rose

I just can't passed it. It has been 6 years, but 6 year of invovlement with the addiction and just about 2 years since I made the closer to it and divorced. I meet men, but I just walk away.

Many posts I read here...it has taken another man to get them over the hump....implying that is the way out! I have not met the man that is good enough to fill his boots. Is it going to take a man to get me away.

I had it stuck in my mind, than until I was accepted into a mans heart, I was worthy. I find grace in my garden, but there is no man...have I not been accepted yet....is it having a man that makes me worthy...!

Fore Sure I want love, but the love that I have found within and what I love to do, I sure hope the man I love likes what I do.

I have to say don't look for another man to help you over that hill, seek out what you love....stay withit, don't give it up...that is for you!

Running to a man for saviour...to get over it....your are looking at staying where you are.

Find You....a replacement is only a pem....you will be playing the game again,

Don''t run for love, run for you...you have such gift to give yourself!

Rose

Ann

Rose, your post touched my heart today because recovery is not about finding someone to fill the void or to validate our need for love and approval.

Learning to take care of ourselves means setting high standards in relationships, which can certainly narrow the field of prospects. But when we are true to our own values, when we clearly recognize red flags, we are able to make healthier choices. We deserve nothing less.

Hugs

losingmyfriend

Nice posts, being the ACOA of a woman who drank herself to death at 45(I was only 16), I have always taken care of other people and been a pretty consistent people pleaser.
I have no idea as to who I am. I'm hoping my marriage works out, but if not, I am in no rush to find another mate just yet.

Remember that song, Ive never been to me, by Charlene? I never understood it as a kid, but I do now...Rosee

Freedom1990

You sure hit the nail on the head for me, Rose! It took me 13 long years after rehab to figure out I was still broken in many ways, and kept looking for that outside 'fix' from a man. The end result was a lot of pain.

:ghug :ghug

winnie12

You are so right Rose. what i'm finding now that I am giving a man a chance is that i still have a lot of baggage in my heart. So even when finding a man - its not to find a someone to fix your problems. We have to still do the work on ourselves before we can really experience love. I knew it would be hard for me to be involved with someone again but now I'm really having to work through that because after years of pain it takes more than some romance to get over it. This man is more than willing to be my night in shining armour but that's not what i need so i wont let him - this bothers him. but i think taking things slow even when you do think you've found a good one is very wise to do - if you dont - you just end up in the same crap.

The bottom line is that the problems i experienced arent all the "addicts" or the "ex's" fault - they were also due to me and how i respond to problems and things that are within me so i must still work hard on my own recovery or i will just repeat the same mistakes.

Rose - I know you can understand this - I also find it hard when you do finally grasp your independance to then share yourself with someone. i'm not sure if its self-preservation or fear but its hard to open your heart back up. for so long i shut off my heart and let my mind take over because i trusted my head more than my heart - opening the heart back up is really tough because that's where all the pain is and as i have i feel that pain again. such fine lines we have to walk between being wise women and loving women.

CatsPajamas

I had to learn the hard way that wherever I went, there I was. All of my "stuff "went right along with me! I spent a lot of time dating the same guy in different skin.

I was raised to believe that I wouldn't be OK unless I had a man to take care of me, so I had a whole lot of relearning and healing to do before I was going to be a good and healthy person, let alone be a good and healthy partner for someone else.

AnAlwaysFriend

This is so true. . . I used to think that I, too, had to have that hole I felt deep down inside my soul filled with the love and attention of a man. That emptiness had been filled by my AH for so many years and when the addiction caused the plug to be removed. . .I thought I was sinking! However, the more I have taken the time to learn about me the more I find that emptiness being filled with inter-peace, love, and joy.

I once read that if you jump into a relationship to soon after dealing with such a tragic loss (like the one experienced by addiction), you just come out on the other side carrying more baggage! I have resolved, for now, I will wait until that emptiness in my soul has been plugged again by ME :-)

catecicc

Wow, Rose your posted couldn't have been more perfect for me to read today. You hit the nail on the head. I recently broke free and have since been "out there" again. I see now the chip on my shoulder is still too large and the bitter taste in my mouth is a little too sour. I decided the best person I should be with right now is me (well me and my cat!)

Thank you for sharing!

breakingfree88

Couldn't have said it better!!! Yay for cats!!

rose

I so wish and hoped that a man would come into my life, it was like wanting to have a baby and could not get pregnant and everyone around you is pregnant. Thinking inside why not me. But my HP had other plans for me and no matter how much I was fighting it back, HP held strong...boy he had one battle on his hands, glad he didn't give up on me.

He showed me my way to my heart, I had no idea what I loved to do for me. He brought me out of a shell that I didn't even know I was in. Looking at it now, bit by bit I started taking steps to do things on my own. Really it hasn't taken alot to make me content and happy. I love candles and my yard, I go off and find funky things to put a candle in and hang it in my trees and light it up at night, I have funky candle holders in my house, I love to light them up at night and turn the lights off, sit and watch a movie that I like.

The terror and ache inside no longer haunts me. I do believe that my boys changed around just because they now have a mom that is not walking on eggshells now or doesnt' fly off the handle when something goes wrong.

Rose

whereami

This has been the longest I have ever been without a guy and I learn everyday that not only do I survive, but I do well on my own...I kinda like the idea of making my own path and then later lining it with a flower bed...but getting a guy now would be like painting a dusty porch...too much cleaning to do first...

lightseeker

Rose,

Thank you so much for posting this. I, too, had the hole that couldn't seem to be filled without a man in my life. It's been a long, hard, road to find my way "back" home to my heart. A place that is whole.....what a difference that "w" makes. You wrote about it so beautifully and it definitely is what has needed to be healed in me. I'm getting there - I just never knew what loving myself meant until now. I loved from the outside in I guess.

Thank you for sharing this lovely post.