pain, suffering, obsession, desperation, frustration, anger, and so on. This ego, this “me”, this center of everything, wants (and often demands) to be pleased and protected. This is where all our suffering resides and from where all our difficulties stem.—Steve Hagen

kuljey

Wow..good info. I havent been able to sleep now for weeks. I see a counselor 1 to 2x a week for this anxiety w/my husband--the situation.

I have been alone before, and truly i have taken care of him. He even tells me (now that he is ALL BETTER) "did u only marry me to do things for you.?" I had told him i am tired, beat, exhausted, mentally drained, i need your help... that was his loving response.

I dont think i can take this now, inperson.

MycoolFitz

Hey kuljey, you're doing everything right, you're questioning your place and role with an unhealthy spouse, you're reaching out for fellowship support and professional help. Way to go, you're way ahead of the curve compared to some I know.

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 24, spoken by the character Mr. Antolini

Namaste

outtolunch

He's trying to manipulate and blame you. If this were my husband, he would not be welcome, at home. You and the kids have managed since he's been gone. Does it make the most sense, at this time, to let this sort of chaos back in?