Hope87

Hey everyone,

Happy Friday! Well, thought I'd share my first Nar anon meeting experience with you all. I felt like a complete odd ball thought. It was so hot in there and felt like I was going to have a heart attack from anxiety but after that passed it was ok. Usually nervous at first anythings Wasn't really sure this meeting was for me. I liked the meeting and hearing everyone's story, that wasn't it. It's just I was the only person in there dealing with it from a girlfriend perspective. Every single person there was their for their child. Please parents reading this, please don't take that as a negative. It's just to any normal human being, my situation appears to be easiest, run as fast as you can. One lady even mentioned it to me last night when she couldn't understand why her daughter in law married her son. But everyone is different and for me, right now, no it's not easy. But I understand when you're a parent, it doesn't work that way. They are always going to be your child and you can't just run away from them. So I'm not sure weather to go back. Everyone was very nice, but also, much older than me. It would be nicer to be somewhere where someone might be going through the same thing as I am. I mean...thank God for this site! All of you have been so nice to talk to and hear from and I find a lot of peace knowing that I can come here and talk

Well, I'm off to work. I just thought I'd share that with yinz! Thanks so much for everything! Everyone try to have a good weekend and try to do something fun for you!

Ann

Congratulations, I know that took courage. Like on this thread, it usually doesn't matter much the relationship with our addict, mom, dad, sister, spouse, friend...but if this is important to you, perhaps try some other meetings until you find one that fits.

I was lucky and found the most wonderful program...on my second try. The first one was okay, but the second one just felt like home to me.

Good luck.

JMFburns

Hope,

Have you tried AlAnon?

I go to both and I agree, the NarAnon meeting I attend is all parents, which also includes me. The AlAnon meeting I attend is mostly spouses, former spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, with a few parents thrown in. I feel more of a connection with the NarAnon folks, but the AlAnon group I attend is really focused on working your own program so I need that too.

Faith444

Hope,
The first couple nar-anon meetings I went to I was suprised by the parents and family members. For some reason I hadn't even considered that they would be there. I wanted moreso to hear from and talk to those who I saw as *more like me* being the spouses or bf/gf of addicts. I think partly bc I don't often talk with my own immediate family, and don't have a close relationship with parents, it just seemed weird, at first, to realize a family member could be obsessed with someone's problem who they were related to, and not romantically involved with. So I understand, I think, how you feel. But I have learned a lot from the parents and stuff... (Oh, also, I'm not a parent, so I think I couldn't relate so much there at first for that reason). Anyways, from what I've seen, the composition of the nar-anon group I attend varies from week to week. Last week there were like 5 of us with crack addicted spouses/bfs/gfs. I was happy about that. And one of them even spoke about having used it herself with that spouse, which is something I could relate to also. It's nice when someone's story is *just like yours*. But like JMF wrote, really, it's all the same process and problem, no matter how you are related to your loved one. It really is. And you can learn the right stuff from those parents. As far as al-anon goes- I felt even more strong there that they weren't exactly having the same *problem* as me. Also, bc I noticed that in al-anon people tend to talk about their own problems that don't even have to do with the qualifier, so I start to wonder, is this just group therapy or what? Maybe it's just bc I'm new in my own recovery, where I don't want the focus to be off of the qualifer, bc that's what I'm there wanting help with. Al-anon just seems so, vague, where as in nar-anon right away people say who their qualifier is, what is their DOC, and what's going on with that situation presently. Not just "I had a hard week at work, blah blah blah..." ok, that's enough from me. But I think you should go back!!

sandrawg

Have you also considered codependents anonymous?

I went to 1 or 2 al-anon meetings, and maybe I didn't give it a fair chance, but I felt like it was just a b*tch session.

Hope87

Thanks so much everyone for the insite. I believe I will go back...can't base everything off one meeting. I didn't really talk there either cause I was just kinda trying to take it all in for the first time. Seemed very similar to the NA meetings my AB used to go to. I used to go with him when he was recovering himself. But I do believe I can learn a lot from these meetings and I pick up all the literature they had and read it here today at work since a computer system I need to be working in is locked up for the day. Lots of helpful and mind easing information in there.

As for my situation, it's going to be baby steps from here. I'll get to where I need to be just one day at a time. For example I was nervous about leaving last night to go cause A) it was my first time B) this was something I was doing completely on my own C) didn't know what type of reaction AB would have when I said I was going. Well, the first time is now over, I made it on my own, and AB didn't say anything about me going. Didn't even look concerned (thought if I mentioned going he would be concerned I'm onto him, which I don't know why he wouldn't think that now already). I feel as though I've accomplished a lot cause I have been talking about going to Nar Anon for months now and finally came to the decision that is was something I NEED to do at this point. Hell, even finding this site I consider a step and learning everything I can. I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. When I'm by myself I know what I need to with the situation but then when I'm home with him and everything is "living as usual" the idea is out the window. So I'm constantly up and down. I'm a work in progress but I believe each day will get me somewhere...closer to helping myself and closer to helping him.

Thanks so much again guys for all yinz do!

:codiepolice where are these cops when ya need them....LOL

ventuhome

Hey Hope, good for you for going. MY bro is in the same situation as you, his wife is the addict. He goes to 3 different NarAnon meetings and a steps study. I went to one with him; this one was mostly with parents of addicts, just a few with spouses/partners. But the parents had things to offer him. One thing that came up was when the addict makes threats like "If you do X, I'm going to kill myself". One parent called the paramedics when that happened, the A spent 3 days in In-Patient Mental Health, and never pulled that stunt again!!! This help me and my brother steel ourselves for another incident like this. (I'm involved in that I am their landlord and I'm considering evicting her).
THere's an old thread on here someplace about the old "Why dont you just leave?" retort to those of us in romantic/marital relationship with an addict. Leaving is not the answer for everyone. There is also recovery that must be done whether you leave or not.

Hope87

Hey vent

Thanks for the response. Don't these situations just suck? How is your son holding up? Has he ever thought of just kickin her out or leaving? As far as I'm comin across that seems to be the only answer. I know it myself cause when I had a normal mind (ok, well maybe before I met my AB) I would never think of being in a home where shooting up is taking place or illegal drugs are around. I can get in trouble as much as he can. But as I've stated, I'm pretty sick myself I'm learning and the inital losing him and thought of us not being us anymore is a bit much right now. I need to get over this and just do what needs done. And I believe I will get there one step at a time. Day by day I feel I'm making a little progress. Thank again for getting back! I look to keep going back to Nar anon as long as I need it!

Hope87

sorry see new threat

Faith444

Hope, you mentioned a couple times that the bf doesn't seem to realize "yr onto him and the using." I noticed when my gf is using she thinks no one could possibly tell and that her lies are reasonable... especially when she's been particularly conscientious about cleaning up clues... but like criminals (well, they are criminals), they ALWAYS leave something. I like to let her know that I know. Usually it starts with a feeling, and eventually I fight some piece of evidence (drips of blood on blood, mini rubber band (bundles heroin bags), shreds of steel wool (making filters on crack pipes), empty bags hidden in toilet paper rolls, lighters left in the bathroom ETC ETC ETC. Anyways, now when I get the feeling, I KNOW I'm right (cause I always am), and I just say, "I know you're using." When she tries to argue, I just say, "Save your breath, I know what I know." And she's like, "what proof do you have, huh huh?" But I learned that if I point out the "evidence," she'll just be more careful with that little detail next time. It's almost *fun* (dark humor here) to freak them out by seeming like your psychic and you just KNOW. But the truth is, when you're open to knowing, you do just know.

Faith444

I mean, "drips of blood on floor." etc. Anyways, I realize this can turn into a detective game, which is exhausting and pointless. That's why I'm saying, just trust your instincts and intuition. And I think it's good to let them know that they're not slick. It's liek a refusal to participate in the delusion that all's okay.

ventuhome

GAWD its like having CSI filmed in your own house - especially the bathroom!! My Bro has been married to his Addict wife for 15 years. We dont know if she was using then. The only thing suspicious was she blacked out all the windows in his house with sheets the minute she moved in. I remeber thinking it looked like a drug den. Other than that, nothing. Somewhere along the way she developed a medical condition and was prescribed some Darvon or vicodin. 6 months after her son was born, she got her first arrest for prescription fraud. 6 years later, she's been in and out of jail, very little clean time when she's out. So my bro had 9 good years, then 6 years of hell. Will she ever recover? We dont know. Child Protective Services took their kid in May and we are trying to get him back. My bro is contemplating divorce, more for sake of getting kid back than leaving her. He's being pushed that way by the circumstances, rather than being allowed to make his own decision.

Hope87

Oh Faith...I'm sorry for your situation.

I do have to laugh at your dark humor As sick and sad as it may seem I need to find some humor in all this to be ok. I wouldn't even know how my AB would react if I told him stuff I found. See at the begining I was playing detective because he was clean at one point and something happened that I believed to be a trigger so I didn't think things were ok. I seen text in the phone to lead me to believe he was using then I was checking our phone records and just paying more attention. Then I started second guessing myself. Then I finally got to the point where I just wanted to know what it was he was using. But I gave up the detective stuff a while ago and just happen to come across stuff while doing laundry. Now when I bring this up to him, I'm sure it will be I was going through his stuff, it's his business, or I was invading his privacy. Well then do your own damn laundry!!!!! uhhhh geez, it's almost like there's a huge elephant in your living room that I see and he sees but no one wants to talk about it...just avoid the whole situation all together. One day soon I'm going to have to talk to him about this and just from reading post on this site, it's going to be quite interesting to see how that conversation/argument goes. I dread it but I know it's going to have to happen dispite the end results. If you don't mind me asking...are you still with your AW or AG? Thanks for getting back to my post! Nice to hear from ya.

PS Drops of blood on the floor...now that's a new one I didn't really pay attention to. I have noticed drops of blood on his clothes every now and again. For some dumb reason in my mind, I sit and think if I confront him with enough evidence to tell him I know he's using, how on earth can he deny it! But again...that's my sick sense of thinking....

theotherhalf

hi I know this post was done a long time ago but if your still around Hope, did you continue going to the meetings? you and BF still together?

cynical one

hope has not even signed on since her last post in January. At that point she had asked him to leave and he became dangerous. I hope she's well and not a domestic violence statistic.

theotherhalf

wow thanks for the update...i pray shes doing ok