What have you done/said about your child's/sibling's drug use
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 393
What have you done/said about your child's/sibling's drug use
I posted something similar to this in the substance abuse forum, but I forgot there was a family section. I erased some stuff, and added other studff for this post. Here's my problem:
My parents threatened to throw me out once (one of the reasons why I stopped using in May) and my mom called me "selfish", she said I don't love myself or love them. Those words hurt a lot, and i still have resentment towards them for saying those things. Mainly because they were true. I didn't love myself, and I didn't really care how my addiction was hurting them. I was being selfish. I used to steal my moms vics and percs while she was lying in bed in pain. I used to steal their money to go out and party. So although it's all true, it still hurt hearing it from her mouth. At one point, she told me she didn't care anymore, and that if i wanted to die, then I could go ahead and die. So now im clean, and there's less tension in the house, but I cannot get over those words, so I seldomy talk to them. It's an awkward silence moment like all day in here, except dinner time, then we talk sort of.
But they've been there for me when I was in the psych ward (because the drugs caused psychosis, suicidality, and homicidal feelings), they visited almost everyday. They've sat with me in hospitals during my overdoses, they've tried to give me reasons to feel happy and love myself. they gave me a place to stay when they should have kicked me out on the streets.
They already lost my sister (their daughter) at age 22, and it seemed like i was about to die a few times at the same age.
How would you suspect my parents are feeling? I can't talk to them to find out. Like I said, I'm still hurt by the things my mom said. And we were never good at communicating in the first place. We did three family therapy sessions, and it didn't go well in my opinion. All we did was talk about my depression and how Im brigning the family down. As if they were at fault as well. they definitely have their share of problems.
Plus whenever i talk about drugs or my depression, my mom can't handle it, she starts to cry. And as an active addict, I was constatnly fighting with them, telling them it was okay and that my use wasn't bad. I ignored all their love and support at the time. I think the damage has been done, and i have no idea how to repair the relationship that was already broken. Once my sister died, I felt distant from my parents. I loved my sister more than my parents. I talked to her more than my parents. They never talked to me about her death. They never asked how I was feeling about losing a sibling.
Do they even trust that i'm 41 days clean? Do you trust your problem friend/family member?
My parents threatened to throw me out once (one of the reasons why I stopped using in May) and my mom called me "selfish", she said I don't love myself or love them. Those words hurt a lot, and i still have resentment towards them for saying those things. Mainly because they were true. I didn't love myself, and I didn't really care how my addiction was hurting them. I was being selfish. I used to steal my moms vics and percs while she was lying in bed in pain. I used to steal their money to go out and party. So although it's all true, it still hurt hearing it from her mouth. At one point, she told me she didn't care anymore, and that if i wanted to die, then I could go ahead and die. So now im clean, and there's less tension in the house, but I cannot get over those words, so I seldomy talk to them. It's an awkward silence moment like all day in here, except dinner time, then we talk sort of.
But they've been there for me when I was in the psych ward (because the drugs caused psychosis, suicidality, and homicidal feelings), they visited almost everyday. They've sat with me in hospitals during my overdoses, they've tried to give me reasons to feel happy and love myself. they gave me a place to stay when they should have kicked me out on the streets.
They already lost my sister (their daughter) at age 22, and it seemed like i was about to die a few times at the same age.
How would you suspect my parents are feeling? I can't talk to them to find out. Like I said, I'm still hurt by the things my mom said. And we were never good at communicating in the first place. We did three family therapy sessions, and it didn't go well in my opinion. All we did was talk about my depression and how Im brigning the family down. As if they were at fault as well. they definitely have their share of problems.
Plus whenever i talk about drugs or my depression, my mom can't handle it, she starts to cry. And as an active addict, I was constatnly fighting with them, telling them it was okay and that my use wasn't bad. I ignored all their love and support at the time. I think the damage has been done, and i have no idea how to repair the relationship that was already broken. Once my sister died, I felt distant from my parents. I loved my sister more than my parents. I talked to her more than my parents. They never talked to me about her death. They never asked how I was feeling about losing a sibling.
Do they even trust that i'm 41 days clean? Do you trust your problem friend/family member?
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Hi Cleansing,
I'm so glad you posted over here. I visit the Substance Abuse forum a lot. My "problem family member" (and I really liked the way you put that
) is my husband, so I'm not sure I can really speak to your situation, but I think that there's a lot we can all learn from each other. The support I've gotten when I have posted on substance abuse forums has been amazingly helpful, informational, and caring. I can definitely relate to the difficulties you & your parents are having discussing your addiction. There are things that, because of our relationship and the very personal nature of the hurt I feel, I'm not comfortable yet asking my husband about his addiction, so I often seek that kind of info here from other recovering addicts. So, although I can't really offer you any info, I just wanted to let you know that you are welcome here anytime
Daisy
PS - No, I don't really trust him yet, but it hasn't been very long...
I'm so glad you posted over here. I visit the Substance Abuse forum a lot. My "problem family member" (and I really liked the way you put that
) is my husband, so I'm not sure I can really speak to your situation, but I think that there's a lot we can all learn from each other. The support I've gotten when I have posted on substance abuse forums has been amazingly helpful, informational, and caring. I can definitely relate to the difficulties you & your parents are having discussing your addiction. There are things that, because of our relationship and the very personal nature of the hurt I feel, I'm not comfortable yet asking my husband about his addiction, so I often seek that kind of info here from other recovering addicts. So, although I can't really offer you any info, I just wanted to let you know that you are welcome here anytime Daisy
PS - No, I don't really trust him yet, but it hasn't been very long...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 393
Someone told me I need to forgive my parents and communicate more. But I need to mention a lot of stuff in therapy before I do that. As a family (me, my mom, my dad) we don't communicate too often. None of us talk to each other. We have done family therapy, but the focus was put on me, nothing was said about my parents. We did two sessions then stopped.
Here's the deep rooted stuff:
Long story short, I always felt like they weren't supportive of my sister while she had her cancer. They told her they didn't care anymore if she lived or died. They claiemd she had given up. I hated them for that. And when she finally died, I felt like i lsot my best friend, the person I loved the most in this world.
And I feel like they gave up on me too, well to some extent. They never put me out on the streets, but they did say they stopped caring, and I guess they did because i'd come home high and they'd stop saying stuff to me and just wouldn't bother with me. Once I Oded and they didn't come to see me in the hospital. It's cool though, i understand I had crossed the line.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love them and am so grateful for letting me stay home. i would have died out there in the streets. ODed on somethign and be dead. But even that is hard to communicate to them. We don't hug/kiss in this family. I write them cards saying i love them, but I wonder if that's the same a a hug with a spoken "I Love You".
I do need to forgive them though. I know they were only trying to help, the whole way through. And while somethings they said seemed to be said just to hurt me, they had the right to say those things. i had them worried sick, frustrated, depressed, and angry.
I think before i have a family therapy session, I gotta talk to my therapist about the situation with my sisters' cancer, how I feel like they said things during my active addiction just to hurt me (i.e. they said they didn't care, but they had to, otrherwise I would have been put on the streets). And I'll keep that stuff amongst you guys, myself, and my therapist. The family therapy sessions will just be about communicating more. Because if I ever mentioend i wwas angry at them because of how ?i treated my sister, that would open up a whole set of emotions.
Here's the deep rooted stuff:
Long story short, I always felt like they weren't supportive of my sister while she had her cancer. They told her they didn't care anymore if she lived or died. They claiemd she had given up. I hated them for that. And when she finally died, I felt like i lsot my best friend, the person I loved the most in this world.
And I feel like they gave up on me too, well to some extent. They never put me out on the streets, but they did say they stopped caring, and I guess they did because i'd come home high and they'd stop saying stuff to me and just wouldn't bother with me. Once I Oded and they didn't come to see me in the hospital. It's cool though, i understand I had crossed the line.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love them and am so grateful for letting me stay home. i would have died out there in the streets. ODed on somethign and be dead. But even that is hard to communicate to them. We don't hug/kiss in this family. I write them cards saying i love them, but I wonder if that's the same a a hug with a spoken "I Love You".
I do need to forgive them though. I know they were only trying to help, the whole way through. And while somethings they said seemed to be said just to hurt me, they had the right to say those things. i had them worried sick, frustrated, depressed, and angry.
I think before i have a family therapy session, I gotta talk to my therapist about the situation with my sisters' cancer, how I feel like they said things during my active addiction just to hurt me (i.e. they said they didn't care, but they had to, otrherwise I would have been put on the streets). And I'll keep that stuff amongst you guys, myself, and my therapist. The family therapy sessions will just be about communicating more. Because if I ever mentioend i wwas angry at them because of how ?i treated my sister, that would open up a whole set of emotions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
41 days clean is an accommplishment, albeit a blip in time. No doubt they are afraid you will relapse and are bracing themselves for the rollercoaster, again.
Addicts say and do a lot of things they might not otherwise do to sustain their addiction.
Parents say and do a lot of things they might not otherwise do, because they often have a front row seat watching their child kill themselves, with drugs. That your parents lost your sister has to make this especially difficult, on them.
This " not caring" talk is likely a defensive mechanism. Pay attention to their actions. Sounds like they were there for you when you needed them. They allowed you back in their home, even though you stole from them and abused their trust.
They may be learning to pay attention to your actions moreso than your words, too. Are you employed? In school? Do you pay rent? Do you do chores around the house? Are you proactively making ammends for what you stole frm them? It's your life. Your relationship with your parent. It's up to you.
Addicts say and do a lot of things they might not otherwise do to sustain their addiction.
Parents say and do a lot of things they might not otherwise do, because they often have a front row seat watching their child kill themselves, with drugs. That your parents lost your sister has to make this especially difficult, on them.
This " not caring" talk is likely a defensive mechanism. Pay attention to their actions. Sounds like they were there for you when you needed them. They allowed you back in their home, even though you stole from them and abused their trust.
They may be learning to pay attention to your actions moreso than your words, too. Are you employed? In school? Do you pay rent? Do you do chores around the house? Are you proactively making ammends for what you stole frm them? It's your life. Your relationship with your parent. It's up to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I think a lot of parents, me included, say things to hopefully get through to their child and make them see how much they are hurting themselves and everyone in the family. When I am in the middle of situation with my son I often wonder how the things I am saying affect him. But I can't sugar coat what needs to be said because that is just part of enableing him. I love him more than life, as I am sure your parents do you but there is a limit to what I will put up with and what I can live with. My son has done so many things to destroy my trust in him and very little to regain that trust and that hurts me so much. He also has to forgive himself for the things he has done. You have to forgive yourself and maybe when you do that you will have a better understanding of the things they have said to you. Be patient with your parents they have been through more than you will ever know. Good luck
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
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Originally Posted by outtolunch 
This " not caring" talk is likely a defensive mechanism. Pay attention to their actions. Sounds like they were there for you when you needed them. They allowed you back in their home, even though you stole from them and abused their trust.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
They may be learning to pay attention to your actions moreso than your words, too. Are you employed? In school? Do you pay rent? Do you do chores around the house? Are you proactively making ammends for what you stole frm them? It's your life. Your relationship with your parent. It's up to you.
But I just wish I could talk to them more. i don't even know what to say. i can't even say "how was your day today?"
Liek i said, i need to work things out in therapy. I mean we talk, but not enough.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I would have done or said anything to get my kid sober.
I tried everything everyone told me to do, things I read, things I thought up myself... you name it. I told her I loved her, I told her I hated her, I locked her in, I locked her out, I tried upfront honesty, I tried manipulation, I lied, I told the truth. And, of course, not one thing I said or did made any difference.
But it took ME going to Alanon for five years before I could accept that she is on her own path, with her own higher power.
I figure most of what she has said in her active addiction and even in her tmes of sobriety were things she needed to say to get what she needed from me at the time. She didn't think to herself, "Oh, today I think I will break mama's heart, rip apart my relationship with dad and wound my children." She just did what she did.
If my kid wants to make amends, to be honest, she better have more than 40 days of sobriety... cause I've learned to distrust new recovery. Which may be why most 12 step programs don't require making amends until far into the process....and not at the beginning.
It sounds like you and your family have much to discuss, and far to go in your healing, but I would advise you not let one phrase stick on you too much... after all, they may have been trying to shock you into sobriety, or just spoke out of frustration.
((hugs))
I tried everything everyone told me to do, things I read, things I thought up myself... you name it. I told her I loved her, I told her I hated her, I locked her in, I locked her out, I tried upfront honesty, I tried manipulation, I lied, I told the truth. And, of course, not one thing I said or did made any difference.
But it took ME going to Alanon for five years before I could accept that she is on her own path, with her own higher power.
I figure most of what she has said in her active addiction and even in her tmes of sobriety were things she needed to say to get what she needed from me at the time. She didn't think to herself, "Oh, today I think I will break mama's heart, rip apart my relationship with dad and wound my children." She just did what she did.
If my kid wants to make amends, to be honest, she better have more than 40 days of sobriety... cause I've learned to distrust new recovery. Which may be why most 12 step programs don't require making amends until far into the process....and not at the beginning.
It sounds like you and your family have much to discuss, and far to go in your healing, but I would advise you not let one phrase stick on you too much... after all, they may have been trying to shock you into sobriety, or just spoke out of frustration.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
You asked how your parents might feel. I don't know but I can tell you how I'd feel as a mom.
I'd feel cautiously optimistic. I'd be glad that you were clean but secretly wondering if it would last. I would be looking for ACTIONS and never believing your WORDS or what you say. I could slowly gain my trust of my son back if I saw him DOING things and being responsible.
If your mom can't handle talking about your addiction I can understand that. Give her time. It was a long, hard road for her as well as for you. Things are not going to be back to normal overnight. In the meantime, why not show her you care? Do things around the house without being asked, give her a sincere compliment.... Wake up each morning thinking to yourself "What can I do today to make her life a bit easier." I know you have to work on yourself but just a little gesture here or there for her would make a world of difference to her. But I'd DO something because parents are always wary of addicts words. They don't mean a lot to us. At first she might not respond but over time I bet she will and maybe that will be a way to open up dialogue.
Just some thoughts.
Congratulations on being clean. Your mom IS relieved about that and she loves you very much no matter what it looks like. Come on, she's been there with you every step of the way. Don't ever forget that.
Kari
I'd feel cautiously optimistic. I'd be glad that you were clean but secretly wondering if it would last. I would be looking for ACTIONS and never believing your WORDS or what you say. I could slowly gain my trust of my son back if I saw him DOING things and being responsible.
If your mom can't handle talking about your addiction I can understand that. Give her time. It was a long, hard road for her as well as for you. Things are not going to be back to normal overnight. In the meantime, why not show her you care? Do things around the house without being asked, give her a sincere compliment.... Wake up each morning thinking to yourself "What can I do today to make her life a bit easier." I know you have to work on yourself but just a little gesture here or there for her would make a world of difference to her. But I'd DO something because parents are always wary of addicts words. They don't mean a lot to us. At first she might not respond but over time I bet she will and maybe that will be a way to open up dialogue.
Just some thoughts.
Congratulations on being clean. Your mom IS relieved about that and she loves you very much no matter what it looks like. Come on, she's been there with you every step of the way. Don't ever forget that.
Kari
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
I thought about your post and then I thought about your parents and how supportive they have been. My son is also an addict and it has been over 8 years since we have been together to share life. And yes I have said some of the same things your parents have said in desperation to see if there was any life or sign of the son that was once the person that I loved before drugs took over.
I have to say I really admire their courage and unsaid love that they have for you, I'm not sure that I could be so brave with my son. The loss that I grieved for him was death, you see someone or something else called crack took his body and mind and I went through all the funeral rituals that came with that loss.
I also admire your mind set to change, if it were easy to stop doing drugs we wouldn't have all these wonderful places to download our feelings so that we could work through the problems.
All I can say is keep working on staying sober.. your parents see something in you that is worth fighting for..they have learned to stand back and watch if you can take life on lifes terms as they have done since you and your sister have been born. A loss of a child for a parent is one of the hardest and most difficult to endure.. Please be patient with yourself and especially with them since you don't know at this point how terribly fragile they may be.
lauren
I have to say I really admire their courage and unsaid love that they have for you, I'm not sure that I could be so brave with my son. The loss that I grieved for him was death, you see someone or something else called crack took his body and mind and I went through all the funeral rituals that came with that loss.
I also admire your mind set to change, if it were easy to stop doing drugs we wouldn't have all these wonderful places to download our feelings so that we could work through the problems.
All I can say is keep working on staying sober.. your parents see something in you that is worth fighting for..they have learned to stand back and watch if you can take life on lifes terms as they have done since you and your sister have been born. A loss of a child for a parent is one of the hardest and most difficult to endure.. Please be patient with yourself and especially with them since you don't know at this point how terribly fragile they may be.
lauren
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Congratulations on your clean time! That's fantastic news and a great accomplishment!!It really does sound as though your parents love you very much! Please don't judge them harshly because they are human and have been through quite a bit. After all, they lost one child and thought they were getting ready to lose another. That kind of grief is something I can't begin to comprehend.
Keep up the great work. Focus on your sobriety and hold onto it with both hands! Brighter days ahead for you all!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Congratulations on being clean and keep up the good work...
Perhaps meetings would help put some things into perspective
I am the mother of an addicted daughter and there is some empathy for your parents
from my perspective. They have made many mistakes as all parents and human being do -- forgive them.. They have also given a great deal to you -- look at their actions.
Try to understand that they are cautious - they have been hurt by your choices and they are protecting themselves by being cautiously optimistic this time.
They have lost one child and they have worried about losing you -- this is an enormous
worry for any parent. Perhaps you can show them support first -- show them you are changing and that you love them and are thankful to have such supportive parents.
Help around the house without being asked, ask them how their day has been,
tell them how you appreciate various things that they do and have done in the past.
As you become more responsive to them, you may see that they will respond to you
as well. Realize your sobriety is new to them and your willingness to communicate is also
new to them -- give them a chance, as they have given to you..
All the Best..
Perhaps meetings would help put some things into perspective
I am the mother of an addicted daughter and there is some empathy for your parents
from my perspective. They have made many mistakes as all parents and human being do -- forgive them.. They have also given a great deal to you -- look at their actions.
Try to understand that they are cautious - they have been hurt by your choices and they are protecting themselves by being cautiously optimistic this time.
They have lost one child and they have worried about losing you -- this is an enormous
worry for any parent. Perhaps you can show them support first -- show them you are changing and that you love them and are thankful to have such supportive parents.
Help around the house without being asked, ask them how their day has been,
tell them how you appreciate various things that they do and have done in the past.
As you become more responsive to them, you may see that they will respond to you
as well. Realize your sobriety is new to them and your willingness to communicate is also
new to them -- give them a chance, as they have given to you..
All the Best..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
I too would like to say congratualations on being clean. That is a wonderful thing.
I would like to share a little of my story. My daughter is 24 years old and has a 2yr and 5yr old. They live with me and my husband. The nightmare of my daughters addiction and spiral downward has been going on for a long time. She is my only child. We were once VERY close. I love my child very much, and have worried so long that I would lose her.
She has done many things to our family. Lied, manipulated, stolen, used us, anything she could just to keep her addiction alive. We in turn have done many things to hurt her also. I have said and done many things that I really didn't mean or shouldn't have done. But as a parent you just get so tired of trying everything you know to do and when it doesn't work it is heartbreaking. So you have to harden you heart as much as you can.
My daughter was clean for 8 months last year. That was her very first real attempt at getting clean and she worked very hard for it. I was so very proud of her. Were things perfect, absolutely not, but I was very grateful for that short reprieve. She relapsed for a few months. She is now clean again for about 3 months. But she has so much work to do on herself. I have alot of work to do on myself. So it is an ongoing process. I still wait for the other shoe to drop. I am hopeful but I cannot be totally happy about it. Does that make sense?
We as parents always love you. All I want is to see my daughter happy. But I cannot make her happy. She has to decide that is what she wants. We have a hard time communicating with each other because of this awful disease. So just because your parents don't tell you that you are doing a great job, that they are proud of you, don't think that they aren't. THEY ARE STILL AFRAID. You have to realize what this disease has done to your relationship. It cannot be fixed overnite.
I don't have any answers for you except to be patient with them, try to keep showing them that you are trying to change. Everybody is right, words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.
You cannot change how your parents feel, only they can change that. You can change how you feel and what you do with those feelings. Just keep doing what you are supposed to do and YOUR life will fall into place. It is going to take alot of hard work, and I for one hope you can be happy. Because that is really all we want for our children, is for you to be happy and healthy.
God Bless and I am sending prayers your way.
Gotahavfaith
I would like to share a little of my story. My daughter is 24 years old and has a 2yr and 5yr old. They live with me and my husband. The nightmare of my daughters addiction and spiral downward has been going on for a long time. She is my only child. We were once VERY close. I love my child very much, and have worried so long that I would lose her.
She has done many things to our family. Lied, manipulated, stolen, used us, anything she could just to keep her addiction alive. We in turn have done many things to hurt her also. I have said and done many things that I really didn't mean or shouldn't have done. But as a parent you just get so tired of trying everything you know to do and when it doesn't work it is heartbreaking. So you have to harden you heart as much as you can.
My daughter was clean for 8 months last year. That was her very first real attempt at getting clean and she worked very hard for it. I was so very proud of her. Were things perfect, absolutely not, but I was very grateful for that short reprieve. She relapsed for a few months. She is now clean again for about 3 months. But she has so much work to do on herself. I have alot of work to do on myself. So it is an ongoing process. I still wait for the other shoe to drop. I am hopeful but I cannot be totally happy about it. Does that make sense?
We as parents always love you. All I want is to see my daughter happy. But I cannot make her happy. She has to decide that is what she wants. We have a hard time communicating with each other because of this awful disease. So just because your parents don't tell you that you are doing a great job, that they are proud of you, don't think that they aren't. THEY ARE STILL AFRAID. You have to realize what this disease has done to your relationship. It cannot be fixed overnite.
I don't have any answers for you except to be patient with them, try to keep showing them that you are trying to change. Everybody is right, words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.
You cannot change how your parents feel, only they can change that. You can change how you feel and what you do with those feelings. Just keep doing what you are supposed to do and YOUR life will fall into place. It is going to take alot of hard work, and I for one hope you can be happy. Because that is really all we want for our children, is for you to be happy and healthy.
God Bless and I am sending prayers your way.
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You know i've asked other addicts before if they knew what they did to us - most said no. You ask a question that touches my heart because some day, if my son seeks recovery, i think he may ask me these questions. What will I say? I've said so many things in the heat of arguments and pain. There were times that i siad things i really didnt mean "like i dont care" because i was trying to step away from the pain. If i loved him - it hurt - if i was angry it hurt so indifference was easier for me.
I dont know what your parents felt but if my son asked me your question I would say to him: During all of it I never stopped loving you and i never stopped hoping but at times i did feel like giving up because the pain was more than i could take. when you seemed determined to kill yourself i had to give up and accept that you may die because there was no other way that i could wrap my head around it. You didnt care about yourself and that made it very hard for me to care - I realized there was nothing i could do but let you go. When I look at your life i see such wasted time and that saddens me but through it all the only thing i really wanted for you was for you to be healthy and happy. when you used and then came back and said "never again" I wanted to believe you but you had let yourself down so many times that i couldnt just jump back in - i couldnt protect you but i had to try to stay prepared for the worst. Only time can rebuild the trust. i would ask my son to give me time because i had to close up a part of my heart to keep from being destroyed and it would take time before i could open it again. Through all of it when i looked at you i saw my baby and it hurt my soul to know that i may loose you to this - so i stepped back and away from you so that if your life ended i wouldnt die along with you.
I may never get to say these words to my son but maybe it can give you some insight into how a parent feels. thank you for giving me the opportunity to say them.
I dont know what your parents felt but if my son asked me your question I would say to him: During all of it I never stopped loving you and i never stopped hoping but at times i did feel like giving up because the pain was more than i could take. when you seemed determined to kill yourself i had to give up and accept that you may die because there was no other way that i could wrap my head around it. You didnt care about yourself and that made it very hard for me to care - I realized there was nothing i could do but let you go. When I look at your life i see such wasted time and that saddens me but through it all the only thing i really wanted for you was for you to be healthy and happy. when you used and then came back and said "never again" I wanted to believe you but you had let yourself down so many times that i couldnt just jump back in - i couldnt protect you but i had to try to stay prepared for the worst. Only time can rebuild the trust. i would ask my son to give me time because i had to close up a part of my heart to keep from being destroyed and it would take time before i could open it again. Through all of it when i looked at you i saw my baby and it hurt my soul to know that i may loose you to this - so i stepped back and away from you so that if your life ended i wouldnt die along with you.
I may never get to say these words to my son but maybe it can give you some insight into how a parent feels. thank you for giving me the opportunity to say them.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by winnie12
Through all of it when i looked at you i saw my baby and it hurt my soul to know that i may loose you to this - so i stepped back and away from you so that if your life ended i wouldnt die along with you.
I may never get to say these words to my son but maybe it can give you some insight into how a parent feels. thank you for giving me the opportunity to say them.
I may never get to say these words to my son but maybe it can give you some insight into how a parent feels. thank you for giving me the opportunity to say them.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
Honestly...
I get where they are coming from. My situation is a bit different because the main alcoholic that I am dealing with is a sibling. I feel parents play a slightly different role but even in my situation I was for a time a parent to my sibling (legally) and have often been put in a parental position.
I agree with what your parents have said. You are selfish and until you have adequately proven otherwise (41 days sober is realtively short) they have good reason to draw boundaries with you - especially if they are sick and trying to maintain their own health. Even in sobriety, an alcoholics constant selfishness and self centeredness can be extremely draining and debilitating. You said it yourself, they were there for you everyday you were in the psych ward and how did you repay them? You stole their meds and thought only of your own needs. Did you ever consider how THEY may be feeling after losing your sister?
So those words they said (out of their own need to care for themselves) hurt you. Oh well. Sounds like you have done alot to hurt them too.
I agree with what your parents have said. You are selfish and until you have adequately proven otherwise (41 days sober is realtively short) they have good reason to draw boundaries with you - especially if they are sick and trying to maintain their own health. Even in sobriety, an alcoholics constant selfishness and self centeredness can be extremely draining and debilitating. You said it yourself, they were there for you everyday you were in the psych ward and how did you repay them? You stole their meds and thought only of your own needs. Did you ever consider how THEY may be feeling after losing your sister?
So those words they said (out of their own need to care for themselves) hurt you. Oh well. Sounds like you have done alot to hurt them too.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 393
Thank you all for your insight and perspectives. I'm now certain that my parents never stopped loving me. And I can see that some the pain you all experienced is surely what I put my own parents through.
I think I can speak for all addicts when I say we never stopped loving you either. We just didn't care for our own lives as much. Well we cared, but life was about getting that next high, and that was all that was important to live. Most of us didn't want to die, But I have to admit, the scary thing is that some addicts do want to die, and they use hoping the drugs will kill them (I've learned that while i was in the psych ward met some people there who used just to die).
And to be VERY honest, and to let this out somewhere, I also used to die. I've ended up in the hospital more than once. And it wasn't a blatant suicide attempt, it was more of a "well let's just see what happens this time around," sort of thing. It wasn't all the drugs, it was my mental disorder working too. I just wasn't thinking right, and would get real careless with my use. I became a fiend.
So I'm 42 days sober and i really don't know how much has changed. I isolate a lot, feel unhappy, still sleep too much, smoke a lot of cigarettes. You've noticed that about your children in early recovery?
I can say that even though i'm unhappy, i'm not depressed. I'm not manic, and I'm not psychotic. So stopping the drugs hs helped. I'm also opening up to people a little bit more, and I'm not so self conscious. My anxiety is down too.
There's good and bad right now. Just doing it a day at a time.
I think I can speak for all addicts when I say we never stopped loving you either. We just didn't care for our own lives as much. Well we cared, but life was about getting that next high, and that was all that was important to live. Most of us didn't want to die, But I have to admit, the scary thing is that some addicts do want to die, and they use hoping the drugs will kill them (I've learned that while i was in the psych ward met some people there who used just to die).
And to be VERY honest, and to let this out somewhere, I also used to die. I've ended up in the hospital more than once. And it wasn't a blatant suicide attempt, it was more of a "well let's just see what happens this time around," sort of thing. It wasn't all the drugs, it was my mental disorder working too. I just wasn't thinking right, and would get real careless with my use. I became a fiend.
So I'm 42 days sober and i really don't know how much has changed. I isolate a lot, feel unhappy, still sleep too much, smoke a lot of cigarettes. You've noticed that about your children in early recovery?
I can say that even though i'm unhappy, i'm not depressed. I'm not manic, and I'm not psychotic. So stopping the drugs hs helped. I'm also opening up to people a little bit more, and I'm not so self conscious. My anxiety is down too.
There's good and bad right now. Just doing it a day at a time.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Cleansing
You have touched something in my heart. I am sending you great big mama hugs :ghug3
Please do not isolate yourself. I know you said you were going for counseling, how about any meetings? Finding a non using friend? I know this may be hard, it was for my daughter, she doesn't have very many of them.
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
Gotahavfaith
You have touched something in my heart. I am sending you great big mama hugs :ghug3
Please do not isolate yourself. I know you said you were going for counseling, how about any meetings? Finding a non using friend? I know this may be hard, it was for my daughter, she doesn't have very many of them.
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
Gotahavfaith
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I've seen my mom cry a few times when she knew I was going out to drink of get high, but I just went out anywayz. Nothing was gonna stop me, not the tears, or her words. I feel really bad now about those times. She would be balling, and i'd just tell her "I have to go!". I wish I wasn't so caught up in addiction. I watch intervention now and then, and i see families (even the guys) crying because of their addicted love one is on a path to death.
But today's 8pm episode of Intervention really touched my heart, and reminded me of this thread. This guy was a heroin addict. His mom was very attached to him since he was her first born. She was so sick and afraid because of his use, she was put on Xanax to stop her panic attacks. The problem is, she would still feel anxious all day thinking about her son, that she'd take 10-12 Xanax's in day. She ended up in the hospital twice for Xanax overdose.
It really made me feel for her more than any other mom on that show because my mom used to feel so depressed and anxious all the time, and it was all because I was doing wrong, and she would wonder if I'd one day, I would not wake up from my sleep.
My mom went on remeron/Mirtazapine for about a month, but she didn't like the side affetcs (it puts you to sleep and makes you gain weight).
So she's basically without meds or therapy right now. i sort of wish she would at least try therapy. she has issues that have nothing to do with me. And of course plenty that do deal with me. but she refuses to go to therapy. she's so emotional though. And she's in a lot fo pain. I think her depression is causing her to feel sick physically.
She doesn't talk to her sister or her side of the family much, my grandmother(her mother) is sick. she lost a child, she's had plenty of miscarriages, my father isa recovering heroin user/alcoholic. My mom's beeen through a lot, and sometimes she just gets real sad, and it seems like her history plays a big role.
Though I know a lot of it can be me too.
But today's 8pm episode of Intervention really touched my heart, and reminded me of this thread. This guy was a heroin addict. His mom was very attached to him since he was her first born. She was so sick and afraid because of his use, she was put on Xanax to stop her panic attacks. The problem is, she would still feel anxious all day thinking about her son, that she'd take 10-12 Xanax's in day. She ended up in the hospital twice for Xanax overdose.
It really made me feel for her more than any other mom on that show because my mom used to feel so depressed and anxious all the time, and it was all because I was doing wrong, and she would wonder if I'd one day, I would not wake up from my sleep.
My mom went on remeron/Mirtazapine for about a month, but she didn't like the side affetcs (it puts you to sleep and makes you gain weight).
So she's basically without meds or therapy right now. i sort of wish she would at least try therapy. she has issues that have nothing to do with me. And of course plenty that do deal with me. but she refuses to go to therapy. she's so emotional though. And she's in a lot fo pain. I think her depression is causing her to feel sick physically.
She doesn't talk to her sister or her side of the family much, my grandmother(her mother) is sick. she lost a child, she's had plenty of miscarriages, my father isa recovering heroin user/alcoholic. My mom's beeen through a lot, and sometimes she just gets real sad, and it seems like her history plays a big role.
Though I know a lot of it can be me too.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Hi Cleansing,
Have you thought of writing a letter to your Mom? I know that sometimes when it's difficult to talk about something, I'll find it easier to say what I want to in a letter. Tell her you love her, that you worry about her, that you appreciate all she has done for you. Sometimes it's easier to get our feelings out when we can just say what we want, and with a letter you can rewrite until it sounds like you want it to (kind of like posting on a message board )
~Daisy
Have you thought of writing a letter to your Mom? I know that sometimes when it's difficult to talk about something, I'll find it easier to say what I want to in a letter. Tell her you love her, that you worry about her, that you appreciate all she has done for you. Sometimes it's easier to get our feelings out when we can just say what we want, and with a letter you can rewrite until it sounds like you want it to (kind of like posting on a message board
)~Daisy
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