Why am I doubt?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Zachary, Louisiana
Posts: 20
Why am I doubt?
As I sit here this morning, I am having trouble grasping acceptance for my decision to file divorce. When I first filed, I thought I was doing it because I had no other choice. I wanted to mean what I said and I had told him after the last rehab stay in 2006, that I would not live through the hell he put me through again. When his using started to become more frequently again in Dec., I had to make some hard choices. I still love my husband with all my heart and he is my soul mate. It took from Dec. to April before I mustered enough strength to file for divorce (I knew he would not leave unless this happened). He left very willingly. . .with nothing more than his truck, our travel trailer, and his clothes. Even though I have had minimal contact with him over the last 2 months, I know that he feeds the addiction daily now. This weekend has been one of the hardest so far. It started Friday with his constant calling my phone and wanting me to look at his check book, then it was the sobbing over the phone that he was hungry and was begging for me to bring him food.
I withstood, for the most part, and did not give in. Staying very calm, but then he started harassing the kids (or I should say my daughter. . .he will not go there with our son). She is not going to let her daddy starve no matter how much I tried to explain what he was doing and that on Tuesday when he got paid again he would not even know we exist. I am usually a homebody, esp. during the summer months. . .but my best friend knew my AH was giving me a hard time and convinced me I needed a girl's day out. So, I went to a movie and lunch with a friend. In the meantime, my daughter brings her dad something to eat and she tells him I have went to the movies. Now, I am the bad person because I have gone out with my "boyfriend" and I am the one throwing our marriage away. His words were so belligerent and hurtful. He left several of these messages and my dayghter left her dads in tears.
I say all of this because, as I read differnt post I am finding that a lot of spouses still live with there AH. I am wondering that if maybe I would not have been so selfish and was stronger or better adapted to handling the addiction, if I should have never filed for divorce (even though it is technically a legal separation-the actual divorce will not be finalized for 6 months). How do you know when to stay and when to go? I made the decision to file for divorce without any support or information on the addiction other than what little we had through several of his past rehabs. I thought it would maybe help if he realized that I could live without him and was willing to do just that. I was certain I would not want anymore to do with addiction! But I find myself drawn to this site seeking advice and wanting to do the right thing for myself and my AH well being.
I am really torn! Did I do the right thing? When divorce is the last thing I want. I took a vow to love and honor, in sickness and health for better or worse . . .I feel now that I have betrayed this vow. . .if he had some illness like cancer or bound to a wheelchair I would not give up on him! So, why did I give up on him when I know he doesn't want to be the monster his addiction has created and fights so hard not to be.
Why am I doubting something I thought was the right thing to do at the time?
I withstood, for the most part, and did not give in. Staying very calm, but then he started harassing the kids (or I should say my daughter. . .he will not go there with our son). She is not going to let her daddy starve no matter how much I tried to explain what he was doing and that on Tuesday when he got paid again he would not even know we exist. I am usually a homebody, esp. during the summer months. . .but my best friend knew my AH was giving me a hard time and convinced me I needed a girl's day out. So, I went to a movie and lunch with a friend. In the meantime, my daughter brings her dad something to eat and she tells him I have went to the movies. Now, I am the bad person because I have gone out with my "boyfriend" and I am the one throwing our marriage away. His words were so belligerent and hurtful. He left several of these messages and my dayghter left her dads in tears.
I say all of this because, as I read differnt post I am finding that a lot of spouses still live with there AH. I am wondering that if maybe I would not have been so selfish and was stronger or better adapted to handling the addiction, if I should have never filed for divorce (even though it is technically a legal separation-the actual divorce will not be finalized for 6 months). How do you know when to stay and when to go? I made the decision to file for divorce without any support or information on the addiction other than what little we had through several of his past rehabs. I thought it would maybe help if he realized that I could live without him and was willing to do just that. I was certain I would not want anymore to do with addiction! But I find myself drawn to this site seeking advice and wanting to do the right thing for myself and my AH well being.
I am really torn! Did I do the right thing? When divorce is the last thing I want. I took a vow to love and honor, in sickness and health for better or worse . . .I feel now that I have betrayed this vow. . .if he had some illness like cancer or bound to a wheelchair I would not give up on him! So, why did I give up on him when I know he doesn't want to be the monster his addiction has created and fights so hard not to be.
Why am I doubting something I thought was the right thing to do at the time?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,907
You did the right thing in filing. You are being drawn into the drama that HE is creating. He wants you to have second thoughts. He wants you to doubt yourself. You may not be able to control whether or not your daughter takes him food or feeds into his psychobabble, but you can control what YOU do. The very fact that he is saying such horrible things to your daughter should send up a huge red flag! He is trying anything and everything to get you to feel sorry for him and change your mind. My advice is to go NO CONTACT with him. It is obvious that he will not back down, so you will have to take a stand. Good luck, and stay strong. (((HUGS)))
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Now, I am the bad person because I have gone out with my "boyfriend" and I am the one throwing our marriage away. His words were so belligerent and hurtful. He left several of these messages and my dayghter left her dads in tears.
Something inside of you said "I've had enough". Those who choose to stay with their spouses need to be prepared for the ups and downs of the addiction and unlike Cancer or someone bound in a wheelchair.....an addict has a choice. He or she can choose to remain on that destructive path or they can choose to seek help for this disease. They have the choice of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
You are in doubt..... because that is what happens when you are involved with an addict. Every little bit of what you thought to be the truth... the truth about him and yourself - you doubt to be the truth. It carries over into all decision making until you make the choice to reclaim your life. YOUR life.
I know what you mean about finding out that spouses can work it out with their A's or RA's. You want that for yourself... you wonder if you have done everything you could have done. Well... I battled so much with what is strong .... staying or leaving... etc. It's a personal decision. What is right for YOU doesn't necessarily mean it's right for someone else.
Pay attention to your sensations - your body is TRUTH.
When you are with your friends or away from your A... and you are not thinking of him ...... vs. when you are thinking of him or even around him.
What is your body telling you?
OUR truth is inside of US.
*There is no wrong or right answer - EXCEPT - that we follow OUR TRUTH!
I know what you mean about finding out that spouses can work it out with their A's or RA's. You want that for yourself... you wonder if you have done everything you could have done. Well... I battled so much with what is strong .... staying or leaving... etc. It's a personal decision. What is right for YOU doesn't necessarily mean it's right for someone else.
Pay attention to your sensations - your body is TRUTH.
When you are with your friends or away from your A... and you are not thinking of him ...... vs. when you are thinking of him or even around him.
What is your body telling you?
OUR truth is inside of US.
*There is no wrong or right answer - EXCEPT - that we follow OUR TRUTH!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,907
Keep in mind that divorce doesn't necessarily have to mean that you can never be together. It does free you in the meantime to live a life of your own and not be saddled with the roller coaster ride of addiction. During that time, you will grow in leaps and bounds and become a healthy independent entity of your own choosing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
It is easy to blame yourself for another's choices. Yes, you made a vow to love and honor your husband. And he made a vow to love and honor you. By allowing his drinking to get to where it is, by refusing to seek help, he violated his vow to you and to God.
If someone physically beats their spouse, no one would say that the person being abused would be unjustified in leaving the marriage. I have come to understand that being in a relationship with an addict is just a different form of abuse. The name calling, the blame, the insults, the cursing, the lying are all just forms of abuse. And, often it escalates to physical violence. The addict comes to believe that they are entitled to do anything in defense of their right to use. Verbal abuse is not love. Verbal abuse is not honor.
A very dear friend of mine, who is a member of the clergy, said to me once, "God does not wish us to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of another." He is asking you to sacrifice your life, not for yourself, but for his addiction.
He broke his vow. Not once, but over and over again. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to remain in a marriage when one party lives up to the vows, and the other completely ignores them.
If someone physically beats their spouse, no one would say that the person being abused would be unjustified in leaving the marriage. I have come to understand that being in a relationship with an addict is just a different form of abuse. The name calling, the blame, the insults, the cursing, the lying are all just forms of abuse. And, often it escalates to physical violence. The addict comes to believe that they are entitled to do anything in defense of their right to use. Verbal abuse is not love. Verbal abuse is not honor.
A very dear friend of mine, who is a member of the clergy, said to me once, "God does not wish us to sacrifice ourselves on the alter of another." He is asking you to sacrifice your life, not for yourself, but for his addiction.
He broke his vow. Not once, but over and over again. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to remain in a marriage when one party lives up to the vows, and the other completely ignores them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
I apologize if I stepped over the line with my previous post.... it is clearly an issue feel very strongly about. Another member said, rightfully so, that for each of us, we have our own truth. We get to decide for ourselves. In many ways, that is the true power of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
My husband is the addict, now he is my exah. I brought my husband back home so manytimes, hoping that he had had enough and just coming back into his home and family again would be enough to make him stop. Nothing of the sort happened, his addiction was getting worse, he was becoming a better lier and I was becoming a better detective and the battling grew out of control. Once while he was out of the house the boys and I had a pizza for dinner, I put the empty pizza box outside, I gather he was snooping around one night outside and say the empty pizza box , he called me up ranting and raving how I am living the great life and how he is starving...on and on he went. He could pull me back down into his manipulation in a second, I would try to go on and beleive what I was doing was for the best, but the minute I talked to him he had me all backwards again, head spinning and doubting myself.
It is just what they do try and pull you back with manipulation. I knew that I had to start to have no contact with him, as I knew what he was doing and how it was effecting me...but hard to do. I guess it was a fortunate thing for me, he was sent to jail....was my escape to no contact. Plus our boys didn't want anything to do with him.
The longer it went with no contact was the better, as I started to think more clearly without his imput. I did divorce him, but I know inside I did what I could and really I didn't have to do anything to help...because he didn't want my help they way I wanted to give it, he wanted my help to keep him using. As to this day he has never stopped, but he doesn't try to have any contact.
What settled my mind while I divorced or was starting it...I have to do this for me, should he make a great turn around, one day then we can start again.
Rose
It is just what they do try and pull you back with manipulation. I knew that I had to start to have no contact with him, as I knew what he was doing and how it was effecting me...but hard to do. I guess it was a fortunate thing for me, he was sent to jail....was my escape to no contact. Plus our boys didn't want anything to do with him.
The longer it went with no contact was the better, as I started to think more clearly without his imput. I did divorce him, but I know inside I did what I could and really I didn't have to do anything to help...because he didn't want my help they way I wanted to give it, he wanted my help to keep him using. As to this day he has never stopped, but he doesn't try to have any contact.
What settled my mind while I divorced or was starting it...I have to do this for me, should he make a great turn around, one day then we can start again.
Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Zachary, Louisiana
Posts: 20
A good friend of mine said the same thing - "I have come to understand that being in a relationship with an addict is just a different form of abuse ".
I just have trouble believing myself in as a victim of abuse. . .but looking back on "just the facts" I realize that his behavior, belligerence, manipulating, lying, and coercing are all forms of abuse that I have allowed to attack my wellbeing, self esteem, and over all quality of life.
Thanks for sharing,
Peggy
I just have trouble believing myself in as a victim of abuse. . .but looking back on "just the facts" I realize that his behavior, belligerence, manipulating, lying, and coercing are all forms of abuse that I have allowed to attack my wellbeing, self esteem, and over all quality of life.
Thanks for sharing,
Peggy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by AnAlwaysFriend 
I say all of this because, as I read differnt post I am finding that a lot of spouses still live with there AH. I am wondering that if maybe I would not have been so selfish and was stronger or better adapted to handling the addiction, if I should have never filed for divorce (even though it is technically a legal separation-the actual divorce will not be finalized for 6 months). How do you know when to stay and when to go? I am really torn! Did I do the right thing? When divorce is the last thing I want. I took a vow to love and honor, in sickness and health for better or worse . . .I feel now that I have betrayed this vow. . .if he had some illness like cancer or bound to a wheelchair I would not give up on him! So, why did I give up on him when I know he doesn't want to be the monster his addiction has created and fights so hard not to be.
Why am I doubting something I thought was the right thing to do at the time?
Why am I doubting something I thought was the right thing to do at the time?
However, I do want you to try to hear what I say.... and remember what your life was like living with an addict.
Did you have peace?
Did you feel trust?
Did you feel respected?
Did you feel honored?
Did you feel supported-/emotionally/financially/ physically
Did you feel that you were priority #1?
If you answer a resounding YES, I'd be shocked.... becasue living with an addict 'robs' you of all of those things, (that by the way are in 'most' wedding vows).
In addition, the wheelchair analogy isn't quite the same.... that person can still 'give' trust- respect- honor- friendship- support-etc. from a wheelchair. A person who is an addict isn't capable of 'giving' those things to you.
SO, others here who know my story, may say "cess, listen to you." Well, hon, I am..... these ae thing I'm realizng, becase I CHOOSE to stay with an addict.
It isn't worth it---- it becomes selling your soul to the devil.... (meaning it's tempting and you are deluded with promises of grandoise nature, but bottom line is nothing good will come out of it, and you WILL be miserable.)
Be thankful, that you are away. Be thankful that your children do not have to be subject to drug addicted B.S.
Be thankful that you have friends/dates, (whomever) to share some 'adult' time with.
If you back out of this---and assume HIS MANIPULATION, you just made the first concession on a long road to perdition.
Finally sweets, think about something... He can't 'eat' on his own? For the love of god, if his addicton is 'that progressed', by golly let him fall down competely.... he's real close. Once he does, perhaps he can get help. That's the only thing that will ultimately 'help' him at this point. Furthermore, what kind of 'man' would allow his daughter to witness him that weak?? 'Daddys' should be doing the protecting/providing/and feeding of the children he brought into the world. That poor daughter evidently only has YOU to look at for that kind of support..... don't let her see you trying to take care of a man like that. HE should be ashamed of himself for doing that to you guys..... (but he can't be ashamed, because he's an addict.)
There are all different levels of addiction.... he really sounds liked he'd be much better served if you let him 'fall', and honey, save you and your children and let it happen.
I whole heartedly believe you did the right things...... stay strong, and admire YOURSELF for doing what is 'hard' for you.
Lots of love,
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Always friend...
First of all, welcome to SR!
I divorced my exah four years ago. I didn't want to. I felt, much like you, like I had been backed into a corner. One day, I just knew that if I didn't file, my exah was going to destroy my life just as sure as he was destroying his. I filed to protect myself legally from the fallout of his addiction. But I did so with a heavy heart.
When I met with my attorney, he compared me and my situation to the one faced by domestic violence victims. To be honest, the comparison made me angry. I wasn't an abused woman !! O hell no !!! I was just a woman who tried to hold her marriage together because it was what I was supposed to do. I wasn't abused. My exah never hit me...never even raised his voice to me ! I had more self-respect than to put up with abuse !!
And then I thought about it...
And I realized the comparison was dead-on.
My exah didn't hit me...but he lied to me...repeatedly. He used me. He manipulated me. He drug me kicking and screaming into financial ruin... He made me question my sanity. He made the idea of death sound attractive at my lowest point. And although the bruises weren't obvious to the naked eye, the people who loved me saw the change in me. They knew that I lived in fear...in a world of insanity...and no matter what they said or how they said it, it didn't matter. Until I decided that I'd had enough...I would stay. And I did...For more than 3 years.
I worried that my exah would kill himself (he had implied that he would do such a thing if I left him on more than one occasion). I worried that he would spiral deeper into his addiction if I wasn't there to hold things together. I was certain he would die one way or the other or slip down so far that he would never recover.
But I also knew that I was sliding down with him and I had to file to save myself and our son from the life he was creating for us.
And, ya know what? My exah got clean (well, he got off the heroin). He's still a raging alcoholic but he didn't slip into some deep abyss like I thought he would.
He even tells me that as much as he hated me...absolutely hated me....when I left him, he's pretty sure that he would have never stopped using if I hadn't left him alone to figure things out on his own.
And so here I am, four years later...and my exah are still friends. We don't have a future because of the alcohol but my life is my own...I have complete control over my finances and my future. I don't live in fear anymore.
So...I guess if I could say anything to you its that you can't let your fear about what MIGHT happen int he future stop you from doing what you know is right for you. Your husband will quit when he's ready...not a second before...and there is nothing you can do to speed the process up for him.
I"m sure losing you will be the worst thing thats has happened since he started using but you aren't responsible for theh pain it causes him any mroe than you are responsible for his drug use.
I happen to believe (and it took me a long time to get to this place) but I beleive we are responsible for our wellbeing and happiness. If we don't put our needs (not wants...but needs) first, who will? No one.
Who knows what the future holds but today you just need to do whats right for you. Its scary as hell to leave the insanity behind...I'm sure its no less scary for a victim of physical abuse...but I think you'll be amazed at how fast things can turn around if you just step boldly in the direction you need to go.
You've found a great support system here at SR. I hope you get as much comfort and strength as I did from simply knowing that there are others out here who 'get it' because we've been thru it. That simple piece of knowledge gave me great relief and comfort when I stumbled into this place.
Welcome again..
Mary
First of all, welcome to SR!
I divorced my exah four years ago. I didn't want to. I felt, much like you, like I had been backed into a corner. One day, I just knew that if I didn't file, my exah was going to destroy my life just as sure as he was destroying his. I filed to protect myself legally from the fallout of his addiction. But I did so with a heavy heart.
When I met with my attorney, he compared me and my situation to the one faced by domestic violence victims. To be honest, the comparison made me angry. I wasn't an abused woman !! O hell no !!! I was just a woman who tried to hold her marriage together because it was what I was supposed to do. I wasn't abused. My exah never hit me...never even raised his voice to me ! I had more self-respect than to put up with abuse !!
And then I thought about it...
And I realized the comparison was dead-on.
My exah didn't hit me...but he lied to me...repeatedly. He used me. He manipulated me. He drug me kicking and screaming into financial ruin... He made me question my sanity. He made the idea of death sound attractive at my lowest point. And although the bruises weren't obvious to the naked eye, the people who loved me saw the change in me. They knew that I lived in fear...in a world of insanity...and no matter what they said or how they said it, it didn't matter. Until I decided that I'd had enough...I would stay. And I did...For more than 3 years.
I worried that my exah would kill himself (he had implied that he would do such a thing if I left him on more than one occasion). I worried that he would spiral deeper into his addiction if I wasn't there to hold things together. I was certain he would die one way or the other or slip down so far that he would never recover.
But I also knew that I was sliding down with him and I had to file to save myself and our son from the life he was creating for us.
And, ya know what? My exah got clean (well, he got off the heroin). He's still a raging alcoholic but he didn't slip into some deep abyss like I thought he would.
He even tells me that as much as he hated me...absolutely hated me....when I left him, he's pretty sure that he would have never stopped using if I hadn't left him alone to figure things out on his own.
And so here I am, four years later...and my exah are still friends. We don't have a future because of the alcohol but my life is my own...I have complete control over my finances and my future. I don't live in fear anymore.
So...I guess if I could say anything to you its that you can't let your fear about what MIGHT happen int he future stop you from doing what you know is right for you. Your husband will quit when he's ready...not a second before...and there is nothing you can do to speed the process up for him.
I"m sure losing you will be the worst thing thats has happened since he started using but you aren't responsible for theh pain it causes him any mroe than you are responsible for his drug use.
I happen to believe (and it took me a long time to get to this place) but I beleive we are responsible for our wellbeing and happiness. If we don't put our needs (not wants...but needs) first, who will? No one.
Who knows what the future holds but today you just need to do whats right for you. Its scary as hell to leave the insanity behind...I'm sure its no less scary for a victim of physical abuse...but I think you'll be amazed at how fast things can turn around if you just step boldly in the direction you need to go.
You've found a great support system here at SR. I hope you get as much comfort and strength as I did from simply knowing that there are others out here who 'get it' because we've been thru it. That simple piece of knowledge gave me great relief and comfort when I stumbled into this place.
Welcome again..
Mary
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by cessy68
Hi there sweets, I'm not one on here to give 'solid' advice on how to know when to stay or go.... (because that is the place I'm at right now, where I'm neeing clarity or support.)
However, I do want you to try to hear what I say.... and remember what your life was like living with an addict.
Did you have peace?
Did you feel trust?
Did you feel respected?
Did you feel honored?
Did you feel supported-/emotionally/financially/ physically
Did you feel that you were priority #1?
If you answer a resounding YES, I'd be shocked.... becasue living with an addict 'robs' you of all of those things, (that by the way are in 'most' wedding vows).
In addition, the wheelchair analogy isn't quite the same.... that person can still 'give' trust- respect- honor- friendship- support-etc. from a wheelchair. A person who is an addict isn't capable of 'giving' those things to you.
SO, others here who know my story, may say "cess, listen to you." Well, hon, I am..... these ae thing I'm realizng, becase I CHOOSE to stay with an addict.
It isn't worth it---- it becomes selling your soul to the devil.... (meaning it's tempting and you are deluded with promises of grandoise nature, but bottom line is nothing good will come out of it, and you WILL be miserable.)
Be thankful, that you are away. Be thankful that your children do not have to be subject to drug addicted B.S.
Be thankful that you have friends/dates, (whomever) to share some 'adult' time with.
If you back out of this---and assume HIS MANIPULATION, you just made the first concession on a long road to perdition.
Finally sweets, think about something... He can't 'eat' on his own? For the love of god, if his addicton is 'that progressed', by golly let him fall down competely.... he's real close. Once he does, perhaps he can get help. That's the only thing that will ultimately 'help' him at this point. Furthermore, what kind of 'man' would allow his daughter to witness him that weak?? 'Daddys' should be doing the protecting/providing/and feeding of the children he brought into the world. That poor daughter evidently only has YOU to look at for that kind of support..... don't let her see you trying to take care of a man like that. HE should be ashamed of himself for doing that to you guys..... (but he can't be ashamed, because he's an addict.)
There are all different levels of addiction.... he really sounds liked he'd be much better served if you let him 'fall', and honey, save you and your children and let it happen.
I whole heartedly believe you did the right things...... stay strong, and admire YOURSELF for doing what is 'hard' for you.
Lots of love,
Cessy
However, I do want you to try to hear what I say.... and remember what your life was like living with an addict.
Did you have peace?
Did you feel trust?
Did you feel respected?
Did you feel honored?
Did you feel supported-/emotionally/financially/ physically
Did you feel that you were priority #1?
If you answer a resounding YES, I'd be shocked.... becasue living with an addict 'robs' you of all of those things, (that by the way are in 'most' wedding vows).
In addition, the wheelchair analogy isn't quite the same.... that person can still 'give' trust- respect- honor- friendship- support-etc. from a wheelchair. A person who is an addict isn't capable of 'giving' those things to you.
SO, others here who know my story, may say "cess, listen to you." Well, hon, I am..... these ae thing I'm realizng, becase I CHOOSE to stay with an addict.
It isn't worth it---- it becomes selling your soul to the devil.... (meaning it's tempting and you are deluded with promises of grandoise nature, but bottom line is nothing good will come out of it, and you WILL be miserable.)
Be thankful, that you are away. Be thankful that your children do not have to be subject to drug addicted B.S.
Be thankful that you have friends/dates, (whomever) to share some 'adult' time with.
If you back out of this---and assume HIS MANIPULATION, you just made the first concession on a long road to perdition.
Finally sweets, think about something... He can't 'eat' on his own? For the love of god, if his addicton is 'that progressed', by golly let him fall down competely.... he's real close. Once he does, perhaps he can get help. That's the only thing that will ultimately 'help' him at this point. Furthermore, what kind of 'man' would allow his daughter to witness him that weak?? 'Daddys' should be doing the protecting/providing/and feeding of the children he brought into the world. That poor daughter evidently only has YOU to look at for that kind of support..... don't let her see you trying to take care of a man like that. HE should be ashamed of himself for doing that to you guys..... (but he can't be ashamed, because he's an addict.)
There are all different levels of addiction.... he really sounds liked he'd be much better served if you let him 'fall', and honey, save you and your children and let it happen.
I whole heartedly believe you did the right things...... stay strong, and admire YOURSELF for doing what is 'hard' for you.
Lots of love,
Cessy
Thanks, KariSue
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by KariSue
What do you mean when you say that there are all levels of addiction?
Thanks, KariSue
Thanks, KariSue
Ex... Some addicts I've heard about and have seen, (my cousin is an addict-- he ended up stealing from his mother while she was dying of cancer, was without a job, because he couldn't hold one down, went to jail because of buying/selling dope)---- that is pretty far down on the addiction progression.
We all said, if my aunt kicked him out, perhaps that would have been his last leg ripped out from under him.
Some addicts--- like mine, or I think Callie, others here, have addicts in their lives who still work everyday, aren't stealing/robbing stores/parents/, have their financial stuff in tact, aren't being abusive..... ( just a different 'level' of where the disease is at.
THIS IS NOT TO CLAIM/SAY, that this is o.k. either, just that everyone has their breaking point.
I truely believe that if my addict couldn't hold a job, or have credit (that is necessary to make life purchases with) or was being hauled off to prison, these are the "it's enough" barometer for me.
Also, there may come a time where my addict will face those things.....
I'm just saying , 'for me' that would be my tolerence barometer.
Did i clairfy what I was trying to say?
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I will no longer take a front seat to anyone's addiction, including my 31 year old AD. She's been around the rooms of recovery since she was 8 years old. She knows there's a better way to live, and she doesn't want it.
You said his last trip to rehab was in 2006. Therefore he has been given the tools for recovery, and he chooses not to.
His manipulation of your daughter to bring him food when you weren't home, and then to trash talk you, and your daughter comes home in tears is abuse, plain and simple.
You said his last trip to rehab was in 2006. Therefore he has been given the tools for recovery, and he chooses not to.
His manipulation of your daughter to bring him food when you weren't home, and then to trash talk you, and your daughter comes home in tears is abuse, plain and simple.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
. She's been around the rooms of recovery since she was 8 years old. She knows there's a better way to live, and she doesn't want it.
he has been given the tools for recovery, and he chooses not to.
His manipulation of your daughter to bring him food when you weren't home, and then to trash talk you, and your daughter comes home in tears is abuse, plain and simple.
he has been given the tools for recovery, and he chooses not to.
His manipulation of your daughter to bring him food when you weren't home, and then to trash talk you, and your daughter comes home in tears is abuse, plain and simple.
hugs,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Abundance
Did you have peace? NO
Did you feel trust? NO
Did you feel respected? NO
Did you feel honored? NO
Did you feel supported-/emotionally/financially/ physically? NO X 4
Did you feel that you were priority #1? NO
Did you feel trust? NO
Did you feel respected? NO
Did you feel honored? NO
Did you feel supported-/emotionally/financially/ physically? NO X 4
Did you feel that you were priority #1? NO
I believe that is most of our response when we have to ask ourselves those questions.
Just really sux when you look at it that way. I gotta thank laurie and Cyn one for pushing me to 'write' my list of pros and cons....
I started with writing out what I 'want/need' in a relationship..... and asked myself if those things were on my pro list.
NOPE.
Hugs
cessy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
