cessy68

As many of you know, I've been vacillating between to 'stay' or 'go' with my abf.

I couldn't bring myself to 'let go' and ask him to leave.

The lies continue, not only in the contex of his drug abuse, but it filters into other things.

Today I was lied to -- again.

Was it a huge lie? I suppose not.... but nonetheless, it was a lie. I was told later by him, "It was because you'd freak out and get angry if I told you the truth."

Ya.

I'm disgusted. If you have to 'lie' -- because your partner will 'get upset/angry/freakout', doesn't that constitute NOT doing the behavior in the first place?

I am even having my friends say, "well, you would have been mad, no?".....

Why dosen't he or others see that lieing is NOT ok?

Anyhow, there was a big argument about it.... he told me "i'm too smart for my own good"..... (by always figureing things out), and ultimately, I asked him to go.

He left.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I want it different.

He asked me if "I was sure that I wanted to throw this all away."

I held the door open (in a stoic fashion) and said, "I'm sure,I want you to leave, I don't deserve to live with lies, drugs, and everything that you THINK I'm throwing away."

Now I feel guilt, and sadness, I feel like I'm grasping at 'something' and I don't know what I'm grasping for.........
I feel like I did the wrong thing. When I was angry for being 'taken for granted' and 'lied to', it was easy to stay in the moment and ask him to leave.

Now when he is 'gone', I just want him here. I cried myself into a little nap, to find myself in this empty bed, and my heart is empty.

What the frigg.
Will I ever learn my lesson? I've been down this road with him before. I always take him back, because of these 'feelings' that I am describing to you.

Help.
Cess

Tryingtobefree

Cessy, please remember that you are doing the best thing for you. You expressed it perfectly - you deserve better than to live with the things you have been living with.

I recently left my ABF of 3 years and it was very hard at first but I promise you - it does get better. Much better. You just have to get through the initial phase.

Each time I missed him or wanted to change my mind I literally forced myself to remember the truth of what our life was like. I forced myself to remember all the lies, all the times that I was angry, hurt, mad, scared, etc. I forced myself to remember the verbal abuse. It really helped curb my desire to speak to him.

cessy68

money

friendship/laughter ( talk to him about everything in my world)

attraction

......

I don't know.

Tough question.
I think about all of dreams/plans/ etc.

bluebelle

Lying is a big part of the addict thing. My ABF lied all the time, about all kinds of things. It is one of the things that he is working on now that he is in recovery. I think I hated the lies more than anything else. He used to tell me the exact same thing as your abf!!! He would say that he lied so that I wouldn't get upset. Like it was my fault that he had to lie.

ventuhome

Cessy my thoughts and prayers are with you tonite.

laurie6781

While you are working on the list of "10 Positive things" and NO not on here, in your journal, that is the "PRO" side. Then ..............................................

Make the "CON" side, all of the things that he has already done, the lies, the drugs, the 'twisting of your words' etc etc

Now you will have a "PRO and CON List" in Black and White to look at. This will go a long way in helping you NOT TO TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN.

Other than that, if this is not the time he stays gone, you WILL kick him out, once you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Prayers going out for you and your family that you may find some peace and serenity.

Love and hugs,

itisatruth

Wow - Cess! For the first part of that post I was like...you go girl....say "don't let the door hit ya *** on the way out" (sorry I'm in a fiesty mood).

....you're so right, you don't deserve any of that! Then I read the rest and totally get that also because I've taken him back too and have yet to figure that one out. Whether you take him back or not will of course be up to you, but look at this moment, this action, as a step towards finding your own strength, your own voice, your own needs. Even if you take him back, you are growing stronger and learning more about your own needs and that is progress. Progress not perfection, as they say.


Funny Laurie should say that because I was talking to a friend today about a similar situation and she actually made a list of things to help her remember what it is she does NOT want - a list of things he did not do in the relationship.

Whatever you do, know that things don't have to be like this always and that there is a full life out there ready for the taking if you are ready.

Hugs, good thoughts, and prayers heading out for you....

~Rica

shockozulu

Before I went to limited contact with the addict in my life I made a list as well.

I used a tool I had learned in my own recovery, and simply substituted "having this relationship" for "addiction" because in the end, the relationship was a bit of an addiction anyway. If it wasn't I would have walked away a long time ago.

SMART Recovery® - CBA Four questions about my addiction

Here's a nice little pdf file I used for my worksheet.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc..._Worksheet.pdf

Suspicious

((((((Cessy))))) Please hurry and make that pro & con list. Try to keep strong. You KNOW that the relationship as it is is NOT good for you.

cessy68

Hey laurie.... I'm going to write the pro and con list today, (much to my discontent). I'm a 'writer', however, there is some reason I can't journal about this relationship, and/or write a pro-con list. It's almost too exhausting to do so.

I can't really explain what I feel, It's almost as If it's just a 'feeling' of why I should stay, or why I have stayed for so long, rather than reasons of rational.

It's funny as well, because none of this is 'rational'. If I were behaving from a 'rational' mind-set, it would be much more 'clinical'...... simply I would be saying to myself, "my needs are not being met, and I need to move forward, becasue to continue in this is neglecting my values and basic requirements of a 'healthy' relationship.

Yet, I get myself sucked into a tornado of 'emotions' and heart-felt 'feelings' and think to myself, "no one is perfect", or "just give it time", or "you were too demanding" or "he was always 'here' for you, that could have been good enough", these are ALL unrational though processes, so that I can hang onto something that really isn't good for me.

One thing I think I'm going to do, (along with the list that you and others suggest), is to stop and really think if this is how I want people to see me--- (not to care about what others think), but do I want others in my life to see me as so fragile that I won't walk away from someone that allows me to give give give, and he takes takes takes?

Also, I keep hanging on to our dreams. DREAMS.Yep dreams. The whole thing is a 'dream', nothing that he says he is going to 'do', happens, guess it really is a dream.

Finally, I need to realize that I need my own love and validation to feel better about all this,NOT HIS. His validation is what I've starved looking for--- I need my own. Perhaps when I keep quiet, still my mind, and realize how much more I deserve, I won't be 'hungry' for his approval anymore.

Life goes on....

I woke up sad this morning., when I realized he wasn't here. But then I realized that there was no one here whining that his favorite shirt wasn't clean, or that he needed me to iron something. I woke up and cooked for my SON, rather than worrying about my adult child I was living with.

However, I woke up and realized I'm kinda stuck, (with no car), as he gave me a car to drive from his business---- last night, I dropped the car at his business and texed him saying "I chose to be with you, I didn't NEED you, and I don't NEED your car"--- (becasue during the exit of him, he threw the car in my face, then told me to drive it for a while, and that he didn't mean to hurt me).

Well, my Irish temper got the best of me and I bit off my nose to spite my face. I figured I'm not going to let a vehicle hold me hostage to him, where as he can 'use' that as a tool to manipulate me into thinking I need him.

Whew. (sigh).

Do you all think that was a smart thing to do, or just 'reactive'?

Thanks for the listening and support.
Love,
Cess

Daisy09

I think it's a smart move. You'll be inconvenienced for a while, but you've eliminated a wedge that was holding the door open for him...

Wishing you and your son all the best,
Daisy

justtired

Hey Cessy ~ Hang tight. I'm happy to hear that you have left, but I'm worried that every time you have left it was during a fight and not a thought-out, this is what's best for me, rational move. I think that's what always get you back together with him. I really do hope that you will stay strong and not go back to him. I was thinking about how similar our situations are and I was going to make a deal with you... you leave yours and I'll leave mine. LOL

You will be so much happier in the end if you stay away from him. We are on here every day and that just shows how much of our time, thoughts and energy these relationships take from us. I think sometimes how much time I'd have for "good stuff" if my mind wasn't so preoccupied with crap.

And, there's absolutely nothing to say that if you leave now, and 3 years (or however many) later he gets help and gets healthy, that you guys can't get back together.

I know I'm not exactly in the position to give advice, but I just KNOW you'd be happier right now without him. I hope that you will make your list of ten things and really think it out.

Best wishes Cessy. Sending you strength to do what's best for YOU!

Callie

I totally understand the "well you'll just get mad so I had to lie." My AH lied more than he told the truth when he was active. He was very good at it.

The thing is, you're only in for more of the same if he's still using. If he's still using, he'll still lie. The two go hand in hand. I too tried to rationalize with AH - if you have to lie doesn't that mean that what you're doing is wrong?? There is no rationalizing with someone who is actively using. Cess, I agree with the others, make the list and think things through. You're sad that he's gone, you miss him - but have you thought about what you really miss? Will you miss the lies, the mistrust, the fact that your ABF is still abusing drugs with no sign of stopping?

cessy68

well I wanted to 'thank' all of you, but when I click on 'thanks' I get some data base error.
Hmmm.

JT, did you leave yours yet? I don't know, sometimes I think that when I realize he's lying to me, that it's better..... it's more 'solid' ground for me to send out my dismissal, rather than just my underlying discontent with how the relationship is 'going' or 'not going'.

I'm going to write my journal.... and listen to some music. For me music is therapy. I haven't been listening, singing, or writing in a while..... perhaps if I go back to basics I will find my heart/head in unicine.

Today on my way home from school, I was listening to "more like her", by Miranda Lambert....

It's an incredible song, that makes me feel better in some twisted way.... becasue the chorus says; "I should have held on to my pride, I should have never let you lie, I guess you got what you deserve.... I guess I should have been more like her."

Basically the guy in the song, goes back to his ex..... and it's because she held out for what was right. She left him and let him go....

She held onto her pride, and didn't let him lie and be decietful to her.

She (in the song) the other person dosn't "have too much to say when she is mad"

Etc.

BUT the bottom line, is that SHE-- the one singing the song, wasn't being true to herself. She tried so hard, and let her pride go.... she fought tooth and nail, and in an ironc way she says, "I guess I should have been more like her".

It's funny, sometimes we fight for what we want, and we act out of character.... we loose ourselves in the process, of hanging on to 'should be's' or 'could be's' rather than the truth-- WHAT IS.

If I keep listening, and listening, I hear things that I can 'feel' and learn from. Somehow, this gives me strength.

After all.... I should have never let go of my pride, and in trying so desperatly to 'believe' in him, that's exactly what I did. Sometimes there is 'foolish pride', and then there is a 'pride' that all of us should have.

I'm furious with myself for loosing that piece of me.

Thankyou all for listening.

Love,
cess

Abundance

It's that return of investment. Just what deposits is he making into your relationship? What deposits are you making? And what is your return?

That is what got me.

Also - all this time I'm in therapy to help me work on myself and my bad feelings..... it gave me exposure to looking around me to see what I can control and can't control.

It gave me control thinking that IF I leave him, then he will stop doing drugs! HA!!! That didn't work.... why? Because I kept taking him back!!!!!

But you know what? Now, we are no longer together - not because I want him to get off drugs ( for his sake - I would hope he figures out) .... but because I can no longer live with the kind of behavior that was going on around me. Forget about the drugs..... it was the behavior. And no matter how much work *I* did on myself - things were not getting better with *us*. Therefore........... the lightening struck and I have clarity.

His words and actions.... in EVERYTHING ... did not match up.

Limiya

Cessy i feel for you girl.
I know as i've always gone back to my ABF time and time again. This time i know it's done. My dreams will not be met with him, cause he chooses drugs over me.
I (as do you) deserve to come FIRST and we give so much to recieve so little in return.
It will feel like you've lost a limb for a while but time apart really will help you.

And i agree with that song too. I wish i had been more firmier in the beginning lie "her" and stuck to my bounderies.
Now i will. I learnt the hard way. Got my fingers burnt.

~Limiya~

outtolunch

Prison or death are the outcomes of active addiction ( and I do not wish this upon anyone).

What will you do, then?
How will you get around, without a car?
How will you make ends meet without a financial assist?
Who will take care of you, then?

It's your business what you are willing to put up with/rationalize in the name of convenience. At some point in time, we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and out own outcomes.

You can decide the time or let circumstances suddenly do so, for you.

Abundance

When my guy left..... I had no working car either. My car has been out of order for 2 months now!!!! My guy bought me a battery, but just never put it in for me. I had to borrow a car to get the boys and then at 9pm..... a neighbor was helping me get my car sorted out. It's embarrassing for me.

winnie12

Learning the lesson doesnt mean not hurting - it means fighting through that hurt and making it through the other side without giving in. The feelings you're having will go away in time. In the end you have to decide whether you want to suffer pain a little while or a lifetime.

justtired

Nope, didn't leave mine yet. I got slightly derailed when I thought he was honestly wanting to look at himself and really work on things. I do think I understand what you're saying. The lie is something he doesn't deny so that to you is a solid reason for leaving because he will understand your anger in that. He would probably not accept you leaving because of the pills because he doesn't really see it as a problem. He can easily turn that on you and say I don't have a problem, you are leaving me on false pretenses (which of course you wouldn't be) and YOU are in the wrong. If you catch him out and out lying, then YOU are in the right and he is clearly in the wrong. The truth is, even though he will not understand it, you are in the right either way. You want him to see the logic in why you leave. I totally get that and struggle with the same thing...