Feel so so lost and hopeless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 16
Feel so so lost and hopeless
Hi all I need to vent . I am having a very bad few weeks. I feel so alone.
I am having a very bad time trying to work on myself.I have one or two supportive friends but even find they cant deal or listen to my codie issues anymore.
I dont know who to turn to at this stage.
I had been doing very well but have lost all confidents in myself, While I am trying to work on my behaviour , I am also trying to show my 8 years daughter ways to become a better person , ALL WE SEEM TO BE DOING IS FIGHTEN WITH EACH OTHER .I hate this it is taking up so so much of our preious time together. We fight over everything . I know it is not my daughters fault as she has been used to getting her own way all her life , out of pure guilt on my part because she didnt have the best up bringing, she pulls on my gulit string .
I was wondering if any of ye have experience in dealing with a child of this delecate age .
Tonight I just feel hopeless, I cant seem to win no matter how hard I try.
Am I feeling very sorry for myself?
I hate watching my daughter cry every night to sleep because of my parenting .
I know we can only help opurselves but surely there is something we can do for our chrildren
How can I get her to be a child again , she remind me of me at that tender ages its killing me to see her childhood robbied .
I am having a very bad time trying to work on myself.I have one or two supportive friends but even find they cant deal or listen to my codie issues anymore.
I dont know who to turn to at this stage.
I had been doing very well but have lost all confidents in myself, While I am trying to work on my behaviour , I am also trying to show my 8 years daughter ways to become a better person , ALL WE SEEM TO BE DOING IS FIGHTEN WITH EACH OTHER .I hate this it is taking up so so much of our preious time together. We fight over everything . I know it is not my daughters fault as she has been used to getting her own way all her life , out of pure guilt on my part because she didnt have the best up bringing, she pulls on my gulit string .
I was wondering if any of ye have experience in dealing with a child of this delecate age .
Tonight I just feel hopeless, I cant seem to win no matter how hard I try.
Am I feeling very sorry for myself?
I hate watching my daughter cry every night to sleep because of my parenting .
I know we can only help opurselves but surely there is something we can do for our chrildren
How can I get her to be a child again , she remind me of me at that tender ages its killing me to see her childhood robbied .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. My oldest daughter was 8 when I got clean/sober, and my parenting skills sucked for many years afterwards. I too felt guilty for so much of what I had put her through, and I overcompensated.
Children need guidance and boundaries. When they are used to getting their way, they aren't happy about that at all! What I learned is I couldn't make my kids happy, and sometimes being a parent means they are upset with us!
What is it that the two of you are fighting about? I found if I walked away, regardless of how upset one of my daughters was, it wasn't a fight anymore. It takes two to fight.
:ghug :ghug
Children need guidance and boundaries. When they are used to getting their way, they aren't happy about that at all! What I learned is I couldn't make my kids happy, and sometimes being a parent means they are upset with us!
What is it that the two of you are fighting about? I found if I walked away, regardless of how upset one of my daughters was, it wasn't a fight anymore. It takes two to fight.
:ghug :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. My oldest daughter was 8 when I got clean/sober, and my parenting skills sucked for many years afterwards. I too felt guilty for so much of what I had put her through, and I overcompensated.
Children need guidance and boundaries. When they are used to getting their way, they aren't happy about that at all! What I learned is I couldn't make my kids happy, and sometimes being a parent means they are upset with us!
What is it that the two of you are fighting about? I found if I walked away, regardless of how upset one of my daughters was, it wasn't a fight anymore. It takes two to fight.
:ghug :ghug
Children need guidance and boundaries. When they are used to getting their way, they aren't happy about that at all! What I learned is I couldn't make my kids happy, and sometimes being a parent means they are upset with us!
What is it that the two of you are fighting about? I found if I walked away, regardless of how upset one of my daughters was, it wasn't a fight anymore. It takes two to fight.
:ghug :ghug
I can so relate to the overcompensation. I hate it the guilt.
We fight about choices , respect for others and herself , she have very low self esteem and at eight already is a codie, people pleasing , not feeling the as good as her friends , and the worring thing is she bringe eats when she is not feeling loved ect.
I suspose the thing we seem to fight about every day is , No matter how hard I seem to try make her happy it never seems good enough as she is so confused .
I am trying to give her as much attention as she needs , for the past eight years I was present but was always too busy to give her quailty time trying to make ends meet.
Now I have the time and am giving so much to her and fell little time for myself ,
Tonight for example .
I tucked her in , we read together I then asked her about her day , which she finds hard to talk about her feeling so usually says her day was fine I dont want to push this too much but some night we have a break through , which breaks my heart because she really does not love herself .
It all goes down hill from this point
she cant seem to be alone with her taughts and I feel her worries are usually protrated as stomach pains, I try to talk to her about what really going on for her but she get defensive , I stay as calm as can be try to reasure her about all her insecurities, telling her I love her and so forth.
She is having a hard time at school also , due to my lack of parenting up until now so she does not see herself as been as good as the rest.
I suppose I am just finding it very hard to relate to her while trying to let her be the child she shpould be
Im SO SO LOST on how to deal with her at such a tender age.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Freedom has said it perfectly.
I just want to add some ((((hugs)))))))))
Perhaps the two of you can get into counseling?
It might help to take all the focus off her, that's not exactly healthy dynamics.
Is there something you really enjoy doing that perhaps might without any exertion (pressure, trying too hard) catch her interest as well?
I just want to add some ((((hugs)))))))))
Perhaps the two of you can get into counseling?
It might help to take all the focus off her, that's not exactly healthy dynamics.
Is there something you really enjoy doing that perhaps might without any exertion (pressure, trying too hard) catch her interest as well?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Freedom has said it perfectly.
I just want to add some ((((hugs)))))))))
Perhaps the two of you can get into counseling?
It might help to take all the focus off her, that's not exactly healthy dynamics.
Is there something you really enjoy doing that perhaps might without any exertion (pressure, trying too hard) catch her interest as well?
I just want to add some ((((hugs)))))))))
Perhaps the two of you can get into counseling?
It might help to take all the focus off her, that's not exactly healthy dynamics.
Is there something you really enjoy doing that perhaps might without any exertion (pressure, trying too hard) catch her interest as well?
yes i agree its not healty dynamics. I am trying too hard and its not fun, at all.
I just have to find the balance .
How would you approach the subject of counseling , with a child so young, she already feels everything is her fault .
I really appricate all the advice.
sarah:ghug
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Just start right now with yourself, go for a walk and refresh your mind, journal and make a meal that you enjoy. Watch a good movie or read a good book. Don't let your mind work too hard, when I get obsessive I do base level activities, walking, bubble bath, baking etc. I would organize things or pull out old records and listen to them. Don't let your mind wander, stay busy and remember you need to love yourself first, so don't be so hard on yourself...you will be o.k. One day at a time...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
If you want to go for counseling, I would..as the parent and person in charge, simply make an appmt....then to avoid unnessecary anxiety, tell her the day before that you have made an appmt that you both will be going to in order to get help with your problems at home, that you love her too much for her to be unhappy, for you to be unhappy and worried and that you don't want to fight, so the two of you will be getting help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
If you want to go for counseling, I would..as the parent and person in charge, simply make an appmt....then to avoid unnessecary anxiety, tell her the day before that you have made an appmt that you both will be going to in order to get help with your problems at home, that you love her too much for her to be unhappy, for you to be unhappy and worried and that you don't want to fight, so the two of you will be getting help.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I hope this doesnt sound trite but sometimes we have to become lost before we can find ourselves. When we've been living a lie (to ourselves or from others) we loose who we are and loose our direction. Being alone i have found gave me the opportunity to get in touch with who I was.
One thing as i've gone through this is schedule times with my DD and times alone that she gets to pick - other times it what i choose - its always a balance. Once its scheduled i'm more likely to follow through. Spending time with a child doing simple things might be better than trying to teach her things and talk to her about lessons you know she needs. At this age I have found that my daughter learns more from my example then by anything i say. Pick your battles and understand that she is probably dealing with a lot of pain herself - counseling really helped my daughter a great deal - both alone and with me. I think that a child of this age needs another adult that they can confide in outside of us because they cant always tell us what it is we're doing wrong.
Finally - remember that parents are merely human beings - who make mistakes. I make mistakes, my parents made mistakes, so did theirs - you do not have to be perfect and at her young age you have time to change and show her that people can change which might be the biggst lesson she could ever learn. When you can forgive yourself for your mistakes it will be easier for her to forgive you and you will be less likely to let guilt control your emotions.
One thing as i've gone through this is schedule times with my DD and times alone that she gets to pick - other times it what i choose - its always a balance. Once its scheduled i'm more likely to follow through. Spending time with a child doing simple things might be better than trying to teach her things and talk to her about lessons you know she needs. At this age I have found that my daughter learns more from my example then by anything i say. Pick your battles and understand that she is probably dealing with a lot of pain herself - counseling really helped my daughter a great deal - both alone and with me. I think that a child of this age needs another adult that they can confide in outside of us because they cant always tell us what it is we're doing wrong.
Finally - remember that parents are merely human beings - who make mistakes. I make mistakes, my parents made mistakes, so did theirs - you do not have to be perfect and at her young age you have time to change and show her that people can change which might be the biggst lesson she could ever learn. When you can forgive yourself for your mistakes it will be easier for her to forgive you and you will be less likely to let guilt control your emotions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi Sarryan,
I remember when my boy was 7, and I went into recovery from a brief but disastrous marriage to an alcoholic. I know I felt so guilty and wanted to make things better right away. And I think my son felt pressured by my need to correct all that had happened and my intense concern about him. Even today, if I'm about to go on a guilt trip about something I did wrong as a parent, he pulls away....he doesn't want that burden of my guilty feelings. He's sweet but firm about it.
They say that if we just allow a child's feelings, say that we understand how they are feeling, and just be a loving presence and let them know that we love them through and through,that we have sometimes even felt the same way, then healing starts to happen.
When my little goddaughter has a crying fit about something (she's an Aries...dramatic!), I always tell her that it might help her to have that good cry and it's okay and I'll just keep her company while she cries. I say it lovingly and I sit quietly with her while she wails. Amazingly this works for her.
You are a good mother because you are concerned deeply about your child and you are seeking answers to give her the best life possible. That makes you tops in the book of mothers.
Love, Bluejay
I remember when my boy was 7, and I went into recovery from a brief but disastrous marriage to an alcoholic. I know I felt so guilty and wanted to make things better right away. And I think my son felt pressured by my need to correct all that had happened and my intense concern about him. Even today, if I'm about to go on a guilt trip about something I did wrong as a parent, he pulls away....he doesn't want that burden of my guilty feelings. He's sweet but firm about it.
They say that if we just allow a child's feelings, say that we understand how they are feeling, and just be a loving presence and let them know that we love them through and through,that we have sometimes even felt the same way, then healing starts to happen.
When my little goddaughter has a crying fit about something (she's an Aries...dramatic!), I always tell her that it might help her to have that good cry and it's okay and I'll just keep her company while she cries. I say it lovingly and I sit quietly with her while she wails. Amazingly this works for her.
You are a good mother because you are concerned deeply about your child and you are seeking answers to give her the best life possible. That makes you tops in the book of mothers.
Love, Bluejay
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by bluejay6
Hi Sarryan,
I remember when my boy was 7, and I went into recovery from a brief but disastrous marriage to an alcoholic. I know I felt so guilty and wanted to make things better right away. And I think my son felt pressured by my need to correct all that had happened and my intense concern about him. Even today, if I'm about to go on a guilt trip about something I did wrong as a parent, he pulls away....he doesn't want that burden of my guilty feelings. He's sweet but firm about it.
They say that if we just allow a child's feelings, say that we understand how they are feeling, and just be a loving presence and let them know that we love them through and through,that we have sometimes even felt the same way, then healing starts to happen.
When my little goddaughter has a crying fit about something (she's an Aries...dramatic!), I always tell her that it might help her to have that good cry and it's okay and I'll just keep her company while she cries. I say it lovingly and I sit quietly with her while she wails. Amazingly this works for her.
You are a good mother because you are concerned deeply about your child and you are seeking answers to give her the best life possible. That makes you tops in the book of mothers.
Love, Bluejay
I remember when my boy was 7, and I went into recovery from a brief but disastrous marriage to an alcoholic. I know I felt so guilty and wanted to make things better right away. And I think my son felt pressured by my need to correct all that had happened and my intense concern about him. Even today, if I'm about to go on a guilt trip about something I did wrong as a parent, he pulls away....he doesn't want that burden of my guilty feelings. He's sweet but firm about it.
They say that if we just allow a child's feelings, say that we understand how they are feeling, and just be a loving presence and let them know that we love them through and through,that we have sometimes even felt the same way, then healing starts to happen.
When my little goddaughter has a crying fit about something (she's an Aries...dramatic!), I always tell her that it might help her to have that good cry and it's okay and I'll just keep her company while she cries. I say it lovingly and I sit quietly with her while she wails. Amazingly this works for her.
You are a good mother because you are concerned deeply about your child and you are seeking answers to give her the best life possible. That makes you tops in the book of mothers.
Love, Bluejay
I have done a great job , I know that deep down and sometime I am my own worse enemy wanting everything to be perfect, but as we chatted tonight, while tucking her in I realised I am putting alot of my own need for perfection on her . No-one is perfect not even me .
I can be so hard on myself sometimes, I need to work on that alot , I have come so far, we have come so far , she really is a blessing sent from god which I dont appricate at the best of times.
We had a good evening together , mainly because I was more relaxed.
The support I get here from all you guys really keeps me focused and in touch with the true meaning of been a good parent , Thanks to you all for kind words of support and wisdom x x x x x x x
Wishing you all inner peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome. Go easy on you. You are a good Mom. You care and you are trying to do the best you can...that's all you can do. Love her, make her feel safe and allow yourself to relax and feel good about you. Easy said, right? I have two kids of my own... not always easy to feel good about you and trust that you are doing what is right and best. Their is no manual when it comes to being a Mom.... follow your heart and take care of you.
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