nar-anon in Times Square, thank god!
 

Hi, my name is Faith. I have been reading this forum for a week or so, and decided to join today. I find it crazy that there are so few nar-anon meetings, especially in nyc... but today there is one after work and I am very much looking forward to it.

My wife (domestic partner) is an addict who has gone back and forth between recovery and using while we've lived together. Her DOC is heroin. When we met, she was on like 7mg methadone and had been on it for several years. I really knew NOTHING about drugs, besides weed or whatever. She moved into my apt. within the year, as well as going off methadone, and by the next summer had a full heroin relapse where she lost her job and i kicked her out of the apt. to go live with her parents.

She movd back after about a month, and got back on methadone (80mg).

This was summer 08.

On methadone, she started using cocaine/crack approx. once a week, more or less.

It finally escalated to where I said (in May) that if you aren't clean by June you must go live elsewhere... thus, she is living with a friend right now, and due to move back in on the 26th, with 30 days clean and in an IOP, which seems to be going good....

I let her stay over this past weekend and then also last night- but last night I caught her huffing. Was like, damn.

I think it is only because of attending nar-anon mtgs. (and al-anon) and reading this forum that I had the strength to kick her out last night. I'm so glad I did! I had heard through a friend that there was a huffing incident last week, and I was too weak to say that it counted against the 30 days clean.

All these technicalities. Mostly, i want to say thanks to the people posting here. reading has helped me tremendously, in terms of recognizing myself, past ignorance and weakness, and present weakness....

Naturally I'm nervous about her moving back in here... I am now insisting on a clean apartment- but here's a question: what do you guys think about the fact that she wants me to quit smoking weed? I am no angel, I will admit that. I really don't relate too much to the "codie" stuff posted. I am not so much of a caretaker. In fact, it's my gal who is the caretaker, if you can believe that. I mean, she's a social worker- a "wounded healer," so to speak. I may have some traits (like, feel panicked and depressed if think about her not staying sober and us breaking up, etc.).... but anyways, should I quit smoking weed for her? Does it really make a difference? I kind of think it does not. But on the other hand, I'm sick of weed anyway and it's a hole in my pocket.

Guess that's it for now. Love to all you guys and gals.

first off welcome to S.R. now i must say a drug is a drug. it does not matter what drug or who is using it. next you told your g.f. she could move in IF she was clean & she is not clean. you can not go back on anything u say. set boundries & stick to them. i do not mean to sound harsh only truthful it seems to me as if you need to go to N.A. meetings also. think about your life & what you really want our of it. keep coming back & let us know how u both are doing. prayers,

Thank you, thank you, seriously! No, I have not set or kept boundaries, I haven't even been clean myself the whole time. what a nightmare. A couple months ago I got so sick of policing her that I decided to just go ahead and use crack and coke myself. I mean, I stayed up all night shooting in with her, and had a grand time, and I did this like 5 times. Horrible. And yes, yes, I have had a problem with pills, too- and she gave them to me, and then I stole them from her. Do I even belong in this section? Perhaps I belong in both. I really do not identify as an addict, because I am able to try things and quit things... and I know I need to make major changes here. major. However, I really want my girl back on the 26th!! I see what you all are saying though. How depressing.

...because on top of the emotional part of it, I cannot pay rent without her, and all of those logistics. Ah, I know they say once you're serious you don't let logistics stop you, but ugh, I still feel optimistic. maybe I shouldn't.

I know... why is this so hard to enforce my 30 day thing? i feel like i don't have a right cuz she is insisting so bad on moving back in on the 26th. she acts like huffing doesn't count.

Faith,
Um...can you quit all drugs and alcohol and stay stopped for a while? If not...well, you may be an addict. For sure, if you have stolen to get high, almost certain you are. It seems like you need to focus on you for now.

As far as the rent thing goes, trust me, an active addict ain't gonna be much help with bills.

Keep coming back and sharing how it's going.

Love,
KJ

Don't let her problems become more important than yours.
Edit: In my very limited experience, addicts don't identify themselves as addicts until they introduce themselves at a meeting. I used to think that if the pills that my wife was taking.....(errrrr abusing) were prescribed to her than it wasn't a relapse. Good luck and be honest with yourself.

My EXAH was the perfect fit for me because in focusing on his addictions, I didn't have to take a look at mine, that is, until he went to rehab, and then there was nothing between me and me any more. I finally hit a bottom.

That was 5 long and painful years of my life.

I'm totally clean now... I'm in a recovery too, I recognize that. I just got off the phone with the lady. she threw a hissy fit when I suggested that she was not respecting the 30 day thing. I don't have the strength for this fight. I don't feel grounded. yes folks, turning down the tv, not calling my weedle, going to a mtg., starting to cry... :(

It takes two to fight.

Life's far too short, and I value my recovery too much to allow active addiction anywhere in the near vicinity of me.

People get the message real quick from me. :)

I know how you feel, I think most of the people here know how you feel, hang in there. But realize that you don't have to fight, all you have to do is take care of your side of the street. You say 30 days starting now, she throws a hissy fit....she can throw as many hissy fits as she wants to as long as she doesn't come back to your place until she has 30 days. If she comes back don't let her in, if she is being aggressive call the cops, but don't fight her battle. If there is one thing I have learned from this site, it is that I am only responsible for my side of the street, if you want 30 days then you should get 30 days or else you are in a relationship with someone who has no respect for your wishes (and that someone could be read as her or you).

I guess I am just weak and pathetic. Maybe they will help me see things more clearly at this Nar anon meeting.

...I have tenatively given up weed (so yes, clean), but kind of resent being asked to do that. I heard in al-anon that you don't have to quit drinking bc yr partner is an alcoholic. But I dont' even like weed that much, so why not just comply? I was tempted yesterday, and resisted. Every time I smoke, I'm disappointed. That's addiction I guess, to keep using despite disappointment and not enjoying it.

Okay, so sweep my side of the street. But our streets are all tangled up. Just the way I (don't) like them.

PS. I'm sorry if ppl think I don't belong in this section, because I know that I do, codie or not.

Don't beat yourself up, pull yourself up. And quitting weed for someone else will never work. Maybe it will work for a bit, but you already resent that you have to quit, so it won't last very long. Take a step back on this issue......you ask her to stop using so she says "I will if you will". You both are trying to control each other, that is a bad sign for the relationship, a natural sign but bad nonetheless. Good luck

I didn't see where anyone said you don't belong in this section, dear. :)

I suggest you check out that Naranon meeting. Maybe it will help.

THANK YOU to everyone... after reading all your responses, I knew that I just had to stick to my 30-day clean request, and I insisted on it, despite crying on her part, strong argumentation (a speech about her "rights"), etc. I had to just hang up the phone. Then she started sending me txts saying she would refuse to pay rent, so i began to look into alternative living situations for myself, and let her know that would be the outcome. So, as of this morning, she is willing to "honor our agreement" and will not be welcome home without 30 days clean, period, and must pay rent to hold her spot here. I feel like I did the right thing, although of course I'm terrified. Not to mention, I just spent 1400 on my cat as she needed to go to the hospital for severe obstipation, and since coming home she still hasn't pooed. This might seem trivial to some, but she's like my daughter. My partner and my cat are my family. So financially and emotionally, I'm at a huge loss and very scared.

As for the mj- I can give it up. I'm a weird person and although I have tried most drugs and been temporarily dependent, exhibiting some addict behaviors, I'm not worried about myself in this respect. I am not interested in buying any weed, as it will only make me more depressed and anxious. I'm dealing with this all very soberly. And I can. I'll be sticking around here, so you all will see. Doing it for myself.

Again, thank you all. I'm trying to be strong. I'm doing my best.