TrickyPJ

I don't have anything constructive to say. I am feeling lonely, upset and scared. I want company, I want to talk to someone. I hate my Addicted H, at least that is how I am feeling now. I hate the amount of shite i put up with, I hate how he's destroyed me financially, morally and any other way. I do not trust him at all. How the heck can I? He's been clean for a few months. I hate that he gets upset with me for checking up on him. Seriously, What the freak??? He's the one who lied about every freaking thing and he gets pissed at me for checking his email when he leaves it open. Yeah, i know i need to detach and I should have logged out and not looked, but when someone has deceived you for all of your marriage it's a tad bit difficult to do. AND, he knows to expect me to check up on him for a while. What the Freak has my life come to. it sucks.

i can't find any online naranon meetings. Can anyone help me with that? I need help. i am filled wiht so much hurt, anger, hatred, sadness, everything. i don't reach out to my friends because i can't be my true happy self, not yet anyway. i have too much to heal before i can be that person again. my ah and i are separating for a year. i don't trust him. i don't think i ever will. he has done horrible, rotten things to me, to the relationship. he is a slime, a sleez, sometimes i want to vomit looking at him.

Why is he angry with me? i am not allowed to show any emotions or be angry. he has teh worst personality with me and does not want anyone to know anything about what has happened in our relationship. i think he is in denial and i'm 99.9% sure he will relapse. if anyone wants to chat i'd like that. i'm feeling so many emotions and would like some company to talk to.

sorry for the rant. i want someone to take care of me for a change. i'm tired of keeping everything together to be shat upon.

Thanks

Seren

((((PJ)))) I'm so sorry for what brings you to SR. Welcome! It sounds like you have been through a lot and have every right to vent.

Someone here said once that anger is sometimes a strong motivator for change. Please keep posting, please hang around and read the stickies that are listed at the top of the topic page.

My situation is not exactly like yours, so I can't speak to it directly. I just want you to know that you are not alone in all of this.

Huge hugs and wishes for you to take care of you now! HG

Teggie

((((Hugs)))

I'm glad you found this place. And beleive me, I so know how you feel. That could have been me writing your post. Know your not alone, you didn't cause this, he did. You can't control what he does and does not do, only he can. You can't cure him, god knows we've tried haven't we? Only he can cure himself and he, like my AH are not ready to do that.

Thats the 3 C's:
Did'nt cause it.
Can't control it.
Can't cure it.

I feel for you, I had to make mine leave a few days ago. It was that or I was going to go completley insane. I felt it coming.

Breathe, take a deep breath and just breathe. Just for today keep the focus on you and off of him.

There are no naranon meetings where I live so I am very involved in Alanon. Although Alanon is more geared to alcoholism and Narcanon is to substance abuse the programs are very similiar. I go to a weekly meeting and hang out here in the meantime. I practically crawled into my first meeting and cried the whole time.

I'm glad to meet you although I wish it were'nt under these circumstances.

Your not alone,
Teggie

Daisy09

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I have found this place to be a huge help in coping with my own situation...so I wish it was under better circumstances, but, Welcome

TrickyPJ

Thank you HG, Teggie and Daisy.

(((Teggie)))

I'm sorry for your situation, too. I am glad i found this site. i have been to 2 online alanon meetings. it seems very difficult to find anything online for naranon. it's difficult for me to get to face to face meetings because i have a child. thank you for your advice and your support. i'd like to chat some more but i think i can actually fall asleep now.

i find myself questioning everything. i will post more monday. i have more freedom at work to access and spend time on here.

my main thing is communicating wiht others in the same situation...the comradery, friendship. noone understand the way someone who has gone/is going through it does.

thanks again. i'm sure you'll see more of me trying to figure this all out.

hugs,

laurie6781

WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place!!!!

This should help you get started in finding some Naranon meetings where you live:

http://portaltools.na.org/portaltool...rchResults.cfm

You can actually pick your borough here and get a more refined listing:

NA Meeting Locator

Hope this helps.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

lovelylady

Hello trickypj, good to meet you, sorry that you are in pain. SR is a walking talking miracle you have found, so you've made a great first step in getting yourself away from that pain, taking off the dirt and remembering yourself.

I don't know yr situation , but do recognize everything you say as something I have experienced and feel , although it is getting weaker the more distance I am getting. SR has given me the support and knowledge.

I also know completely what its like to become isolated from friends/ family because of living with an addict- the secrecy and insanity, the people around us who are happy and healthy, as we once were, that its difficult to talk to because this addiction situation makes no sense - and with narcotics is illegal, so care needed to protect home/ children/jobs.

A big hug. Enjoy your sleep.

rose

Hi Trickypj,

So glad you found us and sorry to here of the pain you are going through. I am sure you will find comfort here, as you are sure not alone. We all have gone through the pain or are going through the pain of Loving our Addicts. This place has been a great support for me and each and everyone one of us is here for you no matter what.

My husband was the addict in my life as well, this site kept me going, but I as well went to al-anon another great place where people understand just what you are going through. I did and still have great support from my family and friends, but talking with people who have accually walked in our shoes just seems to be more comforting, we know right from the ground up the emotional rollercoaster ride. I think for most addicts that are in recovery and do not have any type of support system, it is very typical of this type of behaviour. You certainly do not deserve this type of treatment.

So glad you posted, it is a sign that you are on your way to helping yourself.

Rose

Serenity Bound

Also, check out naranon forums....once you get on that site...you can get info for their online meetings...if you need more help with their website you can pm me.

Chris

cessy68

Aw, hey there honey, you at least got to vent a bit......

WELCOME to sr, where most of us can relate to those emotions.

You are in the right place to sort all of this out. There are no naranon meetings near where I live as well, and sr has helped a ton!

Not only do I have the ability to write, and 'get it out', I get amazeing positive feedback from people who 'get it'.

In addition, I have met a few people who I've become very close to -- via this site.

Stick around, let us know about you, and we are all here to help.

Lots of hugs,
cessy

Hangin' In

TrickyPJ,

Welcome to SR. You've found a great site with wonderful, supportive people who are going through the same thing you are going through, so please stick around.

I felt every bit of what you say you are feeling. It did help so much to talk with people who were (and are) going through the same thing. If you can't get to face to face meetings, read, read, read and read some more here. There is great information in the "stickys" at the top of the page.

I know when I first started my recovery program I did go to face to face meetings twice a week (and I still go and pray I'll never have to stop). But in between those meetings I practically lived at SR. It was a huge help to me and I think it can really help you, too.

So stick around, post and read because there are lots of people here who are going through the same things you're going through. You are not alone!

Hugs,
Hangin' In

TrickyPJ

Everyone,

Thank you for the welcome and your responses. I will check out the naranon forum. It was strange because every search I did for a naranon online link yielded nothing. the communities had been closed. I am going to online alanon but for some reason i think i'd "fit in" better with naranon due to the drugs vs. alcohol. We shall see. I will check it out.

I am feeling every emotion possible right now. he is in recovery as I stated but I find so many incidents and lies that i caught him in flooding back to me. Sometimes, I think I'm going to lose it or have a panic attack. I have dealt with so much I can't even believe it myself. I have held myself and everything together because I had to. There wasn't anyone else around to do it-caring for my child, working everyday. I have held up throughout the most amazing "stuff" ever in my life because i had to be strong, i couldn't fall apart.

Now...now, I feel my body waivering, my emotions stronger now than when I was in survival, fight mode. I'm sure it's a matter of time before I do "break" emotionally. Not have a nervous breakdown..God forbid, but I've been holding so much in emotionally that I need to let it out and right now, I feel as though I want to cry every minute of every day. Once I get some place "safe" I have this feeling I will have an emotional meltdown. I mean, I do deserve it, to let it all out. To be surrounded by my loving family who can be emotionally supportive of me. I don't think it will make me less strong. I think I need a cleansing, to cleanse myself of all the evil that has been in my life and that I have not been able to express because of the "secrets" surrounding addiction and addicts.

I hate the secrets. He's still concerned with people knowing what went on, he doesn't want anyone knowing who he really is. On the outside, he is the wonderful person, charming, etc. Everyone said how lucky i was to be with him. Seriously, I want people to know that life with him is completely different on the inside-he's an abusive, un-empathetic, controlling, irresponsible, reckless little person who has tons of issues to work on. But, THEY know they have to know. I will not say anything, but they will know. Do addicts, once deep into recovery ever admit or tell others what they were like in active addiction? Because he doesn't want anyone to know makes me believe he is not 100% on board with recovery. Is there any truth to that?

Thanks again, everyone.

hugs to you,

Hangin' In

"We're only as sick as our secrets."

I've found that so true. Have to get it up and out in order to face it and heal.

FEAR = Face Everything And Recover

Hugs to you,
Hangin' In