aah1977

I've written on here several times about how difficult my husband's recovery is for our family. I just got off the phone with him after an ugly, ugly fight. Because he has an addictive personality he redirects his addiction to other things i.e. work. He has always been a self proclaimed workaholic, but he sees nothing wrong with it. For the last few weeks on the nights he isn't going to his meetings he is working. He is a project manager for a construction company and has always taken on side projects for extra money. Right now he has a crew of 3 guys working during the day for him and after he gets off work he goes to the houses they are painting and works until dark. I'm seeing all the money from it, but it infuriates me! If I say something he gets very matter of fact about how he is doing it to make sure our mortgage is paid and his debts are paid off. I can respect that, but to me there is a way to balance it. We have an almost 15 month old that goes to bed at 7:30 and wakes up at 7:00 so with all the work and meetings (oh and his hobby of off-shore fishing every other weekend) they get to see each other for 20 minutes a day and some days (like yesterday and today) they don't even see each other. Honestly, I'm fine not seeing him that much lately, but it isn't fair to the baby or to him because he is missing out on so much.

Not only does it bother me for my son, but I'm very worried about this causing too much stress and him relapsing because his using seems to be stress induced. I'm already paranoid that with him away from the house so much he could get back into trouble. He will be 6 months clean the end of this week.

He called tonight to say he was on his way home and he could tell I was upset about how late it was. The conversation was actually civil, but at some point it spiraled down. The thing that really bothers me is that since getting clean the stuff that comes out of his mouth to/about me is terrible. Before addiction and during addiction he never said mean hateful things to me. I've basically been a single mother since my son was about 4 months old because of addiction and I'm ready to be a family. If I say ANYTHING about that he tells me I need to suck it up. Tonight he actually said I was a horrible mother for complaining about not getting any of my own free time. I KNOW that isn't true, but I just can't believe that those words have come out of his mouth.

It is almost like he uses recovery and needing to pay off his debts as an excuse to do whatever he wants and let me raise our son and run the household. I'm learning to deal with the stuff he did in the past...it is the daily stuff that I'm not so sure I can deal with.

Abundance

I don't have much to add - except - I know how you are feeling. I too need some encouragement and will be reading this thread.

Thinking of you......

Abundance

Okay - I thought about it .......


One of things that I find so helpful and I'm grateful about is spending time with people who want to spend time with me. I enjoy going on play dates with my friends who also have children. This is a sweet escape for me. I also have every other weekend off from being a mom - my guy and I rarely spend time together - because he is working - or just not wanting to do anything - I make plans with my friends ...... or I'll do a project around the house.

My encouragement for you would be to hire a babysitter...... and go out and enjoy yourself. If your hubby is making all this money - why not treat yourself to a spa day? Do something for you! If he says that you are a bad mother for looking after yourself - then explain to him about the air mask on the airplane. Putting it on before you put it on your child- because you need to be in good shape for your little one(s).

Also - when he speaking those words to you - they are just that.... WORDS. There is nothing wrong with you going out and taking your mommy hat off - it's totally and completely healthy!

Remember - it's not about him ...... it's about YOU. Make some plans for YOU.... and own them!!!

Peace and Love ~ xoxo

aah1977

Thank you Abundance! I know I need to take the time to do things for myself - just finding the time is so hard. I work full-time so I feel so much guilt about turning around and leaving my son sometimes. You know if I was leaving for the day and he was going to be with his dad I would be fine, but pawning him off on our parents or getting a babysitter makes me feel bad. I just wish my RAH would step up and be the father he should be. Everything is about him now! I guess I'm just disappointed...we tried for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and were successful after our first invitro fertilization. You would think that after wanting to be a father for so long he could actually realize how blessed he is to have his son.

Well, I'll stop rambling now...

Daisy09

Poor Aah :ghug3

I just got up, so I'll write something in a bit, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you and I feel for you...

Daisy

gowest

I understand that it can be sad to let go of the dream of the family life you had planned in your head. Remember many families where there is no addiction have to readjust their vision of what the family life would be like once they are actually living it.

Just like with substance abuse you can't "make" somebody be the parent you want them to be. You can't control the type of parent he will be.

He will have whatever relationship he chooses to have with your child.

I understand the guilt that goes along with hiring a babysitter if you are working. You'd rather have dad take over, because that is "ok" in your book.

I will say that I think the grandparents are a great in between solution if you aren't taking time for yourself due to the guilt. My grandparents were so important in my life and I personally view them in a completely different role than a generic babysitter.

So if you can, call grandma and get busy living your own life. Your son and your husband will find their own path whatever that may be.

I know it is easier said than done!

lovelylady

Hi Aah,
just want to say that I've read yr thread and want to send you the encouragement you are asking for......in a big dose. You do have the strenth in you, and just keep going. You are looking after yr little one fine - it is a REALLY exhausting time of life, just that alone , without relationship complications, addiction issues etc.

I always found it really hard to find extra energy to rally myself to go out, once I had done all the stuff required in caring for my kids house etc. sometimes the expectation that I should be going out aswell was another pressure. (Just my memory). As the children grew - could walk and talk, the time did come....

Any time I allow myself to start raging at the sense of 'let down' about the addiction that had consumed the person I was hoping would share some of this life with me....well, it just about zapped the last bit of energy I might have had. Now I try to keep hold of that last bit of energy for myself, don't waste it on thinking - take a bath, watch a film, sit and enjoy my home, and feel proud of myself.......( believe me - just these simple things I have to TELL myself to do - that is how much abf's addiction had taken over !)

try to be gentle with yourself.