Abundance

he texted me saying he was going to email the boys.... and if I had given him the letter he wrote. I told him I hadn't and to keep that in mind in the email - as well as - their thinking he is in the midwest for work, which is why he went there. They know that we are over -but think we are still friends... and he had to go far away for work reasons.

And so.. he was upset that I didn't give them the letter and that I didn't tell them the truth. I told him he had an oppty to say goodbye and he again said he had a hard enough time telling me goodbye that he couldn't do it with them, as well. Saying that he never would have left.

I told him the details.... and he replied back saying he misses us... wants to hold me... focus on the family....and he will have internet tomorrow.

So - I guess he didn't go back with his folks. I have no idea where he is - and I really don't want to know. I don't want to know anything about him.

now this is where i goofed up. I told him that he should have thought of those things when we he was able to do something about it - that I too had a lot of pain during the R and I tried to make it work while in it.... so I asked him to please stop contacting me... there is nothing more to say. Im done.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... i wish i would have just let it be. I was too quick to text. I also called him and he didn't answer..... which is probably better for me.

Man ..... just when I was feeling so strong. I buckled.

Going to bed early tonight.... boys are with their dad tonight - so it's a mellow night.

First night on my own since he's been gone. AND it's been one week!

whereami

It will be ok you are human and you reacted with your heart. Just remember what your head tells you and that you are worth so much more. I know how you feel, mine lied about cheating, money, support, pills you name it and I still felt like I was losing and I wouldn't be able to deal with the lonliness...it will get better, just remember the reasons you left read your old posts and know you are doing the right things...starting now. You may have slid, but don't fall...you can do this..

Freedom1990

Don't beat yourself up over it! I can't tell you how many times I answered the phone, and when I realized it was the EXAH, I still didn't hang up! It takes time to learn new behaviors and not automatically do what we are used to doing.

:ghug :ghug

lightseeker

Abs - I wouldn't call that backslidding rather, it was a learning experience that helps you to choose different responses from here on out. Each bit of information gives you more opportunities to do it a different way.

I have my own work to do around this feeling but I'm actually envying you for having the strength to end this and move on. In hindsight I truly wish that I had done the very same thing as you. This is all with my husband not using any substances in the last 4 years and ending his cheating ways (for now). So - even if they stop doing all "the bad" it still doesn't mean that it's good. It's never become the relationship that I know that we both must have dreamed of having. Ahhh - that is all another story and I don't want to hijack your thread.

Remember - short term pain for long term pain, Hang in there!

Callie

Abs - thank you for 'journaling' your exit with the R. It's nice to know that we're all going through similar situations. It's hard to detach when you've lived with and become use to the dysfunction. You're doing great!

winnie12

I dont think its backsliding either.

NeedingHelp7

Oh my gosh, and you think you back slid!! Your doing fine, you handled it well compared to how I used to handle the phone calls. Each call touches the open wounds, this is probably why you are feeling like you backslid, you didn't. The wounds are tender right now. Huggs.

Abundance

Thanks guys......... I guess it was more of a "bump"..... because I was feeling really strong.... and not feeling anxious and / or sad. But as soon as I got those texts.... the racing heart and the bad feelings all came back again.

I don't want to be mean ... I don't want to hurt him - I'm still very angry.

I remind myself of how I would get up in the middle of the night and go down on the couch because I was sobbing and crying feeling rejected by a man who said he loved me and desired me, but didn't show it. How I would think that maybe it was me who was a sex addict because having sex just once a month was driving me insane. How depressed and feeling "not enough" when I'd see him rush out the door to get his pills / or counting them out in his pill container. The JOY he had for pills was more than what he showed towards me. The reclusive behavior with not spending time with me or the family. HE HURT MY EGO - terribly. And then would just tell me I was "insecure". I became this needy woman... who was settling for crumbs towards the end of the relationship. His not giving a care about anything except himself. We had no partnership. How humiliating it was for me to cry and be depressed because I wanted to spend time with him and he would just tell me he was sorry and was anhedonic - yet ... those pills really made him light up! His OCD on working .... and the paranoia he was experiencing when his work started falling apart. Looking at blaming everyone else around him and not looking at what his role was in all of it.

And then he has these words of telling me he misses me and wants to hold me ... focus on the family. Too late - so sad - too bad.

Anyway - like I would even take him back after he had that little fling with the "cute little red head" on the airplane after months and months of being rejected by him. Heck - strangers out and about gave me more adoration than he did!

What a mind #$&*!

I don't know.... I guess I was just feeling really strong and now I feel like a wounded soul...... and I'm just ticked off.

I gotta get back to the place that I was 24 hours ago. Remember that I was alone in the R ... and that we never made plans for the future... he was telling others one thing and me another thing. Telling people that he "was on the fence" and wasn't sure if this is what he wants...... and I'd hear about it... and how humiliating. It was a very un-healthy relationship. I never knew whether I was coming or going and neither did he. SHAKY - UNSTABLE GROUND - no place for a relationship. He was trivial and I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

The good news; however, is that the boys are taking this very well. And that is a blessing.

This song: pretty much sums it all up!

YouTube - Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie

Abundance

I realize my thoughts become my feelings. I'm trying to change up my thoughts...... I am thinking of being a strong woman ... getting some things accomplished.

And instead........ I am filled with so much flipping anxiety. I can't concentrate - I feel like I'm in a total fog..... my body physically hurts.

It's like I'm right back to being in the throws of it. GAAAAAAAWD.

I know it's going to pass.... I just have to get through today.

I'm using H.A.L.T. .... I didn't sleep well last night and I do have a little bit of anger.... I'm not lonely (mainly cause I couldn't deal with company right now) and all I've eaten today is a bagel - but I'm making dinner right now.

I plan on going to bed early tonight.

Please Please Please - Please I hope he doesn't text me.... or contact me. It takes me right back to feeling all the toxic sensations. I thought I was able to handle it... I'm not.

I was reading on the SA board.... and there have been a couple of threads about ritalin. I DID NOT want him to take the ritalin...... I knew that it was not a good idea. He agreed....... and you guessed it - he used it anyway and lied about it! Did that for a couple of months - i always found it. In the end - I gave in and then he started being honest to me about it. I advocated that he be honest with his doctor to get on the right dosage........ which was MORE. I'd check in with him about it to make sure he wasn't heading back into addiction again. AND HE WAS! What the heck was I thinking that I could trust that he would know the difference? I have so much guilt because I fricking enabled him. I enabled the addiction more than I ever have in the past. I can't stand the role that I have played in ALL of this. I saw the train wreck happening and I did NOTHING! Not until the train wrecked!!!!!!! Not until he cheated on me.

UGH....... I just want today to be over with.

Freedom1990

For the love of mud, would you put that big stick down and stop walloping on yourself?!

Eat, thank your HP for another day with your boys (who are gifts) when you go to bed, and get some decent sleep! :ghug :ghug