New here, looking for insight, recovering addict perspective greatly appreciated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: old bridge, NJ
Posts: 23
New here, looking for insight, recovering addict perspective greatly appreciated
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who posts on here, the support network seems great and I have already found some great information and opinions.
I have a sister in law, 26, who is addicted to percocet, vicodin, pot her boyfriend and is seriously codependant and unstable. We were extremely close for the past couple of years. I was the first person that she turned to last year when she finally admitted that she had an addiction and I tried to get her help. Her mother and boyfriend are EXTREME enablers. Her mother means well and doesn't realize that it was actuallt hurting her, she is also very codependent on her daughter. Her boyfriend is a narcasistic (im sure I spelled that wrong) user who is also a major control freak and manages to manipulater her into thinking he is a saint and could do no wrong.
Anyway, over the past year, she has attempted to get sober, but I don't think she really wanted it, just the attention that went along with it.
I spent countless nights and days comforting her, dropping everything that I was doing, including taking care of her at my ouse for days at a time while I have 3 toddlers to care for, but as soon as she didn't like what I had to say when I didn't agree with her about things, she threw a tantrum and flipped out on me about what a piece of **** I am and all that nonsence. So, I had enough. I stopped talking to her and forbid her from seeing her nephews and neice. I had sent her a long letter explaining that I love her very much, but I could not continue to be her crutch while she was still an addict. I told her that I could not keep taking time away from my husband and kids and friends to support her since it was just a cycle and that when she was ready to get sober, I would be there to do all that I could to support her. I also admitted to her that I had reported to her doctors that they were all giving her the same prescriptions and that she was addicted.
Anyway, 3 weeks later, she went to rehab! I have no idea if what I said to her had anything to do with it, but we still haven't spoken. When I heard she was going, I sent her a few inspirational cards and some holistic candles (she chose a holistic center) and left her a message telling her that I was proud of her. I've since sent another letter explaining exactly why I cut her out of my life (it was a nice letter though, nothing blameful or harsh) and offered tons of encouragement and let her know that I would always love her. I have also sent a card every other day for two weeks.
But, she never called or even mentioned the letters at all to anyone... she is still crying to her mom how I abandoned her and how noone cares about her. Has anyone gone through this before?? Cut someone off due to addiction?? Did they ever realize that you did it because you love them or was the relationship over? I don't regret it even if she never speaks to me again because I know it was the right thing, but I would really like to have a relationship again.
I would love to hear a recovering addicts perspective on this, how did you feel about the people who put their foot down? How long did it take in rehab before you started learning that you are not alone and that your addiction did not only affect you?
Than you so so much!
I have a sister in law, 26, who is addicted to percocet, vicodin, pot her boyfriend and is seriously codependant and unstable. We were extremely close for the past couple of years. I was the first person that she turned to last year when she finally admitted that she had an addiction and I tried to get her help. Her mother and boyfriend are EXTREME enablers. Her mother means well and doesn't realize that it was actuallt hurting her, she is also very codependent on her daughter. Her boyfriend is a narcasistic (im sure I spelled that wrong) user who is also a major control freak and manages to manipulater her into thinking he is a saint and could do no wrong.
Anyway, over the past year, she has attempted to get sober, but I don't think she really wanted it, just the attention that went along with it.
I spent countless nights and days comforting her, dropping everything that I was doing, including taking care of her at my ouse for days at a time while I have 3 toddlers to care for, but as soon as she didn't like what I had to say when I didn't agree with her about things, she threw a tantrum and flipped out on me about what a piece of **** I am and all that nonsence. So, I had enough. I stopped talking to her and forbid her from seeing her nephews and neice. I had sent her a long letter explaining that I love her very much, but I could not continue to be her crutch while she was still an addict. I told her that I could not keep taking time away from my husband and kids and friends to support her since it was just a cycle and that when she was ready to get sober, I would be there to do all that I could to support her. I also admitted to her that I had reported to her doctors that they were all giving her the same prescriptions and that she was addicted.
Anyway, 3 weeks later, she went to rehab! I have no idea if what I said to her had anything to do with it, but we still haven't spoken. When I heard she was going, I sent her a few inspirational cards and some holistic candles (she chose a holistic center) and left her a message telling her that I was proud of her. I've since sent another letter explaining exactly why I cut her out of my life (it was a nice letter though, nothing blameful or harsh) and offered tons of encouragement and let her know that I would always love her. I have also sent a card every other day for two weeks.
But, she never called or even mentioned the letters at all to anyone... she is still crying to her mom how I abandoned her and how noone cares about her. Has anyone gone through this before?? Cut someone off due to addiction?? Did they ever realize that you did it because you love them or was the relationship over? I don't regret it even if she never speaks to me again because I know it was the right thing, but I would really like to have a relationship again.
I would love to hear a recovering addicts perspective on this, how did you feel about the people who put their foot down? How long did it take in rehab before you started learning that you are not alone and that your addiction did not only affect you?
Than you so so much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
For me, no one ever put their foot down. I ended up distancing myself from my parents because my guilt/shame was so overwhelming, plus I was married to a batterer which was my dirty little secret. My parents were my best enablers.
I was dying when I went to rehab. That's how I ended up there.
I knew before I got there that I was hurting people badly.
Recovery is a long process, and when I was in rehab, I started to feel all the emotions that I had 'medicated' for years. It was frightening to me. Half the time I couldn't figure out what I was feeling!
The people I hurt the most were the most difficult amends for me to make because the guilt and shame were so severe. It took time and working through the 12 steps for me to finally get to a place where I could make the amends. That all came long after rehab.
It's great that you're offering your support through letters and cards. Just try not to put expectations on her.
:ghug :ghug
I was dying when I went to rehab. That's how I ended up there.
I knew before I got there that I was hurting people badly.
Recovery is a long process, and when I was in rehab, I started to feel all the emotions that I had 'medicated' for years. It was frightening to me. Half the time I couldn't figure out what I was feeling!
The people I hurt the most were the most difficult amends for me to make because the guilt and shame were so severe. It took time and working through the 12 steps for me to finally get to a place where I could make the amends. That all came long after rehab.
It's great that you're offering your support through letters and cards. Just try not to put expectations on her.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: old bridge, NJ
Posts: 23
Thanks Freedom, I appreciate your reply. I'm actually in the process of writing another letter to her now... I don't want to give up on her. She called her mom today crying that she wants to come home because noone there cares about her and I want her to know that I believe that she can do this, but it's not looking good.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WELCOME to SR. You have found a really great site with lots of folks who have been where you are now, or are where you are now. I am glad you have found us, but sorry for the reason why.
Please don't write the letter YET. What she is doing is PURE MANIPULATION. Most addicts have to reach their own bottom. Here is what my family had to do to get me to reach mine:
Here is what happened for me to finally find recovery:
Now I will send up some prayers that your S-I-L does not have to take it that far.
Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do for her. She has to make this choice on her own. Rehabs, meetings of NA or AA, other programs such as SMART Recovery cannot help her until ........................................... she WANTS SOBRIETY more than she wants to use.
It is sad, I know, I have lost family members to addiction and why I was given a second chance I do not know.
I would like to suggest that you get a copy of Melodie Beatties "Co Dependent No More" it is really reasonable on Amazon.com. This would be a great place for you to start.
With 3 little ones, it might be hard, but if you could find the time, you might want to check out some Al-Anon or Naranon meetings in your area. I suggest Al-Anon because usually there are many more of those in most areas than Naranon and the program and principles are the same.
You have done a good job of setting your 'boundaries' with her. There is no need to continue to explain them, as she is not ready to hear it. She is still living in 'her reality' which I can guarantee is far from reality.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
I'm actually in the process of writing another letter to her now... I don't want to give up on her. She called her mom today crying that she wants to come home because noone there cares about her
In January of ’79 (when I was 33 ½ years old) my family told me NO MORE. They would no longer help me in any way. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. It was MY PROBLEM and I had to deal with it, they could not.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
I had an old ’63 beat up ford, typical ‘alkie car’ with all four corners banged in and a coat hanger for an antenna. I mostly kept it parked at the back of the HollywoodBowlPark parking lot, under trees. Slept in it the nights I made it back to the car.
On Sunday June 7, 1981, at approximately 4:30pm (I know it was afternoon, I had a cheap $2 digital plastic watch, it said 4:30 and it was light out so knew it was afternoon) as I would take a swig in (oh btw I was a Jack Daniels and/or Wild Turkey drinker for most of my life and was on Thunderbird Wine by this time) it felt like it was coming out of every pore of my body as fast as I put it in. It was then I had no doubts left …………………….. I was dying. I was going to die soon if I kept drinking and I was going to die soon if I tried to stop, but somehow I wanted to die sober.
I put the cap back on the bottle, threw it in the back seat with the rest of the empties and started to cry. I was sitting on the concrete bumper and I did scream out
PLEASE HELP ME
Not my typical alkie prayer of “God get me out of this one and I’ll never do it again” just PLEASE HELP ME.
I can tell you it was a pretty rough night. The next morning I knew something was terribly wrong. I knew there was a hospital called Olive View in Van Nuys, had heard about it from my Wino buddies, but had no idea where it was. I started the car, intent on finding OliveViewHospital. Yes, I found the hospital, there had to be someone guiding that automobile because I had no idea where I was going.
I found out later, by reading my medical chart and by talking to the gal that was at the admissions desk that day, that I walked up to the desk, told the gal I was an alcoholic, said I hadn’t had a drink since the day before and something was drastically wrong. She told me I was green, she was hitting the emergency button under her desk, while she directed me to a chair right across from her desk, maybe a distance of 4 feet. I never made it. I went into seizures on the floor in front of her desk.
Later in reading the medical chart from that day, I found out that when I went into seizures my BAC was .38 and my body was CRAVING MORE. My heart stopped from the seizures. They would get me started again, and after a little while I would start to seizure again. This went on all day. The last time my heart stopped, I was down for 28 minutes and the ER Dr gave up. He called it and was writing the TOD on my chart (24 hours after I stopped drinking) and my heart started on it’s own. I was given a SECOND CHANCE.
On Sunday June 7, 1981, at approximately 4:30pm (I know it was afternoon, I had a cheap $2 digital plastic watch, it said 4:30 and it was light out so knew it was afternoon) as I would take a swig in (oh btw I was a Jack Daniels and/or Wild Turkey drinker for most of my life and was on Thunderbird Wine by this time) it felt like it was coming out of every pore of my body as fast as I put it in. It was then I had no doubts left …………………….. I was dying. I was going to die soon if I kept drinking and I was going to die soon if I tried to stop, but somehow I wanted to die sober.
I put the cap back on the bottle, threw it in the back seat with the rest of the empties and started to cry. I was sitting on the concrete bumper and I did scream out
PLEASE HELP ME
Not my typical alkie prayer of “God get me out of this one and I’ll never do it again” just PLEASE HELP ME.
I can tell you it was a pretty rough night. The next morning I knew something was terribly wrong. I knew there was a hospital called Olive View in Van Nuys, had heard about it from my Wino buddies, but had no idea where it was. I started the car, intent on finding OliveViewHospital. Yes, I found the hospital, there had to be someone guiding that automobile because I had no idea where I was going.
I found out later, by reading my medical chart and by talking to the gal that was at the admissions desk that day, that I walked up to the desk, told the gal I was an alcoholic, said I hadn’t had a drink since the day before and something was drastically wrong. She told me I was green, she was hitting the emergency button under her desk, while she directed me to a chair right across from her desk, maybe a distance of 4 feet. I never made it. I went into seizures on the floor in front of her desk.
Later in reading the medical chart from that day, I found out that when I went into seizures my BAC was .38 and my body was CRAVING MORE. My heart stopped from the seizures. They would get me started again, and after a little while I would start to seizure again. This went on all day. The last time my heart stopped, I was down for 28 minutes and the ER Dr gave up. He called it and was writing the TOD on my chart (24 hours after I stopped drinking) and my heart started on it’s own. I was given a SECOND CHANCE.
Unfortunately there really is nothing you can do for her. She has to make this choice on her own. Rehabs, meetings of NA or AA, other programs such as SMART Recovery cannot help her until ........................................... she WANTS SOBRIETY more than she wants to use.
It is sad, I know, I have lost family members to addiction and why I was given a second chance I do not know.
I would like to suggest that you get a copy of Melodie Beatties "Co Dependent No More" it is really reasonable on Amazon.com. This would be a great place for you to start.
With 3 little ones, it might be hard, but if you could find the time, you might want to check out some Al-Anon or Naranon meetings in your area. I suggest Al-Anon because usually there are many more of those in most areas than Naranon and the program and principles are the same.
You have done a good job of setting your 'boundaries' with her. There is no need to continue to explain them, as she is not ready to hear it. She is still living in 'her reality' which I can guarantee is far from reality.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
Hey Jensis, the addict in my life is my sis-in-law also. Right now she's in jail and will be for the next 6 weeks, for stealing a debit card from a family member and wiping out his account, also his using in Social Security number to open up a credit card. She's also addicted to opiates and uses pot like your A-SIL. My family has been dealing with her addiction for 6 years, and she was addicted for longer than that, but we didnt know it. One thing you have to know about opiates and many other drugs is that it changes your brain. Even if she has been thru 3 weeks of rehab and doesnt have physical withdrawal symptoms anyore, her brain may take months to recover. It has to shrink down all the extra opiate receptors it has grown for one thing. If you read posts under the Substance Abuse forum, many recovering addicts will talk about how long it took to get back to normal brain function. So dont take it personally when she doesnt respond appropriately to you. Nar-Anon has taught me the 3 C's: we didnt cause it, we cant control it, and we cant cure it. Focusing on your children and husband is a better place for your energy now. But I think the suggestion to go to Nar-ANon and Al-Anon is a good one for you and your husband. Then when your Mom-in-law has "codie moments" with you, you will have tools for staying out of it. You can even suggest to mom she go to Nar-Anon in those moments. I suggested Nar-Anon to my brother (the addict's husband) FOR YEARS, he finally got into dire circumstances due to his wife's addiction and decided to go last month. He's now going 2 -3 times a week. Its really helping him cope with the dire circumstances, and he's working toward getting out of them. Peace unto you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: old bridge, NJ
Posts: 23
thank you so much Vent and laurie,. Laurie, It's great to hear stories like yours, it gives me hope and I am so glad for you and your family that you turned your life around.
Vent, I didn't know about the receptors, I had no idea that it was so long term. I'll keep that in mind.
Thank for everyone's good wishes!
Vent, I didn't know about the receptors, I had no idea that it was so long term. I'll keep that in mind.
Thank for everyone's good wishes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: old bridge, NJ
Posts: 23
Thank you guys. I told my mother in law about this site. Her mom loves her so much, and she is going through so much with her, I know it is tearing her apart. I know she wants to do everything she can for her and she is really stepping up to her and setting boundries, which I am sure is much much harder for her than it was for me, I'm just an inlaw - nothing compared to a mother. I just love their family and want her and her mom to both come out of this well and finally be happy again. Well, wish her luck!
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