Faith444

Hi Ya'all..

I am wanting some advice here, or perhaps just to vent. Lst night I went to nar-anon, and it was good, but when I left, rather than feeling serene, so to speak, I felt bitterness creeping on... such as, the way things are and everything I've been through with my partner, is not what I signed up for and not what I want. One issue to deal with is one thing, but there are many. I have never been sexually satisfied in this relationship, and I was in denial about where my partner was at with her sexuality... which is, still having PTSD from past abuse... but instead of being able to realize this and go from there, she became an active user again- this, right after moving in with me. We "courted" for a year and she was not using during this time, and I knew just about nothing about drugs.

Now, I feel that I know it all. I stayed with her through a major heroin relapse last summer, then she got back on methadone, and after that it was mostly crack and coke that were used.... she would always say that she could do her recovery best while living with me, which was not true, well, perhaps it helped I don't know, but eventually (about a month ago) I couldn't take it anymore and kicked her out.

Now she is in an IOP and moving back in in a couple weeks, so, I should be filled with more hope and positivity than ever before. But instead I am just realizing what ******** this has all been. I feel I was sucked into a world that made crazy things normal (shooting up in the bathroom, etc.). Now, for those of you who read my other post, yes, I was a pot smoker, and yes, I even tried the coke n crack about 5 times (perfect example of craziness that started to seem even normal)... I am sober now, oh yes, and not completely liking it, but committed.

The thing is, I have got the idea in my head that I'd like to have an affair. It is ridiculous. I even told her of my thoughts today. Of course she was very hurt, "sickened," etc.... but what the hell? I feel that I love her but I'm desperate with all kinds of needs. Emotional, sexual, etc.... I have been caretaking and worrying my ass off about her. I'm not attracted to someone in a pathetic position, I'm not attracted to that. i want attraction and happiness and sex and all the good stuff. I want it with HER. But the more I learn about addiction, the more hopeless it all feels.

And so she's like, "You have to go to meetings so you can recover and trust me asap," more or less. But what right has she to ask anything of me at this point? What if I don't want to heal? (I do. And am going to meetings). But I'm fed up with her pathetic junkie ass. The night I kicked her out she was sitting on the toilet pretending to ****, so when I busted in she pushed out a fart to show she was really shitting and not shooting up. Of course I found the pary underneath some things. How do you get over this? Should you (I) even try?

sucks.

justtired

I feel for your situation and totally understand not being attracted to someone in a "pathetic position". That's how I feel about my abf at this very moment. Maybe you just need to give it a little time and see if she earns your trust and if so, how you feel about her then. I am also looking back on all the BS and am bitter. I am NOT normally an angry person, but find myself very angry at everything I've gone through with abf. I want to be Done With It, but at the same time, don't want to throw away years of a relationship that has had many many wonderful times and special memories.

If your gf is serious about her own recovery, she should also be able to understand that you can't just recover and trust her "asap". It takes time for them to earn our distrust and it takes time to earn that trust back. Not gonna happen over night, that's for sure!

Best of luck to you!

Chino

It sounds like you realize she can't fill those needs. Did she ever?