why is it so hard....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 7
why is it so hard....
I have not posted here in several months. My last post was about my separation from my RAH. I gave in and let him come back the end of February. I thought we could work things out but have not been able to. He started going back to meetings but complained about them because they was not being conducted the way he thought they should be. He liked the ones he attended before that is not in this town - and it is not very far from here, about 20 minutes but he hasn't bothered going to it. He thinks I should go with him. I have my Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings I attend. He went to one with me one night and of course didn't think we was doing it the way we should and came home and wrote out a format for us to use. I seen this as a way to control and asked him not to come back with me. I seen that as a way to control things and he had already stated that we needed to go to meeting together -preferably AA - because he thinks that there should not be any other meetings and the family should go together to just AA. It was wrong of me to ask him not to come back because he had as much right to be there as anyone else. But I seen that as MY time. This happened long before our separation.
since he has been back he has told me many times that he just wants to die and talks about killing himself. I have found out that he did try to kill himself once before.He told me that he was going to blow his brains out and do it where I could find him. My sponsor old me that I do not have that much pwer over someone and I know that but the guilt I would feel would be awful. I think this is very mean and cruel especially after having to deal with my son trying to commit suicide over a 1 1/2 ago.
He went and got his son and moved him in and I am having aproblem with that because my son ended up moving out because he felt the tension and knew that my husband did not want him here. And now I see him doing things for his son that if I did for mine or if he even thought I did he got bent out of shape.
Deep down he is a good man. He helps around the house and would do anything for my kids....but that is just it......he prefers that he does it - not me. I just don't understand. I have been attending meetings for a long time and was doing good for a while but now I am right back where I started.
Thanks for letting me share a bit of my story.
Hugs
since he has been back he has told me many times that he just wants to die and talks about killing himself. I have found out that he did try to kill himself once before.He told me that he was going to blow his brains out and do it where I could find him. My sponsor old me that I do not have that much pwer over someone and I know that but the guilt I would feel would be awful. I think this is very mean and cruel especially after having to deal with my son trying to commit suicide over a 1 1/2 ago.
He went and got his son and moved him in and I am having aproblem with that because my son ended up moving out because he felt the tension and knew that my husband did not want him here. And now I see him doing things for his son that if I did for mine or if he even thought I did he got bent out of shape.
Deep down he is a good man. He helps around the house and would do anything for my kids....but that is just it......he prefers that he does it - not me. I just don't understand. I have been attending meetings for a long time and was doing good for a while but now I am right back where I started.
Thanks for letting me share a bit of my story.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. ((((luvitcountry)))).
Are you thinking at this point that you are right back to you where you were when he was actively using or is this a different kind of issue?
If he is no longer actively using and is not working a process of recovery than he has stagnated and will not be moving anywhere that's healthy any time soon.
You've expressed that he is a good man deep down. If he prefers to be a jack**s on the surface and save his good nature for a special occasion, what good is that to you, your kids, his kids, or your relationship together. You deserve to see that good person every day not spend your life digging for him.
I sense your disappointment that this did not work out the way you'd hoped. He was doing well and you let him come back to you. Then he decides he's done enough and is just making excuses for not continueing with recovery, which as we know is not just about avoiding the alcohol. If he wanted recovery bad enough he'd drive any distance to get to a meeting.
There's a fork in the road again....yeah I know it sucks but a decision for your health and wellbeing has to be made. Boundary time again. Big girl pants time.
Talk it out. Journal it out. Be your own best advocate for health and happiness.
We here to help.
With love,
Alice
Are you thinking at this point that you are right back to you where you were when he was actively using or is this a different kind of issue?
If he is no longer actively using and is not working a process of recovery than he has stagnated and will not be moving anywhere that's healthy any time soon.
You've expressed that he is a good man deep down. If he prefers to be a jack**s on the surface and save his good nature for a special occasion, what good is that to you, your kids, his kids, or your relationship together. You deserve to see that good person every day not spend your life digging for him.
I sense your disappointment that this did not work out the way you'd hoped. He was doing well and you let him come back to you. Then he decides he's done enough and is just making excuses for not continueing with recovery, which as we know is not just about avoiding the alcohol. If he wanted recovery bad enough he'd drive any distance to get to a meeting.
There's a fork in the road again....yeah I know it sucks but a decision for your health and wellbeing has to be made. Boundary time again. Big girl pants time.
Talk it out. Journal it out. Be your own best advocate for health and happiness.
We here to help.
With love,
Alice
Last edited by ItsmeAlice; 06-27-2009 at 10:51 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by luvitcountry 
...He started going back to meetings but complained about them because they was not being conducted the way he thought they should be.
...I have my Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings I attend. He went to one with me one night and of course didn't think we was doing it the way we should and came home and wrote out a format for us to use.
...He had already stated that we needed to go to meeting together -preferably AA - because he thinks that there should not be any other meetings and the family should go together to just AA.
...Since he has been back he has told me many times that he just wants to die and talks about killing himself.
...the guilt I would feel would be awful. I think this is very mean and cruel especially after having to deal with my son trying to commit suicide over a 1 1/2 ago.
...now I see him doing things for his son that if I did for mine or if he even thought I did he got bent out of shape.
...I have my Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings I attend. He went to one with me one night and of course didn't think we was doing it the way we should and came home and wrote out a format for us to use.
...He had already stated that we needed to go to meeting together -preferably AA - because he thinks that there should not be any other meetings and the family should go together to just AA.
...Since he has been back he has told me many times that he just wants to die and talks about killing himself.
...the guilt I would feel would be awful. I think this is very mean and cruel especially after having to deal with my son trying to commit suicide over a 1 1/2 ago.
...now I see him doing things for his son that if I did for mine or if he even thought I did he got bent out of shape.
Those are not the behaviors of a man who is good deep down inside.
I would highly encourage you to read the following sticky on abuse, which can take many forms:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
The fact that he threatens suicide after what you went through with your son is despicable.
My heart also hurts for your son who moved out just to get away from the insanity.
I hope you find the courage to get this abusive man out of your life once and for all, and find the healing that you deserve.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
A control freak cannot change their spots any more than a leopard can. All they can do is manage it, if they are willing, and he isn't willing.
My home is filled with control freaks and I'm one of them. I come from a long line of control freaks. We suffer and cause needless anxiety until we work on controlling ourselves. I am the biggest challenge I've ever tackled.
We're working on it in my home, with all of us at different places in our self management. It is the only reason we're all still operating as a family.
My home is filled with control freaks and I'm one of them. I come from a long line of control freaks. We suffer and cause needless anxiety until we work on controlling ourselves. I am the biggest challenge I've ever tackled.
We're working on it in my home, with all of us at different places in our self management. It is the only reason we're all still operating as a family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 7
My computer has been down 
Thanks for the replies.
He was already in recovery when we meet so I was not with him when he was using...when we separated he started drinking after that and then he stopped. But I think he may be doing something else. He got really ugly when my recovering son had his appendix removed and was sent home with Percocet (which he gave to me to give to him as needed - ended up throwing over half of them away.) He said that my son should have told the doctor he was a recovering addict - he did, I was there. He said that he needed to take only ibuprofen. But it was okay for him to take Lortabs - I found out he was taking them when I took him to a pain management clinic for his back. He did not even bother to tell me he had gotten a prescription for them. Big girl pants
putting them on now. Thanks
Thanks for the replies.He was already in recovery when we meet so I was not with him when he was using...when we separated he started drinking after that and then he stopped. But I think he may be doing something else. He got really ugly when my recovering son had his appendix removed and was sent home with Percocet (which he gave to me to give to him as needed - ended up throwing over half of them away.) He said that my son should have told the doctor he was a recovering addict - he did, I was there. He said that he needed to take only ibuprofen. But it was okay for him to take Lortabs - I found out he was taking them when I took him to a pain management clinic for his back. He did not even bother to tell me he had gotten a prescription for them. Big girl pants
putting them on now. Thanks Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
my addicted partner just got kicked out of her rehab for being belligerent and arguing iwth the staff. she also criticizes nA meetings and has a thousand excuses why they don't do it the right way (focusing on the HP, which she hates, being an adament atheist). But i think, if they are serious about their recovery, they stop blaming everyone around them and criticizing other, and just focus on getting what they need out of the meetings. Yeah, partner said, after getting kicked out of rehab, "I'll just start going to the stupid NA meetings, I guess." I said, "They're not stupid." But her attitude let's me know she is not ready for real recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 7
Glad to be back When we got together he had been in recovery almost a year. This was his fourth rehad. That probably should have been the first caution sign.
His son told me this week that he would not give ME money to help with the household bills. He said that his Dad gives me EVERY penny he makes and never has money to buy cigs or gas. This week for instance he said he was broke but he had money to make a 5 hour trip to get his sons car and bring it back and I have had to get a second job to gets the bills paid. When I came home last night after being at my sisters my husband and step son was getting showers and getting ready to go out (11:00 p.m.) husband ended up leaving without his son and was very ugly before he left and then when he came back he scratched all over one side of my car with his keys. He said he didn't scratch the car - he said it must be someone who does not like you. I know it was him because I was up and nobody came around....there is lights all around my house. I have told him I wanted a divorce. To some that may seem a little harsh but we have tried separating before and it isn't working. This is what I need to do to have a peace of mind.
He started crying this morning and said all he needed was my help with his son and he had asked me for that and I didn't do anything for him. I don't know what it is he thinks I need to do. He is 20 years old and does not need my help. They went to my inlaws today and was going to meet his ex there who has a 6 year old that is his - I found this out only about 3 months ago.
After all that I have been through with him why do I still feel so guilty about all this? I have been attending nar-anon for several years now and feel like I am at step one all over again.
Thanks for listening. Just got home from taking my grandkids to a Fourth of July party in the park and then taking them home after fireworks cause I have to work tomorrow and needed to vent a little.
When we got together he had been in recovery almost a year. This was his fourth rehad. That probably should have been the first caution sign. His son told me this week that he would not give ME money to help with the household bills. He said that his Dad gives me EVERY penny he makes and never has money to buy cigs or gas. This week for instance he said he was broke but he had money to make a 5 hour trip to get his sons car and bring it back and I have had to get a second job to gets the bills paid. When I came home last night after being at my sisters my husband and step son was getting showers and getting ready to go out (11:00 p.m.) husband ended up leaving without his son and was very ugly before he left and then when he came back he scratched all over one side of my car with his keys. He said he didn't scratch the car - he said it must be someone who does not like you. I know it was him because I was up and nobody came around....there is lights all around my house. I have told him I wanted a divorce. To some that may seem a little harsh but we have tried separating before and it isn't working. This is what I need to do to have a peace of mind.
He started crying this morning and said all he needed was my help with his son and he had asked me for that and I didn't do anything for him. I don't know what it is he thinks I need to do. He is 20 years old and does not need my help. They went to my inlaws today and was going to meet his ex there who has a 6 year old that is his - I found this out only about 3 months ago.
After all that I have been through with him why do I still feel so guilty about all this? I have been attending nar-anon for several years now and feel like I am at step one all over again.
Thanks for listening. Just got home from taking my grandkids to a Fourth of July party in the park and then taking them home after fireworks cause I have to work tomorrow and needed to vent a little.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
