Limiya

I'm just starting to realise how codependant i really am. I have spent most of the morning crying a little, and thinking too much. Finally realising now that i have just as big a problem to fix as my abf.

recently things have been coming to a head between the two of us. I was getting sick and tired of him going out every few days to drink and do coke with his friends, uncontrollable mood swings, and complaining he never has any money.
I was due to go on holiday for one week and thought it would be nice to see each other the weekend before i go.
We arranged to go for a meal together on the saturday. He lives above a club so on the friday night he couldn't sleep (due to the loud music downstairs), so he went out with his friends. He text me throughout the night to tell me he was doing really well because he wasn't drinking and he was sober. He said he was looking forward to our meal.

Well the next morning i wake up to texts on my phone telling me he got "roped into" drinking and that he was still up at 11am because he had argued with people and was upset.
He of course is still drinkin and taking lines.
So much for the "i want to start looking after myself" speech.
He said to cancel our meal.

I of course was devistated. Each time he does this to himself i feel more hurt and anger and pain each time.
He couldn't understand why i was so upset. I waited till he was sober to explain to him why i was upset. He just shrugged his shoulder and said "well you know what i'm like... if you don't like it!"
That hurt. Just when he was admitting he had a problem and wanted to change things.
I gave up, went on holiday for week. All i could think of was how i can't progress this relationship any further if he is going to keep ruining himself.

Came home, on thursday. We had missed each other. He told me he had been keeping himself busy. Taken up trumpet lessons. Been working hard all week and he has a gig on saturday. He said he will have a few drinks saturday at the gig but apart from that he had been doing really well.
I told him it was good he was trying to focus on other things and left it at that.

Yesterday he called and asked me if i wanted to see a live band with him. I hesitated. He said he won't be drinking. So i of course said i'd love to. I got excited, dressed up nice, got there on time. his family were there, and his friends arrived. We danced a little, and he seemed fine. Not long later i offered to get him a lemonade. He looked at me and said "i've got vodka in this".
My stomache dropped and the dissapointment was immense. I noticed not long later, he is dissapearing to the bathroom every few minutes. His eyes starting to stare a bit more and he is getting really happy.
I knew exactly what was going on. He asked why i was moody. I told him he said he wasn't drinking. He told me he'd been working all week so i couldn't tell him when to drink or not. And to be honest it's not the drink that bothers me, it's just that it's always accompanied by drugs. He has to have both.

I was more shocked with my reaction and my feelings than anything else. He hadn't gone over the top. He wasn't really drunk, just merry... and he wasn't getting any mood swings. I could tell he was trying to take it slowly.
But my betrayal felt massive. My heart was beating fast, and all i could think was i can't be in his company if he's doing this. He told me he wasn't... blah blah.
He's never lied to me before and this took me back. I know these addictions can't be beaten overnight, or alone. But the emotional turmoil i put MYSELF through because HE was using was immense.
I was pleased he was finally admitting it was a problem. But angry that he wasn't showing much with his actions.
I never used to care, or be bothered too much a few months ago. I used to think well it's his problem not mine. But now i feel incredibly emotionally fragile.

I can't see this lasting much longer. I know it's doomed. Yet i find myself putting off the innevitable.
I know what i'm doing. I know what he's doing. I just can't seem to control my emotional feelings lately and i don't know how to help.
I need to start detatching all over again.

Thanks for listening. I know it was long winded and rambling. I know it's irritating reading the same sort of thing over and over again. I get irritated too. But my mind keeps going over the same old thing like on a wheel.

I need to snap myself out of this state and deal with my feelings in a more productive way. I can't control his actions. I can't control his addiction.
I know this, so why am i struggling so much?

~Limiya~

greeteachday

A few things that helped me as I started to come to terms with my powerlessness over addiction had to do with trying to detach from the emotions.

It's easier said than done, but when our addicted loved ones drink and use, it really is not personal. He isn't doing it to me, he is just doing it. I do believe that addiction is a disease - physical and mental and that the obsession has an incredible pull. If I try to relate it a bit to things I have been addicted to (like nicotene or the desire for processed sugars) it helps me to understand that it is not personal. I used to smoke and I know some members of my family really wanted me to stop. But I just was not ready and couldn't do it and even when I said I would try, I would fail and we'd all be disappointed. It did not mean I did not love them or I was a bad person...just not ready. Finally (and I'm so grateful!!) I had enough and I was ready and could release myself from the grip of cigarettes. I know it isn't quite the same, but seeing the similarities helped me to let go of the feeling that my loved one was doing this to me.

I think it is great that you are seeing how your reactions to his addiction are making you as sick in your own way as he is. I remember that feeling well of being totally destroyed when I realized my daughter had used. She could have been functioning fine on a physical level but I could tell by her eyes that she had used. I was so obsessed by it that I could not focus on the moment, just on the use, and I felt physically and emotionally stricken. That's when I knew I really needed help and spent lots of time reading and posting here, going to Naranon meetings and working on my own program. I was as obsessed with her use as she was with the drugs.

Little by little it made a difference...a huge difference. I could shift the focus from her to me and work on my actions and reactions. The more I worked on changing those, the more the new way of dealing with things became my normal.

Hugs. Keep working it...I think the realization you have made is a big step towards finding a better way.

Limiya

Thanks. I understand what you're saying and it makes sense. That helps me to see it more clearly.
I think another reason i stress so much is that most of the time when he uses, he turns quite nasty later on (when on a binge), and he can be very very hurtful. I am realising the pain of some of the things he has said to me in the past during those under the influence moments are still affecting me.
I think that's another reason why i feel so anxious as soon as i see him pick up a drink. I expect an outburst, the worst. I expect him to turn.
And that expecation is not nice to be obsessing over so much.
I am becoming obsessed with it, and i hate this about myself. I need to detatch somehow, and not stress. Also the ammount of times i'd give him the benefit of the doubt and his personality would suddenly change like a switch. It's like once bitten, twice shy.

I think i need to explain this to him also when he's sober (whenever i see him next).
I really do need to work on myself somehow. He needs to take his path alone, without me making it harder.

oooohh god this is driving me crazy.
~Limiya~

Limiya

Doesn't look like i'll be seeing him any time soon after all. He called me and i immediately appologised for having such a reaction last night. He just went on and on about how horrible i had made him feel cause he had a drink.
He was still up (high) drunk from last night and spent most of the afternoon on the phone to me telling me how horrible i am.
He then told me he doesn't want to see me anymore as he can't handle the pressure.
I never really got much of a word in edgeways. And when he told me he doesn't want this anymore, i said ok. And he got mad because i didn't "fight" for him when he said that.
Lets put it this way, by the end of the call i was in pieces. Crying, begging, pleading. It's not like me.
He wasn't listening either way (what do you expect?).

So now it looks like it's over. I feel pretty numb now cause i've been crying and i have a party to go to. I've got to suck it up and try and enjoy myself tonight.
Try to learn from my mistakes as much as i can. Try and look after myself.

This is tough cause i'm very emotionally drained and i feel so lost now he's done this.
I'm gonna be struggling to get over this emotionally. I might be posting on here regularly over the next few days.

~Limiya~

Abundance

Addiction is so cunning.... and there is no getting your head around it.

When my guy is in active addiction - my character defects - how I "react" - is at times worse than what he is doing in active addiction. I become emotionally drunk and totally lose it. That actually bothered me the most.

Try your best to enjoy your day. Don't beat yourself up for anything - and don't let him make you feel bad for anything. It is what it is - and how you feel is how you feel. Look after yourself - and give yourself some love. Remember that this is addiction and this is not him or you. It's the beast of addiction.

You can't control it, cure it, and you can't cause it.

Keep posting...... reading.... and sharing.... there is so much to learn here and to help you through this.

And one last thing- I could bet dollars to donuts that he is going to be calling you sooner than you think.


(((hugs)))

Limiya

Abundance, - thanks. You're right. You know i had a really nice night tonight at the party. I saw family, and old friends i haven't seen in ages.
I feel so much better already. Just tired cause of the emotional rollecoaster i was on today.

Plus i know you're right and he'll call again. He always does when he's like this. I know he's trying to control himself when he's drinking and trying to stop after a couple. But most of the time he can't control it. But i think he might be starting to realise it himself.
He think it's the alchohol i have the problem with, no matter how many times i tell him, it's actually the COKE that he takes when he drinks that bothers me most. The two go hand in hand which i know is dangerous.

Whatever, i'm driving myself crazy thinking about it. I need to learn to really let go now.
I've never been this bad about anything.
So i know i have to look after myself.
I feel awful pouring my eyes out here in the forum, especially when everyone has heard it all before.

Thanks for your input and help. I really do appreciate everyones support.
THANK YOU!!!!!

~Limiya~

lovelylady

HI Limiya...I am sorry that this is making you feel so sad. It seems like he really wants to protect his drug use at the moment, and if you are there, and you look like getting between him and it , you are going to take the punches , so to speak.

You can not do anything about him wanting to do what he wants to do.

But you can remove yourself from the line of fire - I am glad you talked about what you don't like , for YOU - obsessing because you know that later, if you are with him it'll turn nasty, driving yrself crazy thinking about it . This you can have some control over, because its you doing it.

I know its hard.

I think some of the emotions we feel ,are the ones our addicts are numbing - they get dumped somwhere, in the dynamics of thngs, don't just disappear because they block them. We can't process their emotions for them , and it up ends our own emotional coping......leaving us all over the place.

Take yourself out of the firing line until he addresses his addiction - try, see how it feels- you can go back and things will stay like this, the abuse could get worse - , so you might try to go forward aswell in case its better..

sending you hug

Limiya

Thanks LovelyLady,
for some time now i've been avoiding going for evenings out with him unless i know he's not drinking.
If i think he's gonna start drinking, i keep away. He knows this, and he hates it.
He says part of having a girlfriend is that you can have nights out together and enjoy each others company.
But he doesn't realise, no matter how much i tell him, that i can't enjoy my evening out with him if he's using. No matter how much he uses, i feel cheated.
It's a problem, and when we go out and he doesn't drink, we always have a lovely time, calm time.

If i mention the drug use is a problem for him, he gets very defensive and says he can control it, and the only reason he will stay out all ngiht, using is cause i upset him.
I know, classic addict behaviour by blaming someone else for their using.

I will have to go back to only being in his company whilst he's sober. And try and talk to him again about it then. I am coming to a time now where i'm thinking more long term and i can't think long term with him anytime soon so it will all be coming to a head pretty soon anyway i think.

Thanks for your post.
It's difficult to get my head around sometimes.

~Limiya~