So, now what?

Old 06-25-2009, 07:02 AM
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Unhappy So, now what?

So here I am. My husband is trying really hard to stay off heroin. He used once since he got out of detox 5 weeks ago, but is sincere in his desire to be done. So here's my problem:

Sometimes I feel bad about posting, because compared to the experiences of so many people I see posting here, I have had a really easy time of it. We haven't really had any serious drama/loss/whatever as a result of his heroin addiction, except for it's effects on our relationship. We both seem stuck, unable to move forward and reclaim the emotional closeness we had such a short time ago. I feel like I'm staying emotionally detached, "just in case" he starts using again. And, although he hasn't said it to me directly, I think his feelings of shame and guilt are keeping him from trying to be close to me. We act like everything's fine. Anyone looking at us from the outside would see no problems. There's no fighting, no ugliness, no meanness, no lies, no drama...just an empty place inside of my heart that hurts...
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Old 06-25-2009, 07:19 AM
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Each of us has our own journey. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard, usually it's sad.

SR is a great place to read, share, vent and learn more about the family diseases of alcoholism and addiction. Like it or not, if we are here then we have been affected by someone else's drinking or drug use. It helps me to read about others' experiences. It helps to see how other people have handled certain situations so I can see if that's a possible solution for me ...or a great example of how I DON'T want to respond.

The lessons I have learned and the tools I have acquired by working my own recovery program have served me well in many aspects of my life: home, work, friends, neighbors, etc. I have new ways of seeing the bigger picture, and I know that I have choices in how I respond to things.

As for your situation, I hope this is the time that your husband chooses recovery. He might, and he might not. Hopefully you're learning more about your own boundaries and the choices you have for what's in your own best interest.

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Old 06-25-2009, 10:07 AM
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There were patients in my daughter's rehab that didn't have all the drama either. Their families were emotionally affected like the rest of us but spared all the craziness, and they didn't spread crazy either.

Those people were the ones I wanted to know more about. They had something I didn't and I wanted it, too -- calm. I finally found it and it's spreading in my home.

You have a lot to offer and I hope you'll share more often
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Old 06-25-2009, 10:52 AM
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Okay, well since I was the child of an addict this might be a little different but that's how my family went sort of:

Our family would seem fine and dandy out in public. There were no scenes or screaming at each other outside the house. We acted like a real family and after my mom told me at the age of 11 or so what was really going on with him (I knew at the age of 9 he was "taking things he wasn't supposed to" but I didn't know much about drugs) she told me I wasn't to tell anyone else and this was to be kept within our family as it was nobody else's business. In the house it was a little different.. lots of fight and maniac screaming. Cops every once in a while.

My dad went to rehab a 2nd time when I was 9 and he stayed clean for about a year after he got out. This didn't mean he was a fit father. He was the equivilence of a dry drunk (I don't know how to describe it in addict terms). Lots of fighting and lying, but again, that stayed in the house.

My mom couldn't trust him anymore, none of us could, even though he was clean. It's gonna take a while before you get that trust back Daisy. My dad was clean almost a year and my mom still wouldn't give him any form of cash, just a credit card or a checkbook. Me and Kirby would tip-toe around him, we could never really be sure what he was up to. I think near the end of that year though we had gotten better about it. I (and Kirby probably) thought this might be the end of it and didn't act so sheepish around him.

Nothing really goes back to normal after knowing your spouse, family member, or friend is an addict. Just because they're clean doesn't mean everything's okay again. You're gonna feel a little more suspicious, but the longer they're clean I think the more it'll fade. The addict, on the other hand, knows it's different too because they've betrayed your trust and are worried you'll never like 'em again. You're right, he probably feels guilty and finds it hard to get close to you knowing that he's hurt you and his daughters (whether they know anything or not). My best suggestion would be to talk about with him and stop acting like nothing happened. You can't move forward if you don't acknowledge that something did happen and you both need to work through it. It'll take a bit for you to regain trust
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Old 06-26-2009, 12:01 PM
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Thanks all for your messages

Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Those people were the ones I wanted to know more about. They had something I didn't and I wanted it, too -- calm.
You know, the thing is, it's only an external calm. I'm not even sure calm is the right word for it...calm to me feels like a positive presence, and this feels more like a lack of something. Does that make any sense? Not that I'm saying I want craziness in our lives...but it's like there's a space where something is supposed to be...I don't know, I'm not very eloquent when it comes to putting my emotions into words.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better today...I'm PMSing, so maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive

Thanks again,
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Old 06-26-2009, 12:31 PM
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Daisy, last night I came back and read your post again. This was after the four of us briefly knocked heads with each other and the walls, too. We all got away from each other pretty quickly but I found myself squirming trying to find calm. I wanted to do something about our dust up but made myself just let it all be, explore my feelings.

That's the calm I'm talking about. It's taken me years -- all my life damnit! -- to sit back and reflect instead of taking impulsive action. It took me a few hours to get familiar with my thoughts and feelings, though they weren't all positive. My therapist told me this is the beginning of wisdom.
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Old 06-26-2009, 02:40 PM
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You know Daisy I think I can relate..

My husband says he is sober.. but I have my doubts.. We have not hadthe drama that a lot of other addicted families have had to endure.. My AH has always come home at night, never been arrested, he has a steady job so on the outside everything looks ok..

but on the inside... now thats another story... There are the lies and then there are more lies, there is the fact that I do not trust him and I probably will never 100% trust him, and there is the fact that he is very irresponsible and immature and more often times then not I feel like I live with a very bad 12 year old rather then a 35 year old man.. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a happy and healthy relationship with him.. I'm beginning to realize that my answer is probably no and now I have to take the steps to make some very tough decisions.

My advice is to just keep taking care of you... if you haven't already, find an alanon or naranon meeting so that you can get the support you need for yourself...

Ya know, I think I can deal with the fact that my AH is an addict.. I can't change that.. it's the lies that hurt the most and it's the lies that have damaged our marriage.. The sad thing is my AH is not even aware of the wreckage he has caused...
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Old 06-26-2009, 04:48 PM
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Daisy, 5 weeks is still really early. My suggestion: Give him space to work his program, keep yourself focused on your program for now. If he is sincerely working recovery, things will get better in time. If he is going back into addiction, that will become obvious all too soon. Probably you should tell him what you that you are giving him space and working on your own recovery. Later on plan some together time, even if its coffee before the kids get up.
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Old 06-27-2009, 03:27 AM
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My best suggestion would be to talk about with him and stop acting like nothing happened. You can't move forward if you don't acknowledge that something did happen and you both need to work through it. It'll take a bit for you to regain trust
Daisy, I feel like we have been travelling parallel paths. You know my husband took prescription drugs, not heroin, but in my neck of the woods, we have a saying, "same dog, different bit of string"- they're all pretty much the same. Our worlds fell apart at around the same time, and like your husband, mine has been making a sincere effort to change for the better.

And like you, I feel that something in our relationship has permanently shifted. I don't think I will ever have the degree of trust in him I once did. Perhaps with time, there might be something else instead; I am proud of the work he is doing, and I am pretty damn proud of some of the changes in myself too.

I too feel a bit "frozen" in our relationship. I wonder if things will ever get to the point where I can honestly say I am "happily married". But the betrayal of trust happened over so many years, and was so huge, it's hardly surprising that one month on, things are a bit surreal. I think feeling detached is a perfectly normal defense mechanism.

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know that I also feel a lot of what you are describing. The only way is up, hey?
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Old 06-27-2009, 04:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Piglet123 View Post
one month on, things are a bit surreal
Thank you, that was exactly the word I was reaching for, surreal
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