Inevitable

I was recently married two months ago, and thought I was happily married. My husband had had a history of both alcoholism and drug abuse, but he had reassured me that all of that was in his past. He recently had some surgeries done back in January and was taking narcotics, and foolishly I didn't think anything of it. This last month he had been complaining saying that the doctors where expecting him to go cold turkey off of the drugs, and basically where abandoning him with a serious situation. He informed me that he was up to 18 Percocet a day according to his prescription, but the pills weren't covering his pain. Working in the health care field I understood what a high dose this was, and still I believed that he was being walked over by the doctors taking care of him. It wasn't until last week that I learned the truth that he had been taking even more than 18 a day, and he was completley addicted to them. I've met with his actual doctor last week ( not the ones who did the surgery) and we've been working on getting him off of the medication, and for the most part have done so. The problem I have today is I don't understand the mind of an addict. This problem costed my husband his graduate school and half of our income. I don't know how to even trust him after he's lied to me for months. My mind is telling me that I shouldn't be involved with him, but I love him more than anything. I am so confused and I feel alone because I feel like I can't tell my family because I don't want them to look at my husband any differently than they do. My husband is not a bad man he's just got an addiction. I just feel like I'm a horrible wife because I'm so angry and hurt that I feel like I could just leave and be done with this. Please I am begging for any support/advice I can get.

Ann

Welcome to SoberRecovery, Inevitable.

I'm sorry about your situation but glad you found us. There are many here who have been where you are who will be along to share with you as well. My son is an addict and I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves.

Sadly, I could not help my son. I begged, pleaded, bribed, bailed, manipulated, and cried my heart out and learned that nothing I did would affect the outcome, he would find recovery when HE was ready and not a moment before.

All the love in the world won't save our addicts, if it would not one of us would be here.

What helped me was to finally surrender and find a recovery program for ME. Meetings and learning to work the 12 steps literally saved my life. If you haven't been to any meetings, maybe try Alanon, Naranon or CoDA, three similar fellowships that offer a lifeline when we are going down for the third time. Why not give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

My prayers go out for your husband, that he finds a better path. And more prayers for you because I know the pain you feel.

Hugs

Abundance

Welcome to SR ..... I'm glad you found us.... but I'm sorry you are living with addiction.

You aren't a horrible wife... you are scared and confused. What you thought to be the truth isn't the truth. Every emotion (good and bad) that you are feeling is "normal".... you are not alone.

Addiction is cunning and is effects the entire family...... not just the abuser.

Search the forum with key words.. and read the stickies.... there are a lot of family members whose addicts have been addicted to opiates - narcotics - pain pills. (Me being one of them).

Please keep posting ....... we are here for you.

Peace ~

Suspicious

Lots of people with lots of experience with lots of good advice here.

Stick around. It is understandable for your emotions to be all over the place and dont feel guilty for feeling... you feel what you feel in response to a bad situation. Try to be true to yourself and not let yourself be guided by what you 'should' feel.

bluejay6

How sad for you, inevitable. Welcome here.

It sounds like there is much love in your marriage and although that won't be the answer to your husband's problem, it can be the motivator for you both to get the help you both need.

I read the Substance Abuse forum regularly to learn about addiction and about those struggling with it and recommend that for you, as well as all the reading you do here. We don't focus on the addict's battles with his drug of choice....but information about the disease, about various narcotics, about alcoholism, can only help us. We have to bring the disease out into the light and educate ourselves. It doesn't go away.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you both. He has to really want to give it all up and do whatever that takes,I'm sure you know. And you can help most by not cleaning up any messes his addiction creates and taking everything he says about the pills with a grain of salt. Addicts lie to protect their addiction. And they are so sincere and emotional and loving when they lie. So be careful.

Keep reading this forum! It will help you so very much!

Piglet123

Hi there. I'm pretty new here too, but I've been on a very steep learning curve this past month. I also found out a month ago that my husband was addicted to painkillers.

Please don't blame yourself- you weren't foolish, just trusting. And maybe a little bit naive, given you knew his past problems with alcohol and drugs. I was naive too- my husband didn't have a known drug/alcohol problem, but his father is an (unacknowledged) alcoholic, and I was aware that he had a tendency to self-medicate inappropriately.

I completely relate to this. And trust me, your family WILL see him differently. But maybe that's appropriate. Whether you decide to tell them or not, I think it's vitally important for you to be able to debrief with SOMEONE- close friend, family or support group people. When my husband started treatment, I was relieved that he was getting the help he needed, but I had to figure out how to get help for myself too. This meant telling close friends and family (actually, my husband did that himself. He knew it was his place to face the music).

This bit kind of worried me- exactly how much has HE been doing to get himself off the medication? It sounds like it's something that's being done TO him, rather than BY him, if that makes sense...

No one can tell you what to do, but don't ignore what your mind is telling you. Putting it bluntly, it sounds like he has had significant addiction problems for a long time. Unless HE wants things to change, they won't, and however "good" you are, he will keep doing what he's been doing, or worse. In fact, there have been a lot of "good wives" who have just about loved their husbands to death! Have a look back through some threads about "enabling."

Trust has to be earned. The onus isn't on you to find it in yourself to trust him- to somehow WILL yourself to trust him, it's on him to demonstrate that he can be trusted.

I felt exactly the same. I was incredibly angry initially, and I still am. I felt terribly guilty about my anger because of that "in sickness and in health" thing. Then I realised that my husband has ALREADY broken his wedding vows, by putting something (drugs) ahead of me, and our children's welfare. If you feel angry, then feel it. If you feel hurt, you have every right to. Don't apologize for your feelings, but don't be overwhelmed by them either.

I think it's vitally important to arm yourself with information, to try and be realistic about your situation, and to decide for yourself exactly how much you're prepared to take, and then stick to it. My husband knows that he is not welcome in this house the moment he takes another tablet he doesn't need.

I wanted to add: I don't know what life stage you're at, but if it's at all relevant, please don't imagine bringing a baby into this scenario could help. It won't.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it.
find a meeting to go to, keep coming back here & learn everything you can about addiction. this is not your fault. he is going to use or not use & there is nothing you can do. if he does not want to stop it is only going to get worse. my adfdict is my son & if i could love him clean he would not b pulling the next 7 yrs. in prison. i am sorry for your pain. keep coming back & let us know how u r. prayers,

winnie12

Welcome - glad to see you hear but sorry for why you need to be here.

I'm gonna guess that being only four months in a marriage that you probably feel pretty jipped right now. I know that feeling. When i married my ex - we went on a wonderful honeymoon - came home and the phone had been cut off. i called the phone company and they told me it was because there was 800.00 in 1-900 calls to a sex line. Hello? Apparently while i was out of town before we married he had been sitting on the phone racking up charges. It was like a sledge hammer hit me in the heart.

Where i screwed up was not getting myself help immediately - i tucked it away and listened to the excuses and lies and didnt think of it again. Obviously these types of things kept coming up in our marriage every few years and eventually destroyed it. If i could go back i would have immediately gotten myself help. not saying i would have left or i would have stayed just that i would have been stronger through it and made wiser choices.

So I understand how you feel and all i can offer is that you get yourself some help and keep posting here - do not feel guilt about being angry - you have a right to be angry.

breakingfree88

Welcome-And I'm sorry you're here. But I can also say I'm happy you're here. I was in love with an addict and didn't know it for a year of our relationship. Although we weren't married I feel that I can relate to some of your pain, anger and confusion at how this has happened. The best advice I can share with you is to put his recovery firmly and squarely on his shoulders. After I overcame my anger I turned it into a motivation to get "us" clean. It didn't work that way and I did nothing but drive myself INSANE. Try your best not to feel bad for being angry. It is perfectly healthy and expected to be angry that someone has put you in this situation without your knowledge or consent. But now the power is in your hands if you just reach out and grab it. What you do now is your choice. I will advise to put yourself first. Take care of yourself. Learn about addiction and recovery. Its a LONG, HARD, and often IMPOSSIBLE road to go down while in a committed relationship. But so much of this is WAY too hard to swallow. I understand. Just don't get sucked into thinking that "my addicts' different". I don't know him, he may be...but I always thought that mine wasn't like everyone elses' and that wasn't true. It just postponed the pain. But trust yourself and your instincts and the fact that you can love someone from afar. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to stick beside them while they kill themselves. The way I see it is that it is much deeper love to leave them be while they work on getting clean. That way-either they clean up and you know they did it on their own or they don't clean up and you haven't lost any time.
I don't know why life brought you to this situation but I know that everything happens for a reason to make us better people.
If we use the happenings in our life to make us better people.
Melody Beattie reminds us that problems are made to be solved.
I've learned not to regret my decisions to stay or leave or fight or make up or anything that I did while I was with and in love with my addict because all of those decisions brought me to where I am today.
I wish you the best. My heart REALLY goes out to you and I hope that you'll keep us updated.
And please remember that everything I have shared is just my personal experience. Nothing here is in black and white and I don't want to offend you or make you feel bad by something I've said that you don't agree with.
Take what you need from us and leave the rest.
Love,
Holly