Question for parents..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Hello Sacramento! 
I agree with what everyone else has said!!! Lock up your stuff and you probably are in for one hell of a ride. But...... with that said she is his daughter and if he is anything like me he is going to give it ONE MORE SHOT. My daughter is 24 years old has 2 children and lives with me and husband. My husband is step-dad and has been in her life since she was 2. I still have issues when I think he is butting in too much, so you will be walking a fine line with him. It has not been easy and I do get very tired of the drama. But I put up with it because I am not yet ready to give up my will. And until I give it to my HP this is how my life will be. Am I proud of that fact, NO, but until I decide differently then I am making that choice, right or wrong. She is clean for today(opiates), and for that I am grateful, but there is still alot (let me repeat ALOT!!!!) of baggage. But it does sound like you are more prepared than most.
My only observation is that maybe you should wait until you know her a little better and see where she seems to be with getting things right. That should not take too long with an addict, as you will know what to look for. Have her and dad been on good terms? Does she have an anomosity toward you? Just wondering. It seems this was just laid on you without alot of thought? Hopefully Dad will put the boundaries up with what he expects out of her while she is there.
I hope everything works out for you.
Gotahavfaith
I agree with what everyone else has said!!! Lock up your stuff and you probably are in for one hell of a ride. But...... with that said she is his daughter and if he is anything like me he is going to give it ONE MORE SHOT. My daughter is 24 years old has 2 children and lives with me and husband. My husband is step-dad and has been in her life since she was 2. I still have issues when I think he is butting in too much, so you will be walking a fine line with him. It has not been easy and I do get very tired of the drama. But I put up with it because I am not yet ready to give up my will. And until I give it to my HP this is how my life will be. Am I proud of that fact, NO, but until I decide differently then I am making that choice, right or wrong. She is clean for today(opiates), and for that I am grateful, but there is still alot (let me repeat ALOT!!!!) of baggage. But it does sound like you are more prepared than most.
My only observation is that maybe you should wait until you know her a little better and see where she seems to be with getting things right. That should not take too long with an addict, as you will know what to look for. Have her and dad been on good terms? Does she have an anomosity toward you? Just wondering. It seems this was just laid on you without alot of thought? Hopefully Dad will put the boundaries up with what he expects out of her while she is there.
I hope everything works out for you.
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by whereami 
Have you ever thought about maybe moving out just until she moves back out, that way the only person dealing with her is him. Then you could still visit and when things go crazy you could just go home?
KariSue
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I agree with all the advice. After all I've been through, I don't think I would have much trouble moving out "temporarily" to allow him to give his full attention to his daughter who needs him.
Why play the part of thie villian, or stick around to be the fall guy whenever each of them doesn't want to blame the other for the "sure to come" chaos?
You guys can take a step back and just date again, eh? That way, you can stay out of his way while he figures out what he can and can't do with his girl. And by going to meetings, perhaps you can be a great example for him when he most needs it ... and we all know the odds are good he will need a good example.
He is doing what all parents do - trying desperately to save his kid. We are taught all our lives that is what parents do, and I can't blame him for trying.
Something you might want to keep in mind -
Addicts are not bad people who need to learn to be good, but sick people who need to learn how to get well.
It helps to have some compassion. As part of that, you might want to attend some open AA or NA meetings and see what recovering addicts and alcoholics say and do. ((HUGS))
Why play the part of thie villian, or stick around to be the fall guy whenever each of them doesn't want to blame the other for the "sure to come" chaos?
You guys can take a step back and just date again, eh? That way, you can stay out of his way while he figures out what he can and can't do with his girl. And by going to meetings, perhaps you can be a great example for him when he most needs it ... and we all know the odds are good he will need a good example.
He is doing what all parents do - trying desperately to save his kid. We are taught all our lives that is what parents do, and I can't blame him for trying.
Something you might want to keep in mind -
Addicts are not bad people who need to learn to be good, but sick people who need to learn how to get well.
It helps to have some compassion. As part of that, you might want to attend some open AA or NA meetings and see what recovering addicts and alcoholics say and do. ((HUGS))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Has your BF's AD ever been violent or stolen things from anyone? Do you have any reason to believe that she would automatically rain down chaos in the home as soon as she returns? Have you had an opportunity to meet her yet? These are some of the things that you may want to think about. With my future step son, well, I have met him and been around him when he was flying on crack, and he has threatened to kill nearly every member of his family....so.....no I have no plan on ever living with him.
I'm a bit concerned that the knee-jerk reaction to all of this is "head for the hills". I think Anvilhead is right when she says that being prepared is a very wise thing to do, but that does not mean that the situation is doomed to dissolve into arguments, stealing, and addict drama. What is that saying "plan for the worst, but hope for the best"?
If you feel like you cannot detach from the relationship your BF has with his AD for your own peace of mind, then perhaps distancing yourself from the situation for a time when she first comes home would be for the best.
I hope that your weekend has been peaceful and calm and that things will work out for everyone's ultimate happiness!!!!! Huge hugs, HG
I'm a bit concerned that the knee-jerk reaction to all of this is "head for the hills". I think Anvilhead is right when she says that being prepared is a very wise thing to do, but that does not mean that the situation is doomed to dissolve into arguments, stealing, and addict drama. What is that saying "plan for the worst, but hope for the best"?
If you feel like you cannot detach from the relationship your BF has with his AD for your own peace of mind, then perhaps distancing yourself from the situation for a time when she first comes home would be for the best.
I hope that your weekend has been peaceful and calm and that things will work out for everyone's ultimate happiness!!!!! Huge hugs, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 34
Well, the weekend came and went.. no real drama. She is either laying on the couch, sleeping in bed or outside smoking. Her father is waiting on her hand a foot. She says she has a bad cold and blaming her lathargy on that. I told him not to wait on her and he snapped at me. She should get her own food, glass of water! She is a very nice girl, though. Maybe push a vaccuum around, that would be nice. This morning was a little tense for me b/c I was getting ready for work and she was asleep on the couch. I HATE tiptoe-ing around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Don't tiptoe 
I used to do the same thing with my daughter and all it did was cause huge resentments I had the ability to avoid. I finally told her this is my home and it has an established rhythm. It is a privilege to live here and it was up to her to adjust to it, not the other way around.
Without clear boundaries for yourself and rules for her living there, your home is a ticking time bomb.
I used to do the same thing with my daughter and all it did was cause huge resentments I had the ability to avoid. I finally told her this is my home and it has an established rhythm. It is a privilege to live here and it was up to her to adjust to it, not the other way around.
Without clear boundaries for yourself and rules for her living there, your home is a ticking time bomb.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 34
Hi again.. I just found out she drank an entire bottle of Nyquil yesterday. She also saw a councellor and when asked about rehab, she said she has been twice and it really did not help her. She believes she has the tools now to deal with it herself. Isn't Nyquil just as bad a booze? Sad thing is, he dad thinks our home is the best place for her. Quess who bought her the Nyquil?
We are going out of town for 4 days and I'm afraid of what she will do left alone..
Any advice?!
We are going out of town for 4 days and I'm afraid of what she will do left alone..
Any advice?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 34
Anvilhead, I'm so grateful for your posts, you have no idea how much you help me out! God, me and b/f are fighting so much, ya know, quitely. I'm not a fighter. I just can't see how lying around all day, smoking cigarettes and Nyquil are helping AT ALL!! Your right about the loving to death. He thinks I'm so negative about it all. We are going to see the councellor together I think. I quit smoking cigarettes 9 years ago, and that was hard. I can't imagine herion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 34
Oh, and humor helps, keep it coming! I want to go on this trip. But I think he needs to stay behind. His son will check on her, and maybe keep her at his house. But we gotta get on with our lives and quit pretending this at home stuff is gonna work. How can it? How long can a 24 yo girl white knucle her way though this?
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