I Hate Feeling Like I Am Doing Something Wrong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 11
I Hate Feeling Like I Am Doing Something Wrong
New here! My husband was/is(?) addicted to oxys, vics, percs for almost 2yrs. During this time he had an affair with my cousins wife (who is also a user). In May he finally went into a treatment facility. Seemed like he was doing great! Then slowly started to find out he was continuing to talk to the other woman (who hadn't quit the pills), and one weekend I didn't visit him, she went. The last two weeks he was in treatment his attitude was that of him using, but they did drug tests and he tested negative.
He spent 35 days in and when he got out he started to run around w/the other woman again and talking with the people he used with. When I questioned him he thinks he can be around these people and that the girl is not using. I know lies! I am use to those!
He hasn't been living with us (myself and our daughter) since Feb. While in treatment I have been broke beyond broke and never once did his mother offer to help. The whole time she continued to tell me we have to practice tough love, how she was not going to help him with anything. He got out and she started helping him left and right.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and am somewhat familiar w/addiction. Since my husband has gotten out he has not followed the plan to stay sober, which was to attend AA and/or NA meetings, go to Outpaitient treatment.
I have told him that I am not denying him visitation with his daughter, but that I will allow him to visit with her in my home. I told him that I did not feel he was taking his recovery seriously. Our daughter is 11 and is well aware of his problem and has seen her father change so much in the past few months. He has broken down and cried right in front of her for the things he has done, promising to change, only to break those promises. Even in treatment he made promises and when he got out she said she asked him about that and he said: "I broke them, so." She does not want to speak with him or even see him right now. It's been 9 days since he has last seen or even spoken with her.
I am being blamed of course for the way she feels. He blames me for all of this with her. I am so tired of the blame game. I want to no longer be the enabler!
I'm looking for advice, opinions or similar situations. I have both myself and my daughter attending Ala non meetings.
He spent 35 days in and when he got out he started to run around w/the other woman again and talking with the people he used with. When I questioned him he thinks he can be around these people and that the girl is not using. I know lies! I am use to those!
He hasn't been living with us (myself and our daughter) since Feb. While in treatment I have been broke beyond broke and never once did his mother offer to help. The whole time she continued to tell me we have to practice tough love, how she was not going to help him with anything. He got out and she started helping him left and right.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and am somewhat familiar w/addiction. Since my husband has gotten out he has not followed the plan to stay sober, which was to attend AA and/or NA meetings, go to Outpaitient treatment.
I have told him that I am not denying him visitation with his daughter, but that I will allow him to visit with her in my home. I told him that I did not feel he was taking his recovery seriously. Our daughter is 11 and is well aware of his problem and has seen her father change so much in the past few months. He has broken down and cried right in front of her for the things he has done, promising to change, only to break those promises. Even in treatment he made promises and when he got out she said she asked him about that and he said: "I broke them, so." She does not want to speak with him or even see him right now. It's been 9 days since he has last seen or even spoken with her.
I am being blamed of course for the way she feels. He blames me for all of this with her. I am so tired of the blame game. I want to no longer be the enabler!
I'm looking for advice, opinions or similar situations. I have both myself and my daughter attending Ala non meetings.
No Day But Today
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
This sounds very similar to a situation that I have been dealing with, but on a smaller scale. I too have been with an addict that goes with other women, to an extent. I am much younger than you, and him and I weren't together as long, and there were no kids involved, but I do understand where you are coming from. I know it's hard to accept, but it is nothing to do with you. You can't support his habit, and therefore he finds it easy to resent you for it and ignore what you feel and believe. I have many stories I can share with you, many many stories. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. I am here a lot.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!! Most of us have had experiences similar to yours. Stick around and read the posts here, especially the stickies. Lies and blaming others are part of the addiction disease. The addict in my family blames other members so much and so bad, its almost funny. And Lying, one time she lied to my face about not using my doctor's name for drugs in months, when she had done it the day before!! You are right to protect your daughter and only allow visits in your home. While my addict sis-in-law would never conciously hurt her son in any way, she will take him with her when she goes to get drugs, and possibly drive home stoned.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 21
I'm a new member, first post was yesterday, but the reponses and advice have been extremely helpful. I think you will find this a great support system.
I too am involved with an addict. My guy's DOC is the same as yours. I love and care about him very much and it's been a tough year. Unlike some of the people ive talked to here, i'm not married to him, actually live with him, or have children with him, but all things i like fantasize about in the future. In my fatasy he is clean.
I've seen it said here, "The seed to recovery has been planted". He wont forget what he learned in rehab, he is just not ready to grow. I'm going thru the same thing with my boyfriend. He wont use for a week or so, but isnt ready to grow yet. It's a very hard thing to watch.
If you would like to talk any more feel free to PM me anytime. And I will follow your posts, Good luck. Stay Strong.
I too am involved with an addict. My guy's DOC is the same as yours. I love and care about him very much and it's been a tough year. Unlike some of the people ive talked to here, i'm not married to him, actually live with him, or have children with him, but all things i like fantasize about in the future. In my fatasy he is clean.
I've seen it said here, "The seed to recovery has been planted". He wont forget what he learned in rehab, he is just not ready to grow. I'm going thru the same thing with my boyfriend. He wont use for a week or so, but isnt ready to grow yet. It's a very hard thing to watch.
If you would like to talk any more feel free to PM me anytime. And I will follow your posts, Good luck. Stay Strong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like he is not done. The pills are more important to him than anything else, right now. It's not personal and I know that's hard to believe, right now.
You cannot control anyone's choices. His mom owes you and your child nothing. He however, does. He's got money for the pills.
File for child support, ASAP.
You cannot control anyone's choices. His mom owes you and your child nothing. He however, does. He's got money for the pills.
File for child support, ASAP.
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Hey there,
Thanks so much for posting about all of this, it's really awesome that you were brave enough to come out and share what you're going through.
It seems like you have (maybe subconsciencely?) surrounded yourself with alcoholics/addicts. I know growing up with an addicted father, for me, certainly made me gravitate towards certain types of men. I think it's great how you are trying to stand up for yourself. Alanon or something similarl would most definitely benefit you.
An angry addict is a viscious individual - all of our worst traits become magnified when we are denied something we want and you don't deserve to be stuck in the crossfire.
Please keep in touch with me, I always enjoy having another penpal and you can vent to me any time.
hugs & support,
Rachel
Thanks so much for posting about all of this, it's really awesome that you were brave enough to come out and share what you're going through.
It seems like you have (maybe subconsciencely?) surrounded yourself with alcoholics/addicts. I know growing up with an addicted father, for me, certainly made me gravitate towards certain types of men. I think it's great how you are trying to stand up for yourself. Alanon or something similarl would most definitely benefit you.
An angry addict is a viscious individual - all of our worst traits become magnified when we are denied something we want and you don't deserve to be stuck in the crossfire.
Please keep in touch with me, I always enjoy having another penpal and you can vent to me any time.
hugs & support,
Rachel
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I found that when i stopped accepting the blame from people they stopped using me as their excuse. It was actually very simple - i would say "you're not putting that blame on me." i do not accept it anymore and that was that. Does that mean they dont ever try to blame me - no - it just means that they can blame me all they want - it doesnt affect me in the least because i know its not my fault that they have problems.
IF your neighbors mortgage company called you up and said "you live next door to them so you have to pay their mortgage" you would say he!! no i dont - its not my responsibility. This is the same thing - seperate yourself from what is his responsibility and his problems and stop taking responsibility for it.
On the same note, its not his mom's responsibility to help you or the kids its his. I would also say that until he is sober for a long period of time i wouldnt believe any promises - he may mean them when he says them but actions not words are what you rely on right now.
IF your neighbors mortgage company called you up and said "you live next door to them so you have to pay their mortgage" you would say he!! no i dont - its not my responsibility. This is the same thing - seperate yourself from what is his responsibility and his problems and stop taking responsibility for it.
On the same note, its not his mom's responsibility to help you or the kids its his. I would also say that until he is sober for a long period of time i wouldnt believe any promises - he may mean them when he says them but actions not words are what you rely on right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts, opinions and experiences.
I was ready to break away in the beginning of May, and he decided to go to treatment, I think now it was only due to the fact his Parents kicked him out. In treatment he used me for everything (support, needing things, ect). I attended every family weekend, both Sat. and Sun. Saturdays were for family to visit and Sundays were to spend all day in groups and lectures. He would tell us on the phone how much he missed both of us and when he got out he would like to work on things. Like I said in my first message things were great!
He kept telling me he believed he could be friends with that other woman, even though she has been through no treatment herself. He would try mixing up the things they told him in treatment and have them mean something towards me. Like when they say not to get involved in a relationship for 6mos to a Yr. He was considering that having to do with his marriage. He was saying he couldn't come back and live here because he couldn't be around people that drank either. (I am an occasional drinker, I do not drink but maybe once every couple months and it's only a couple drinks then). The funniest ones got towards the end of his treatment. The favorite one is: I have a plan when I get out. But, he couldn't tell me his plan, I was told I would know soon enough.
I had someone recently argue with me, that why was I not going to let him take our daughter when I let him take her before when he was using. My comment was, I was enabling him. I thought before I was doing the right thing to let him have her. I know now through the counseling I was allowing him to endanger her every time I did let him have her.
My daughter never seen him snort pills, but she did see him take them orally. She's been with him and forced to stay in the car while he would go talk to his "friend" for a couple min (which she knew he was getting his pills). He had left her alone out in the country (at his parents), no one there, and did not tell her he was going anywhere.
I can say this is one of the hardest moments in my life. To have someone with me for 14yrs and then not at all is hard! I know it's extremely hard on my daughter, I have seen her suffer from these events. I can only do the best I can do, and worry about taking care of her and myself!
I was ready to break away in the beginning of May, and he decided to go to treatment, I think now it was only due to the fact his Parents kicked him out. In treatment he used me for everything (support, needing things, ect). I attended every family weekend, both Sat. and Sun. Saturdays were for family to visit and Sundays were to spend all day in groups and lectures. He would tell us on the phone how much he missed both of us and when he got out he would like to work on things. Like I said in my first message things were great!
He kept telling me he believed he could be friends with that other woman, even though she has been through no treatment herself. He would try mixing up the things they told him in treatment and have them mean something towards me. Like when they say not to get involved in a relationship for 6mos to a Yr. He was considering that having to do with his marriage. He was saying he couldn't come back and live here because he couldn't be around people that drank either. (I am an occasional drinker, I do not drink but maybe once every couple months and it's only a couple drinks then). The funniest ones got towards the end of his treatment. The favorite one is: I have a plan when I get out. But, he couldn't tell me his plan, I was told I would know soon enough.
I had someone recently argue with me, that why was I not going to let him take our daughter when I let him take her before when he was using. My comment was, I was enabling him. I thought before I was doing the right thing to let him have her. I know now through the counseling I was allowing him to endanger her every time I did let him have her.
My daughter never seen him snort pills, but she did see him take them orally. She's been with him and forced to stay in the car while he would go talk to his "friend" for a couple min (which she knew he was getting his pills). He had left her alone out in the country (at his parents), no one there, and did not tell her he was going anywhere.
I can say this is one of the hardest moments in my life. To have someone with me for 14yrs and then not at all is hard! I know it's extremely hard on my daughter, I have seen her suffer from these events. I can only do the best I can do, and worry about taking care of her and myself!
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