Detaching is so Much Harder than I thought it would be
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Detaching is so Much Harder than I thought it would be
I didn't realize detaching myself from my crackhead bf would be this hard. I am not answering his phone calls or returning his calls. I know this sounds so crazy, but I have never felt like this before. He is all I can think about. I can't sleep, eat, or work because of the anxiety. It is making me sick. It is just the stupidist thing. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way, but I can't stop it.
We were together for 2-1/2 years. I am not taking calls from his mother or sister either because I know they will be talking about him and I just don't want to hear it.
This guy is a crackhead/alcoholic. that cheated and lied to me and that barely works. His mother pays all of his bills, rent, food, etc. Why am I feeling this way about him. I want him out of my head! How long is this going to take. I am attending Alanon meetings, but they don't seem to be helping that much.
We were together for 2-1/2 years. I am not taking calls from his mother or sister either because I know they will be talking about him and I just don't want to hear it.
This guy is a crackhead/alcoholic. that cheated and lied to me and that barely works. His mother pays all of his bills, rent, food, etc. Why am I feeling this way about him. I want him out of my head! How long is this going to take. I am attending Alanon meetings, but they don't seem to be helping that much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
When I learned to detach I had to learn that acceptance came with that. I had to accept it in order to fully detach from what my A was or wasnt doing. That took a tremendous amount of work and to this day I am still accepting DAILY in my situation. I have too. Holding onto the anger and resentment and then saying out of the other side of my mouth I am detaching was killing me.
I know for me it was hard to accept that he became an addict. Hard to accept that drugs really truly change the person for the WORST. Hard to accept that there was NOTHING I could do to change it. Hard to accept that I was completely POWERLESS.
The last two things were probably the HARDEST to do in order to detach. But I kept myself in the cycle. I kept going back to trying to fix things when they werent mine to fix. That kept me from detaching.
Detaching to me, is being able to accept the person/place or thing for EXACTLY what it is today ALONG with saying to myself that it is just for today things may be different tomorrow but for today this is the way it is. Adding the last part of "just for today" helped me realize that things can and do change. That keeps me filled with hope each day.
My ending quote is the EXACT truth even if I didnt really "know" it at the time I copied it....
I know for me it was hard to accept that he became an addict. Hard to accept that drugs really truly change the person for the WORST. Hard to accept that there was NOTHING I could do to change it. Hard to accept that I was completely POWERLESS.
The last two things were probably the HARDEST to do in order to detach. But I kept myself in the cycle. I kept going back to trying to fix things when they werent mine to fix. That kept me from detaching.
Detaching to me, is being able to accept the person/place or thing for EXACTLY what it is today ALONG with saying to myself that it is just for today things may be different tomorrow but for today this is the way it is. Adding the last part of "just for today" helped me realize that things can and do change. That keeps me filled with hope each day.
My ending quote is the EXACT truth even if I didnt really "know" it at the time I copied it....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Here's something to keep you busy while you wait for him to fade from your brain...
Make a list.
Start with all the physical attributes you find attractive in a man. Mix in how you would like him to dress, what sort of interests he should have. Do you want him to be kind? Strong? Able to carry you off into the sunset? Sit at your feet and read poetry? Sit at your feet and read "Yo Mama" jokes? What about his spiritual preferences? His family dreams? What sort of occupation would he have? Would he be an outdoorsy guy? Bookworm? How would he treat you? Would he be spontaneous? Thoughtful? Careful? Shy? Loving? Dazzling? Secure? Financially well-off?
Once you get that list.... become the list.
Each thing on there that you desire in a man, try to adopt that attribute for yourself. You want someone who is kind? Conciously try to step out of your way to be kind. You want someone financially well-off? Try to focus energy on increasing your own financial resources.
By the time you have adopted some of those attributes, you will start attracting folks who have those same attributes. It isn't magic, but it can seem that way.
And besides, it takes your mind off pining for someone who can't be many of those things while he is in his active addiction.
.... ok, grab your pencil.... aaaaannnndddd....go!
Make a list.
Start with all the physical attributes you find attractive in a man. Mix in how you would like him to dress, what sort of interests he should have. Do you want him to be kind? Strong? Able to carry you off into the sunset? Sit at your feet and read poetry? Sit at your feet and read "Yo Mama" jokes? What about his spiritual preferences? His family dreams? What sort of occupation would he have? Would he be an outdoorsy guy? Bookworm? How would he treat you? Would he be spontaneous? Thoughtful? Careful? Shy? Loving? Dazzling? Secure? Financially well-off?
Once you get that list.... become the list.
Each thing on there that you desire in a man, try to adopt that attribute for yourself. You want someone who is kind? Conciously try to step out of your way to be kind. You want someone financially well-off? Try to focus energy on increasing your own financial resources.
By the time you have adopted some of those attributes, you will start attracting folks who have those same attributes. It isn't magic, but it can seem that way.
And besides, it takes your mind off pining for someone who can't be many of those things while he is in his active addiction.
.... ok, grab your pencil.... aaaaannnndddd....go!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Thank you all. I just got the Codependent No More book and I am reading it and working on myself.
I can't help but think that the Fourth of July is coming up and he will be getting his mother's beautiful beach house to party in with all his women. He brags about how many women he can get. He's a 135 lb. skinny crackhead, but he sure can get the women and he likes to brag about it. Even to my face. I have to stop letting this stuff bother me.
His mother refuses to see he is an addict/alcoholic (even though he's been in rehab 3 times) and she is an enabler to the highest degree. How did I ever get mixed up in such a mess.
Yes, I will make that list of what I want in a new man, but at this point my self esteem is so low I can't even think in that way.
I can't help but think that the Fourth of July is coming up and he will be getting his mother's beautiful beach house to party in with all his women. He brags about how many women he can get. He's a 135 lb. skinny crackhead, but he sure can get the women and he likes to brag about it. Even to my face. I have to stop letting this stuff bother me.
His mother refuses to see he is an addict/alcoholic (even though he's been in rehab 3 times) and she is an enabler to the highest degree. How did I ever get mixed up in such a mess.
Yes, I will make that list of what I want in a new man, but at this point my self esteem is so low I can't even think in that way.
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
this is exactly what I needed to hear. Goodkarma, I am feeling the same way!! Going crazy w/out my crackhead ex of 2 years. Its like I'm more obsessed w/ him now then I was when we were together. We'll make it through this. Good days and bad days. But I agree w/ what everyone else has said. Either way, one day, at a time.
Love,
Holly
Love,
Holly
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I understand how you feel. At times when I broke up with my husband I swear that I could feel him pulsing through my blood, the breath coming in and out. It was such a visceral pain.
What you are doing is hard but it can be done. It's "detox" at it's worst. We have internal chemicals that equal anything that can be ingested. Just knowing that helps me to understand some of what goes on. What you are doing is going through short term pain for long term gain. Active addiction is an impossible scenario for a relationship. Even sobriety with a recovering addict can be incredibly difficult. I'm glad that you are reading the co-dependent no more books. They are great! Focusing on myself and what is best for me helps me to deal with pain from external circumstances.
You have a lot of people here that understand and have great suggestions - I sure am glad that you have found SR. I'm sending you prayers and thoughts of support.
What you are doing is hard but it can be done. It's "detox" at it's worst. We have internal chemicals that equal anything that can be ingested. Just knowing that helps me to understand some of what goes on. What you are doing is going through short term pain for long term gain. Active addiction is an impossible scenario for a relationship. Even sobriety with a recovering addict can be incredibly difficult. I'm glad that you are reading the co-dependent no more books. They are great! Focusing on myself and what is best for me helps me to deal with pain from external circumstances.
You have a lot of people here that understand and have great suggestions - I sure am glad that you have found SR. I'm sending you prayers and thoughts of support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your help so much. It helps so much to get feedback from you all. Holly, so glad you posted that you are going thru the same as me. I wish you the very best and please same in touch with me. Maybe we can help each other get thru this.
Yes, I actually do feel like I am going thru detox! I have never been addicted to anything before in my life and yet I truly feel that I am addicted to him. I just want him out of my head and I'm hoping that it is not going to take years to get over this like some people are telling me. I can't stand this pain for that long.
Yes, I actually do feel like I am going thru detox! I have never been addicted to anything before in my life and yet I truly feel that I am addicted to him. I just want him out of my head and I'm hoping that it is not going to take years to get over this like some people are telling me. I can't stand this pain for that long.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 7
What helps me is to let go of the anger toward the addict, and realize they are ill.
I'm not judging, but we would not refer to someone who has cancer as a "cancerhead".
Until you can let go of the anger, you cannot detach. Let go of the anger, and love yourself enough to not let yourself become ill, too. I work better with simple concepts....The 3 c's work with me as a mom, but with a bf (I've never had this experience), I would think the simple practice of not letting the anger eat you up would be a first step. He has an illness that you cannot cure, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, even though he might do bad things because of his illness. The anger is hurting you more than him.
I'm not judging, but we would not refer to someone who has cancer as a "cancerhead".
Until you can let go of the anger, you cannot detach. Let go of the anger, and love yourself enough to not let yourself become ill, too. I work better with simple concepts....The 3 c's work with me as a mom, but with a bf (I've never had this experience), I would think the simple practice of not letting the anger eat you up would be a first step. He has an illness that you cannot cure, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, even though he might do bad things because of his illness. The anger is hurting you more than him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Knowbetter, I think you are absolutely right. I do have a lot of anger right now because of him and how I've been treated by him. However, SR and the book "Codependent No More" are helping me a great deal. I couldn't believe how much I fit the characteristics of being codependent. It was eye opening and embarrassing.
Yes, I do keep forgetting that he has an illness. I am just ready to start working on myself and I need to stay focused on that. Thank you.
Yes, I do keep forgetting that he has an illness. I am just ready to start working on myself and I need to stay focused on that. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Posts: 3
I am having a very hard time of it myself. I truly sometimes I'm thinking I'm going crazy even though I know it was the right thing to do to break it off with my bf. I finally had to e-mail him once again as talking to him in person didn't seem to make him realize. He kept calling and e-mailing me wanting me to go places with him.
I had to tell him that going out wasn't going to magically makes things right again. He has refused to get help after relapsing - he tried getting off pot on his own. I can't make him get help nor do it for him. I told him not to contact me until he decided he wanted to get help and that's been almost 2 weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since. The I'm sorries, I love you's and the I miss you's just don't cut it anymore.
I think about him everyday - sometimes pretty much all day and it is making me crazy, but at least I don't have his drama in my face now.
I had to tell him that going out wasn't going to magically makes things right again. He has refused to get help after relapsing - he tried getting off pot on his own. I can't make him get help nor do it for him. I told him not to contact me until he decided he wanted to get help and that's been almost 2 weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since. The I'm sorries, I love you's and the I miss you's just don't cut it anymore.
I think about him everyday - sometimes pretty much all day and it is making me crazy, but at least I don't have his drama in my face now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Burbank,CA
Posts: 10
Going through the breakup is the worst! If I had a dollar for every time my bf said the words I'm sorry, forgive me, and but I love you in a text message or email or phone message I would be rich! The best thing is definitely have a good support group and take it one day at a time! My prayers are with you and anyone out there today who is dealing with the heart aches of breaking up with an addict 
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
He sounds exactly like my xah.
He was/is hoplessly addicted to pain killers, lost his job, and everything else. I tried to garner help from his sister the (believe it or not) psychologist, and his mom. His sis refused to believe he needed help with any kind of addiction!
His mother could never believe her son could do such a thing. She pays all his bills. She's the great enabler.
I left. Now they're dealing with it. I can't help but wonder how long, if ever, it will take for those two to wake up and realize they're being manipulated. Oh well, it's not my problem any more, thank heaven. I couldn't take the chaos.
He was/is hoplessly addicted to pain killers, lost his job, and everything else. I tried to garner help from his sister the (believe it or not) psychologist, and his mom. His sis refused to believe he needed help with any kind of addiction!
His mother could never believe her son could do such a thing. She pays all his bills. She's the great enabler.
I left. Now they're dealing with it. I can't help but wonder how long, if ever, it will take for those two to wake up and realize they're being manipulated. Oh well, it's not my problem any more, thank heaven. I couldn't take the chaos.
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
My ex afiancee got kicked out his parents, and I lost contact...I no longer call or worry, I just know if I did it would put me back on the roller coaster of damage and toxic thoughts. I do sometimes worry about things but they are simple like what kind of place I will have, how I will decorate and who I will have over for coffee...that time of worrying about his state of mind, blood substance levels and mood swings has been replaced with diapers, bottles and the worry of which outfit will maintain work, spitup and an evening shift with my little one...I will take these worries anyday over the old ones...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
