KariSue

ALL THAT DID-- was give him ammo to say, "gee, I thought you'd be happy that I had a good day, that I relaxed, you USED to care about my well-being, and my happiness --- I guess you just don't care about my happiness anymore like you used to."

I honestly think I would have said "Well now you're starting to get the picture. I have been realizing lately that I worry too much about your happiness while neglecting my own. I don't plan to let that happen anymore." (Then walk away)

No need to play into his little guilt trip is there?

KariSue

cessy68

You are so right, and I'm feeling a bit stronger.... I don't know what is going on with me, but I feel the need to walk away.

I feel that I'm being a tad dramatic here-- but-- here it goes.........

I'm sick to death of neglecting my own happiness.
I'm sick to death, of feeling tired at school, and seeing my peers happy, upbeat, not tired.... and I'm sitting next to them drained as heck.

I'm sick to death of 'the worrying' 'the keeping US together'.
I'm sick to death of his excuses for why he is 'broken'
I'm sick to death of his 'lies - and his inability to see his addiction for what it is'.
I'm sick to death of being robbed of precious years here- with someone who is unwilling to 'show up' and activey act as any 'normal' adult would.
I'm sick to death of HIS needs being paramount.
I'm sick to death of his little guilt trips-- and the I love you's without concrete actions that he even loves himself, nevermind me.
I'm sick to death of 'waiting' on someone who has left me along time ago- it's easier to be lonley without someone, than lonley with someone.
I'm sick to death of compromising MY sleep, and well being, to spend a couple hours with him @ a bar, having a drink, or watching a movie at home-- because I have learned to 'settle' for whatever crumbs he throws my way- desperate for my patience with him to be rewarded in a bigger manner.

THEREFORE, I think that I am going to have a discussion with him, and tell him that he unfortunately can't give me what I NEED, and therefore, I can no longer hopeing that he will become something he clearly is not. NOR do I wish to push him in a direction that he is unwilling to go--- and my plane is departing.

I will tell him that although I was hanging on for dear life, waiting for the 'old guy I knew to show up'-- it's just not happening, and that I've waited 2 years for him to come back.

I will tell him, that at this point, I can't worry about him anymore, and that I need to start validateing my feelings.

I will tell him that although it may hurt me - that he will find someone new, and that I will just be a memory, that I'm finally o.k. with that--- because I don't want a 'forced' relationship, and that if he becomes a better person without me, than I did impact his life in a good way ultimately--- by knowing enough to let him go.

And concequently guys.... hopefully that karma will come back my way, and I will have a peaceful, loving, happy, fullfilled life --- with new doors opening for me.

I hope I can keep my strength up to follow through-- and not get derailed by his 'words' that I know will try to stop my dismissal of our relationship.
whew.

Any suggestions? Comments?.... I don't know where that all came from.....
Love,
Cess

bluejay6

Cess,
Any change will be better than the status quo.
Good luck.

Live

Sounds like a great plan.....

and you are going to be amazed at how buoyant you will become, how much lighter, in spirit, in energy............like dropping 250 lbs of gravity!

I went back to school after my first divorce and discovered, even with some hardships, how I wasn't drug down.......like I had been holding my breath underwater for years, enjoyed my classes, made friends, joined in with the school newspaper and other events....I had the time of my life!

You can be happy, joyous and free!!!!

KariSue

Yeah!

Good for you Cess!

I'll probably have some suggestions later but right now I have limited time to post. One thing I can suggest is keep reading here. I know reading here is making me feel more assertive.

KariSue

cassandra2

Cess, I feel you I really really do. I know the anger and resentment. I remember the feeling of being robbed of the life we planned together and waking up and realizing life as I knew it did not resemble the life we planned.

One thing I can remember was the absolute EXPECTATION that he was gonna one day wake up and be the guy I fell in love with. I expected DAILY. And when I would go to check to see if the water was boiling (interaction with him) I would get burned DAILY.

I set myself up for that. I knew in my heart that if he was done I would KNOW it. But I kept right on going back to the fire.

That caused ME to be angry. Angry that he wasnt doing what I wanted him to do. Angry that he just couldnt get better. Resentful of the responsibilities I was left with. Resentful that he was having "fun" while I took care of the house and the kids.

Those feelings ate me up. DAILY. The light bulb finally went on when I realized that my expectations of him were expectations of what you should or would have of a normal functioning adult. He wasnt normal on pills. He wasnt functioning on pills. He was a mess.

And here I am expecting him to be different. When I let the expectations fly out the window, when I stopped expecting him to be different and accepted that he is an addict and that this is how he is going to act I think that is when I started to get better.

I no longer went to the boiling water to get burned. It was hard. It hurt. But I was killing myself with my OWN emotions. He was just being an addict. I was the one trapped in my own prison.

When I let go of the expectations I went through every emotion possible. I thought I was gonna end up in the mental ward. But I needed to go through that to get to where I am today.

Its hard any way you slice it and I think that so many of us look for the easy way the way that is least painful. If you stay there is the possibility they will get better. If you leave there is the possibility they will get better. Hence, the rat wheel.

I stopped looking for ways to be angry and just started to look at things like the glass was half FULL. I started thinking good thoughts. I started telling myself that things are getting better. And you know what they are getting better.

lightseeker

I love what Cassandra just wrote. Through working the steps I began to take my resentments and focus on my part of it all. Generally, my anger ultimately stemmed from the fact that I wanted the relationship more than I wanted to take good care of myself. Once I began to focus on what I would or would not tolerate then it became easier for me. My destiny then fell into my own hands rather than someone elses. I have to really look at my motives when I confront someone....are my words meant to shame them into behaving better or "seeing the light"? If they are then I need to go back to the drawing board before having the conversation. I tend to dip into the martyr/victim role quickly "you've driven me crazy/hurt me so now I am going to leave you". That just sets me up for argument. Instead, I am learning to walk away and if asked why I am leaving I can reply "when I am treated this way I leave". That ends the blaming which only leads to a worse scene anyway. In my experience, my husband has never dealt well with my comments that say "you have, you did, you are, you caused..." As long as I do that he seems to know that he has the upper hand with me because I am still trying to change him and not me.

Whether my husband was truly ever the amazing partner that I once believed he was the drug use and subsequent sobriety have irrevocably changed our relationship and us as individuals. We will never be like we used to be. The challenge has become - can we become a partnership that works for us now?

Sobriety only takes away the substance abuse and not the underlying personality and characteristics of a person. It was painful for me to realize that the drugs that I had been blaming for my husbands behavior were actually traits that he had anyway.....I just didn't see them for what they are.

Cess, it sounds like you are getting you head around the situation and deciding what works for you and what doesn't....I know that this must be difficult for you but in the long run you are seeking the happiness and peace that we all deserve.

Abundance

Well done Cess......... and the majority of what you wrote...... is something that I keep saying over and over again in my mind.

Looks like you are onto something......

Abundance

Actually, now that I come to think of it, I've already started doing it... started the process.

Thinking of you...........

Callie

Cess - great post - the only thing I will add is this...

Do NOT let him put a guilt trip on you when you talk with him. He will. Also, don't put much weight on any promises he makes you. My H would promise things until the cows came hime, but never fulfilled any of them. They were just words with NO actions. Time and time again I left those conversations full of hope that he finally 'got it'. Only to be let down time and time again. If he thinks your serious about your words he'll probably say whatever he needs to say to keep you complacent.

Just my experience with H and HTH.

cassandra2

I found that these exact examples were things that directly lead me to feeling angry or resentful.

If he wasnt acting the way I thought he should act or do or say or whatever then I WAS ANGRY.

Looking back, now I see how bad that was for me. It kept me in the control seat. I also see how exhausting that really was.

Today, if I let things go I find that they work out much more smoothly then if I had tried to manipulate someone or situation.

I also am beginning to recognize those emotions when they come up. I too, check my motives to see why I am angry or why I am feeling negatively. Usually its because I am trying to work things in such a way that it works out for me. That is and probably always will be a work in progress......

wuzzled

Those words are going to stick in my head!

Suspicious

<<jumping up and clapping wildly for Cessy!>>>

Keep the momentum!

Suspicious

This is where I am now. Havent gotten the message from CNM deep in my head enough that I dont usually feel guilty for that.

But I will.

bluebelle

I feel this way a lot about my ABF. I keep expecting him to be like the person that I fell in love with. He was confident, successful in business, etc., I looked up to his success. Now that he has gone through 8 years of pill usage and 5 months of sobriety, he is angry, resentful, fearful, and has not been able to find a job like he used to hold. There was a time where he could accomplish so much, and I didn't know that a lot of that was the pills. Eventually, the pills took over, and destroyed a lot of what he had. Now, he is trying to rebuild, but is struggling a lot.

bluebelle

This is the same way that I feel about my relationship with my recovering ABF. In some ways, it's like starting over with a new relationship--since we are both trying to find our ways.