A mom who needs a hug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 72
A mom who needs a hug
After posting about the rehab center regarding a few incidents and weighing everything down in my mind as well as calling my ads case worker who is such a great person and has helped my ad so much I have decided to leave her be, meaning to stay put where she is at this rehab center.
I honestly thought that after almost 4 months there that she was ready to come home in a few weeks she seemed miraculously "Healed", totally back to my girl before drugs entered our lives.
I do not agree with everything that is being done/said in this rehab but I called to inquire and complain. I was told that they make mistakes too and learn from them and that this would not happen again by said case workers.
I also thought that if this place was so bad they would have been shut down long ago and not have the success rate in which they have.
That being said, I told my ad this evening that she needs to stay there and do/be the best that she can and learn on how to cope etc once she is out of there. If she cannot resist the urge to "blow" up out of anger,to not listen to the people trying to help her, and to not grow in a positive way then how will she be able to resist the urge to use when she is out on her own or at home?
As hard as it was for me tonight when I talked to ad I told her that she is not ready to come home and she needs to work with the program. She cried so hard and asked me if I really thought that she was that bad of a person, she was sobbing in hysterics actually. I told her no, she was not a bad person but she needs to focus more on her recovery to get better 100% not 50% or even 99% but 100%. She told me she is not going to last there and I told her that her dad and I were not going to get her again for another home reflection for running away etc, she said that she would end up in lock-up (jail) for a minimum of 30 days. I told her that it is up to her, her choice to make sure that she doesn't end up in lock-up then. She left the phone crying and walked away, her case worker had heard her in hysterics and ran over picked up the phone and I told him that I think she is on the verge of a breakdown and he agreed so we hung up so he could go to see her. I have never ever heard her cry like that, not ever.
I miss my daughter, I love her as a mother loves her child unconditionally, I love her so much that I am feeling this pain, I love her enough so that she can live.
I honestly thought that after almost 4 months there that she was ready to come home in a few weeks she seemed miraculously "Healed", totally back to my girl before drugs entered our lives.
I do not agree with everything that is being done/said in this rehab but I called to inquire and complain. I was told that they make mistakes too and learn from them and that this would not happen again by said case workers.
I also thought that if this place was so bad they would have been shut down long ago and not have the success rate in which they have.
That being said, I told my ad this evening that she needs to stay there and do/be the best that she can and learn on how to cope etc once she is out of there. If she cannot resist the urge to "blow" up out of anger,to not listen to the people trying to help her, and to not grow in a positive way then how will she be able to resist the urge to use when she is out on her own or at home?
As hard as it was for me tonight when I talked to ad I told her that she is not ready to come home and she needs to work with the program. She cried so hard and asked me if I really thought that she was that bad of a person, she was sobbing in hysterics actually. I told her no, she was not a bad person but she needs to focus more on her recovery to get better 100% not 50% or even 99% but 100%. She told me she is not going to last there and I told her that her dad and I were not going to get her again for another home reflection for running away etc, she said that she would end up in lock-up (jail) for a minimum of 30 days. I told her that it is up to her, her choice to make sure that she doesn't end up in lock-up then. She left the phone crying and walked away, her case worker had heard her in hysterics and ran over picked up the phone and I told him that I think she is on the verge of a breakdown and he agreed so we hung up so he could go to see her. I have never ever heard her cry like that, not ever.
I miss my daughter, I love her as a mother loves her child unconditionally, I love her so much that I am feeling this pain, I love her enough so that she can live.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I am so sorry you are hurting. I've heard my daughter cry so hysterically she's gone into a panic attack and sounded like a tortured animal. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I've never forgotten and wish I could. My prayers are with you and your daughter. God bless you both.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
I am also the mother of an AD and had to tell my daughter to stay in rehab when she desperately wanted to come home. The thought of that moment still breaks my heart but my AD stayed in rehab and she is so much better now. It is so hard to be the mother of an addict. Hang in there and know that my thoughts are with you.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
****{Lovemykids}}}
She'll get through this.... She is in the best place she can be right now.
I remember being in treatment and my counselors bringing me to the
point where I thought I was literally going to die from the pain I was
feeling, I didn't even know a person could feel like that. The breakdowns,
the tears whatever we go through in treatment are good for us, imo,
especially with our counselors there.
Maybe not on the outside, but there's a lot of that going on, on the inside,
it's just coming out. When we stop doing the drugs we can't hide anymore..
Your a great Mom, she will thank you for this some day.....
She'll get through this.... She is in the best place she can be right now.
I remember being in treatment and my counselors bringing me to the
point where I thought I was literally going to die from the pain I was
feeling, I didn't even know a person could feel like that. The breakdowns,
the tears whatever we go through in treatment are good for us, imo,
especially with our counselors there.
I have never ever heard her cry like that, not ever.
it's just coming out. When we stop doing the drugs we can't hide anymore..
Your a great Mom, she will thank you for this some day.....
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Lovemykids,
I'm a mom, too, and I understand your pain. I, too, had to tell my daughter that I thought she needed to stay longer in her 2nd rehab facility. (Of course she sure didn't want to listen to me, so thank you, God, a counselor told her.) My daughter wasn't thrilled with that idea and let us know it ... with anger and then tears. I knew she wasn't ready to come home and I would have been scared to have her in my home if she had come home at that point. No wait. Let me rephrase that. I would NOT have brought her home at that point. I could see the handwriting on the wall.
I am so grateful she stayed. No, she didn't want to, but I do believe it was exactly what she needed (plus a year in a halfway house)in order to learn how to stay clean and sober.
Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
I'm a mom, too, and I understand your pain. I, too, had to tell my daughter that I thought she needed to stay longer in her 2nd rehab facility. (Of course she sure didn't want to listen to me, so thank you, God, a counselor told her.) My daughter wasn't thrilled with that idea and let us know it ... with anger and then tears. I knew she wasn't ready to come home and I would have been scared to have her in my home if she had come home at that point. No wait. Let me rephrase that. I would NOT have brought her home at that point. I could see the handwriting on the wall.
I am so grateful she stayed. No, she didn't want to, but I do believe it was exactly what she needed (plus a year in a halfway house)in order to learn how to stay clean and sober.
Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter,
Hangin' In
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I am glad she is staying. You know, MY big fear of my kid leaving early? That she would come home. I absolutely did not know what to do with her. I still don't. So these days, Mr. Big and I are absolutely on the same page when it comes to her - she can't stay here. She often can't even spend the evening, let alone the night.
Recently, as her using grew worse, her current boyfriend was struggling with his own sobriety and his own needs (and I think, regretting a bit the decision to take on the emotional responsibility of loving my daughter). He asked me if Mr. Big and I would take her back home for just a little bit. I told him no... that was hard. But I have learned, she isn't good here.
So when she wanted to come home from rehab... we had to tell her that she could leave whenever she was ready to quit trying.... but she could not come home to our house.
Many parents get to that point, but getting there takes experiences that help us process the idea that our kid is really, really in the control of this disease, and that only she can put the disease in remission... and that takes tons of desire.
Being so tired that we want to give up is normal. Crying through pain is normal... any mom of a child who is hurting from their disease wants the pain to end. Sometimes, it is best to step back and let the professionals do what they do best, and not take a front row seat to the pain. Stepping back is ok.... not knowing and not watching is ok.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
Recently, as her using grew worse, her current boyfriend was struggling with his own sobriety and his own needs (and I think, regretting a bit the decision to take on the emotional responsibility of loving my daughter). He asked me if Mr. Big and I would take her back home for just a little bit. I told him no... that was hard. But I have learned, she isn't good here.
So when she wanted to come home from rehab... we had to tell her that she could leave whenever she was ready to quit trying.... but she could not come home to our house.
Many parents get to that point, but getting there takes experiences that help us process the idea that our kid is really, really in the control of this disease, and that only she can put the disease in remission... and that takes tons of desire.
Being so tired that we want to give up is normal. Crying through pain is normal... any mom of a child who is hurting from their disease wants the pain to end. Sometimes, it is best to step back and let the professionals do what they do best, and not take a front row seat to the pain. Stepping back is ok.... not knowing and not watching is ok.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Piglet123 
I am so sorry. I feel for you very much.
Was your daughter asking you to take her out early?
Was your daughter asking you to take her out early?
She is putting words into her case workers mouth, she said in front of all the kids two nights ago at the supper table she said to him "I suppose you are going to call me a Crack@%$* like the other case worker did." This had nothing to do with what he was trying to say to her. He was upset and was concerned that the other kids might misinturpet what he was saying and start calling their parents and complain.
Lesson learned yet again for me.
I found out that she also likes a boy in rehab, another addict. He was friends with my ad from before rehab. He is on request at home right now and called here. I told him that the reason the case workers and I are working to keep them apart is because they are there to get better, not for any other reason. If they can't follow the rules at rehab how are they supposed to follow rules when they are out of rehab. It doesn't mean it has to be forever that they can't talk but they need to work on themselves and their own recovery, if they can't help/take care of themselves how are they going to help/take care of other people. He was also telling me how this case worker is still giving my daughter a hard time by saying things like "I suppose I can't even say the word pu$$y cat around you". I told him that when a caseworker says something like that and really upsets him to just think to himself "You are so not worth risking my recovery." or to think, "You are not worth my future, I refuse to react to vulgar slurs".
I hope I said that the right way to him, I am still learning and growing as well
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending some hugs. One thing that I have found with my daughter is that she sometimes tends to make things that are said or done to her worse than they really are. Addicts will do this to take the focus off from them. If they can create chaos around them then what is focused on is the chaos and not the addiction. My daughter went to rehab and a halfway house. She came home and did what she promised for 3 months. She then thought that she could drink and not come home all night. When she came home, she smelled of alcohol but tried to deny it. We asked her to move out and she did. Having to pay her own way made her grow up some but she still has a lot of addict behaviors even with a year clean from heroin. She currently is not drinking but is having trouble with her boyfriend. So even with her clean time she can create chaos in my life. I just have to set some firm boundaries and follow through. Good for you for telling her she can't come home. They will say anything, promise anything to get what they want. Such is addiction. Hugs, Marle
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
I miss my daughter, I love her as a mother loves her child unconditionally, I love her so much that I am feeling this pain, I love her enough so that she can live.
Lovemykids...I know EXACTLY how you feel. I found something posted here yesterday that so resonated with me that I copied it and printed it out so I could put it up and look at it when I was feeling weak. I hope it brings you some comfort, as it did me. (((HUGS)))
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
Lovemykids...I know EXACTLY how you feel. I found something posted here yesterday that so resonated with me that I copied it and printed it out so I could put it up and look at it when I was feeling weak. I hope it brings you some comfort, as it did me. (((HUGS)))
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by suki44883
I miss my daughter, I love her as a mother loves her child unconditionally, I love her so much that I am feeling this pain, I love her enough so that she can live.
Lovemykids...I know EXACTLY how you feel. I found something posted here yesterday that so resonated with me that I copied it and printed it out so I could put it up and look at it when I was feeling weak. I hope it brings you some comfort, as it did me. (((HUGS)))
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
Lovemykids...I know EXACTLY how you feel. I found something posted here yesterday that so resonated with me that I copied it and printed it out so I could put it up and look at it when I was feeling weak. I hope it brings you some comfort, as it did me. (((HUGS)))
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
Thanks so much for this!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Oh honey - I know those calls all so well. The thing is she may feel strong while she is in there but that doesnt mean she's ready for the real world.
I also want to mention that sometimes my son has tried to make a facility sound worse than it was just to get me to try to get him out - I'm not saying that is what your daughter is doing but mine has used that every where he has been.
You just keep trusting your gut and listening to the professionals. If she is truly ready then a few more weeks or months will do nothing but reinforce what she has learned even more.
I also want to mention that sometimes my son has tried to make a facility sound worse than it was just to get me to try to get him out - I'm not saying that is what your daughter is doing but mine has used that every where he has been.
You just keep trusting your gut and listening to the professionals. If she is truly ready then a few more weeks or months will do nothing but reinforce what she has learned even more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Like the others before me I can so relate to your pain
I read your post and it all came flooding back
My RAS is three years clean...
during his rehab (year long program) he begged to come home (more than once!)...he pleaded that he was in an "unsafe place"....he threatened to run and the list goes on
there were nights that I just white knuckled it...I said "no" and cried myself to sleep...sometimes hubby and I were on the same page sometimes he was the force that kept me from running to rescue my son
we did what we had to do (as you are now)
it was hard but there were no other options...I knew what coming home meant...
stay strong
I will keep you in my prayers:praying
as I said my son is three years clean and living a strong recovery (for today)
keep believing in the miracle
I read your post and it all came flooding back
My RAS is three years clean...
during his rehab (year long program) he begged to come home (more than once!)...he pleaded that he was in an "unsafe place"....he threatened to run and the list goes on
there were nights that I just white knuckled it...I said "no" and cried myself to sleep...sometimes hubby and I were on the same page sometimes he was the force that kept me from running to rescue my son
we did what we had to do (as you are now)
it was hard but there were no other options...I knew what coming home meant...
stay strong
I will keep you in my prayers:praying
as I said my son is three years clean and living a strong recovery (for today)
keep believing in the miracle
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