sacramento

Hi all..
I moved in with my boyfriend 3 months ago. His 23 YO daughter has had a herion addiction for 3 years. She has been in rehab at least twice. She is now on methadone and planning to quit entirely on the 22nd. She was released from the hospital after a week stay after drinking herself nearly to death. Anyway, he planned to bring her home to stay in our house to get her straightened up. She is currently staying with her grandparents 8 hours away. Last night she disappeared and drank all night and slept in the park. I do not want her in my home. He is bringing her in against my wishes. Now we are fighting about it. This is not going to end well, I can feel it. Should I get out of the house? What can I do to help him through this?

Thanks in advance, my heart breaks for parents in this situation.

Seren

Hi Sacramento! Welcome and sorry for what brings you here.

There are a lot of parents on these boards who will be along soon to offer advice. I can offer the following from my own perspective. I am engaged to a man (not living together yet) whose 28 YO son nearly drank himself to death LAST summer, then returned to his crack habits and became a raging, angry, threatening person to be around. His father kicked him out of the house in February of this year.

His AS has been in an intensive outpatient program which did not "take". To the best of our knowledge, he is working but living in his car. He may not even be in the state anymore as far as we know.

I told him that I would not marry him/live with him if he allowed his son to move into his house again. That is both his choice and mine. My fiance is adamant that he DOES NOT WANT his son living with him again because he knows that he can't do anything to help him. While attending Al-Anon meetings and on these boards, we have learned the three C's of addiction: we did not Cause the addiction, we cannot Cure the addiction, and we cannot Control him and what he does.

If for some reason, my fiance decided he needed to 'rescue' his son, I would have to have not part of it to save my own sanity. That, I believe, is not going to happen because we are pretty much on the same page right now. I do understand that the situation could change at some point in the future.

Meanwhile, we pray everyday for this young man's safety and sobriety, and turn him over to his Higher Power every morning.

Hugs to you and your BF for all that you are going through. Good luck! HG

sacramento

Thank you both! I am torn between being supportive and having not part of this. In 2001 I broke up with an ex bf that was an alcoholic. We lived together for 6 years. I told my bf this moring that I cannot spend another day in that type of environment. I bought my own home and live a very happy life. I rented it out and moved in with him to a very rual area. I was very peaceful..At least I still have my own home. He is so mad at me for the harsh ( truthful) things I have been saying. He says she has no where to go.

Seren

I'm glad to hear that you have someplace else you can go. If you want to continue to live with your BF, at least you can remove yourself if things get crazy or tense.

I try very hard to NOT get angry about my future stepson's behavior, but it is hard when the young man hurts people I care about so much. It has taken a lot of work, and I'm not at all perfect in my responses to each situation, but I am making progress in detaching myself from the relationship between my fiance and his son. I know that the parent/child bond will always be stronger than anything he and I have together.

Can you talk to your BF about going to a local Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting? Talking things out each week with people who are living through the same things is really SO helpful.

Good luck, keep reading, keep posting.....Hugs, HG

sacramento

geez, this is hard! I've never met her or even shared 5 words with her. Now she is going to be in my house. I suppose I will leave if it is unbearable. From what I've read on this board it seems that is exactly what she needs right now is a dead end. Not a savior. He just told me he needs to know I have at least one ounce of hope this will work out for her.

I think he lost his mind. I asked him what special skills he has that no one else seems to possess.

Freedom1990

You have a right to a joyous and peaceful life free of addiction. Blood is going to be thicker than water in this deal, and sadly it sounds like he's willing to enable her.

My house is free of chaos, and I like it that way. I gave my 31 year old AD a chance to start her life over, and she was out the door in a month. I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her.

I love her, but I will not take a front row seat to her insanity.

Please take care of yourself, and keep posting, okay?

:ghug :ghug

sacramento

Alittle background on the meetings.. his exwife is a user as well. He swore he was done with rehabs, meetings, councelling and hospitals. Thats one of my issues...he does't seem to be interested in getting the proper help here..This does get complicated as I go, doesn't it... I fell better just venting here.

carl11

Fathers don’t ask them selves what they cannot do when it comes to a daughter, he will like many of us have to learn the hardway, he can only guide if she lets him, which well, doesn’t seem to be the case right now. I am sure hes a good man and will do what he as a dad feels he has too…..in way you should be impressed, and yes in another , wary.

sacramento

He is a wonderful man. I know he wants to make this work. One can try, no? But I'm not tolerant of this kind of behavior. Frankly, she scares me!
Can I just say, you all as a group must be the wisest, most compassionate people ever compiled into one place.

sacramento

Also, quick question... should he be staying home from work with her? do we leave her alone for 9 hours a day with no car, nothing to do? She has no I.D. so she can't go get a job tomorrow. I'm wondering what to expect from him..we are bout a 2 mile walk from a liquor store, and about 16 miles from the highway.

sacramento

That's a great idea. I guess I want him to watch her to protect me and my things.
I am prepared to leave.

Seren

What I am finding is that it is difficult to be the "outsider" of the family, but not impossible. The addiction in the mix certainly does not help. I'm sorry that you and your bf are arguing because of his AD. This young lady is an adult, and should not need a babysitter all day. If there is information or items that you both feel should be locked up, perhaps install locks on the bedroom door or purchase a safe. That's what my fiance did when his son was still living at home.

I just try to ask my fiance what he wants to do and why. I am allowed to have my opinion, but he is also allowed to have his. If we can't agree, then we agree to disagree. He knows that he can tell me if I am butting in too much, and I know that I can refuse to accept behavior I find unacceptable.

Just keep talking in a calm, open, and non-judgmental way with one another. I'm wishing you the very best!!!!

HG

sacramento

Thank you, and right now I am not calm. I will work on that. When I asked him about locking stuff up he bit my head off and said she has never stolen a thing. Im I wrong in thinking you should never allow an active user in your home? I feel like a crazy person who has watched too many episodes of "Intervention".
As it stands now, she will be at our house around 7pm tonight.

sacramento

I gotta get a grip. I'm starting to look like the bad guy over here. A dear friend told me to keep my mouth shut and let them screw it all up.
But I swear, if she sucks all the joy and life out of a room like my ex used to, I 'm going to lose my mind

carl11

well, I knew an alc. who would sneak into her daughters room and steal her CD's to sell at a second hand store for wine money. really...does that mean she will? noooooo, but..


I agree with anvil, protect yourself, you are entitled too.

outtolunch

There is an old joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a heroin addict. Both will steal your wallet. The heroin addict will help you look for it.

sacramento

OMG, and she does both..Lordy. So I'm just gonna lay it out on the table here and say I think she is going to screw this all up. I cant imagine her quitting alcohol, and methadone with no in patient care.
But I'm no expert. I'm sorry I can't be more supportive to my BF and his family.

Spiritual Seeker

sounds like your house is the next "option"
Lock up all valuables, checks, money and anything that can be pawned.

AD Coming home only after proving recovery would seem like the best prerequisite.
He is operating out of guilt, love and obligation...hard to break through those.
Can the two of you get to Al-anon mtgs ?

sacramento

You hit the nail on the head about the guilt and love. Not sure about the meetings. I am going to protect my valubles.
Thanks for the reassurance that she needs to prove herself first. Not sure about the meetings. H e has said how he does not want this in his life anymore, but then he moves her in. Huh?
I see her as the enemy, joy sucking evil force, and to him she is his sweet little girl, who just needs a safe haven. Can see where the conflict is?

sacramento

Matbe I'm too harsh and he is too soft!