Thinking of telling him I will go to mtgs with him.
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Thinking of telling him I will go to mtgs with him.
I already explained my situation in another post, so I won't do it again, but...my ABF (exbf?) is coming over tonight to pick up some of his things.
In the bag with his things, I put the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" -it actually has helped me in the past to read that book and I thought it could help him.
His friend told me the other day that he's talking about going to AA meetings. I am thinking that, even though I have to stay broken up with him, that I might offer to go to meetings with him, as a friend.
What do you guys think?
In the bag with his things, I put the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" -it actually has helped me in the past to read that book and I thought it could help him.
His friend told me the other day that he's talking about going to AA meetings. I am thinking that, even though I have to stay broken up with him, that I might offer to go to meetings with him, as a friend.
What do you guys think?
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Also, I know him, and I don't think he would even ask me to go, cuz he'll just assume that since we're broken up, it's not an option.
Like I said, I would go "as a friend", and that's the only activity I'd engage in, with him.
We are definitely STILL broken up.
Like I said, I would go "as a friend", and that's the only activity I'd engage in, with him.
We are definitely STILL broken up.
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in my opinion its best for them to go on their own. i dont know if someone can be really free to share with someone sitting next to them that they know - they need a safe place and anonymity
i also used to do the thing of leaving things around for AS to read but that just tends to irritate and push him away from recovery more than help - in the end he has to come to it on his own
i also used to do the thing of leaving things around for AS to read but that just tends to irritate and push him away from recovery more than help - in the end he has to come to it on his own
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That's a really good point. Thanks for pointing that out.
Originally Posted by winnie12 
in my opinion its best for them to go on their own. i dont know if someone can be really free to share with someone sitting next to them that they know - they need a safe place and anonymity
i also used to do the thing of leaving things around for AS to read but that just tends to irritate and push him away from recovery more than help - in the end he has to come to it on his own
i also used to do the thing of leaving things around for AS to read but that just tends to irritate and push him away from recovery more than help - in the end he has to come to it on his own
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I went to a few meetings and you know what I found? A bunch of people who worked their butts off to stay clean. They would go to more then one meeting a DAY!!! They worked so hard, and it made me realize that my boyfriend couldn't even go to ONE. It made me see that there is A LOT of work in recovery and made me feel further apart from him for not doing the work that the people in the meetings did.
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Yeah, well before my current xbf, I was seeing a guy who had been sober 5 years. I went to meetings with him to be supportive.
Turns out he was emotionally abusive and psycho--traits that didn't have much to do w/his alcoholism but his alcoholism came from the same root as his abusiveness. He was abused as a child.
Anyway, he went to a lot of meetings on his own, but occasionally I would go with him, mainly on weekend nights. I actually got a lot out of those mtgs. But I guess, not enough, or I wouldn't have ended up with yet another addict/alcoholic. ???!!!!
Turns out he was emotionally abusive and psycho--traits that didn't have much to do w/his alcoholism but his alcoholism came from the same root as his abusiveness. He was abused as a child.
Anyway, he went to a lot of meetings on his own, but occasionally I would go with him, mainly on weekend nights. I actually got a lot out of those mtgs. But I guess, not enough, or I wouldn't have ended up with yet another addict/alcoholic. ???!!!!
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Originally Posted by littlebird77
I went to a few meetings and you know what I found? A bunch of people who worked their butts off to stay clean. They would go to more then one meeting a DAY!!! They worked so hard, and it made me realize that my boyfriend couldn't even go to ONE. It made me see that there is A LOT of work in recovery and made me feel further apart from him for not doing the work that the people in the meetings did.
My AH is using and he attends meetings and picks up his key fobes all the while thinking that he is fooling everyone into believing that he is sober.. I have attended a few of them at his request but the times I have gone I have only left frustrated with what I saw.. my husband fidgets, gets up goes to the bathroom, gets two or three cups of coffee and is never really present in the meeting.. whereas other members share there ESH with the group.. most are excited about their recovery even with their struggles and most of them have some kind of goal and like you said most attend a meeting every day sometimes more... So this just shows me that my AH is still quacking...
Sandrawg.. I know you mean well by wanting to go to meetings with him because you want to support him and you are trying to do whatever it takes to get him sober but the sad part is.. you can't get him sober.. going to meetings with him is not going to help him and it is not going to encourage him to go on his own.. the only way he will go to a meeting is when he is sick and tired of being sick and tired.. you can't hit is bottom for him sweetie. only he can do that..
Even though you are no longer in a relationship with him, I would encourage you to attend some Alanon meetings for your own sanity and serenity... work on you and your ability to have healthy relationships with healthy people..
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I think that letting your addict go to meetings on his own is the best course. A person that goes to a meeting may not feel free to share. A person at a meeting may not want their meeting attendance to be analyzed for quality. The program is part about sharing in meetings, attending meetings to hear some ES &H and a program of recovery is not always about meetings. It's about doing the work, the work of the steps, it's about sharing with sponsors. Sometimes it is about being in a safe place that a person feels they just won't be using in or at.
I would be unhappy if I went to get a cup of coffee or the bathroom and my friend or family member began to analyze "my recovery" based on my meeting behavior. In the meetings around where I live the meetings are 1.5 hours in length. Very few people stay the entire time. The room is always in motion, up and down, out, and I have accepted that people get what they can get out of the meeting and I don't try to judge them regarding how long they sat still in the room. Some of the long time members with years of sobriety have the same meeting style as in not sitting or staying the entire time.
I really think it is best to stay out of judging an addict by his meetings or attending meetings with addicts because it is for addicts. I don't really want to share in a room where people aren't addicts or watching or judging me based on my trip to the bathroom or if I had to leave early.
Without trying to be offensive at all my best advice is for family and friends to work on their own recovery. You can't control anyone which is the first thing I learned about being an addict. I have no control over anyone at all.
I would be unhappy if I went to get a cup of coffee or the bathroom and my friend or family member began to analyze "my recovery" based on my meeting behavior. In the meetings around where I live the meetings are 1.5 hours in length. Very few people stay the entire time. The room is always in motion, up and down, out, and I have accepted that people get what they can get out of the meeting and I don't try to judge them regarding how long they sat still in the room. Some of the long time members with years of sobriety have the same meeting style as in not sitting or staying the entire time.
I really think it is best to stay out of judging an addict by his meetings or attending meetings with addicts because it is for addicts. I don't really want to share in a room where people aren't addicts or watching or judging me based on my trip to the bathroom or if I had to leave early.
Without trying to be offensive at all my best advice is for family and friends to work on their own recovery. You can't control anyone which is the first thing I learned about being an addict. I have no control over anyone at all.
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
I guess I thought that him knowing I would go with him might make him more likely to want to do it.
I know, I know, codie behavior.
I know, I know, codie behavior.
He's a big boy. Treat him as such, and not a child who figuratively needs his hand held, okay? He has the right to make his own decisions, good and bad.
:ghug :ghug
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Originally Posted by meditation
I think that letting your addict go to meetings on his own is the best course. A person that goes to a meeting may not feel free to share. A person at a meeting may not want their meeting attendance to be analyzed for quality. The program is part about sharing in meetings, attending meetings to hear some ES &H and a program of recovery is not always about meetings. It's about doing the work, the work of the steps, it's about sharing with sponsors. Sometimes it is about being in a safe place that a person feels they just won't be using in or at.
I would be unhappy if I went to get a cup of coffee or the bathroom and my friend or family member began to analyze "my recovery" based on my meeting behavior. In the meetings around where I live the meetings are 1.5 hours in length. Very few people stay the entire time. The room is always in motion, up and down, out, and I have accepted that people get what they can get out of the meeting and I don't try to judge them regarding how long they sat still in the room. Some of the long time members with years of sobriety have the same meeting style as in not sitting or staying the entire time.
I really think it is best to stay out of judging an addict by his meetings or attending meetings with addicts because it is for addicts. I don't really want to share in a room where people aren't addicts or watching or judging me based on my trip to the bathroom or if I had to leave early.
Without trying to be offensive at all my best advice is for family and friends to work on their own recovery. You can't control anyone which is the first thing I learned about being an addict. I have no control over anyone at all.
I would be unhappy if I went to get a cup of coffee or the bathroom and my friend or family member began to analyze "my recovery" based on my meeting behavior. In the meetings around where I live the meetings are 1.5 hours in length. Very few people stay the entire time. The room is always in motion, up and down, out, and I have accepted that people get what they can get out of the meeting and I don't try to judge them regarding how long they sat still in the room. Some of the long time members with years of sobriety have the same meeting style as in not sitting or staying the entire time.
I really think it is best to stay out of judging an addict by his meetings or attending meetings with addicts because it is for addicts. I don't really want to share in a room where people aren't addicts or watching or judging me based on my trip to the bathroom or if I had to leave early.
Without trying to be offensive at all my best advice is for family and friends to work on their own recovery. You can't control anyone which is the first thing I learned about being an addict. I have no control over anyone at all.
I do understand your point but please understand mine..
I only went to meetings with my AH when he requested my presence.. the point of going was not to analyze or judge what he was doing though it was hard not to pay attention to his actions when he was so fidgety.. the realization came to me when I also see what he is doing outside of meetings compared to what his fellow members were doing.. which is NOTHING... No sponsor, having any excuse in the world for missing a meeting and no oversleeping is not a good excuse, and the same ol' behavior as before.. nothing changes if nothing changes..
Each meeting is different in it's own right and I would never go with my AH unless he asked because I do not want to intrude in that part of his recovery..
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
I guess I thought that him knowing I would go with him might make him more likely to want to do it.
I know, I know, codie behavior.
I know, I know, codie behavior.
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