sandrawg

I posted here over a year ago. At that time, my bf was doing coke. I knew he had done it, once, at my house. After that time, I told him it was a dealbreaker, and he told me he'd stay away from it. Well, he didn't. So I had to break up with him.

A couple of months later, he came back. I took him back under the condition that he stop doing coke, and he said he would. The thing is, he's always been a heavy drinker...he would binge drink from time to time. And it seemed like even when we didn't go out to the bar (I'm a very light social drinker), he'd want a beer or Bloody Mary or something in the evenings. That concerned me-we'd discuss my concerns--he'd lighten up for a little while, but then he'd go right back to partying. I figured, he's still young (he's 25), while I'm a lot older, but in the back of my mind I wondered if he was an alcoholic.

Anyway, things were going well. Until...Monday. On Monday, he confessed that he did coke again. He said it in the context of a plea for help, though...he told me he thinks he needs therapy, and that he wanted to talk to his parents.

Well, since this was a major violation of my rule, I broke up with him again. I was pretty angry at first...went through the same emotions as last time...asking myself, why can't he stop this, why would he choose a drug over me, etc. He went to his parents house and broke down...told them he was going to stop drinking. He thinks drinking is his problem...he doesn't think he's a coke addict. I don't know-I suspect he'd done coke more than he let on to me.

At first he tried to guilt trip me into staying with him...saying, "I need you right now." But honestly, I dated a recovering alcoholic and went to AA meetings to support him, so I knew the best thing for me to do was pull away, no matter how badly it hurt.

I sent him an email and said, if he wants to get healthy, that's great-I love him and want the best for him. But I said, our relationship is over. I told him we could stay in touch via email, and then once he is clean, I would re-evaluate whether or not I could be involved in his life.

I in no way promised to get back with him. He then texted me and said he understood and accepted my conditions. Since then, he has said many things over text that I've never heard him say before; for example, he was asking himself, why would he tell me "as long as I am with you, I won't do coke", and why didn't he tell himself instead, "for my own health, I will stop doing coke". He knows that he needs to get healthy for himself, not for me, or it will never work.

These are all great words, however, I am still skeptical as he's made many promises throughout our time together, and none of them have stuck.

I guess I'm writing because I need support, and would like advice how to proceed. I guess I just move forward with my life without him...but I do want to be supportive of him....how do I do this?

It's only been a couple of days and I already miss him like crazy.

Thanks for the advice.

Tryingtobefree

Hi, Sandra. It's a really fine line trying to be supportive. I'm walking it myself right now with my XABF.

I try to stay out of his issues as much as I can. I don't give advice to him since I've left and I've gotten really good at keeping the conversation neutral.

If he talks about something "bad" that happened at work I just tell him I'm sorry you're having a rough time - that sort of thing.

ItsmeAlice

I think the best support you can show for anyone with a personal obstacle to overcome is to set your boundaries around it and stick to them. It's healthier for you and more consistency for them. When they figure out they can't manipulate your feelings and leave their consequences at your feet, they either learn to place the responsiblity on their own shoulders and get help or they spiral downward. Throughout it all you remain loving but detached from their decisions.

I've been posting alot on boundaries lately and I think that's because I've been really working on my own on a daily basis and trying to understand their significance in my life.

You have said all of the things that a loving friend or partner could, and that is that you love him and want to see him healthy and made no promises to be with him just because he doesn't do coke when he's with you. He'll find the loophole in that easily or replace it with heavier alcohol or other drug use.

More experienced folks will be along soon, I'm sure to offer their sage advice.

Best wishes

Alice

sandrawg

Thanks for the replies. That's interesting-he actually even said in one of his text messages that he appreciates that I'm being strong and consistent.

I wonder if he's been talking to someone in AA or someone who understands these concepts. That kind of gives me hope.

sandrawg

Is your ex actively using, or is he trying to get sober?

jerect

But he was with you and he did do coke... so he was just trying to manipulate you into taking him back.. classic addict behavior..

Be supportive by sticking to your guns.. You broke things off with him because he was using coke again.. you know it's unhealthy for you to be in that kind of relationship and any contact with him even by email will be unheatlhy for you too..

I know you miss him, it's heartbreaking when you have to say goodbye to someone you love because of the choices they have made.. but the truth is.. this is who he is.. a coke addict and an alcoholic.. obviously something that YOU don't want to be a part of your life.. You already know that you can't make him be anyone else and trying to change him is just going to drive you completely insain.

The best way to support him is to say goodbye and let him learn his lessons the hard way...

You need to work on changing you and being a healthy and happy person so that the next relationship that you find yourself in will be healthy and happy also..

Limiya

Sounds a lot like my exabf. He drinks lots, then does coke when he's drinking. Trust me. There is nothing you can do. He has to want to do it for himself. PLUS i realise it's not personal to me when he does this. He just is addicted and can't help it.
At least he's looking for help. That's one step. He just needs to follow through with actually getting proffessional help and workin the programs.
There are loads of people here with more experience on recovery than me, but WELCOME!

Coke is a nightmare, especially mixed with alchohol. I feel for you.

~Limiya~

cassandra2

Its been my experience to watch the ACTIONS of the person and NOT to listen to their words.

Sounds like he is quacking in his texts to you. Better to just stand on the side lines and watch what he does. You will know when he is done using/drinking. Its just a different kind of behavior. And with the behavior comes action that lets you know he is making progress.